by Hawke Oakley
The rural road was long and empty, and woodland and fields stretched out for miles, like they were swallowing up the car.
“I’m scared,” I said.
Riley knew I wasn’t talking about the dark. He hummed a little. “I know.”
My gaze settled on the never-ending blackness again, staring at nothing and everything all at once. “I shouldn’t have told them.”
“Don’t they know? About Molly?” he asked.
“Yeah, but…”
I trailed off and fell silent.
“But what?”
“I’m not Molly,” I snapped.
The words came out harsher than I intended. Instantly I felt guilt flood over me. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to yell at you.”
“It’s okay,” he said.
I slumped into the seat, curling my head into my shoulder. I shut my eyes and half-hoped that I would disappear.
“What does Molly have that you don’t?” Riley asked quietly.
For me, it was too obvious. It was just common sense, and I felt irritated that he couldn’t already see why.
“Everything,” I mumbled. “She’s braver than me. She doesn’t care what people think about her. She doesn’t let every, stupid little thing bother her like I do.”
The car suddenly jerked. Riley had hit the brakes. I jolted in my seat, searching wildly for his gaze. He looked almost horrified.
“What the hell did you just say?” he muttered.
“What?”
“What is wrong with you?” he demanded, his voice cracking.
“Riley – ”
“Are you even listening to yourself right now? You think you’re not brave? What the fuck, Aaron?”
I couldn’t do anything but stare back at him.
“I’m not,” I finally said. “If I was brave, I wouldn’t have had a fucking anxiety attack and ran out of the house two seconds after telling my parents I’m gay.”
Riley barked out a laugh. “Are you for real?”
“What?” My blood grew hot and my muscles tensed, like I was ready for a fight. Anger burned up the anxiety in my gut. This was just like all those times we’d fought in the past. I couldn’t believe he was acting this way again. How could he?
He must have sensed the spark of adrenaline, because suddenly his eyes softened and he reached out, gently touching my arm. “Don’t get angry – ”
“Don’t tell me not to get angry,” I spat.
He winced, and then I felt disgusted with myself, like I’d hit him.
“Just… listen to me, okay?” he said. His eyes wavered, wet around the edges, and I almost fell apart. I didn’t want him to cry. If he cried, I would definitely cry.
I exhaled shakily and nodded. “Yeah.”
“You’re…” He averted his eyes and shook his head. “If you’re not brave, I don’t know what the hell to call you, asshole.”
His voice cracked when he said asshole and I let out a wet, ugly laugh. That made him break out into a wavy grin.
“Hey, shut up, I’m trying to tell you something here,” he muttered.
“I know,” I said. The tension evaporated and I slumped forward into his grip. “I’m sorry. Keep going.”
Just like that, we eased back into comfort. I fumbled and undid my seatbelt so I could bury my face in his shoulder, and he held my lower back, stroking in those soothing circles I liked so much.
“I can’t believe you sometimes, Aaron,” he said into my hair. “Like, how can someone so smart be so clueless?”
“Thanks,” I mumbled.
“I mean it, though. How can you think you’re not brave, for God’s sake? Hell, I was fucking afraid of you for the longest time. You were intimidating as hell.”
I pulled back, startled. “Me?” I couldn’t help but laugh. “How the fuck am I intimidating?”
“That’s what I’m trying to tell you!” he said, throwing his hand in the air. “You’re confident. You know who you are. You know what you like and what you don’t, and you’re not afraid to stand up for yourself, or the people you love. And that scared the shit out of me, because I’m nothing like you.”
Those words hit me in the core. “Riley…”
“You’re real,” he said firmly. “You don’t bullshit around. People – hell, especially me – are fucking fake as hell most of the time. I’m the fakest person I know. Because it’s easy to be fake. You can’t be real unless you’re strong, unless you’re brave. Do you get what I’m saying?”
I breathed slowly, trying to take this all in. Trying not to cry. “I guess so,” I said. “I guess I didn’t think about it like that before.”
“Well, now you have no excuse,” he muttered with a grin before kissing my forehead. “So don’t ever think of yourself as anything but brave, alright?”
“I suppose I can’t, if it pisses off my boyfriend this much,” I said.
He smirked. “It does.” He leaned back in his seat, his expression shifting. He gazed pensively out the windshield.
“What is it?” I asked.
He swallowed hard, then got out his phone.
“Riley?”
“I’m taking my own advice,” he said. “Trying to be more like you.”
My brows furrowed in confusion as he stared seriously down at his phone screen before inputting a number. I heard the dial tone go off. Everything suddenly was too quiet, parked on the side of the road in the dark. My blood roared in my ears, too loud against the silence. What the hell was Riley doing?
The other end of the line picked up and I heard a muffled hello?
“Hey, mom,” Riley said. “It’s me.”
My heart sank like lead into my stomach. There was no way. He wasn’t doing this now. I gripped the edge of the seat, hearing the leather squelch under my clammy palms. I couldn't do anything but watch and wait with dreadful anxiety.
“Yeah, I’m fine. Yeah, they are letting me stay. Listen, uh, there’s something I need to tell you.”
