by Hawke Oakley
Then something even more fucked up happened.
Something warm brushed me a split second before I felt a strong pair of arms curling around me. My eyes shot open. Riley’s hair tickled my neck as he buried his face into my shoulder. His arms tightened, firm but not uncomfortable, around my body.
At once, all the heat flooded up to my face. First I was sobbing and mucousy and a human disaster, and now my face felt like it was going to explode from being so red.
My heart stopped. Everything was so fucked up. Who was this guy? This wasn’t Riley. It couldn’t be. He had a clone or a doppelgänger or something.
But as the thoughts raced in my head, every fiber of my being was telling me to let go. I swallowed tears back thickly and let myself melt into his embrace. I closed my eyes, relaxed. It was… nice. I couldn’t remember the last time anyone who wasn’t my relative hugged me.
Guys didn’t hug, right? Straight guys especially didn’t hug. I, a gay guy, didn’t hug straight guys, because straight guys don’t hug.
My heart pounded again. What the hell was going on?
All these thoughts must’ve happened in the span of three seconds or so, because before I knew it, Riley pulled away. Instantly I cursed myself for not fucking appreciating it in the moment, because now that the warmth and pressure was gone, I missed it like burning.
Riley turned, going back to sit on his own bed. I wanted to rewind time, go back a few moments to when his arms were wrapped around me and his warm breath sank into my shoulder and we weren’t enemies anymore. Maybe, in that moment, we were even friends.
“Sorry,” Riley muttered suddenly. “I don’t know why I did that.” He tossed me a little smirk, more like the Riley I knew. “You were just crying like a little baby.”
I laughed a bit, my voice hoarse from crying. I wiped my tears on the back of my arm. “It’s okay,” I said, stopping short before I added, I liked it. “Sorry for crying in the first place. I know it’s not manly.”
I said it half as a joke, but Riley’s expression screwed up. He looked like he was going to say something but shook his head. “It’s fine.”
Silence again. The moment was over. Now we were back to being two awkward guys who sort-of-but-not-really knew each other. I picked up my pen, clicked it and wrote in the margins, in tiny letters: Hugged me.
I looked at it, the written proof of what had happened. Then I added the date, in even tinier letters, underneath it.
At least this way if I was dreaming or hallucinating, I’d know.
Riley peeled the curtain of our single window back and muttered, “It’s getting dark earlier now.”
“Yeah.”
He sighed and leaned back, settling into his pillow. “I always get tired easily this time of year.”
I took this as the cue for our conversation to be officially over. “Do you want to sleep?”
He blinked, and I wasn't sure if he was going to respond. Then he said, “Yeah. Do you mind?”
“No, not at all,” I said. I gathered my paper and pen in my bag, which I hiked over my shoulder. “I’ll grab the light on the way out.”
“Thanks,” Riley said.
“And I’ll, uh, try not to wake you up when I come back,” I said.
He nodded. I shuffled my feet.
“Alright, well. Bye.”
“Bye, Aaron.”
It didn’t hit me until I’d walked out the door and it had locked behind me. I stood there in the hall, eyes wide with the realization of what just happened.
Riley had called me by my name for the first time.
Something fluttered in my stomach. I liked it, I realized. I liked the way my name sounded on his tongue.
And that was dangerous.
Chapter Eleven
A couple days passed. We were busy with our own schoolwork and lives outside of each other, which I realized with a pit in my stomach that was both a blessing and a curse. A blessing because I wasn’t being forced to spend time with someone I hated.
A curse because I wasn’t so sure that feeling was hate anymore.
Beth and Caroline were hanging out in my room while Riley was out doing God knows what. Caroline was sprawled across the other half of my bed as I leaned against the wall, while Beth sat on the floor, her arm swung lazily on my bedside table. More often than not, I found them hanging out in my room when Riley wasn’t here. I didn’t mind at all – it was nice to have company, especially considering how close the three of us had grown.
“Heard you got in trouble with Dr. Z,” Beth said suddenly as we each had our noses buried in textbooks.
Caroline sprung up, as if she’d been waiting for someone besides her to finally bring it up. “Oh. My. God. You have to tell us everything that happened!” She grabbed my arm and shook it. Her eyes sparkled like it was Christmas day and I was about to hand her the biggest, most expensive present under the tree.
“What? Oh, that,” I said, looking down at the pages of my book. “It was – I dunno, it was just a thing that happened.”
Beth cocked an eyebrow and Caroline just crossed her arms. Nope, there was no way that was gonna fly with these two. I sighed.
“Come on, Aaron,” Beth said. “You might have gotten away with me, but this girl’s been dying to know what happened, especially since she wasn’t there to see it up close. You should have seen her face when I told her some dirt she didn’t already know. It was like her world turned upside down.”
Caroline pouted but didn’t even deny it, continuing to watch me with sharp expectant eyes. For such a sweet generous person, she was a hell of a gossip.
“Okay, okay, I’ll tell you, but it’s not a big deal, alright?” I said.
Caroline squealed into her hands and inched closer.
“No, not a big deal at all,” Beth said wryly.
“Tell us everything,” Caroline breathed.
