Man Up Husband

by Danielle Sibarium

  "Maybe she's a tiny bit lucky to have you, too."

  "Thanks," he says with a smirk. "Coming from you, that means a lot."

  "Don't get too full of yourself. I still hate you."

  He laughs at this, but I didn't mean it to be funny. I mean it to insult him, or piss him off, or maybe just push him away. I'm not sure why I'm trying to get a rise out of him, but I am.

  In the years that I've been with Troy, Cooper's kept his emotional distance almost as well as he keeps his physical distance from me. Once the truth about us came out, we had an unspoken agreement to never bring up what happened the day we met, to avoid spending time alone in a room together, and to never share an exchange more serious than pleasantries or insults in conversation.

  We tolerate each other at best, unless Cooper feels the need to throw a dig at me or Troy. Over the years, they've been few and far between but they pop up every now and then, serving as a reminder that Cooper got to me first.

  That's all that existed between us.

  Until today.

  This is the first time he pushed any of the boundaries we silently agreed to, and I'm not sure how I feel about it. I might even like that he's here for me, that he refused to let me go through this alone, but I can't let him in too far. I can't risk Troy jumping to the wrong conclusion.

  "I'm scared." I admit without looking at him.

  Scared doesn't scratch the surface. I'm downright terrified. My muscles and nerves are still vibrating, still shaking since Dr. Cummings' call. I drop onto the couch and hold my head in my hands.

  "What am I going to do?"

  Cooper sits next to me and rubs my back.

  "The first thing you need to do is tell Troy."

  I shake my head. "That's the last thing I need to do. He can't find out."

  "Come on, Marlena. Don't be ridiculous. You have to tell him."

  "He doesn't understand. He gets mad over the stupidest things, like I'm trying to make mistakes and forget everything. I think he just thinks I'm an idiot. I don't even freaking know anymore. I just know that he thinks I spend too much time making excuses for the things I do rather than owning up to them."

  "Because you've been lying and covering up. He thinks it's about your relationship, that you're bored, or you don't feel the same way about him anymore. All he wants is to win you back."

  "He shouldn't be trying to win me back. I never went anywhere."

  "The secrecy. The change in you. You may not realize that you're acting different, but he does. Troy feels like he lost you. Trust me, he has no clue that there's something medically wrong."

  "Exactly. And he should know."

  "How can he if you won't tell him?"

  "I don't know! But he should know me well enough to trust that my love, our love, is solid and strong. He should understand when I vowed to love him until death do us part, our bond was sealed. I'd never go back on any of my promises to him."

  "I know. But sometimes it's like a fog rolls into our head and clouds our judgment. We can't see things for what they really are behind that mist, so we guess what's hidden behind the veil is even worse than what we're imagining. When times are tough, we never consider the possibility that things really are going to be okay. Instead, we worry that a bogeyman is lurking in the shadows, ready to destroy everything good in our life."

  "It doesn't matter. I don't want him to know."

  Holding my chin between his thumb and pointer finger, Cooper turns my head and moves closer so that I'm forced to look at him.

  "There's a reason you married him. He's a good guy and you know it. Give him the chance to be there for you. Let him help you through this."

  A fresh batch of tears spring up. This time they're accompanied by sobs. "You don't understand what any of this is like. You have no idea how bad it gets."

  "Fine. Make me understand."

  "Sometimes I get confused and I can't tell what's real from what I dreamt. I forget things, like my phone number or my address or where I'm going. I know what it's like to watch someone you love disintegrate before your eyes and become a shell of the person you knew. I know the pain of having someone you love not know who you are. I don't want that for him. Maybe it's better if he thinks I just don't love him anymore. Maybe he'll just walk away before I forget him."

  Cooper's fingers stroke my cheek. "You love him too much to ever forget him. He makes up a large part of your heart. I promise, you won't ever forget."

  I shake my head and try to calm down enough to let the words out. Words that I never spoke out loud before.

