by CS Patra
“If they do, who cares? I love you, baby. I don’t think I’m ever going to stop loving you. It’ll be hard without you, but I think I’ll be okay.”
They looked over at the roses they had drawn in the sand and sat there as they watched the waves come and go. They stayed out on the sand until the waves washed away all their hard work. It was sad to see the roses disappear, but they had been there. There were still markings of what they had drawn. Nothing in the world was ever going to wash those away.
Nothing.
Chapter 13
The day had finally come for the two of them to leave each other. Lily had her bags packed and she made sure to clean the suite before she left. Everything looked as good as new and Darlene was going to be pleased with her. She was coming back from this vacation completely refreshed, recharged...and sad. Leaving the beautiful Oceanside meant leaving Johanna behind as well. Not that they were going to be together. Johanna was also leaving today because the band was ready for their next show. This time, they were headed up north to play a few shows there. Lily wished she could follow them, but it was time to go back to work. It was time to go back to reality where there was no Johanna and no time to spend walking down beaches.
Lily sighed as she looked down at her luggage. She didn’t bring very much on this trip, but she was leaving with so much more. She was leaving with memories that she didn’t think she would ever get. Her heart was breaking, but this was something that needed to be done. She had to leave Johanna behind. She had to give up on love for now because there would never be another Johanna for her.
“I don’t think I could live a life in the limelight,” Lily said. “I’m not sure I’m meant for that type of life. I’m a writer and I like the quiet nights to the loud ones.”
“I figured you would say that,” Johanna nodded. “I shouldn’t have tried to force you to change your lifestyle for me. You were perfect and beautiful, but I can’t change you. I don’t want to change you. One of the reasons I fell in love with you is because of how simple and sweet you were. Never lose that.”
“You really like how simple and sweet I am?”
“Absolutely. You’re a change from all the girls that I have been with in the past. You don’t have the tattoos or piercings or any of the crazy clothes or hair. You’re just straightforward, honest, and the nicest person I’ve ever met. You’re telling me exactly what you want. Even though I predicted it, I appreciate your honesty. It’s truly refreshing.”
“Well, I had to be true to you and myself,” Lily said. “I can’t jump into something that I know nothing about. I’m afraid of making mistakes and taking risks. That’s not the kind of person I am.”
“You’re right. That’s the kind of person I am.”
“I just want you to know one thing,” Johanna said. “Every moment that I have spent with you is worth more than all the fan adoration in the world.”
“I wish you could come home with me,” Lily murmured. “I wanted to keep you forever.”
“We’ll meet each other again someday. We’ve gone too far for anyone to pull us apart now. I know where you live and we’ll always be talking to each other,” she said. “At the end of the day, I think it is best if we just went our separate ways.”
“I’m going to miss you so much,” Lily whispered. “I got what I was hoping for and then some. You were an experience that I don’t think I’m ever going to forget.”
“Likewise,” Johanna gave her a kiss. “I’ll see you again, Lily. I promise that the next time we meet, it’s going to be different. The next time that we see each other, I know we will be able to spend eternity with each other.”
“God, I hope you’re right. That’s the only thing I’ve really wanted.”
Lily could feel her heart splitting in two, but she didn’t want Johanna to see it. She felt like she was slowly coming undone and only Johanna could put her back together. However, this was how it was meant to be. This was what they both needed in the end. Some time apart would bring them back closer and stronger than before. She shuddered as Johanna pulled her into a hug. Being in her arms made Lily never want to leave them.
“Stay with me,” she whispered. “Stay as long as you like.”
“I can’t,” Johanna murmured, slowly pulling away from her. It was painful but she had to do it. “I have to let go, Lily. I have a flight to catch.”
On the way to the airport, Johanna could feel an emptiness inside of her. She was already missing Lily and her thick red curls. She missed the way her lips tasted and the kisses that they would give each other. She missed Lily’s gentle embrace and how she would draw all kinds of things in the sand. She still remembered the poorly drawn roses in the sand. Lily had been apologetic, but Johanna found them to be the most beautiful things she had ever seen. They were a symbol of their love drawn into the sand. Johanna had gone down to the shore and noticed that they had been wiped clean, but it didn’t matter. They could draw a million roses in the sand. Their love was eternal.
