TRAPPED IN LUST: A PUSHERS CLUB STORY

by Tennant, Moira

  “What do you mean, it doesn’t matter? Brock, I’ve spent all my life—”

  He raised his hand. “No, no, I know that. What I meant was, if you’re in a relationship, it’s not about feeling in control. Or even being in control. A true relationship is about sharing everything, right? That includes control and making decisions. Sometimes there’ll be times where one takes the lead, sure, but other times it’ll be the other way round. And if there are boundaries in there, well, that’s where talking comes in. You set the boundaries loud and clear, and you stick to them, and everything should be fine. What you have to know is, do you really want to be in that relationship.”

  Leigh considered his reply. He kept staring at her like he expected her to say something.

  “What?”

  “Do you?”

  “Do I what?”

  Brock actually sighed. He seemed as close to losing his patience as Leigh had ever seen him.

  “Leigh, I get that this isn’t easy for you, but please, don’t play dumb with me. You have to choose. You have to decide. Do you want a relationship with Jonas? And it can’t be a passing thing, it can’t be a ‘let’s just try it out and see what happens’ fling. You two are too close for that bullshit, and he loves you too much. So do you love him? Really?”

  “God.” Leigh’s elbow rested on the desk next to her, and she laid her head on her hand. “I can’t even tell anymore. Back in the boat, when everything was going great, I thought I did. I really did. Then things got… complicated. And I just don’t know anymore.”

  “Well. In my book, things are truer when they’re simple. Complications add unnecessary layers, makes things harder to see clearly. Maybe that time on the boat is what you should be looking to.”

  “Maybe…”

  He slapped his hands on his legs and moved forward, finally moving off the desk. “Then again, maybe not. What do I know?”

  Leigh laughed. He knew exactly what he knew, and it was a lot.

  “I guess after all that, the least I can do is buy you lunch,” he told her. “There’s this great restaurant around the corner I’ve been dying to take you to.”

  She held his arm as they left the office.

  “What if I don’t want to go to that restaurant?”

  “Then next time you won’t. This time, though, you gotta roll with it. I mean, I am buying.”

  The broken house

  The house was just there. It didn’t call attention to itself in any way. It didn’t look so new as to attract attention, nor so run down as to repel it.

  Not until you looked closer. As Leigh walked up the porch steps, she could see the walls cracking in lots of places, the floor threatening to open up one of those days.

  Yet there was still a unifying, sturdy and old school look that suggested it had been great when it started, and could be great again if someone put it all back together in the right way.

  Of course, it would have to be mostly torn down first.

  Leigh raised her hand to knock, then stopped.

  Should she turn back instead?

  Sooner or later she would have to talk to Jonas again, she knew that. Regardless of where things ultimately ended up, they meant too much to each other to just leave it as it was. So when Brock told her Jonas had returned to his safety blanket of restoring old houses all by himself, presumably to flip them but actually just for pleasure, she asked for the address. Yet she wasn’t quite sure she was ready to see him again, let alone talk to him.

  Inside, something heavy hit something hard again and again, the sounds leaving no doubt that stuff was getting broken up into little pieces.

  Leigh left the porch, and for a second almost walked away.

  Then she stopped.

  This isn’t right, she told herself. The more time you let pass, the harder it will be to mend. The worse things will get. You wanted control, girl, then take it. Waiting for things to blow over just means they never will.

  Steeling herself, she walked around the house until she got to the back yard. She could see Jonas through the glass pane of the back door, hitting a wall over and over again with a sledgehammer. He looked like he’d been at it for days. Unshaven, spots of dirt clinging to his sweat, his naked torso dripping as his muscles rippled at each strike of the hammer.

  It was tempting to just stay and watch. Jonas was certainly a sight to behold, and a memory to preserve.

  But she had other memories, and other things to preserve. Or salvage. And that’s what she had come to do.

  She knocked on the door.

  “Anybody home?” she said, forcing a smile.

  He looked over his shoulder and saw Leigh standing there. His face showed no reaction in the second it took for him to turn away again.

  “One second,” he said. Then he stroke the wall two other times, grunting each time, putting all of his strength into each strike.

  This can’t be a good sign, Leigh thought.

  The sledgehammer literally dropped to the floor. He sighed, letting his body relaxed, then turned to the door and let Leigh in.

  “Come in. Forgive the mess, I didn’t know you were coming.”

  “It’s okay,” she said, simply because she couldn’t think of anything else.

  Leigh paced around the room a few times. It was run down, but it looked perfectly useable. She wondered why Jonas felt the need to tear it down and build it back up, but then remembered that he always liked to make things perfect.

