Life In Reverse

by Beth Michele

  “Okay, honey. Enjoy.” I’m on my way to the side door when he calls my name. I pause with my hand on the knob, darting a glance over my shoulder.

  “Yeah?”

  The wrinkle in his cheek deepens. “I love you.”

  “I love you too, Dad.”

  Inside the house, I don’t waste any time. I drop my purse on the kitchen table and open the basement door, taking the stairs down two at a time. The automatic sensor for the lights kicks on as my foot hits the last step.

  And then I breathe.

  This is my sanctuary. This is where I create. And this is where I escape. I love this space. Many years ago, my dad had the basement finished as a hangout spot for our family and friends. The room is warmed by soft track lighting overhead and plush carpeting below, and divided into two sections. One side boasts a generous L-shaped chocolate brown sofa with pillows in various patterns—matching of course. Pressed cushions where we spent hours lying about listening to music or watching movies. The distressed coffee table in the center holds evidence of spilled drinks and shoe scuffs, the warm tan walls memories of laughter and whispered conversation. Avery’s weathered mustard-yellow beanbag chair still sits propped in the corner. It messes up Mom’s design scheme but Avery refused to part with it. I think she does it on purpose.

  My favorite area though, is the one on the opposite side. A long, rectangular table sits in front of a window looking out at the backyard. To the right of my work area are six shelves Dad built for me, lined with sculptures. A metal closet with sliding doors stands beside them and houses all of my clay—my lifeline. Some people do yoga. Some exercise. This is what I do. It’s the only thing that frees me.

  I cross to the cabinet and secure a hunk of clay, setting it on the table before swiping the remote for the CD player. The one built into the wall—again, courtesy of Dad. Pressing play, Aerosmith’s “Dream On” fills the room, as does Zack lip-syncing it over a hundred times with his fake microphone and lopsided smile. That chestnut brown hair, same as mine, gelled up as he pretended to be some sort of rock God.

  I’m glad I have these memories. As much as it hurts sometimes, it’s the one thing that still allows me to hold onto pieces of him—to bring him back whenever I want to—even if it’s only in my head.

  My body won’t let me sit. Too much energy flows through my veins. Electricity buzzes its way around my insides, zapping me every time a thought takes shape.

  I lean over the table and my fingers curl into the smooth clay, cool to the touch. As I sink my nails deep, I exhale, my feelings already beginning to leave their imprint. Somehow as I pinch and poke this incredible substance, it silences me, allowing me to exist in another world—one where my brother is still by my side.

  My fingers continue to find purchase, molding and shaping, and the piece begins to take form. The music is everywhere and it overwhelms me, pounding in my ears, but still unable to block out the intensity of my own heartbeat.

  Both hands start to shake. Grief comes out of nowhere and tramples my cheeks. I close my eyes, my vision too blurry to enable me to see. Pretty soon, the tremble in my hands won’t allow me to sculpt. I collapse onto the chair, putting my head down between my folded arms.

  “Em?”

  A hand on my shoulder makes me lift my head, but not before I pat my cheeks and not so gracefully wipe my runny nose.

  “Oh, Em.” Avery pulls up a seat beside me and draws me in for a hug. She strokes her hand up and down my back, whispering calming words that get lost amidst the noise in my brain.

  A few minutes pass before she lets me go but gathers both my hands in hers. Her eyes radiate her love for me and some of her own grief.

  “I miss him so much. I can hardly stand it sometimes.” My breath gives way to a tiny hiccup. “I want him to mess up my hair in the morning again, or hear him singing at the top of his lungs in the shower. I….” Salt trails over my mouth and I lick the corner of my lips. “I want to look out the window and see him and Dad playing basketball together.”

  “I know, Em. I miss him, too.” She tucks a wayward strand of hair behind my ear. “I also know it’s been harder for you because you guys were so close, while he and I… well, we just weren’t. I don’t know, we always seemed to rub each other the wrong way. Plus, I…,” she stares down at the floor, “I wanted that with you. That connection the two of you had.” Her gaze climbs to mine. “There were times when I felt like an outsider, when all I wanted was to be on the inside. But… I did love him. I really did.” She tries to shrug it off, as always, but I won’t have it.

