Primperfect

by Deirdre Sullivan

  35.Is not thinner than me.

  36.Is taller than me.

  37.Can lift me up and carry me if I get to tired to walk.

  38.Does not patronise me.

  39.Understands me.

  40.Will be polite to my mother.

  41.Will bring her gifts if he ever gets invited to my house for dinner.

  42.Will operate under the unspoken assumption that my mother is a wagon and that I am in the right whenever we argue.

  43. Would have been nice to Grandma Lily. Will listen to me talk about her and visit her grave with me.

  44.Will get on with Prim and Ella and Joel.

  45.Will not fancy Prim.

  46.Will not fancy Ella.

  47.Will not fancy Joel and therefore become ineligible for boyfriendhood. (See point 9.)

  48.Will allow me to choose his outfits, within reason. (Not every day, but certainly for special occasions.)

  49.Will have cute friends.

  50.Will support my philanthropy. (Reading to the seniors, setting up my single girlfriends, etc.)

  51.Will respect me for my intellect.

  52.Will enjoy the aesthetics of a well-made hat.

  53.Will not be bisexual.

  54.Will take care of his skin and hair.

  55.Will have short, regularly trimmed finger- and toenails.

  56.Will not have back-hair.

  57.Will not have chest-hair to excess, although a small amount is not only acceptable but encouraged.

  58.Will ask my father for permission to marry me, when the time comes.

  59.Will get on well, but not too well, with my father.

  60.Will not be after me for my money.

  61.Will not make fun of me.

  62.Will have two distinct eyebrows that do not meet in the middle.

  63.Will tweeze in order to comply with point 62, if needs be.

  64.Will not tell people that he tweezes his eyebrows.

  65.Will wear an aftershave I like.

  66.But not to excess.

  67.Will let me choose the film in the cinema even if it isn’t something he wants to see.

  68.Will not be a push-over.

  69.Is not overly religious.

  70.Is a gentleman.

  71.Opens doors for me and guides me through them with his hand on the small of my back.

  72.Likes to talk about computer games, especially Fable. Not all the time, though.

  73.Doesn’t mind me being better at computer games than he is because I probably am.

  74.Doesn’t mind me being better at sewing and hat-making than he is because I definitely am.

  75.Cares about the environment: puts things in the right bins.

  76.Doesn’t drink or take drugs to excess.

  77.Drinks a bit, though.

  78.Won’t judge me if I have a few on a night out.

  79.Isn’t judgemental about how squeaky I get when I’m around Prim.

  80.Isn’t judgemental about how quiet I can be sometimes.

  81.Doesn’t mind that I used to eat my own hair.

  82.Will never cheat on me.

  83.Constantly tells me I am pretty.

  84.Does not comment about how pretty other girls are around me, unless explicitly instructed to do so by me, to boost the self-esteem of a single friend.

  85.Understands that I am under a lot of pressure.

  86.Is not too demanding.

  87.Is a great kisser.

  88.Is good at the other physical stuff, with a view to being great at it after a reasonable amount of practice.

  89.Does not pressure me to have sex with him.

  90.Really, really wants to have sex with me.

  91.Does not use crude words to refer to parts of either of our bodies.

  92.Does not use crude words to refer to sex and sex-related activities.

  93.Enjoys the sunshine.

  94.Knows how to mow a lawn.

  95.Will mow the lawn for my parents on occasion.

  96.Replies to my texts.

  97.Will always reply to my texts within an hour, if they contain a question.

  98.Always returns my phone calls.

  99.Texts and calls me frequently.

  100.Is prepared to be ‘in a relationship’ with me on every social networking site he is on.

  101.Does not have hairy fingers, like Syzmon’s Uncle Luka.

  102.Will give me his jacket if I am cold, even if I have a jacket on already.

  103.Will not complain about giving me piggy-backs on nights out where I choose to wear impossibly high heels.

  104.Will have a strong and load-bearing spine.

  105.Will not hate rats.

  106.Will not hate cats.

  107.Will not hate babies.

  108.Will understand that, while I love babies, I never want to have any and will one day get sterilised so I can be sure not to have any.

  109.Will not mind if I choose to live in separate but adjoining houses instead of in the same one.

  110.Will be a good cook.

  111.Will enjoy painting walls.

  112.Will enjoy cleaning windows.

  113.Will enjoy hoovering.

  114.Will enjoy ironing.

  115.If points 110-114 do not apply to him, he will do such a good job of convincing me that they do that I will never know.

  116.Will not be a liar, though.

  117.Will never hurt my feelings on purpose.