  "My father's twelve years older than my mother. They had me late, so while I'm still young, he's not. My freshman year of college, my father was diagnosed with Alzheimer's," I stop and take a deep breath.

  "I lived on campus, but when I heard the news, I made a point of coming home more often so I could spend quality time with him while I could. I went to visit him in his office one day. He was working on a new layout for the magazine he ran. He was so excited. He told me all about how it was going to attract more interest. Before I left, he forgot where he wanted a key piece to go. I didn't want him to feel bad about it, like he was incompetent or anything, so I pointed to the spot he'd shown me earlier and said I thought that might work. He loved the idea. As I left the office . . ." I cry harder again, hating these memories, hating that I'm telling Cooper something I never even told Troy.

  "As I left, he followed me out to the reception area and told his secretary to make that cute intern an offer she couldn't refuse because he needed someone around the office that had a brain as well as looks. And maybe if he played his cards right, she'd be willing to go on a date with him."

  Again his arms are around me, and again I sink into them.

  "I'm sorry, Marlena."

  "He didn't know who I was. He fucking forgot his own daughter. My father was my hero. I never doubted how much he loved me, or my mother. I still don't, but if he could forget me . . ."

  Cooper reaches over to the coffee table and hands me the box of tissues.

  "This is different. It's not Alzheimer's. You won't forget Troy."

  "You don't know that. And it would kill me . . ." there's no holding back now. Tissue in hand, I allow hysterics to take over. "Do you know what I did right after that?" I pull back enough to look in his eyes. "Do you have any idea?"

  Cooper shakes his head. "No."

  "I got into the elevator, and I met you."

  Cooper's arms tighten around me. His cheek rests on my head.

  "I'm sorry. I'm sorry you had to go through that. I'm so sorry I added to your pain."

  "Always so full of yourself." Feeling a smidgeon better with the weight of my worries out in the open, I snicker. "You didn't add to my pain. You helped ease it."

  "That's why you needed a distraction."

  "Yes. And boy did you distract me."

  I laugh in spite of the sadness the memories of that day bring. The mood is so much lighter than a minute ago.

  "So it wasn't the worst day of your life because of me?"

  "God, does anyone else exist in that mind of yours? No, it wasn't because of you. You were the best part of that day."

  "Well then, I'm glad I did something good for a change. The few times you referenced it and said it was the worst day of your life, I felt horrible. I thought it was because I never called you."

  "You made it clear before anything happened that you weren't going to."

  "Except you don't know that I struggled for a month with the thought of calling you. I liked you. A lot. I felt something stronger than a simple attraction to you. It was a real connection, and for me, those were few and far in between. But I knew from the little time we spent together that day that I was too fucked up, and you deserved better."

  "Is that why you told Troy I was only with him to get to you?"

  He nods. "I was a shit. I let you go, and when you showed up with Troy, I regretted it. I didn't want the constant reminder that I couldn't have you." />
  "So you made him think you could have me anytime you wanted."

  "I didn't mean to cause problems, especially after you got married. I was just yanking his chain."

  "He thinks there's something going on between us. He thinks that's the reason behind all the shit with me, why I'm so forgetful."

  Cooper looks away. "Not anymore he doesn't. I fucked up big time. The way you were acting. I sort of convinced him you were pregnant."

  "You didn't!" I push back away from him. "Troy wants another baby. He's going to be so crushed."

  Cooper shakes his head. "No. He'll be crushed if you lie to him and you don't tell him what's going on. Honestly, Marlena, if that's the road you go down, I don't know if you can come back from it."

  "What if he turns to someone else the way I did with you? I don't think I can handle a broken heart on top of everything else right now."

  "You weren't with anyone when you turned to me. I'm sure if you were, nothing would've happened. But what if Troy stands by your side and holds your hand through it all? I never promised you anything before, but I promise if you give him a chance, he'll do the right thing."

  "You don't know that."

  "Yes. I do."