  “Oh, Avery. I wish you had told me sooner. And I’m sorry you felt that way. But you have to know he loved you, very much.” I put all my energy into a smile that I hope will comfort her. “And I love you very much.”

  She nods her head. That rare display of emotion fading away with her stoic expression, and I find it difficult to say anything else. She gestures with her chin toward my slab of clay. “What was that going to be?”

  I lift my shoulders in a shrug. “I have no idea. I’ve lost my mojo.”

  A mischievous sparkle lights her eyes. “I know a way you can get it back. Let’s do some baking. We’ll go shopping and get some ice cream and ingredients to make chocolate chip cookies. Dad is taking Mom out for a while so it’ll just be us for dinner anyway.”

  “Because she had a hard day.” I sigh. “I’m worried about her, Ave. She’s still so upset and I know she tries to keep herself busy to get through it.” I tug at the corner of my lip. “You know how difficult graduation was for her, and now this. Do you think we should wait longer before we move to New York? I don’t know.” I let out another anxious breath. “Maybe we can suggest she start going to her group again?”

  “I hear what you’re saying, Em. I do. But….” She places her hand on top of mine, attempting to reassure me with a soft smile. “I don’t think us staying longer is going to help her. We’ve done that and I think for all of our sakes we need to go. She’ll find her way just like we need to find ours.” I nod, though her words don’t comfort me. She bobs her head from side to side and perks up. “So whaddya say? Shall we shop? Actually, let me rephrase that.” Pushing her chair back, she pulls me to my feet. “I’m not giving you a choice. We’re going.”

  I heave out my exhaustion with another sigh. “I’m kind of tired, Ave.”

  “No rest for the wicked.” Avery tugs on my arm giving me no choice but to follow her. Especially when she adds, “I’ll throw in a box of Bubble Gum Cigarettes if you don’t fight me.”

  She doesn’t play fair.

  JULIAN PUSHES THE cart down the aisle as I toss in random shit—Cocoa Puffs, Lucky Charms, microwaveable brownies. From the way he glares at me, apparently he’s met his limit. “No, no, and no. He reaches in and pulls out the brownies and the Lucky Charms. “Microwaveable brownies, Vance? Seriously? And Lucky Charms? All sugar.”

  “And the problem is?”

  “I’m not eating that crap. That’s the problem.” He turns around and grabs a box of Special K cereal from the shelf.

  “And I’m not eating that crap.” I brush past him to nab a box of Frosted Flakes. Holding it up with my brightest smile, I ask him. “Better?”

  Julian chuckles, but it’s nothing short of sarcastic. “Whatever, Vance. How about you go grab some olive oil so I can sauté some chicken tonight?”

  My jaw tightens and I pop the knuckles on my fist. “Where’s Dad? Did he go see… Mom?”

  “No.” He throws three boxes of plain corn flakes into the cart and I cringe. “Dad’s got a lot on his plate right now with the promotion. He has to work late this week.”

  “Of course he does,” I mumble as I stalk off.

  After searching three aisles for olive oil and still coming up short, I’m about to ask a store clerk for help when I spot Ember and Avery heading toward me. Avery sees me first and gives me a small wave coupled with a huge smile. Ember’s attention is elsewhere.

  “Hey, Vance. F
ancy meeting you here.”

  Ember glances up when her sister speaks. Her eyes are red-rimmed, cheeks puffy. She doesn’t look like herself and something about that doesn’t sit right with me. Strangely, I don’t like seeing her sad.

  “What’s up?” I’m staring at Ember when I ask the question, but her posture is slumped and she won’t make eye contact with me. Internally, I’m chastising myself. I don’t typically want people noticing me, but right now all I want is for her to give me the time of day.

  “Not much.” My attention goes back to Avery when she responds, “We’re just picking up some things for dinner.” She angles her head, staring down the aisle. “Be right back. I need to find the basil.” Avery walks away and Ember finally gives me her eyes. And, fuck, there is so much sorrow in them. It hits me square in the chest. I’ve seen that same look in my mother’s eyes and it shatters me. I want to do anything to make it disappear.