  118.If I break up with him, will take it with good grace and mildly continue fancying me until his dying breath.

  119.He will eventually have a good job and be able to support me until my millinery business takes off.

  120.If he marries me after my millinery business takes off, he will have no problem signing a pre-nup.

  121.He will want to live in a city when we are older.

  122.If we adopt a child, he will be OK with me naming it Lily if it is a girl.

  123.Will shave regularly.

  124.Will have clean fingernails.

  125.Will have clear skin that doesn’t burn or freckle in the sunshine.

  126.Will be supportive.

  127.Will know my mobile number off by heart.

  128.Will know my birthday and our anniversary and monthaversary dates off by heart.

  129.Will have a masculine name, like Syzmon.

  130.Will have the broad shoulders of a sexy Viking from Prim’s mum’s dirty books.

  131.Will not have the raping and pillaging nature of a sexy Viking from Prim’s mum’s dirty books. Especially not the first part.

  132.Will not have two first names or a double-barrelled last name.

  133.Will be kind to his mother.

  134.Will not be more influenced by his mother than he is by me.

  135.Will get on well with his father.

  136.Will wear ties that match my dresses when we go to formal occasions.

  137.Will be instrumental in getting his cute friends to take my single friends to the debs, grads, socials and any other formal event that we attend, thereby increasing the amount of fun we will have at these events.

  138.Will come to art galleries with me.

  139.Will understand that I cannot do housework or engage in physical activities while my nails are drying.

  140.Will understand that I am precious about my now mid-length hair, seeing as how it was short/eaten for so long.

  141.Will smell like freshly cut grass sometimes.

  142.Will know how I take my tea: no sugar, quite weak, with three small drops of milk.

  143.Will know what stuff I do not like to eat: mushrooms, asparagus, raisins. Will make sure that I am never served foods containing the above items in his home.

  144.Will not be a bigot.

  145.Will not be one of those boys who is not homophobic in theory but acts weird and uncomfortable around Joel.

  146.Will not act weird around Ella because she has Asperger’s. Is allowed to act weird around her because he is impressed by her cleverness.

 
147.Will not act weird around Prim because of her mum being dead. Is allowed to act weird around her because he is sometimes intimidated by her.

  148.Will support me if I choose to become an emancipated minor because of how weirdly pushy my family are being about Grandma Lily’s will.

  149.Will support me no matter what.

  150.Will not support me if I start eating my own hair again. Will intervene to save me from myself.

  151.Will not tell my mother if I start eating my own hair again. Will not allow me to show weakness in front of her.

  152.Will not be anyone Prim has a crush on.

  153.Will not be anyone Ella has a crush on.

  154.Will not be related to Brian McAllister.

  155.Will not be related to me, even distantly.

  156.Will not be weird about me not taking communion since Grandma Lilly died.

  157.Will not be weird about me going to mass every Sunday since Grandma Lily died.

  158.Will be OK with me posting cute pictures of us together/him on Facebook.

  159.Will be proud of me.

  160.Will be someone I can be proud of.

  161.Will have a strong work ethic.

  162.Will also have a strong play ethic.

  163.Will travel with me.

  164.Will have a moderately sized nose.

  165.Will not squeeze his spots or pick his ears in public.

  166.Will not scratch or adjust himself (by which I mean his man-parts) in public.

  167.Will have a nice voice, deep and gentle.

  168.Will speak at least two languages.

  169.Will know how to behave in restaurants.

  170.Will not start fights with people.

  171.Will be strong enough that should a fight arise he will be able to finish it.

  172.Will know about plumbing.

  173.Will know about gardening.

  174.Will not expect me to learn about, or be interested in, plumbing or gardening.

  175.Will not undermine me.

  176.If I gain weight, will still stay with me.

  177.Will not become fat.

  178.Will not lose his hair.

  179.Will be decisive.

  180.Will not boss me around.

  181.Will be honest with me about clothing that does or does not suit me.

  182.Will think I look lovely, no matter what I wear.

  183.Will want to have my babies a little bit, even though I won’t want his.

  184.Will have a lithe, muscular frame like a sexy vampire who goes back to secondary school in order to find his soul-mate.

  185.Will consider me his soul-mate.

  186.Will complete me.

  187.Will have a car when we are a bit older.

  188.Will give me lifts to things, even if he isn’t going to those things himself.

  189.Will be quite deep, but not in a way that makes me feel shallow or stupid.

  190.Will require my input for every important decision he makes.

  191.Will be his own man.

  192.Will be the strong silent type.

  193.Will not be too quiet.

  194.Will never have a goatee.

