by Hawke Oakley
What the hell? I shook it off. Enough weird thoughts.
I was starting to get worried I wouldn’t spot him among the sea of people, but there, unmistakably, he walked out. I couldn’t get a visual on his face, since the throngs of students were hurrying well away from the building. I grimaced and kicked off the brick wall, blending into the crowd while keeping my eyes locked on Riley.
I recalled his schedule in my mind. He had another class – a one hour chemistry lecture – before lunch. It wouldn’t be too difficult disappearing in the huge lecture hall of first year chemistry, but I balked at having to sit there for an hour listening to the prof drone on and on about it. At least I didn’t have to remember anything.
Did Riley enjoy chemistry? I didn’t even know that about him. The more my mind wandered, the more annoyed I got at how secretive he was for no fucking reason.
I took a seat near the back, hoping he wouldn’t do the same. Thankfully, he sat near the midsection, where I could keep an eye on him. Then I realized how stupid I was being. What was he supposed to do that was going to boggle my mind sitting here for an hour?
It was too late to leave without anyone noticing, though. The prof already set up the lecture notes on the screen and was chattering away about some shit that, frankly, I did not understand in the least. Kudos to Riley for getting any of this stuff.
With my eyes burning holes in the back of his head, the rest of my vision became blurry. Before I knew it, my eyes were heavy, and every blink was taking seconds longer than the ones that came before. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt to close my eyes for a little bit…
Everything felt hazy. My body was warm and fuzzy. I knew I was dozing off a little, I was at least conscious enough to know that, but everything else had shut down, almost in defiance of having to listen to the lecture.
It felt nice, until a scene melted out in my mind like running watercolors. Of Riley and I somewhere on campus behind a building, my back against the brick and one of his hands pressing my arm into the rough surface while his other hand caressed the side of my face –
I went from zero to 100% awake instantly. My eyes snapped open and sweat beaded at my back. People around me were packing up. Blinking a few times, I realized class was already over.
I didn't know if I was glad the nap got me through the lecture, or horrified of the consequences.
My heart was beating just fast enough, pumping thick enough in my chest, for me to notice it was out of the ordinary. I gritted my teeth. I didn't want a physiological reaction to it. Just having had a dream about that was bad enough.
As people started pushing past me, I came to my senses. Class was filing out and I’d lose sight of Riley if I didn’t pay attention. Pushing aside the memory of – whatever the hell that was – I kept a close eye on him and followed him out of the building.
Next was lunch. He headed to one of the campus food courts, which would no doubt be crowded at this time of day. It would be easier for me to blend into the crowds, but harder for me to keep tabs on him. I’d have to pay attention.
I couldn’t risk getting something from the food court, so I pulled a chocolate granola bar from my pocket and shoveled it into my mouth as I peered at Riley from under my hood. He was grabbing ready-made sushi. Interesting.
But what happened next was even more interesting. Riley paid, headed to the middle seating area and paused. He was looking at something. I followed his gaze and found what he was staring at. A table full of jocks – the same guys from our dorm he was sitting with before the fight.
My gaze flickered back and forth between Riley and them. My pulse quickened. What was he going to do? He looked just as conflicted as I was. Then he took a half-step forward, stopped, and quickly turned on his heel, walking away.
“Shit,” I muttered. I was going to lose sight of him if I didn’t keep up.
He trudged outside, into the cool late autumn air. Why wasn’t he sitting in the food court like everyone else? Confused, I continued to shadow him until he stopped and sat on the wide concrete steps that led up to the library.
Startled by his sudden choice, I frantically pushed my back against a pillar. Shit. I was in his field of vision because I overestimated how far he would go. I had to play it cool. I slouched, flipping through my phone as nonchalantly as possible.
Once he started eating and his eyes were down, staring at the ground, then I finally began to sneak glances. His expression looked detached and far away, like he wasn’t looking at the ground at all but seeing through it. Not really seeing anything at all.
Something was off. As I stood, fake fidgeting with my phone, all I could think about was how alone Riley was, sitting there in the cold eating lunch all by himself. Where were his friends? At this point I’d figured out the jock guys were definitely not his friends, but there had to be someone else.
Right?
He ate and finished his lunch in silence, put the container in the recycling and then took the path behind the library. It was time for his next class, some kind of math, and this time there were no crowds of people to get in my way. I’d have to be more cautious shadowing him now. I gave him a good twenty-foot head start before I trailed him.
He went down the winding path that cut through a wooded area. It wasn’t the most direct route to the math building, but it was a quieter one. Maybe he just liked walking alone.
The branches around us creaked in the wind. Some were already beginning to lose their leaves. The evergreens stood firm, though, like walls of fresh pine scent blocking out the outside world.
Out of nowhere, Riley began walking faster. I scuffed my shoe against the gravel cursing under my breath and trying to keep up. My legs were shorter than his, and I was already having trouble holding my distance while still keeping an eye on him.
The wind whipped through the trees, and a falling leaf slapped me in the face. I grunted and wiped it away. Riley was gaining distance, fast. Damn him and his long legs. I powered ahead.
He suddenly stopped.