  I hold up my hands, trying to lighten the moment. “I know what you’re thinking. But I swear I’m not stalking you.”

  Her words are empty as is her expression. “I wasn’t thinking anything.” Then she stares off into space and I’ve lost her again.

  “Hey.” I bend down a smidge as she’s pretty tall, and try to catch her gaze. “You okay?” I realize how idiotic it sounds the moment the question leaves my mouth. It’s obvious she’s not even close to being okay.

  Her eyes climb to mine, lacking any of the spark I’m accustomed to in the few interactions we’ve had. “I’ve had better days.”

  I’m at a loss of how to respond. I’m used to people trying to pretend they’re fine. So while her honesty is refreshing, it throws me off and I say the first thing that pops into my head. “So, uh, I can do a pretty fucking amazing headstand, wanna see?”

  A puzzled expression crosses her face as if she doesn’t quite understand me. “What?”

  I shove my left hand in my pocket while my right fiddles with the hoop in my ear. “I don’t know, I… I’d do anything to see you smile right now.” She glares at me like another life force has taken over my body and I can’t say I blame her. I’ve been nothing short of hostile since we met. But then she surprises the hell out of me.

  “Okay. Let’s see it.”

  “Huh?”

  “The headstand.” Her face is stone cold serious and once again, I’m at a loss. Luckily, Julian and Avery appear and save me from acting like an idiot—having to do a fucking headstand in the middle of the grocery aisle.

  “Look who I found roaming the organic chicken section,” Avery teases, and Julian chuckles. He’s such a sucker for a pretty face it makes me laugh. “I offered up my expertise on free range chicken. So your dinner,” she backhands me playfully across the shoulder, “is not only going to be delicious, but very healthy.”

  Julian points to the Frosted Flakes on top of his healthy food pyramid with a snicker. “That’s not really an incentive for Vance.”

  “My brother’s quite the comedian,” I offer up, eyeballing Julian while having little effect.

  “Hey.” Julian snaps his fingers in front of my face. “Why don’t you both join us for dinner? Vance can vouch that I’m a pretty good cook and it’ll give us a chance to get to know each other.”

  “Maybe some other time.”

  “That sounds great.”

  Ember and Avery reply at the same time.

  Avery nudges Ember’s arm and whispers loud enough for me to hear. “Come on, Em. It’ll be good for you to get out.”

  I’m kind of hoping she says yes. But I certainly won’t voice that out loud. At least it would give me a chance to maybe cheer her up and find out why she’s so upset. Not that it’s any of my business, I remind myself.

  “Sure.” Ember finally speaks up with the lowest amount of enthusiasm to a dinner invitation I’ve ever heard. But my brother makes up for it tenfold.

  “Great!”

  Julian coerces Avery into helping him get the rest of the ingredients for dinner, and the four of us walk up and down the aisles for a good twenty minutes before we’re ready to check out. Periodically, I glance over at Ember, still stoic, looking around at everything yet nothing in particular. I feel the need to give her some sort of an out because this is obviously the last thing she wants to do tonight.

  I sidle up next to her and clear my throat. “So… if you’re not up for coming over it’s totally cool.”

  She turns her head in my direction, the red around her eyes beginning to fade. “No, it’s fine. I mean, all that excitement over free range chicken.” She shrugs her shoulders and I think I see a padded smile. “I kind of couldn’t pass it up.”

  “What the fuck is free range chicken anyway?” The answer to my question is a small giggle that bubbles up from her throat, and I catch myself laughing too. Laughter is as alien to me as civil conversation these days. But somehow I find myself doing both with this girl.

  WHEN I ENTER the kitchen, an array of vegetables is laid out on the cutting board and Julian stands at the sink filling a large pot with water. He places it on the stove and shoots me a grin over his shoulder. “So you were getting kind of chummy with Ember, huh?”

  I hop onto a stool at the center island, snagging a cookie from an open box. “Even your vegetables are organized. Do you realize you have them sectioned off by color?”

  “Do you realize you’re evading my question?” Julian reaches up to the cabinet beside the fridge and takes out a package of pasta. He tears it open then sets it on the counter.

