Leah nodded. “When people are gay, you mean?”
A look of relief passed over Holly’s face. “Yes, that’s right, sweetheart.”
Leah looked suspiciously over her shoulder at her dad, then quickly back to her mum. “So…?” The question hung in the air like a hawk watching its dinner.
“I’m trying to tell you… I’m a lesbian, Leah. I’ve met someone I think is special, and I wanted you to know. We shouldn’t keep secrets from one another.” Holly looked thoroughly ashamed.
“It doesn’t mean anything will change between us three,” added Phil, trying to be helpful. “We both still love you, no matter what. That will never change. I still love your mum, and she still loves me. We are not ‘in love’ like we used to be, that’s all. I hope this is making some sense to you, Leah. We thought you were old enough to try to explain the situation. We didn’t want to confuse you.”
Leah looked at her father then her vision hovered on Holly. “Is this because of Ellie?” she asked, her body tense as she waited for an answer.
Holly let out a heavy sigh. “Yes, sweetheart, it is.”
Leah grinned from ear to ear. “Oh, good. Can I go to my room now?”
Holly nodded with relief, not knowing what else to say. “Yes, of course. Say goodnight to your dad first.”
Leah hugged her mum first and then her dad on the way to the stairs. As Holly heard her footfalls receding on the stairs, Holly leant her head back onto to the settee and wept.
Ellie awoke the next morning to the sound of chirping. She blinked several times and stared at the dark wardrobe with a bowed front, facing her. Had she time-slipped during the night? Back to the 1950s with its foreboding heavy furniture, the wardrobes as big as the average lounge in a new build? She sat up and grazed the room with her eyes. It wasn’t her imagination as she thought, and then her eyes alighted on the window, the chirping even louder. There on the outside windowsill sat her robin. She scrambled to get out of bed quickly, watching the bird intently as it jumped from side to side. She placed both hands on the inside sill and crouched, making her face level with the bird. She looked at the black patch being ruffled by the wind, but it was there. It was Alex.
“Hello, darling. How did you find me? We’re such a long way from home. I thought you’d stay there, waiting for me. You do understand that I have to work, don’t you?”
The bird hopped eagerly from side to side, dipping its head occasionally. Ellie wanted to shout it from the rooftops that she was speaking to her son, but who was there to listen? More importantly, who would believe her? Her mum and dad wanted her to get over the loss and move on as well as she was able. Although she felt Holly appreciated her love for Alex and a child’s loss was not something one actually got over, merely coped with, but would she understand Ellie’s insistence about the bird? Ellie shook her head. Holly wasn’t given much to flights of fancy. To her, a spade was a spade, not a shovel.
Ciara was likely to analyse the situation to death, giving everyone else’s reaction to Ellie’s revelation. Jude, however, was open to ideas of the metaphysics. Her belief about the unexplained events going on in this house was a testament to it. It would be useful to know when Jude had noticed things happening to see if it could possibly tie up with Alex. Ellie so wanted to talk about him and his apparent continued existence. She felt as though she would burst if she had to keep it to herself for much longer. She knew she couldn’t have him back and didn’t want to chase his spirit. That would be cruel. She knew she would always have him in her heart, but an occasional reminder from him would be welcome.
The bird seemed to become increasingly agitated by Ellie’s lack of conversation. It nodded its head backwards and forwards, giving a little hovering flutter every now and again. “Come on, sweetheart, settle down. Mummy has a lot to think about. I didn’t mean to ignore you. I want you to know that I—”
A loud rapping on the door broke Ellie away from her speech.
She turned and shouted at the door. “Yes,” she asked in a slightly annoyed tone.
“Ellie, are you on the phone already? I just wanted to let you know breakfast is ready.” Jude’s voice seemed to boom through the door.
“Thanks, Jude,” she answered. “I’ll be right down.” She listened intently to the clomp of work boots recede hastily along the corridor and down the stairs. Only then did she turn to face the window. Alex had flown away. With a pang of disappointment and only a couple of tears, she made her way downstairs.
