Life In Reverse

by Beth Michele

  “How long have you lived here?”

  “We moved here shortly after my mom passed away.” The waitress returns with our drinks and sets them on the table. Vance keeps talking and I shove a hand under my thigh, too fidgety now to sit still. I can’t believe we’ve been in the same city for two years. “Before that, I stayed with Chris because I was short on money. But with Chris’s dad’s help, we took the plunge and started a technology consulting business.”

  “I guess all that tinkering paid off, huh?”

  His mouth curves into a genuine smile and my chest inflates. “Yeah. It’s actually going really well. It was slow at first and we had our doubts, but we’ve built up repeat clients and are getting new ones via word of mouth. What about you?”

  “Me?” I roll a finger over the condensation building on the glass. “I’m two classes short of getting my Master of Arts Degree at Parson’s, and I also work as the Office Manager for The Dubois Gallery in Midtown. Mostly doing administrative stuff, but I love it.”

  “So you went for it, after all. That’s awesome.” Genuine excitement for me fills his eyes. A sign that maybe he still cares. My heart does a tiny skip but my brain shuts it down.

  “I’m getting there.” A nonchalant smile covers my exhilaration as his gaze wanders over me.

  “You wear dresses now.” The way he says it sounds off. I can’t figure out if I hear disapproval or something else.

  I shrug and take a swig of water before placing it down. “Sometimes.”

  He scratches the light coating of stubble on his chin, and I try not to recall the way it felt scraping against my bare skin. “I thought you didn’t like them.”

  “I don’t, really,” I admit, shrugging again. “But I need to look nice for work. Plus, I just wanted to be different.”

  “Why?” He delves, his focused gaze holding me hostage and making me squirm in the seat. “There was nothing wrong with the way you were before. You were beautiful then, and you’re even more beautiful now. The dress can’t change that,” he adds, and my head buzzes in time with my heart. “I actually preferred the t-shirts.”

  My cheeks tingle with warmth and I clear my throat. “I need… to get going now.” I slide out of the booth to stand up, but his hand finds my wrist. That simple brush of fingers against skin is too much. This time I back away, pulling out of his grasp. Air—I need air. “I really have to go, Vance,” I emphasize with urgency and head toward any door that will lead me out of here.

  “Ember, wait,” he shouts, drawing the attention of other customers in the diner. I stop with my back to him, breath bursting in and out of my chest. I don’t know if I can do this. My gaze drifts to the ceiling for strength before turning around. What I don’t expect is for Vance to be standing there, and I nearly bump into his chest. He looks down at me, his blue eyes agonizing and true.

  “Listen. I know I fucked up… and I know I can’t turn back time. But… maybe we can be friends. I’m not going to lie. I want you in my life and I’ll do anything to make it right.” He chews on the corner of his lip then lets it go. “I also have a confession to make. I saw you at Blue Monday a while back. Chris and I, and a couple of guys play there twice a week. You were with someone.” He glances down at my ring finger then back up to me. “Are you in love with him?”

  “I think it’s my question,” I counter. “That was months ago.” I shake my head, disbelieving. “How come you didn’t approach me?”

  His shoulders lift and fall on a heavy sigh. “For the same reason you didn’t come up to me a few years ago. I didn’t think you’d want to see me. Not to mention, you weren’t alone.” His eyes zero in on mine again. “So are you… in love with him?”

  Not enough space exists for me to take a breath without inhaling every inch of him. I feel like a balloon about to pop. “Vance… I need to go.”

  “Okay.” He lowers his head, hands sliding into the pockets of his jeans. “Can I… call you sometime? Maybe we can hang out or something?”

  Exhaustion wears me down and I let out a halfhearted response. “Maybe.”

  “Maybe, I’ll take.” More words start to form on his lips but then he seems to change his mind. His eyes dart to a spot past my shoulder. “Can I walk you somewhere?”

  I hike my purse higher on my arm. “No, I’m good. Thanks.” Awkwardness eats up the moment and I fill it. I don’t know what else to do. “I’ll see ya, okay.”

  “Yeah,” he whispers now. “See ya.”