I paused, chewing my lip and wondering how to tell the story. It seemed like it happened so long ago now, when it had really only been a few days. It was like the storm between Riley and I finally broke, and the skies were clear – well, clearer. We still weren’t friends by any stretch of the imagination, but the animosity between us has mostly disappeared.
“Well, he showed up in a huff telling me about his exam grade – you know, the Philosophy one we had together the morning after the party? Anyway, he was pissed and told me I should go check out my mark, too. So I did and I found out I totally bombed it.”
“You failed?” Caroline cried. Her eyes shone with sympathy.
“Yeah, and Riley did too,” I said.
Beth let out a noise between a laugh and a scoff. “No surprises there. I don’t think he’s ever opened a textbook in his life.”
For some reason I didn’t like the way her words sounded as they hung in the air. I shrugged. “He’s never around, so I never knew what he was up to.”
“Go on,” Caroline urged.
“So, anyway, I’m really upset about the grade, because holy shit I just failed a college exam, and I go to the caf so I can eat something and go to bed – ”
Caroline let out a squeak. “No way. He was there, wasn’t he?”
“You know it,” I said. “He’s sitting with a bunch of guys, I think they’re in the same year as us but I don’t know any of them, not well at least. Then Riley starts jeering at me from across the caf, from the other table.”
Caroline was on the edge of her seat. Beth was grimacing slightly, as if she already knew where this was heading.
Now I paused, because I wasn’t sure how to tell the rest of the story.
“What happened next?” Caroline asked.
“It’s… it was weird,” I said honestly. “He was egging me on, like he wanted a fight.” I paused. “He brought up Lily.”
Caroline gasped and grabbed her own ankles as she sat cross-legged, shaking back and forth in her seat. “Oh my God, what happened with Lily? She totally disappeared from the party, right?”
“Now that you
mention it, I didn’t see her either after Riley made an ass out of himself,” Beth muttered.
I blinked at them. “You guys don’t know?” Then I realized, how would they know? I was the only other person there. “Lily led him away into the stairwell, and started making out with him, and I don’t know what it was, but I didn’t like it. It gave me the creeps.”
“Wow, Lily and Riley with their tongues down each others throats?” Beth said. “I’d be creeped out, too.”
“No, it wasn’t like that,” I said, shaking my head. “Riley was drunk and I don’t think he really knew what was going on. I mean, yeah, it probably felt good for him in the moment, but… it felt like Lily was taking advantage of him.”
There. Now that I’d said the words, made it real, it finally sank in. Why I didn’t like her. Why I’d felt protective over Riley. A chill went down my spine as Lily’s cold gaze flashed before my mind.
I sat back against the wall. “I knew there was something up with her,” I muttered.
“That’s… pretty fucked up,” Beth said.
“Oh my gosh, it was so good that you were there, Aaron,” Caroline said, touching my arm. “Who knows what would’ve happened if you weren’t.”
There was no way to know for sure. Maybe they would’ve just kissed. Maybe they would have had amazing sex and I cheated Riley out of it. Maybe I should have just minded my own business.
No.
I saw the glinting malice in Lily’s eyes. She didn't love Riley, or even like him. She was just using him, and that’s what made my blood fucking boil.
“What happened after?” Beth asked, snapping me out of my thoughts.
“He said he remembered everything,” I mumbled. “About the night before, with Lily. He made this huge fuss about how I didn’t let him get laid.”
But as I repeated his words, they didn’t sound right to my ears. At the time I hadn’t noticed because I was too pissed off, in a blind rage, but there was something beneath what he’d said. Like he didn’t really mean it.
I realized they were waiting for me to continue. “So, then… he asked if I was jealous. Of her.”
Both their eyebrows shot up. They exchanged glances.
“What?” Beth spat.
“No way,” Caroline gasped. She edged closer, lowering her voice even though we were the only people in the room. “Does he know, that you’re…?”
“No, he doesn’t know I’m gay,” I said, shaking my head. “At least, he had no way of knowing, and I know you guys didn’t tell him. I think he was just saying it to piss me off. To humiliate me in front of his friends.”
Friends. The word slipped out. Those guys sitting with him at the table, who wanted us to fight. The hairs on the back of my neck rose. Those guys were not Riley’s friends. The scene flashed back before me now and little things I didn’t notice at the time were like blaring red lights now. Riley’s stiff posture, the way he tightened his elbows to make sure he wasn’t touching the guy on either side of him, the kind of wild fear rimming his eyes – like a sheep among wolves.
My head was starting to hurt.
“So he called you gay in front a pack of jocks to get a rise out of you?” Beth asked.
Her words were like crystal bells. “Yeah. Yeah, that’s exactly what it was,” I breathed.
“But why?” Caroline looked utterly baffled.
I shrugged, but Beth’s gaze fell away and her brows furrowed together as if deep in thought. “I can think of a reason,” she said finally. We turned to her expectantly. Beth made eye contact with me. “He was trying to throw the trail.”
My eyes widened.
“What?” Caroline asked.
“No way,” I said.
“Think about it,” Beth said.