The warm air wafted from the kitchen, along with the aroma of bacon. The smell always reminded her of home. She looked at the table set neatly, as Jude placed a plate of eggs, bacon, and freshly grilled halves of tomato at her usual place setting.
“Thank you, Jude. I wasn’t expecting a cooked breakfast. I normally force down a bowl of muesli, but that’s only because I’m idle. It seems such a waste making a cooked breakfast for one.”
Jude ignored the inference in the remark, determined to keep Ellie away from moroseness. “Couldn’t do my work without one. If I try, it gets to three in the afternoon, and I’m bushed.”
“Well, I’m glad I’m having one. I’m absolutely ravenous!” Ellie sat, then reached over, took some toast from the rack, and slathered on some butter. She took a bite and closed her eyes, feeling the creamy saltiness work its way around her mouth. “Real butter,” she said appreciatively.
Jude swallowed her food and answered. “Yes, straight from a local farm. I’ve got some of their meat in the freezer, too. Local produce was one of the first things I sorted out when I got here. Fruit and veg I’ll have from here later on. I’m developing a small piece of one of the surrounding fields.”
Ellie nodded until she’d finished half her food. “I’ve got my friend’s daughter, Leah, keeping my dad company down on his allotment. He’s teaching her about growing things in general. She’s very up for it for a child her age. Normally, it’s boy bands, cinema, shopping and the like. Leah like’s all those things, but only in small doses, it seems. At the moment, it’s cooking and growing food, and if she can combine the two, so much the better.” Ellie zoned out for a moment, wondering what meal Leah would be making for Phil and Holly, this evening.
Her tummy gave a wobble. She felt guilty because she’d sent Holly a text the previous night saying it was too late for a talk, and she would phone her today when she took her mid-morning break if that was okay. The reply was short and sweet. “Fine.”
Jude carried on talking and brought Ellie back to her senses. “You were away with your daydreams then,” she said, a slow smile spreading across her features.
Ellie tittered. “Nothing gets past you, does it? I was just thinking about Leah. She’s making dinner for her mum and dad tonight. She’s only twelve, so it’s a big thing for her. She was excited when I spoke to her last night, but then video chat failed, so I didn’t get to have the full conversation with her.”
Jude took a drink of tea to wash down her food. She pushed her dinner plate aside then put toast on her side plate. “What’s her mum’s name? If you’ve told me, I’ve forgotten.” She replenished her mug of tea and then did the same for Ellie.
“Holly,” replied Ellie, “and her dad is Phil.” Ellie briefly explained the situation between the trio as Jude buttered her toast and added a layer of thick cut marmalade.
“It’s complicated, comes to mind,” said Jude with a grin. Then with a more serious tone added, “Are you and she an item?”
Through the crunching of toast, Ellie thought before answering. “I have no idea is the honest answer. We are certainly close, but we’ve never really discussed anything.”
Jude looked puzzled. “Are you attracted to her? Physically, I mean.”
With a wash of guilt, Ellie confessed. Jude was easy to talk to. “Yes, I am, but you weren’t wrong when you said it was complicated,” Ellie explained about Holly being in the closet until she felt Leah could cope with the truth. “At the moment, I would be agreeing to a hidden relati
onship. I feel as though I’m going back on the promise I made to myself, though. Never be afraid of my sexuality. I feel as though I’m taking a backwards step, and I’m not happy.” Ellie looked downcast.
Jude drank the rest of her tea and sighed. She glanced up at the kitchen clock. “Well, perhaps this time in the morning is not the time to explore your heart’s feelings. Come on, let’s get some work done.” She stacked all the breakfast things at the side of the sink while Ellie finished her tea. “I’m going to tackle that mower again. There’s still no sign of a new one. See you at lunchtime,” she said with a grin, leaving Ellie to her own devices.
32
By the time Ellie arrived at the house, everyone was hard at work. The paint store had been left open so Ellie could get what she needed. As she was gathering her materials, she heard the door creak behind her.