  Only a few steps away, I pause. Then I turn around and walk back to where Vance is still standing. Unable to look at him, I stare at his chest. “It really hurt me when you left without a word. I thought… well, it doesn’t matter what I thought, because it’s in the past.” My gaze climbs to his face. “But… I can’t let you hurt me again.”

  “Ember, I’m—”

  “You don’t have to say anything,” I interject, and he nods in defeat. “I just needed you to know that.”

  I race out of the diner, not wanting to break down in front of Vance. But it starts anyway. A messy onslaught of tears forging a path down my skin. I can’t seem to control it. Nor can I control the way my heart beats out of my chest being anywhere near him. Unfortunately, I also can’t control the fear coiling tight around me until I’m dizzy with it, making my feelings take a back seat.

  Still, I don’t know what to do with all this emotion. I’m drowning in thoughts of Vance and me. Of what we had. Of what we could have. But the apprehension steps in and crushes that to little bits. And then there’s Grant. None of this is fair to him. I’ve tried so hard, and the reality is that Vance stepping back into my life, regardless of what happens between us, makes me realize that Grant is not my future.

  The only thing my future holds now, is a spoon and a half-gallon of ice cream—and I’m not sure even that can cure what ails me.

  I HATE THE number four. Four fucking days. Four fucking long nights filled with shitty sleep. An endless barrage of the pain on Ember’s face, the hurt in her eyes. It was like a living, breathing thing filling the space between us.

  The damage I inflicted has become a physical ache. It starts in the pit of my stomach and travels up through my chest. And yet, something else overpowers that. The way my heart grew too big for my insides when I laid eyes on her. How seeing her smile calmed me. It made me feel like myself again. I don’t know how she does that—how everything can be so dark and then she comes along and opens up the sky—as if it’s effortless.

  She is the most beautiful girl in this whole fucking city. Shit, in this world. And as much as she tried to keep me at bay, she also gave me a flicker of hope. It was there in the way she responded to my touch. It was in her gaze, the way her eyes roamed my face. I know, because I felt it too.

  “Rise and shine, c-cupcake.” Chris flings open the door, grinning a little too happy for my liking.

  “I’d have to have slept to rise.” I groan. “What’s going on?”

  “What’s going on,” he chuckles, “is that you promised a certain someone that you would take him to a toy store, and my mom just c-called and said he’s ready to collect.”

  I squint against the bright sunshine, rubbing the lack of sleep from my eyes. “Today?”

  “Yep. Today’s your lucky day. He doesn’t have preschool and you have the day off. What could be better than Riley and Toys ‘R’ Us? Besides, you have to do it s-soon anyway, because that Times Square store is closing.”

  I push myself up to a sitting position and glance around the room. “Actually,” I grin, “that sounds like a fantastic idea. Wanna come with?”

  He takes one look at my face and narrows his dark brown eyes. “What are you planning?”

  “Don’t worry about it.”

  “Yeah,” he huffs. “And why does that worry me?”

  I toss him a wink. “Hand me my cell, will ya?” Chris throws my phone on the bed and walks out of the room, his back shaking with silent laughter.

  With a quick swipe across
the screen, I unlock it and search for Ember in my contacts before typing her a message.

  Me: Hi

  Ember: Hi back

  I didn’t expect such a fast reply, but fuck if it doesn’t make me smile big.

  Me: Happy Sometime Day

  Ember: Huh?

  Me: Do you want to hang out with me and a friend today?

  Ember: Sounds mysterious

  I crack another smile.

  Me: I thought women liked mystery

  Ember: LOL. Don’t lump me into a category

  Me: You defy all categories

  No response. Maybe that was pushing it. My finger hovers over the keypad until a message pings.

  Ember: I have to work at the gallery today

  Me: Oh

  Since I didn’t plan for that, I take a second to plot my next move when she responds.

  Ember: But I’m done at 1:00

  Me: Okay. Can you meet me somewhere?

  Ember: Somewhere as in??

  Me: Times Square Toys R Us

  Ember: Um… Okay

  Me: See you there then?