I came to a stumbling halt, accidentally kicking up gravel. The sound was loud, too loud, in the quiet path. Shit. I stood perfectly still, barely daring to breathe. As long as he didn’t turn around and see me, I would be safe.
“Why are you following me?” Riley called.
A weight sank to my stomach. Busted. Maybe if I didn’t respond he wouldn’t know it was me. I kept my mouth shut.
Then he turned around, eyes wary and sharp. I shrank under his gaze, suddenly crushed by the heaviness of shame.
Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea after all.
His glare raked over me as I lowered my head, hoping the hood would obscure my face. I was really shit out of luck now. Before I knew it Riley was thundering towards me.
“Who are you?” he spat. “What do you want?”
I grimaced. I couldn’t weasel my way out of this one. Slowly, I brought my hands up to the hood and pushed it back. The expression on Riley’s face flashed from fury to confusion.
“Aaron?” he said.
“Uh. Hey.”
“What,” he began, gesturing at me, more baffled than angry anymore, “the hell are you doing? What is this?”
I realized then that I sure hadn’t thought of a good excuse for this in the case that I’d been caught. I sighed.
“Sorry, I – I don’t know why, but I thought it would be a good idea to follow you around campus,” I mumbled honestly.
“Why?”
The real reason was probably more embarrassing than anything I could have made up on the spot, but I was never good at lying.
“I just wanted to see what you were like,” I said, still avoiding his gaze. “Like, when you’re alone.”
Riley took a step back, still utterly baffled. It looked like he couldn’t decide if he was mad at me or not. I brought my hands up in a peace gesture.
“It wasn’t supposed to be this creepy, I promise,” I said. “It seemed like a good idea at the time, but. I don’t think it was.”<
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We stood there awkwardly as the wind howled, low and ominous, around us. Neither Riley or I knew what the fuck to say now. I thought the choice for him would be easy – tell me to fuck off, stop being weird, then storm off and leave me here. But he wasn’t doing that.
“Sorry I was being a freak,” I said. “I can, um, go now.”
I turned to leave when I heard him say, “Wait.”
I glanced back at him. He still seemed to be mulling over his thoughts.
“This is like, for that project, right?” he asked.
The project! God, why didn’t I think of that?
I nodded softly, never breaking eye contact now as if I was afraid he’d turn on me any instant. Then he shrugged and waved me over.
“Come on, then, I guess,” he said.
I waited a moment, to see if his offer was genuine, waiting for him to change his mind and tell me to piss off. But it didn’t happen. Slowly I stepped to his side, and we continued walking down the trail.
“You know, you could have just asked in the first place,” Riley muttered. “I thought some freak was going to leap out of the woods and kill me.”
I chuckled. “I don’t think murderers are usually as short as I am.”
The corner of his lips twitched at my comment.
“But I guess I didn’t tell you because I wanted you to… act natural?” I said. “Like, I wanted to see you, not the person you are when I’m around. Does that make sense?”
Riley stopped suddenly and looked me dead in the eye. I couldn’t read his expression. For a second I thought he might hit me. I tensed my shoulders.
But once again, it didn’t come. He just said, “Yeah. That does make sense.”
We continued walking in silence. I was afraid to open my mouth at this point – not because of what Riley would do, but of what he wouldn’t do. He wasn’t hitting me, or swearing at me, or telling me to go fuck myself behind that pine tree, or even using that Riley-esque tone, the cocky arrogant one that made me feel like a middle schooler on the playground again.
Why was he okay with this? Was I in the fucking twilight zone?
Who was this guy and what had he done with the Riley I knew and hated?
Chapter Thirteen
Feeling like a fish out of water, I let Riley lead me through the throngs of students in the math building to where we finally sat down at the back of the lecture hall. Everywhere people were carrying math textbooks that looked like you could beat someone over the head with them. I shuddered. Math was never my thing. I was glad to be done with it in high school – I couldn’t even imagine still taking it in college.
There were still five minutes to the start of lecture. Riley kicked back, putting his shoes on the back of the empty seat in front of him.
“Shoot,” he said.
“Huh?”
He raised a brow, like it should have been obvious. “Shoot. Your questions. The project.”
“Oh,” I said. “I mean, now? Your class is about to start.”
He shrugged. “I can catch up later. It’s just one class.”
“Are you sure?” I asked. “I mean, I’m fine just sitting here, I don’t want you to miss your lecture.”
He shot me a look that said this conversation is over.
I sighed. “Fine.”
I pulled my notebook out of my bag, crossed one leg, and balanced the notebook on it. “So, all I have about you so far is that you’re from Florida and you’re taking a shit ton of difficult courses that I don’t understand. Hell, I don't even know what your major is.”
“Engineering,” he said.
“Okay. Engineering.” I wrote that down. “Why’d you pick that?”
Almost imperceptibly, the corners of his mouth went down. I waited for an answer, an explanation, but it didn’t come. He just shrugged. “The money, I guess.”
I furrowed my brow. “There are a lot of ways to make money, though, ones you don’t need four difficult years of schooling for.”