“And what time do you call this, young lady?” asked Mick, a wide grin breaking his facial features.
Ellie looked at her watch. “Bloody hell, Mick! I thought we’d agreed half past seven? It’s only twenty past now.”
“Won’t get any work done lying in bed. I sweet-talked Brenda into a six-fifteen breakfast for us. She’s a sweetheart. She wants this place brought back to a shiny new self. Apparently, she spent a lot of time here as a child with one of the daughters of a previous owner. She probably knows the place better than we do.”
Ellie nodded. “Nice and cosy then. Has she heard anything on the grapevine as to who the new owner is?”
Mick shook his head. “Nope. One of the first things I asked her. She hasn’t a clue. The only people who’ve been seen are Amelia, who popped into the village store for a sandwich, and the gardener. I didn’t know there was a gardener.” He grimaced at the thought of not being in the loop.
“Yes, we have. I only found out myself on Monday.”
“What’s his name?” Mick asked.
Ellie decided he had to be one of the world’s worst gossips. “Her name is Jude,” said Ellie, waiting patiently for his reaction.
He slowly lifted one eyebrow in true Bond fashion. “Really,” he said suspiciously as his eyes narrowed.
Ellie jumped straight in before he could say anything else. “She’s a lovely person, too. I had dinner and stayed over in the lodge with her last night. We chewed the fat and put the world to rights.” Plus lots more, Ellie thought to herself. Not subjects she would like to share with Mick. The thought of her underwear by the fire just might push him over the edge.
“I’m sure you did,” said Mick, his narrowed eyes trying to wheedle out any indication Ellie was keeping something from him. “Anyway,” he said, after being convinced Ellie had told him everything, “the lads have their worksheets, and so do I. I’ve had a good look around this morning. That specialist group from Wales know their stuff. They’ve done a terrific job.”
Ellie nodded, knowing she couldn’t disagree. “Yes, we could do worse than adding them to our list of contacts for anything that crops up in the future.” Ellie grabbed her materials. “I’m going to start on bedroom two. See you later,” she said, leaving Mick to lock up.
In the kitchen, Ellie pondered. As the time ticked closer to ten thirty, Ellie’s stomach began turning somersaults. She wasn’t sure whether it was because she needed something to eat or was just the dread of phoning Holly. She panicked when she realised she didn’t know what to say to her. Where could she start? Holly, I feel so strongly about you, I’d like to take off all your clothes and ravage your body? What about Holly, you take my breath away. That may well be the truth, but it was just so cheesy. Ellie shook her head, deciding to go with the flow. How could she apologise for being so cowardly? She ran away at the first hurdle because she couldn’t face the fallout.
Ellie poured herself a coffee and sat down at the table. Going by the debris left scattered around by the others, it looked as though she would have the kitchen to herself while she made the call. For that, she was grateful. The last thing she needed was the crew listening to her bearing her soul. Her hand trembled as she retrieved the phone from her pocket. She selected Holly from the call list and rang the number.
It rang out four times before she answered. “Hello,” was the reply from the other end. Ellie was amazed by how much emotion was crammed in those five letters.
Ellie could feel her body tensing as unrelenting images, thoughts, and emotions swirled in her grey matter. “Hi, Holly. How are you?” Ellie knew her voice sounded weak, but she couldn’t change it.
“You don’t want to know.” Holly’s voice hardened. Ellie rarely heard this tone from Holly.
“I do, really,” said Ellie cheerily. Not that she felt cheerful in any way. “It’s ages since we’ve had a proper chat. What’s going on in your life?” Ellie rolled her eyes at her own pathetic attempt at conversation.
There was silence for a while. It sounded… loud. “Phil and I...” Holly gave a huge gulp, “had the talk with Leah last night.”
Ellie couldn’t follow the thought until the penny dropped. “Oh, heavens!” she said, practically at screaming pitch. “How did she take the news? I hope she’s okay.”