  Ember: I can get there by 2:30. Want to run home and change

  Me: Okay. I’ll meet you right out front

  Ember: K

  Unable to tone down my grin, I drop the phone on the bed and lean back, lacing my hands behind my head. “Yo, Chris.”

  He shows up in my doorway, wet from a shower. “Yeah?”

  “You sure you don’t want to come with us? Ember is gonna be there and you can officially meet her.”

  “I knew you had s-something up your sleeve. And no,” he rubs the towel back and forth over his hair, “I don’t want to be in the middle of Toys ‘R’ Us with a million screaming kids. But good luck with that.”

  “Good point. Okay.” He disappears down the hall and I heave my tired legs over the edge of the bed. “Oh, hey Chris,” I yell out. “Does Guiseppe work on Fridays?”

  “I think so. Why?” He calls from his room.

  “I want to run down there and get my hair trimmed.” In two seconds he’s back, curiosity in his gaze. “Hey, my eyes are my best feature and I need to pull out the big guns.”

  “You w-want her back.” He smirks. A statement not a question, but I answer it anyway.

  “Fuck, yes.”

  He makes a noise in his throat as if he knew it all along. “You still love her.”

  My heart trips over itself thinking about how much. “Never stopped.”

  CHRIS WAS RIGHT. Times Square is fucking insane this time of day—music blaring, neon signs flickering, and little kids… everywhere. As we stand in front of Toys ‘R’ Us waiting for Ember, I watch wide-eyed Riley seek out his next target. I might as well have the word ‘sucker’ painted across my forehead as I pay for the fifth picture of him with someone else dressed up like a Disney character. This time Woody from Toy Story.

  “This is the last one, little guy,” I tell him, and he nods, eyes gleaming with excitement as he stares at all the costumes. I miss that element of being a kid, where the lines of fantasy and reality are blurred.

  “I can’t wait to show Chwissy evewyone I met today.” His face is alight with wonder and awe, making me happy I could do this for him. I’m also somewhat distracted, casually glancing at my watch every few minutes. Riley peers inside the store, getting restless as he swings my arm and spins on the sidewalk.

  “She’s gonna be here soon,” I mumble, more for my own benefit than his. When he knocks on the glass, I know a distraction is in order. “Okay, let’s do this buddy. Make a fist.” He doesn’t hesitate because this is our thing. He curls his tiny fingers into a ball and I do the same, then he presses his fist against mine. “Wonder twin powers activate, form of… operation get Ember back,” I whisper, and his cheeks puff up as he makes a fish face.

  “Opewation what?” he asks, at the same moment I glance up to see Ember walking toward us. Already, the corner of my lips kick up into a smile and I have to tell my heart to slow the fuck down. She looks amazing, wearing faded blue jeans that hug her hips and a tight black t-shirt that says Art is my Life. Familiar worn red Chucks sit on her feet, her hair gathered in a ponytail highlighting the sweet curve of her neck. Even Riley seems to notice when she finally reaches us, squinting up at me like a one-eyed pirate, his toothy smile glowing. He cups a hand sideways over his mouth. “She’s pwetty.”

  My eyes do a slow climb and fasten to hers, the sun making them appear greener in the light. “She is.” We stare at each other and I fall into this peaceful void, forgetting we’re in the middle of Times Square. She finally breaks our connection, something off in her smile.

  “Hi.” Her glance flickers between me and Riley, as if trying to figure out a puzzle. “You have a… son?” Shock renders me quiet, prompting her mouth to open again. “He’s… beautiful.”

  “Ember,” I start, wanting to set her straight immediately. “This is—”

  Riley doesn’t let me finish. He points a finger up at me, his smile crooked. Giggling, he tugs on my jeans. “This is Unca Vance.”

  “This is Chris’s little brother, Riley. Riley, this is my friend, Ember.”

  Ember exhales a muffled breath that seems a lot like relief to me. “Hi there, Riley.” She squats down until she’s eye level with him and extends her hand. He takes it with a bashful smile then lets it go. “It’s very nice to meet you.” She squeezes his nose and makes a honking sound, giving Riley another fit of the giggles. It is by far the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. She stands back up, her lips twisted into a grin. “So toys, huh?”