“You guys, I don’t get it,” Caroline cried. “What does that mean?”
Beth explained it to her. “Riley was trying to out Aaron as gay – whether it was true or not – so they wouldn’t think that he was gay.”
It took Caroline a moment to put two and two together. Then her jaw dropped. “No. Freaking. Way.”
“Yes freaking way,” Beth said. “The only other reason I can think of is that he’s a total, irredeemable asshole shithead.”
These were Riley’s only two options? Gay, or being just a plain old piece of shit?
I closed my eyes and groaned. “This is. A lot to take in right now.” Then I remembered the next part of the story – the brutal sting of the word he’d called me. “Especially with what happened after that.”
Caroline was on me like white on rice. “What? What, Aaron?”
I winced. “He called me a fag.”
Beth and Caroline both looked like I’d dropped a ten pound weight on their heads. They gaped at me, but Beth looked especially stunned.
“I can’t believe that,” she mumbled.
“I couldn’t either,” I said. “That’s why the fight started.”
“Oh my gosh,” Caroline said. She took my hands in hers. “Sweetie, I’m so sorry.”
I shrugged. I wanted to say it’s okay, but the truth was that it wasn’t okay. It hurt like hell to hear that word, especially to hear it directed at me. Even repeating it now felt like ripping off a bandage.
“Thanks,” I murmured.
“It’s not your fault,” Beth said. “I probably would’ve had a hard time stopping myself from punching someone if they called me a slur, too.”
I gazed at her appreciatively. There was something really comforting about having a friend who understood the same specific kind of pain and oppression that you did. She nodded at me in understanding.
I sighed. “And that's it.”
“That’s it?” Caroline said. “But what happened after the fight?”
Beth lowered her voice and asked, “You get a few good hits in?”
I laughed despite myself. “Yeah, I would’ve won if Dr. Z didn’t come break us up.”
“Feisty little guy,” she said with a smirk.
“I’m so glad you didn’t get expelled or anything,” Caroline said with a sigh of relief.
“Yeah, me too,” I said. “He just took us to his office and said we needed to, uh, behave better. And he gave us an extra project, just the two of us. He wants us to learn more about each other and write like a report on it.”
Beth and Caroline exchanged glances.
“What?” I said
“And?” Beth asked.
“And what?” I was confused. “We’re… working on it. It’s going pretty well so far, actually.”
I realized as I said it that I’d told Riley more about myself in our one session than I’d told Beth and Caroline, who I considered my closest friends. They knew I was gay, but Riley knew about my childhood, my birthplace, my scar – things I hadn’t ever mentioned to the girls.
“Wow,” Caroline said, finally looking satisfied and full of gossip. “That was a wild story.”
“You’re welcome,” I said with a grin.
“Well, I hope you guys do a good job with that report,” Beth said. “If you fail that too and end up getting expelled, I think Caroline would die.”
“Hey!” Caroline cried indignantly.
“I’m just stating the facts,” Beth said, smirking. “This is the juiciest shit you’ve heard in months, and don’t act like it isn’t.”
Caroline’s face fell, and Beth and I laughed.
“Well, I can’t deny that,” Caroline mumbled. She sighed and leaned on my shoulder. “I just wish it hadn’t happened to our little Aaron.”
“It’s fine,” I said, patting her on the head. “I’m a big kid, I think I’ll get over it.”
“Good. Because otherwise I’d have to give that Riley a piece of my mind.”
We stayed like that for a moment before going back to our studying and goofing off. But I couldn’t focus as well as I usually could. Something was nagging at the back of my mind – Beth’s suggestion that Riley was gay and trying to deflect attention away from him.
But was that really true? I’d never looked at Riley and thought yep, he’s a fellow gay alright. Maybe he was so deeply closeted that my gaydar didn’t pick it up. Maybe he was taking out his frustration on me.
I shook my head. But still, that didn’t make sense. For that, Riley would have to know I was gay. And there was no way he knew.
Was there?
Chapter Twelve
Today I had a plan.
My early morning class was done, and I was free for the rest of the day. The perfect time to put my plan into action.
It was simple. I’d catch Riley on one of his routes – by now I knew his schedule well enough to predict where he’d be and when – and shadow him from a safe distance. My thought process was this: I only knew what Riley was like when I was around. I knew jack fucking shit about him when I wasn’t. Maybe he was a completely different person. Hell, I barely knew who he was anymore. He’d shown me so many different sides to himself that I was having trouble keeping up.
I wanted to see pure Riley. Aaron-less Riley.
And yes, this sounded a lot less creepy in my head.
I stood against a brick building, opposite of the one Riley’s class was in, and leaned against the wall while half-heartedly checking my phone. I wore a black hoodie with the hood drawn up and tried to look as inconspicuous as possible. His class would end any minute and the last thing I needed was for him to spot me right away and ruin my entire plan.
I watched the time on my phone change from 10:59 to 11:00. Class was over. He’d be out any second now.
Soon a steady stream of people emerged from the double doors, mumbling and talking over each other as they escaped the building. A lot of them looked tired, stressed or bored out of their wits. I wondered what Riley’s expression would be.