Holly’s voice was calm, and Ellie found it very disconcerting. “She’s absolutely fine. She asked about you this morning. I think the initial bravado has worn off now. She wants to be able to fit all the jigsaw pieces together, but there’s one missing.”
Ellie felt ashamed. She realised she didn’t know the talk was happening, but if she hadn’t run away, she would have been there. “Yes, I know,” she said apologetically. “I just felt as though the situation was getting on top of me.”
Holly’s voice was now fever pitch. “Which situation, Ellie? Would that be our friendship? If you can’t cope with that, how are you going to cope with anything deeper? Was there going to be anything more or does it suit you to keep me dangling? I know it’s Leah that’s the problem—I’ve worked that much out. Well, the deed is done now, without you so you can come back now with a clear conscience. Just don’t come back here. I will do everything I need to with regard to Leah and your dad, but only because neither of them deserve to be treated like shit.”
Ellie looked at the phone, unable to digest what she’d just heard. She put the mouthpiece closer and said boldly. “But Holly, I love you, and I love Leah. I couldn’t love her more if she was my own child. Please listen and I’ll explain.”
It was then Ellie realised there was nobody listening.
The weekend brought with it a rare glimpse of balmy weather. Ellie frowned as she put away the debris from her lunch, wondering how the seasons were changing. It saddened her to think of the continual cloud cover they had during most of the spring. It never used to be that way.
“A penny for your thoughts,” said Jude, wrapping up the cling film from her sandwich into a tight ball and putting it in the carrier bag. She began peeling her orange, infusing the still air with its zest.
“Trust me,” replied a crestfallen Ellie, “they aren’t worth that much.”
“Oh, come on. You’ve been like a bear with a sore head these last few weeks. What’s wrong?”
Ellie felt harassed by her newfound friends. The night before, she’d spent nearly two hours on the phone with Ciara discussing the situation with Holly, and this must be the fourth time Jude had asked her the same question. Ellie felt fragile, but she knew in her heart that it was her own fault. Laying blame didn’t help. She learned that much since Alex’s demise. But the fact remained that she hadn’t been there when Holly needed her.
She’d only spoken to Leah a couple of times since her conversation with Holly. The first one seemed awkward and stilted—the second not so much so, as Ellie spent most of the time apologising about not being able to attend the fete. Despite her and Holly’s differences, Leah was still allowed to speak with Ellie, so she had to thank Holly for at least not being peevish. On top of all the self-inflicted drama, she missed Alex to the far-reaching places of her soul. She’d seen nothing of him since she’d
first stayed at the lodge.
Jude cleared her throat. “You should have gone to the pub with the lads for a slap-up roast dinner and a drink. The company would have done you good.”
Ellie shook her head. Elbows on the table, she rested her head in her hands. “I wouldn’t have been good company. It’s their only afternoon off. I don’t want to spoil it for them.”
“Have you lost interest in the work now that it’s nearly finished,” she asked softly.
Ellie considered her answer carefully. “No, I haven’t. But I do want to get it finished as soon as possible. I’m missing my home and my family. I’ve only seen my mum and dad twice, and those two visits were a little frosty. I still haven’t had time to sit down and have a real heart-to-heart with my mum, so we haven’t cleared the air. I know the thought worries my dad. The longer I’m away, the less likely I am to get the problems sorted out. It seems as though I’ve been away forever. How pathetic is that?”
Jude narrowed her eyes. “You have no idea how brave you are, have you?” The question was rhetorical, as Jude carried on. “You lost your child less than twelve months ago, you have carried on working and taken on probably the hardest project you will ever have. And, from what I can see, you’re doing a bloody good job.” Jude slurped hard through the straw inserted in the fruit drink carton.
Ellie stared into space. “I couldn’t do it without help.”
“It’s not about help. It’s about drive, and you usually have it in bucket loads. So where’s it gone?”
“It’s at home with a woman and her daughter. One’s who used to be part of my life. Now they’re not.” Ellie put her head down and began to weep.
The Harbinger Page 27