  “Yup.” I nod, motioning toward the store. “Thought it might be fun.”

  “You just secretly wanted to ride the Ferris wheel.” Her tone is light, and my chest loosens at her playfulness. Given the heaviness between us the other day, I wasn’t sure what to expect.

  I smile back, relieved. Playful I can handle. “You might be right.”

  Riley yanks on my hand. I’ve obviously made him wait long enough to enter utopia. He leads the way, pulling me along as the three of us weave through the craziness. Inside, my eyes bulge while my mouth hangs open. I glance down at Riley and his expression matches mine.

  “Holy shit!” Ember hits my arm and glares at me. “I mean shoot. Shoot, Riles. Look at all these toys.”

  “First time here?” she asks, and I can barely drag my eyes away from the giant minions. I’m as bad as Riley.

  “Uh, yeah. I would’ve loved to have had a store like this as a kid. We didn’t have anything like it where I grew up.”

  “We didn’t either.” She flashes me a grin, a twinkle in her eyes. “Avery and I went to FAO Schwartz before they closed. We danced on the big piano. It was a lot of fun.”

  “You danced on the piano?”

  “Don’t look so surprised.” She rocks on her feet. “Okay. Actually, it was more like Avery coerced me. But once I was on there, I was so glad she did.”

  “I want to wide the Fewwis wheeeeeeeel!” Riley’s squeaky voice cuts into our conversation. His head bobs from left to right, unable to take in everything all at once. Ember laughs, staring at the bright circle of color in front of us. “Can I get a toy, too, Unca?” He gazes up at me with those big blue eyes and I couldn’t refuse him anything. “Pwease?”

  “Of course, buddy.” I pat him on the head. “I already told you I’d buy you a superhero. And you can get something else, too. Anything you want.”

  Ember clears her throat, blatantly trying to get my attention. I turn and she leans close, her hair brushing my cheek. She smells just like I remember. “You might want to narrow that down,” she whispers. “There are some crazy expensive things here.”

  Her proximity and her scent makes me lose my train of thought. “Huh? Oh, right. Thanks.” I smile, then shift toward Riley. “Let’s see what you want first. Okay, buddy? Then I’ll see if we can get it.”

  “Okaaaaaaaay.” Riley hops over to Ember and bypasses me completely. I understand, because she has that
same effect on me. He tilts his head back as he watches the ride. “Embew, will you come on the Fewwis wheel with me?”

  “Of course I will.” Ember glances up at me, teasing in her eyes. “But I think Uncle Vance should come too. Don’t you?”

  “Yes,” he calls out, his excitement contagious as we both laugh. And fuck, it feels good to laugh with her again.

  We brave the long line and several impatient children to finally make it onto the ride. Riley picks The Toy Story car and insists he sit in the middle. Ember steps in first and we file in right behind her.

  “This is so fun!” Riley stomps his feet. “The best day evew!”

  I point a finger toward the second level of the store. “Look, Riley, there’s a big dinosaur over there.”

  “Oooooooooh, can we go see that next?” he asks, bouncing up and down in the seat.

  “You got it, buddy.” I ruffle his hair and Ember looks over at me. The sweetness of her smile makes warmth spark in my chest and spread to my limbs.

  The car surges upward, stopping every other minute or so to let people on. As we sit suspended in mid-air, the continual rocking motion brings on this weird dizziness. Blood rushes to my head and a loud buzzing noise fills my ears. As if I’m being sucked under by a giant wave, dark spots cloud my vision and I can’t seem to catch my breath. I vaguely hear Ember saying my name but she sounds far away. Caught in a fog, my pulse pounds too loud and I’m afraid I’m going to pass out when soft fingers wrap around mine.

  “Easy breaths, Vance.” Ember coaxes in a gentle voice. “Breathe in through your nose, out through your mouth. That’s it. In through your nose, out through your mouth.” As I follow her direction, my breathing begins to level out, my heartbeat slows. The sounds around me gradually register again and I blink, staring at our joined hands. She starts to pull away but I latch onto her fingers, leaning back against the car.