  “I like what you’ve done with the place.” She nodded towards the wall he’d been hammering down. “Any particular reason you don’t like this wall?”

  “I like it just fine, I just don’t want it. There’re enough rooms upstairs for bedrooms, office and the like. I prefer losing the room on the other side, but gaining a big salon.”

  “Ah. Okay, that makes sense…”

  He looked around the room, and Leigh could see his pride in it.

  “Some day, a family will live here. This will be someone’s home. And they’ll be happy here.”

  Then he turned to her. Seconds passed. He was staring at her, while she did her best not to looking in the eyes.

  “Why are you here, Leigh?”

  “I… I wanted to talk to you.”

  “Why? You’ve made yourself pretty clear about the one thing that mattered to me.”

  “Jonas, please. Don’t be like that. I came here to save our friendship—”

  “No. Don’t you get it? We have no friendship. We’re not friends anymore, Leigh. We can’t be, not now.”

  “Jonas… Just because… We did stuff, it doesn’t mean—”

  “Oh, don’t play coy with me. You know that’s not what I mean. I love you, Leigh.” The words seemed to take all the air out of his body. “I love you with all my heart. With all I have to give. I love your kindness, I love your spirit, I love that need of yours to be yourself, to be independent.” He walked past her towards the wall, picking up his sledgehammer. “And I love you way too much to pretend to just be your friend.”

  Jonas threw the head of the hammer against the wall again, and again. Pieces of drywall and dust flew.

  “Jonas. Jonas, stop that. Damn it, let me talk to you for a minute!”

  He stopped. Let the hammer slip of his hand until he was holding it right at the end of the handle. But he didn’t turn around.

  “Fine. Whatever it is, just say it and let’s get this over with, alright? Let’s get some closure on this.”

  And Leigh just didn’t know what to say. She had so much to tell him, so many things had crossed her mind since they had last seen each other. Yet now, it was like it was all wiped away. Vanished.

  So she said the first thing that popped into her head.

  “I don’t want closure.”

  Jonas still didn’t turn, but he did lift his chin from his chest.

  “What do you mean?”

  “I don’t want closure. Closure means an ending, and I don’t want an ending.” Step by step, she walke
d towards him. “I… I missed you.”

  “I missed you too. That doesn’t change anything.”

  “No, it does. It really does. Because you’ve always been there, you’ve always… God, I have no idea how to say this…”

  She was about to touch his back when he turned. He looked at her, into her. He looked calm, far calmer than she expected him to be. Almost without thinking, she put her hand on his chest, and he held it there.

  “Just say it. I’m listening. Whatever it is, let it out for once.”

  Leigh filled her lungs with air.

  “I said you were choosing everything for me. That you were taking away my freedom to choose, and undermining my free will.”

  He scoffed. “Yes, I remember that clearly.”

  “Well, I was wrong. You did do that, but… That’s who you are. You like to build things that make people happy. Maybe it’s houses, maybe it’s fantasies. That’s not taking away someone’s choice, it’s giving them a gift. An experience.”

  “Then why did you say it?”

  “I think… I misjudged myself. I thought I was upset that you were making choices that were mine to make, but… Jonas, I cracked when you picked a man to fuck me. I was fine when you offered me the chance to do it myself, but I couldn’t take it when you did it. It felt like you were offering me up to a stranger on a platter. Like I was just a toy you were sharing.”

  His eyes widened. “Leigh, I would never—”

  “I know. I know. That’s not what you did, that’s just what I felt. Because the truth is… More than anything, I didn’t want to share myself with anyone else in that moment. I wanted to share myself with you. I wanted you, and you sent someone else. That just… Maybe it’s stupid, but that hurt.”

  “It’s not stupid. I didn’t think. I’m sorry.”

  She smiled meekly.

  “Don’t be sorry. I’m sorry. It’s just… Jonas, I need you in my life. I can’t… I can’t stand not having you. It’s unbearable, it’s…” Her voice cracked, and she could feel her eyes starting to well up. “I want to tell you I love you, I really do, but I can’t. Because the need I feel for you, I’ve always felt it. Always. And I can’t tell anymore if I’ve always loved you and didn’t want to admit it, or if I still don’t love you, and it’s not fair to either of us and… and…”

  Leigh’s voice trailed off as her tears started flowing. Jonas wrapped his arms around her, holding her close. Leigh found herself breathing in bits of wall dust, but didn’t care one bit.

  “You don’t have to say it,” said Jonas. “You really don’t.” Gently, he lifted her chin and smiled at her. “At least not right now.”

  His face approached hers, slowly. Leigh didn’t move, and their lips connected. There was something in the kiss, something new. They’d kissed before, with passion, with tenderness, with lust. But it was never like this.