  “Actually, I’m not.” I smirk before taking a bite of the cookie. “It’s just that I’m both fascinated and distracted by your mad skills.” After I finish chewing, I add, “For the record, she seemed upset and I just wanted to make sure she was okay.”

  He’s facing the sink and I can’t see his expression when he counters with “Hmph.”

  “What’s hmph?”

  He spins around, holding a red pepper in one hand and a sharp knife in the other. “Since when do you step outside of your little anger bubble to make sure anyone other than me or Mom is okay?”

  “Since….” I hear Jeopardy music playing in my head as I try to think of the answer to his question.

  “Exactly. Since never.” He waves the knife at me. “So this is a good thing. You’re making a friend.”

  “Next thing I know you’ll be filling my Scooby lunchbox with free range chicken.” My smug grin disappears behind another bite as the doorbell rings.

  “Hey, sue me. I worry about you, little brother.” He crosses the kitchen, lobbing a dishtowel at my face that I dodge quite effectively. While I’m not the sports-minded guy that Julian is, I did spend several years in martial arts. I have a black belt to show for it and can block a punch like it’s nobody’s business. This definitely came in handy when anyone was messing with us. More often than not, it was because some asswipe was making comments about Mom. Anger grazes my chest as I jump down from the stool. I take a minute to shake it off before making my way into the living room. I’m just in time to catch the tail end of Avery’s words.

  “Yeah, we did. We brought dessert again. It’s kind of our thing. Actually,” she hikes a thumb toward her sister, “Ember’s a bit better at it than I am, but who’s comparing?”

  “Excellent.” Julian holds his arm out to Avery and she links her elbow through his. “This way, lovely. I could use some help in the kitchen.” I wait for them to walk away then turn back to Ember.

  “Your brother is quite the charmer,” Ember remarks, and she looks so much better. Her green eyes are brighter and that frown has disappeared.

  “Yes, he is.” The sound of Avery’s laughter makes me glance toward the kitchen before returning to Ember. “He’s been known to attract a girl or two. Julian is….” I twist the hoop in my ear. “You won’t find a better person.”

  Ember studies my face, paying special attention to my eyes. It unsettles me and I clutch the back of my neck. “That’s really nice.”

  “Yeah,
well. Just don’t tell anyone.” I jerk my head toward the sofa. “Have a seat. Do you want a soda or something? I think we’ve also got lemonade.”

  “I’m good for now, thanks.” She plops down on the couch and I barge into the kitchen to grab a soda from the fridge. Avery is chopping vegetables next to Julian, her shoulders shaking so hard I’m afraid she’s going to lop a finger off.

  “You guys are a regular comedy show in here.” I twist the cap off the Coke, knocking the fridge door closed with my hip. “What gives?”

  Avery puts the knife down and uses her sleeve to wipe her eyes. “Julian was telling me about the time you guys went fishing. That you got so mad that nothing was biting, you dove into the water and tried to catch one by hand.”

  I glare at his back, loading daggers I’m prepared to shoot if he doesn’t keep his mouth shut. “Nice. Thanks for that bro. Just remember, payback’s a bitch.”

  “I’ve heard that,” he mumbles without turning to meet my wrath. “Just remember who’s feeding you,” he reminds me a bit louder this time.

  “What’s going on in there?” Ember questions as I take a seat across from her in Dad’s overpriced black leather chair.

  “Julian has decided to fill your sister in on my childhood.” I cross my legs at the ankles and balance the soda bottle in the center of my hand. “She must be easily amused.”

  A softness touches Ember’s cheeks and her mouth curves. “You have no idea. Last year we were at the novelty shop in town and she bought some of those Mad Libs we used to do when we were kids. Do you remember those?” And when I nod she continues. “I swear we were doing those things all night and she couldn’t stop laughing. And they had to be Star Wars Mad Libs. Her Han Solo infatuation knows no bounds.”

  “No shit?”

  “Yeah. It doesn’t take much, but that’s one of the things I love about her honestly. We kind of balance each other out that way. At times I can be a bit too serious and she helps me lighten things up.”