A Deeper Blue

by S. E. Harmon

  Food was my first order of business. I quickly ordered room service, which allowed me to get to the second item on my list—calling Kelly. I held the phone up with my shoulder and listened to the rings as I kicked off my shoes. I redialed a couple times as I undressed, but even by the time I was finished and stood in the middle of the room, butt naked, he still hadn’t answered. I hit the End button a few seconds after the “Hi, this is Dr. Cannon” message started.

  I stared at the phone for a second and wondered how a few missed calls could make me feel so insecure. I’d been in relationships before—brief, but relationships nonetheless—and I never wanted to get in my car and drive an hour and fifteen minutes just to peer in someone’s windows and see what that person was doing.

  But that was then, and I guess this was now. I was thinking about Connor… and Graham, some goody-two-shoes veterinarian Kelly had gone out with some time ago, and Tomas, a cute—albeit attitudinal—bartender he’d brought home once, and Robert, whose proposal Kelly had accepted and rejected all in one night.

  Actually Robert was probably on a different list—a list of people who wanted Kelly dead. When I asked him about Robert later, Kelly reassured me that their relationship had been over long before he broke it off. In fact, if it weren’t for the “bedroom stuff,” they probably wouldn’t have lasted as long as they did.

  How comforting.

  I blew out a breath. I had to have some faith in our relationship and trust that he loved me as much as I loved him. Besides, Kelly had never been all that reliable at answering phone calls. Why should that change just because we were in a relationship? I ignored the fact that I knew a perfect place to hide in Kelly’s front hedges that would give me a great vantage point to his front windows, and I headed for the bathroom.

  The tub-shower combo was a little too small, and the shower curtain was flimsy, but after the day I had, it seemed like the height of luxury. Despite what Coach Young thought, training camp was no Camp Cupcake. I might not be as bruised as I usually was after a game, but the aches and pains were all too real.

  I sniffed at the bottle of hotel body wash. It wasn’t fruity like I feared, and it smelled strongly of aloe, so I went ahead and took my time lathering up. It was my second shower of the night. In the locker room, I had a quick cold shower, pretending the turf scrapes up and down my right and left sides didn’t burn like a motherfucker. In private at the hotel, I was free to shower like a prima donna and use eucalyptus and aloe body wash and a honeycomb loofah.

  Yes. A loofah.

  I closed my eyes, braced my hands on the tiled wall, and let the water flow over my head. The heat soothed my battered muscles like an actual massage. It wasn’t quite as good as Kelly’s hands, but it would have to do. Kelly would take some thick-lathering scented soap and use those deceptively slender hands to rub it on every available surface of skin—every surface.

  I could almost feel his hands ghost over my body, down my back and over my butt to slide down my thighs and legs. He liked to take his sweet slow-ass time to get to the parts I liked the most. Every time I tried to rush him, he only started all over again. By the time he finally turned me around, I didn’t know whether I wanted to kill him or agree to be his sex slave for all eternity.

  He would usually give me a look then, and his playful quicksilver eyes showed he knew exactly what he did to me. The last time he did that, I slid a hand in his hair, gripped tightly, and pulled him to his feet. A few seconds later, he was the one with his hands on the wall as I pounded into him from behind.

  Just like that, spurred on by memory alone, I was rock hard. So I took my dick in hand and stroked with hard, short pulls. I hid my face in my elbow as I worked—faster, harder. No matter how hard I gripped, fucking my fist was nowhere near the slick, tight pull of Kelly’s ass, and images of Kelly as he pushed back on my dick and begged me to fuck him harder helped push me over the edge. I came with a soft cry and painted the shower tile with streaks of come that were washed away almost as quickly as they appeared. Tremors ran through my body and left me shaking like a leaf in a riotous wind.

  I leaned against the smooth, tiled wall and shuddered every now and again as water poured over my shoulders. I knew I should get out, but I wasn’t all that confident I could hold myself up on my own.