He made a face and shrugged again. I could tell he was trying to play the topic off, but I smelled something underneath the surface. I wanted to pry more.
“Do you enjoy it, though?” I asked.
“I guess,” he said.
“So that’s a no,” I said, pretending to write it down. He whirled on me.
“Just drop it, okay?” he snapped. He huffed and leaned back stiffly in his seat. “Ask something else.”
I’d touched a sore spot. I had to keep that in mind for later.
“Alright,” I said, twirling my pen. “Do you have any pets?”
“No,” he said. “My parents didn’t want them.”
“Oh,” I said. So they were those types of people. “If you could have one, though, what would it be?”
Riley pondered this for a moment. “A cat, I guess.”
“Really?” I sat up a little. “You don’t strike me as a cat person.”
He shrugged again. “I like them. They’re cute and they’re not boisterous like dogs.”
I couldn’t help but grin at that. Riley with a cat was a cute mental image.
The cat, I mean. The cat made it a cute mental image.
“You like animals, huh?” Riley asked. “You’re always talking about them.”
“Yeah, I do,” I said. “They’re easier to understand than people.”
“How so?” he asked.
“Well… they always say what they mean. Even if they can’t talk, you understand their intents and wants. They won’t say one thing and do another. They don't hide their feelings. It’s like, even as a kid, I always knew exactly how Bucky was feeling, even though she couldn’t speak. I could just take one look at her and know.” I shrugged. “I wish people were more like that.”
Riley said nothing but nodded slowly in understanding. My mind tugged on a loose string. There was a question nagging at me, burning on my tongue. I had to know the answer. I held my breath and tested the waters.
“They’re easier to make friends with, too.”
Riley paused, but this time he wasn’t nodding. He stared down at the professor, who’d just come in and was setting up the lecture slides. “I guess.”
You guess? What does that mean?
The sneaking suspicion I had settled further.
I don’t think Riley had any real friends.
It was like the clouds cleared and a ray of understanding shone down upon my stupid, ignorant self. He had no friends. Of course he lashed out. Of course he treated me like garbage. Of course he didn’t know how to make friends. His bad personality kept people at a distance, kept him safe from getting hurt. It didn’t matter that potential friendships were casualties.
I stared at Riley with newfound wisdom, like I was really seeing him for the first time. The scared, lonely guy under the harsh exterior. It was like I’d stripped away his shell in my mind, leaving only the raw soft innards.
Something welled up inside me. I almost wanted to reach out and hold his hand. Thank God I stopped myself before I did.
I swallowed thickly, trying not to get emotional. I had to remind myself where I was – lecture hall, math class. No crying in math class. We didn't need a repeat of high school, Aaron.
The prof started his lecture, and Riley kept one eye on the slides and one on me. “Well? That’s all the questions you got?”
“Uh. Let me think.” I shuffled my notebook. “Hobbies?”
He opened his mouth for a second, then closed it, averting his eyes.
“What?” I asked. I sat up in my seat. “Tell me.”
“Don’t laugh,” he mumbled.
I blinked in confusion. “Why would I laugh?”
“I like writing,” he said quietly. “Like, fiction and stuff.”
I furrowed my brows. “Why would I laugh about that?” I asked again.
He shrugged. “I don’t know. Everyone in high school always thought it was gay.”
I tried not to recoil at gay being used as a bad thing. “Hey,” I s
aid. “Those people were probably all jealous because you can actually do something they can’t.”
He made a face like he didn’t believe me, but appreciated the thought anyway.
“I’m serious,” I said. “Shit, I forget how to spell things all the time and I always get B’s or lower on my essays, even though the program I’m in is all essays.”
He looked at me. “What are you in?”
“Liberal arts,” I said, bracing myself for that raised-eyebrow smug look engineer kids always get when you tell them you’re in any program that’s not engineering. But Riley didn’t do that. He nodded again in understanding.
“That’s weird,” he said.
“What is?”
“That I’ve lived with you for months and am only just learning that,” he said.
“Hey, it’s not like I knew your major all this time, either,” I offered. “So at least we’re on the same page on that.”
He smiled a little.
“You should show me some of your writing sometime,” I said.
His smile fell. “Uh, no. Got any other questions?”
“Hey, don’t just brush me off, I mean it,” I said, leaning my weight on the armrest. “I’m serious, dude.”
“It’s not stuff I go around showing people,” he muttered.
“Well, has anyone ever asked?”
He paused. “No. Just you.”
“That’s fucked up,” I said. “Those people made fun of you and didn’t even read your work? Assholes.”
He looked at me like I was some kind of alien, not quite sure of how to approach me. He ended up just shifting uncomfortably in his seat. “I dunno.”
I wanted to press harder – his weak spots were right there. I could feel them.
“What about your parents?” I asked.
That did it. His face changed immediately, tightening around the corners of his mouth. His shoulders stiffened. “No.”
“No, what?” I pressed.
“No, they don’t read my writing, okay?” he snapped.
A few classmates whipped their heads around. Riley sunk back in his chair, realizing how loud he’d been in the middle of lecture. Thankfully the math prof didn’t seem to notice, or care, and she went on.