  195.Will never have a tongue piercing.

  196.Will never have a nipple or downstairs piercing.

  197.Will never have a nose piercing.

  198.Will not have a tattoo, unless it is a really beautiful one.

  199.Will have enough confidence to model my man-hats in pictures for my portfolio.

  200.Will not be a transvestite.

  201.Will be the type of man who can pull off nail varnish and eyeliner.

  202.Will not be the type of man who wears nail varnish and eyeliner all the time, though.

  203.Will sit with me at parties when I am in one of my afraid-of-people moods.

  204.Will look damn good in a tuxedo.

  205.Will never drink and drive.

  206.Will never, ever wear just a T-shirt and nothing else, like a freak.

  207.Will sometimes wear well-fitting boxers and nothing else, like a man in a coffee ad.

  208.Will be able to brew good coffee.

  209.Will have jobs in cool shops and bars while we are in college.

  210.Will accept that I am moving to London to be a milliner, so our relationship will have to be either long distance or over unless he moves with me.

  211.Will be accepting of all different types of people and their beliefs.

  212.Will not make fun of old women.

  213.Will not talk down to me.

  214.Will know stuff about cars.

  215.Will be good at lifting things.

  216.Will not lift things to excess, like a gross veiny body-builder.

  217.Will have friends that gel well with my friends.

  218.Will not have too many ex-girlfriends.

  219.Will probably have to have some ex-girlfriends, though, because it adds an aura of desirability.

  220.Will not wear an excess of hair product.

  221.Will be open to a lot of gentle guidance as to what sort of clothing does and does not suit him.

  222.Will enjoy listening to me sing as I go about the house doing bits and pieces.

  223.Will not make fun of people to make himself feel more normal.

  224.Will appreciate that we are all a little odd and that this is a beautiful thing.

  225.Will have basic first-aid skills.

  226.Will be confident and broad-shouldered.

  227.Will not resemble a confident, broad-shouldered politician but rather a hot actor or musician or something.

  228.Will think that I have ‘fine eyes’.

  229.Will watch soap operas with me and listen patiently as I explain the inter-connectedness of the characters’ lives, and by extension humanity itself.

  230.Will not tell Prim about the High School Musical watching that will probably happen.

  231.Will take charge of a situation if needs be, but not in a bossy way.

  232.Will never grow a beard with no moustache because that is creepy.

  233.Will change his clothing and socks on an extremely regular basis.

  234.Will be somebody I am in love with.

  HELLO, this is the portion of the book where I get to talk to you directly for the purposes of thanking. Thanks to all the people who read and liked the first two, particularly the artist who managed to sneak a letter into my mum’s handbag at my book launch. It makes me shine with happiness when people like Prim.

  Someone who has always liked Prim is the wonderful Siobhán Parkinson, lady-boss of Islands and of words. I’m very grateful Siobhán, thanks a million.

  At Siobhán’s side, there used to be the magnificent Elaina O’Neill, but then she got another job and another name. Elaina Ryan, in the words of a hatless bear, ‘Thank you anyway’ for supportiveness and prim-thusiasm.

  Gráinne Clear, thank you for helping this book be a book, I’m happy you get to work on the Little Island now. You’re my prez always.

  Fidelma Slattery, a woman of many talents who makes Prim’s venting easy on the eye in an artful and creative manner.

  Diarmuid O’Brien. You are my favourite human being. Thanks for listening and being there and having shoulders. ‘No one is’ is a lie.

  Mary and Tim Sullivan, ye raised me. Well done there. Thanks for teaching me kindness and strength by example. I’ll keep learning.

  Alacoque Sullivan, dancer, artist and seasoned traveller. I love you, Nana.

  Writing buddies make the world a better place: Sarah Maria Griffin and Dave Rudden, ye are the bosses of everything. I like working in COMPLETE SILENCE with ye.

  Graham Tugwell, Claire Hennessy and Sheena Wilkinson for being marvellous at vent-listening and plot hashing.

  To Ciara Banks and Suzanne Keaveney for being crazy supportive and marvellous.

  To Donnacha O’Brien, for the shelves and promotional work. Go Go Team Danger!!

  To Sinéad O’Brien for being a magnificent player and all round good friend.


  And finally, to Joshua for teaching me that words do not equal communication, nor should they. To Neil for having fantastic taste in music and constantly trying his best, even when the world is very noisy. To Emma, who is great at writing letters and being kind to small and fragile things. To Josh, who taught me that everything is better if you are also singing. To Grace, for making old words new with her beautiful voice. And to Daniel for lighting up the room.