  Eventually hunger forced me out, and I dried off with a fluffy white towel. I put on some boxers and a hotel robe and sighed with satisfaction. Nothing like Hugh Heffnering it around a hotel room. I used the remote to click on the flat screen and put it on mute as I passed, already feeling much better.

  I checked the time, and my jaw nearly fell open. Ten thirty? Could that be right?

  I suddenly realized I was in for the night, showered and ready for bed a good half hour before curfew. Fuck, I was old, and this old geezer had no regrets. In fact, the only thing I felt right then was grateful I didn’t have a roommate. Some of the younger guys snuck in whatever they wanted—booze, girls, drugs, and the like. Whatever you wanted, you could get.

  The only thing I wanted was food and for room service to hurry the fuck up. All my activity had burned through my day’s calories like wildfire. Almost as though I’d summoned it by just thinking about it, there was a knock on the door.

  “Coming,” I called, but I didn’t hurry. Heffner didn’t trot. He strolled.

  When I pulled it open, I was surprised to find a woman in front of a roll cart with a silver cloche. She waggled her fingers. “Surprise.”

  It took a few seconds for my brain to process what I was seeing. “Carly.” I looked at her vacantly for a second.

  “Thought you could use some company.” She smiled slyly. “Are you surprised?”

  “You could say that,” I croaked.

  I stared at her for a few moments, pretty much at a loss for words. Yes, we’d dated a couple years back, but our relationship had been strictly platonic since then. This visit didn’t feel platonic. Besides, she knew about Kelly. What exactly was she hoping for?

  Kelly. My heart stuttered a bit. Despite the fact that I didn’t do anything wrong, I could just imagine what he’d think. Guilt made my next words sharper than I intended. “What’re you doing here?”

  “I saw your room service guy in the hallway, and I told him I’d do him a favor.” She pushed out her bottom lip a little. “Aren’t you happy to see me?”

  “Of course,” I said automatically. It just seemed like the right thing to say. Much nicer than “I thought you understood our fake date was exactly that—fake.”

  She stepped forward, an apex predator in a wrap dress and black stilettos, and I stepped back. She stepped forward again, and I stepped back. It was as though we were doing some strange alternative version of the waltz.

  “Blue.” She stuck her hand on her hip. “What the hell is going on?”

  “You tell me,” I blurted. “I thought we were on the same page.”

  “Oh, for God’s sake.” She tossed a cloud of blonde hair over her shoulder. “I’ve gone along with this gay stuff long enough. You can’t actually be serious.”

  “I’m bisexual, actually,” I hissed back. “We talked about this.”

  “Do you understand how many guys would kill to be in your shoes right now?”

  I fought a smile. There was the real Carly, right on time. “I have an idea.”

  “So what? You don’t want me anymore?”

  Want her? Her words echoed in my mind, and I briefly wondered how freeing it would be to tell her yes. How much easier it was to be the Blue I used to be, the Blue who had sex with women and only women. She was still hot, and I could appreciate that, but what I had with Kelly was more than just sex. Even if I were still the Blue who only slept with women, I wouldn’t be able to be with her. I needed something she couldn’t give.

  The irony of the situation didn’t escape me. She was the one I paraded about on my arm, to the point she apparently thought we were an item again. And Kelly? The guy who was special beyond belief? I hid him away in the
proverbial closet.

  I rubbed a hand over my still-damp hair. I didn’t deserve him. It would serve me right if he were with someone else.

  “Carly, I’ve always been honest with you. I told you I’m with….” I stuttered and stopped, and I couldn’t get out his name. Not like that. I felt like scum as I cleared my throat and started again. “You know I’m with someone else.”

  “I thought you’d be over that by now.”

  “I guess you thought wrong.” I marched past her and yanked open the door. I held it open wide. When she didn’t move and just looked at me in disbelief, I gestured toward the hallway. “Do you need runway lights, or are you good?”

  She narrowed her eyes into tiny slits. “You know what? Secrets don’t last forever, Blue.”

  “Are you threatening me?”