No. There was something I could do. I would be there for Riley, no matter what happened. My hand shot out and grabbed his, squeezing it tight. I nodded at him and he blinked at me gratefully in response.
“So, you know the guy who invited me to his place, where I am now? Yeah, my roommate, that’s the one.”
I swallowed hard. My throat felt thick.
“He’s, um… He’s not just my roommate.”
All my skin was cold and clammy. I couldn’t take this. But I had to be here, to support Riley. Thankfully, somehow he seemed less anxious than I did. Which was making me even more anxious, for some reason.
A muffled question on the other end of the line.
“It means he’s my boyfriend.”
Silence.
I felt like I was going to throw up. I bit my lip, clutching the seat and Riley’s hand for dear life, like the earth was going to tear open and swallow me whole if I didn’t.
“Yeah,” Riley said. “Uh huh.”
My heart pounded against my ribs. If it beat any harder, it might’ve just busted out onto the car seat.
“Okay,” he said with a sigh. More talking on the other line, none that I could decipher. “Okay. Yeah. Good night.”
He hung up and pocketed the phone, then glanced at me.
“Well?” I blurted out.
“Well, uh, she knows now,” he said.
He was killing me with this. “And? What did she say? Is she okay? Are you okay?”
Riley sighed. “She said, um, she needs some time to think about it.”
Anger flared up inside me again. “What the fuck does that mean?”
“It’s okay,” he said quickly. “That’s just the way she is. It didn’t go over… badly or anything.”
I exhaled. “Well, fuckin’ thank God for that. You had no idea how stressed out I was. Am. Still am.”
He grinned at me and put his arm around my shoulders, pulling me in towards him. “Don’t freak out like before again. It scared me.”
I nestled
into his neck and grumbled. “Now what?”
He held me in silence for a moment. “I guess we should head back before they get worried.”
In my panic over Riley’s coming out, I’d completely forgotten about my family. “Oh, crap, you’re right.”
Then it hit me.
“Wait a fuckin’ minute,” I said. “You didn’t come out just now on the phone to make me feel better about freaking out about me coming out?”
Riley playfully looked off to the side and whistled. “Maybe.”
“You – you total ass!” I was laughing. “I can’t fucking believe you!”
He shrugged. “I can’t fucking believe me, either. I never would have done something like that before meeting you.”
“Oh, cut it out, you’re gonna make me cry.”
“Don’t cry.” He ruffled my hair. “No more crying.”
“I’ll try not to,” I said with a smile. “No promises, though.”
My mom threw her arms around me as soon as I stepped in the door. Then she proceeded to thoroughly chew me out.
“Aaron, you had me worried sick!” she cried, smothering me in a hug so tight I could barely breathe. “What were you thinking, running off like that in the middle of the night?”
“I wasn’t really thinking,” I mumbled.
“You’re damn right you weren’t!”
She finally pulled off of me with a huff. Her face was red, like she’d been crying. I suddenly felt a wave of guilt wash over me. Dad was beside her, his face scrunched up in concern as well.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I didn’t mean to make such a fuss, I just had an anxiety attack.”
“Tell me you didn’t drive with one,” Molly said.
“No,” I said, looking at Riley from the corner of my eye. “I was going to, but Riley was smarter than me and he took the wheel.”
“Well, thank God one of our sons has some damn sense!” Mom cried.
Instantly both Riley and I snapped our heads up to look at her. I wasn’t sure I’d heard that properly.
“Both?” I dared to ask.
“Well, not biologically, obviously, but if you two eventually get married, he’ll be my son-in-law, duh!”
My jaw dropped. Riley blushed harder than I’d ever seen. I could practically feel the heat waves radiating off his face.
Holy fuck.
“What, are you actually surprised?” Mom asked, looking offended. “As if this is the first time a child of mine turned out gay. This ain’t my first rodeo!”
I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. So, obviously, I did both. Mom took me into her arms.
“Oh, come now. Enough of that. Like it was a big surprise to us, anyway.”
“Hey!”
“Really, Aaron,” Molly added with a grin. “I don’t think anyone in a ten mile radius thinks you’re straight.”
“Hey!”
“Alright, alright,” Mom said. “Everybody calm down, now. Be nice to your brother.” She turned a playful stern finger on Riley. “And you better be good to my boy, you hear?”
Riley blinked and stood up straighter, looking dead serious. “Yes, ma’am.”
“What did I say about callin’ me ma’am?”
Molly almost keeled over from laughing so hard. I couldn’t help joining her.
Chapter Twenty-One
Riley had been acting strangely for the past couple days. He was spending more time on his laptop and making phone calls that he would take outside, and out of earshot. Whenever I asked, he always reassured me that nothing was wrong and not to worry, but how could I not worry? Every single time he brushed off my concern my anxiety spiked.
I was starting to get suspicious.
I watched him now, sitting on the floor on his laptop, with the screen turned away from me. His brows were furrowed almost in concentration. I knew there was no point even asking him what he was doing – I wasn’t going to get a straight answer, anyway.
A straight answer. My mind raced at that. Riley’s strange behaviour only began the night after we had penetrative sex. My blood ran cold. Did he not like it? Did he hate it? Did he hate it so much he decided he wasn’t into me anymore?