  Chapter 11

  Troy

  I pound on the door to his apartment. The doorman called up to let him know I was coming. I wanted to have the element of surprise on my side. Selene opens the door with Jaxson in her arms. I hate involving her in this, but she has the right to know what her husband is up to.

  "Where's Cooper?"

  "He's not here."

  "Da-da!" Mia squeals in delight, running to me.

  I scoop my princess up and close my eyes, furious that Marlena came straight here after fucking Cooper. It's sick and sordid. I never saw her as that type. I guess I just never saw her for who she really is. I need to pull myself together. I don't want Mia to see me lose my cool. It might frighten her. Lord knows I'm feeling so out of control it's scaring the shit out of me.

  "Marlena," I call out, looking over Selene's shoulder for my wife.

  "She isn't here. I'm watching Mia for her."

  Feeling like a fifty-pound lead vest was just laid on my shoulders, I put Mia back down on the ground and rub my forehead.

  "You know, don't you?"

  Selene shifts her eyes, avoiding mine. "I don't know what you're talking about."

  "You're okay with this? You can just look the other way while they sneak off behind our backs?"

  Selene moves into the living room and places Jaxson in the playpen. "If you mean do I know that Cooper's with Marlena right now? Yes. I do."

  I grab her elbow and lean in so that I can speak in a low tone. "And you don't have a problem with the fact that your husband is fucking my wife?"

  She shakes her head. "No. He's not. That's not what's going on."

  "Did he tell you I got home early last week and found them alone in my house together? Did he?"

  "He was helping her."

  "Bullshit. He told me he wanted to buy you a gift and needed advice. Remember? That's when he bought you the earrings. He bought those out of guilt. If he was really helping her with something, why hide it? Why lie? And why is he always around her?"

  "Troy."

  I hear Cooper's voice behind me. My hands ball into fists. Adrenaline spikes through my stream. He's only a few feet away. Just a few more seconds and I can hit him. I can pound on him and make him pay for destroying my marriage and my life.

  "Come on, kids. Let's go play in Jaxson's room," Selene says, picking her son up again and leading Mia by the hand.

  What a fucking gift. Now I don't have to worry about the kids witnessing anything. I wait for them to leave. Once we're alone, I don't try to hide the hate, the disdain I feel for Cooper.

  "You son of a bitch. You couldn't keep your hands off her. You couldn't leave us alone and let me be happy."

  "Look, man. I don't know what you're talking about or why you look like I just peed in your soup, but you need to hear me out."

  "Fuck you." I shove his shoulder. "I don't need to listen to one word that comes out of your lying mouth."

  Cooper stumbles back from the momentum of the push but remains on his feet. He's not fighting back. Another sign of his guilt. "Push me again and I'll pin you to the floor and make you fucking listen."

  "C'mon," I hold my arms out and wave my fingers, daring him to get closer. "You want a piece of me? Have at it."

  "Shut up, dickhead. I don't want to fight you."

  "Because you're a fucking pussy." I say, shoving him again. "You can't fight like a man. That's why you look to fuck anything with a hole."

  I don't expect his fist to move so fast or to have so much power behind it. I bend over, gasping for air. Motherfucker knocked the wind out of me.

  "I can fight just fine, Troy. The question is, can you act like an adult and listen?"

  I don't want to give him the benefit of knowing he bested me. I straighten up, although not all the way, still trying to catch my breath. I buy time by pulling my phone out of my pocket and showing him the picture.

  "I know you're fucking Marlena. I know the baby is yours."

  "Okay, dumbass. Yes, I was with Marlena today, and yes I tried to comfort her, but no, I'm not fucking her. I haven't touched her since before you two got together. And no, she's not pregnant."

  "Stop the lies already. I'm not fucking stupid. Every time I turn around, you're there with her. And this, this looks like a lot more than touching," I say, shoving my phone back in my pocket. "What, did she get rid of the baby because it was yours? Is that why you were comforting her?"

  "You really are a dick. Do you hear how you're talking about your wife? About the mother of your child?"

  "Yeah, I know exactly who and what she is."