  “I wouldn’t waste my time. And I certainly don’t want to publicize that any boyfriend of mine likes taking it up the—”

  “Get the fuck out,” I thundered.

  “With pleasure.” She stormed past me so fast I almost choked on the perfumed breeze. “You weren’t that good in bed anyway.”

  Her last parting shot really made me feel better about slamming the door in her face.

  At least she brought up my dinner before she pissed me off. As I wheeled the cart over to the table by the window, I made a mental note to give room service a piece of my mind about letting someone other than hotel staff handle my food. I sat in a plush studded chair and uncovered my dinner—a heap of grilled chicken breast, broccoli, and quinoa.

  I wanted steak and a buttered potato. Maybe some of Kelly’s mom’s pie. But I sighed, dug in, and ate quietly in front of the muted TV.

  When I finished, I checked the peephole so long and thoroughly it left a circle-shaped mark around my eye. Only when I was sure the coast was clear did I push the room service cart back into the hallway.

  I brushed my teeth, flicked off the lights, ditched the robe, and got into bed. By the time I’d stretched out on the cream duvet, hands interlocked on my head, my phone rang. Fucking finally.

  I glanced over at the screen. The screen flashed with Kelly’s face—the picture of him I took on vacation one year, somewhere on Lake Tahoe, I think. He had on a backward ball cap, and the sun beat down on his reddened shoulders. He really didn’t tan all that well. He was sticking out his tongue because I told him he looked like a lobster who really liked the Mets. Even with my mood a little dark, it made me smile.

  I swiped a finger across the screen. “Hey.”

  “Wow. You sound like you’ve seen the end of the world.”

  “I have,” I said grimly. “There’s a woman named Carly there. She has a cloud of blonde hair and wears a lot of Gucci’s Guilty perfume.”

  “Oh.”

  There was a lot of meaning behind that “oh” as he paused. I could tell that he wanted to ask but he wasn’t going to, so I cleared it up immediately. “I sent her away,” I said.

  “Oh. Okay. That’s good.” He cleared his throat. “Whatever’s right for you.”

  I grinned. I let him flounder for another moment or two and then offered a lifeline. “Kelly?”

  “Yes?”

  “Is this you playing it cool?”

  “Yes.” He sighed. “How am I doing?”

  “Awful.”

  He chuckled. “Can we talk about something else, please?”

  “Well, practice sucked, and I’m pretty sure I broke some parts of me that I’ll need in the future. Your turn.”

  “Was it really that bad?”

  “Same old, same old, really. And nothing I want to rehash.” I stretched hard enough to make my shoulders hurt, and I winced. Then I relaxed back against the bed. “How’s your speech coming along?”

  “I made some good progress. Then I reread it and thought it sounded like garbage and erased it all.”

  “I hope you saved both versions. Tomorrow you’ll reread it, and it’ll seem fine.”

  He made an amused sound. “You know me well.”

  “That I do.” I leaned forward just enough to stuff another pillow behind my back and then settled against the pillow mountain. “You want to read it to me so far?”

  He paused. “My speech?”

  “Yeah.”

  “The speech on nuclear physics applications and applied technology?”

  “Yes, Kelly. The speech that you’re working on, the speech that’s important to you, so it’s important to me?”

  “The speech that you nearly fell asleep on twice, once while you were actually driving?”

  “I did not,” I said indignantly.

  “You nearly drove us into a guardrail.”

  “The keyword here being nearly. I jerked the wheel back in time, didn’t I?”

  “Only because I yelled and hit your arm.”

  “I saved us despite being assaulted verbally and physically while driving. You should be thanking me.”

  “Thank you, Blue,” he said, his tone a little amused. “Thank you for nearly driving us off the road and managing to save us two seconds before a quick, fiery death off a bridge.”

  “You are most welcome. Now about your speech.”

  “No.”

  “I’d really like to hear it.”

  Another pregnant pause filled the air. “Do you guys not have cable or something?”

  “Kelly.”