  “That wasn’t what I had in mind when I came here,” she finally said.

  “Do you want to leave?” Jonas asked, in a tone that told her he knew the answer.

  “Hell no!” Leigh kissed him this time, harder that Jonas had, and he answered in kind.

  She felt him, all of him. His lips on hers, his chest against hers, his arms holding her. She felt all of him, and wanted him to feel her too, so she held on to him as hard as she could.

  The intensity of the kiss grew, and pretty soon their tongues were touching and teasing each other. His hardness pressed against her. She smiled and leaned into it.

  “You sure?” Jonas said, stopping the kissing just long enough to speak.

  She didn’t have to stop to answer. “Hm-hm…”

  Leigh reached between them, feeling for his hard-on, and rubbing it over his work pants. Jonas moaned into her mouth. In that moment, she pulled away from him, and for a second enjoyed the puzzled look on his face. Then she turned around and leaned back towards him, her whole back gluing itself to his chest. She tilted her head just enough for them to keep kissing. It was awkward, but nice. And as she felt his bulge rubbing itself between her buttocks, above all else it was hot.

  With a single move, Jonas spun both of them around to face the wall. He breathed onto her neck, a hot, needy breath, and licked her lobe. Leigh moaned, and let her lust take over.

  Bending over, she put her palms on the wall. Getting the hint, Jonas’ hands went around her waist.

  “Are you sure?” he said while unbuckling her belt.

  “Hm-hm,” she answered, biting her lip as he pulled down her pants and undid his own.

  She felt his hard-on touch her wetness, craving it. Maddeningly, he inserted himself just barely.

  “More…” she breathed out.

  So, so slowly, he pushed himself further inside until he was all the way in. Then he pulled back, and pushed in again, over and over, slowly at first, but gaining speed with each cycle until he was thrusting fast and hard.

  Leigh tried to say something, she didn’t even know what, but all that came out was a prolonged and trembling moan.

  Jonas slowed down again. He kept going all the way in, but far slower. For a moment, she wondered why, until she felt his hand go around her waist again, then down to her mound, searching.

  Then, just as he thrust in hard again, contact.

  “Oh my guuuuuh—”

  Her whole body shuddered and convulsed, to the point she almost fell. Jonas held her tight in position, keeping his whole shaft inside while they rode out her pleasure.

  When they did, he pulled out and picked her up in his arms. For a moment she wondered where he was taking her, but then she didn’t care anymore. Her eyes closed, and she let herself be lulled by the comfort of his body.

  Soon after, he lowered her. She opened her eyes and looked down. They were in a small, old mattress. She didn’t care. He was on top of her, that gorgeous, glorious man. Naked, loving and lustful.

  And she wanted him again.

  She wrapped her legs around his waist, pushing him inside her and locking him in position.

  He laughed.

  “The lady knows what she wants, hm?”

  “The lady wants you. Now.”

  With a kiss, he pushed his throbbing cock inside her. No slowness this time, no hesitation. He just fucked her.

  No, that’s not right. Despite the strength and the speed, there was a gentleness to it, confirmed by his hands caressing her and his lips kissing her.

  They weren’t fucking. They were making love.

  And Leigh was loving every second.

  “Don’t stop. More. Do me more…” Her legs were so tight around his waist that he could barely move, but somehow he made do, still giving her all he had, pushing himself deep within with each stroke.

  “I love you.” He said. “God, I love you so much.”

  Every other time he had said it, the words had felt dangerous, unnatural.

  Not this time. This time, Leigh welcomed them as much as she welcomed him. Lifting her head, she kissed him hard.

  He groaned into her mouth, and she felt his shaft grow and tremble inside her. He was close.

  She locked her lips over his and her legs around his hips as tight as she could. This was what she wanted, she realized. This moment, this instant, this feeling, forever.

  He squirted inside her, and the feeling drove Leigh over the edge. Both their bodies trembled together, out of sync yet as connected as ever.

  Jonas collapsed on top of her, and Leigh welcomed him.

  When he was finally able to move, he looked up at her, fondled her cheek and smiled. She smiled back as he rolled over.

  Her muscles didn’t want to respond, but she forced herself to turn and put one of his arms over her head so she could rest on his chest.

  “You know something?” she said.

  “What?”

  “I think I love you too.”

  Jonas let out a soft laugh.

  “Never doubted it for a second.”

  He gave her a quick kiss, after which both of them l
et their bodies relax as they needed.

  Deep in her mind, there were still doubts. Not about what she felt, but about what their life would be, what they would do. Even how long they’d last.

  She buried them deeper still, and chose to enjoy him forever.

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