  "She's not pregnant. Never was, as far as I know."

  "But she's been tired and weak, and confused. And you said--" Cooper nods, and I see something in his eyes. Something somber and serious. It's a look I've never seen from him before, and it terrifies me. I'm starting to get it. "Then that means something is wrong."

  "Exactly."

  "No," I say, refusing to believe it. "She would've told me."

  "She's scared."

  "You're lying. Just like you fucking lie about everything!" I shout, running my hands through my hair. "I would know if something is wrong with her. I would know!" I deny what's right in front of me. I have to because the implications of what it means if it's true rattles me to my core.

  "I know sometimes I snap when I shouldn't, and that I've been a jerk. But she would've told me. I've been trying to make things better. She knows that. I'm trying to make things right between us. I don't know what else I can do. I thought she loved me."

  "She does. And she needs you." I don't respond. "Did you hear what I said, Troy? She. Fucking. Needs. You. Now get your ass home and talk to her."

  "I can't. She's a liar. She lies about you all the time. And I'm so mad at her. I've been texting and calling her all day, and she hasn't gotten back to me at all. It's like I don't fucking exist."

  "She's dealing with a lot."

  "And yet she turned to you instead of me." I sit on the couch and lean forward, my elbows on my knees. "All I ever hear is how much she hates you, and you're the one she confides in. Over and over again."

  "Yeah, she hates me." Cooper takes the spot next to me. "I've given her plenty of reason to be pissed. But I didn't let her keep me out, I forced my way in. And that's why she told me, because I wouldn't take no for an answer. That, and she doesn't give a fuck what I think. She's not worried my opinion of her will change."

  "And she thinks mine will?"

  "Yeah. She's scared to death, man."

  "I'm so fucked up right now, I'm not processing this. Why would she think that? Are you saying . . . Is she sick?"

  "Don't ask me for answers, ask your wife. Go home and talk to her. Don't give her the option of shutting you out. Let her know what she me
ans to you. She needs to know that you love her and that you'll be there for her no matter what."

  The hairs on my arms and the back of my neck are standing on end as his words sink in. This is bad. I thought my heart was breaking before, when I thought they were screwing. That pain is nothing compared to this. My phone vibrates in my pocket. I don't hesitate to read the message.

  Marlena: Sorry, I didn't mean to worry you. Everything is fine.

  Another message comes in immediately after.

  Marlena: Mia is with Cooper and Selene. I thought we could have dinner alone and then pick her up together.

  Before I can respond, one more message comes in.

  Marlena: I really am sorry I made you worry. I love you. Always.

  "Don't waste your time here with me. Go tell Marlena what she needs to hear. Go tell her you love her."

  The anger I thought I'd never get under control moved out and gave way to fear. What does he know that would've kept her from answering me all day? "And if she doesn't tell me? If she pretends everything is fine?"

  "Then I'll tell you tomorrow. I promise. But give her a chance. Give her tonight."

  "What about Mia?"

  "We've got her. If you want, she can spend the night here."

  "Yeah, but . . ."

  "We'll figure it out. Don't worry. We'll take good care of your little girl."

  *

  I drive home in a daze. I don't know how I even make it here. I don't remember stopping at red lights or seeing other cars on the road. All I know for sure is a bone-tingling chill has spread through my body. I fear the worst. I'm terrified I could lose her for good.

  With the car parked in the garage, I kill the engine and lean against the headrest, pulling myself together. I don't know what I'm about to face, but I know I can't break down. I need to be strong for Marlena.

  I gather up the courage to hear the news my wife has to tell me. Whatever it is, it can't be that bad as long as we have each other. That's the most important thing, that we cling to each other and never let go. I walk into the kitchen. She's not there, but the teapot is whistling on the stove. I turn the flame off and move into the living room. Still no sign of her.

  For a nanosecond, I worry that something happened. Whatever this awful news is might have already started playing out. I dismiss the thought almost as fast as it enters my mind. No way. I won't allow myself to panic and fall apart. Not yet.