  “Okay, okay. Just make sure you’re lying on a flat surface. Hang on, let me pull up the file.”

  I yawned. “It’s almost like you’re going to be telling me a bedtime story—a really complicated, brainy bedtime story.” I yawned again but tried to keep it quiet.

  “Seriously? I haven’t even started. So glad to know that just the thought of my speech is a natural sleep aid.”

  “Okay, I’m just going to admit right now that I’m probably going to fall asleep. But it’s not because you’re not interesting. I’m just wiped out.”

  “I don’t have to read it, you know. We’ll talk tomorrow when you’re feeling—”

  “Don’t go yet,” I blurted, and he waited in surprised silence. “I just want to… just want to hear you….”

  “I got you, baby.” His laugh was soft and understanding, and I knew I didn’t have to explain any further. “You ready to be enthralled?”

  “Ready, chief,” I murmured. “Fascinate me.”

  “Ladies and gentlemen. On behalf of the esteemed American Society of Physics, it is my honor to welcome you to the twenty-first International Physics Divisional Conference.” He paused. “I think I’m going to thank the chair here.”

  “Maybe you should thank the entire board. You could even introduce them by name.” I fluffed up my pillows some more and burrowed into them. “People love that kind of shit.”

  “I like it.” He was quiet for a few minutes, and all I could hear was the chatter of his keyboard.

  I loved it when he took my suggestions. I’d always considered myself a pretty smart guy, but it was no secret that Kelly and I were pretty far apart intellectually. But he never made me feel inferior, like some big, dumb athlete, and he always valued my opinion.

  “Okay, listen to this,” he said after a minute. “I’d like to take this opportunity to thank the board of directors for spearheading this conference and choosing me as the keynote speaker.” I heard more typing as he paused. “Just picture me introducing them right now. I’ll have to fill in their names and titles later.”

  “Got it.” I yawned so widely my jaw popped a little.

  He chuckled softly. “Close your eyes and listen.”

  “Mm-hmm.”

  He made a soft sound of approval and started. “This conference has historically been devoted to the discussion and furthering of experimental and theoretical achievements in the field of physics applications, as well as detailing the latest developments in technological tools related to applied physics research.”

  I lay there in the semidarkness, eyes closed, feeling relaxed as I listened to his soot
hing, familiar voice. He rambled on, using terms I could only vaguely define and concepts it would take years of intense study to understand. Five minutes in and I was lost as fuck, but I was sure his brainy colleagues would eat it up with a spoon.

  When he finally finished, somewhere around the dawn of nuclear science in modern society, he earnestly asked me what I thought so far. I smiled into my pillows. “I didn’t understand a word past ‘ladies and gentlemen,’ but I really like it.”

  “I guess I should say thanks?”

  I yawned again, and that one brought tears to my eyes. “’Welcome.”

  “Get some rest.”

  “I will. Good night, Kel. Thanks for the brainy bedtime story.”

  He laughed. “Anytime, Blue. Anytime.”

  CHAPTER 6

  Blue

  I OVERSLEPT a bit the next morning, which meant I didn’t have time to get dressed before our ritual team breakfast. I thought briefly about skipping it, but just the thought of Coach’s sour face directed at me all damn day had me up and out of bed. I didn’t bother to change out of my sleep gear—red-and-blue-checked flannels and a white stretched-out T-shirt. I stuck my sock-clad feet in some Nike sandals and headed for the elevator.

  I got a little ribbing for my apparel and the severe case of bedhead I hadn’t bothered to tame, but the guys had bigger fish to fry. I filled my plate and plopped down in a chair next to Warner to eat and enjoy the show.

  As a team we prided ourselves on being a fair organization. From day one we welcomed our new brothers on the field and let them know they were part of the family. That being said, a little friendly hazing was definitely part of our welcome basket. That included making the fresh meat entertain the room while we enjoyed breakfast. By the time Warner and I left the dining room, the rookie from Arizona State was on a table, singing some catchy pop tune.