“Aaron?” he asked, shaking me from my thoughts. “You look upset, what’s wrong?”
I almost replied honestly, but then I remembered how evasive he’d been with me lately and I got pissed off. “Nothing,” I muttered, obviously concealing something.
He made that face he makes when he knows I’m lying. Normally I find it endearing but now it just made me even more annoyed.
He shot me a quizzical glance, then went back to whatever he was doing on his laptop. I couldn’t take it anymore. How had we gone to hating each others guts to loving each other with all our hearts and now whatever the fuck this was?
I got up and stormed out of the room, trying not to notice the way he hid his screen as I stomped past him.
He didn’t even bother asking where I was going.
I found Molly on the couch downstairs, scrolling through her phone absentmindedly as she watched TV in the background.
“Can I talk to you?” I asked. Before she could say yes like she always did, I added, “Outside?”
She sensed something was wrong and nodded. We headed out the door into the bitterly cold winter air.
“What happened?” she asked.
“Riley’s acting weird,” I blurted out. “Like he’s hiding something from me. It’s freaking me the fuck out. What the hell am I gonna do if he leaves me?”
“Whoa, easy, calm down,” she said, putting a hand on my shoulder. “Don’t get ahead of yourself like that. You’re always doing that.”
“Doing what?” I muttered.
“Jumping to the worst conclusions.” I knew I was guilty as charged but I didn’t feel like her lecturing me right now.
“I know,” I said, waving her off. “I’m just… really fucking upset, okay?”
“I understand,” she said. “What happened, specifically, that’s bothering you? Let’s start from there.”
I leaned against the all, crossing my arms and pouting and feeling childish as I did it. “He’s being all evasive and weird. Like there’s something he’s hiding from me. No, I know he’s hiding something from me. I just can’t figure out what the fuck it is, and it’s not like he’s gonna tell me!”
“How is he being evasive?” Molly asked patiently.
“He’s hiding his laptop screen – he didn’t used to – and now he’s making weird phone calls that he leaves the goddamn house for, I mean, who does that? Doesn’t that sound suspicious to you?” I cried. I felt like I was losing my mind.
“Maybe he’s talking to his parents,” Molly suggested.
“Why would he hide his screen and shit to do that?” I asked, my voice starting to crack with emotion. “He knows I’m gonna be there for him no matter what. There’s no point in hiding it.”
“You have to think of it from his point of view,” she said. “It’s not that he doesn’t know you’re there for him. He might just feel… a little sad if his parents don’t feel the same way ours do about this whole situation.”
My heart suddenly sank. “I didn’t even think of that.” I sighed and sank down against the wall. Molly sat down next to me. “This sucks. I want to be there for him, always. None of this is his fault. God, I’m gonna hate his parents so much if they give him shit over this.”
She hummed in agreement.
“Did you know he’s an only child?” I said. “He – I mean, I don’t know what I would have done without you, growing up. Even now.”
She smiled at me.
“But he doesn’t have that. I’m the only one he has and he can’t even open up to me about it.” I buried my face in my knees. “It sucks. It fucking sucks, Molly.”
I felt her hand gently touching my shoulder. “I know.”
I let out an exasperated groan as I tried not to start crying. The frustration and anxiety was eating me away.
&nb
sp; “I wish I could take it from him,” I said, suddenly picking up a handful of snow and throwing it as hard as I could. “I want to take his pain away.”
“I know,” Molly said softly.
Kicking at the snow, I groaned to myself. Talking with Molly helped but now I was just acting out like a child. I stopped, staring at the snow and watching my breath fog in the air.
I turned and headed back inside.
“Thanks, Molly,” I said.
She didn’t bother asking for what. “You’re welcome.”
I kicked off my boots and went back upstairs. Riley was still sitting where he was when I left. He lowered his laptop screen and caught my eye.
“Hey,” he said.
I paused, staring him over. Staring at the half-closed laptop. “Hi.”
I slumped onto my bed, staring at the ceiling. The strange tension still hung in the air. It was really like being back at the dorm when Riley and I still hated each other. Except I didn’t hate him now – just felt an awful combination of sympathy, frustration and love.
“I, um,” Riley began, his voice slightly hoarse. “I overheard you and Molly.”
I sat up.
“I didn’t mean to, the sound… just carries,” he mumbled.
“Oh,” I said.
“Yeah.”
“Well?” I prompted.
He looked at me with confusion.
“Is that the truth?” I asked. When recognition didn’t immediately flicker across his face, my anxiety returned.
His gaze fell to the floor. My panic spiked.
“Not exactly,” he said.
“Please, Riley,” I cried, leaping to my feet. “Please tell me what the hell’s going on because I can’t take this anymore. We were fine until the night we had sex, so what happened? If you’re going to dump me just do it now so I can start getting over you – ”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa!”
Riley scrambled up and put his hands on my arms but I was having a fit and wrenched myself out of his grip. Tears stinging my eyes, I backed up away from him and my knees hit the edge of the bed. I fell back with a grunt. Riley stood over me with sympathetic eyes. My tears started to fall.