At times like this, Johanna wished that she could play the guitar because she could strum the strings for a little bit. As it was, she was a drummer. A drummer kept the beat going. It was hard to do that now because her heart was breaking piece by piece. She asked the driver to put on some music and a sad song came on the radio. This was not what she wanted to hear at the moment. She needed something more peppy to make her forget about Lily.
Oh, but how could she forget about her? The past few days with Lily had been worth it. They had given her new meaning into her life. Lily alone had been a good reason to wake up in the morning and live each day to the fullest. How was she supposed to enjoy this tour without the woman she loved?
The driver changed the station again and they were playing Dolly Parton’s “Hard Candy Christmas” on it. Though it wasn’t Christmas time, the song certainly fit Johanna was feeling at the moment. It was from the soundtrack to The Best Little Whorehouse In Texas.
Hey, maybe I’ll learn to sew
Hey, maybe I’ll just lie low
Maybe I’ll hit the bars
Maybe I’ll count the stars until down
Me, I will go on
Maybe I’ll settle down
Maybe I’ll just leave town
Maybe I’ll have some fun
Maybe I’ll meet someone
And make him mine
Me, I’ll be just
Fine And dandy
Lord, it’s like a hard candy Christmas
I’m barely getting through tomorrow
But still I won’t let sorrow bring me way down
Johanna sighed as she listened to the lyrics. It had been ages since she had seen the movie or heard this song, but she was feeling this way. It was going to be hard to get through these next few hours without Lily, but she had to do it. She was going to focus on the music again and let that take over. That was the only way she was ever going to get over her heartbreak.
It was at that very moment that Johanna came up with the perfect song. She owed it all to Lily and the few days that they had spent together. Finding a pen and piece of paper, she began to write the lyrics down. The band had to like what she was coming up with now.
It was all coming straight from her broken heart.
Chapter 14
A few days later…
Lily might have been back at home, but she didn’t stop thinking about Johanna. She wondered where her new love was at the moment. She was probably touring some countries around Europe or Asia at this hour. Maybe she was out in a bar with the rest of her bandmates and having a good time. Wherever she was, she was certainly having a better time than Lily was. Ever since getting back to work, things had become more hectic than ever. The cook had messed up two orders and Lily accidentally ended up giving someone the wrong drink. Fortunately, these were things that could be easily fixed, but the customers were a little irate from it. In the end, they didn’t leave her much of a tip and that frustrated her. Didn’t these people know that she had to
live off on these tips? She wasn’t going to last if this was all she was getting.
However, the lack of tips wasn’t what bothered her the most. It was the lack of Johanna. She hadn’t heard a thing from her girlfriend since she had come home. She had been hoping for a letter or call or even an email, but nothing had come in. Then again, Johanna was probably busy with the band. Of course, she wasn’t going to have time for someone else. Lily would just have to be patient.
Darlene, her manager, came over to her during the break hours. “Hey, Lily. I didn’t get a chance to talk to you earlier but how are you doing?”
“Tired,” Lily had her feet propped up on one another and was eating her dinner. Tonight, she opted to get some Chinese food from a place down the street. Normally, it would be bad manners to bring in food from another place, but Darlene never minded this. She encouraged her employees to support other businesses, especially the smaller ones. They were all working towards the same goals.
“I can tell. Tonight’s been a rough night,” Darlene pulled up a chair and sat down. “I know those mixed orders weren’t your fault. It happens sometimes.”
“Yeah, I know mistakes happen. It’s just frustrating when the customer doesn’t seem to get it,” Lily murmured, digging into her chicken with cashews. She didn’t realize how hungry she was until it was time for her break. “I’ll survive though.”
“I’m taking that this is not the only thing that’s bothering you,” Darlene said. “What else is out there? What’s on your mind?”
“My vacation is still on my mind,” Lily admitted. Though Darlene didn’t know she was gay, Lily was comfortable talking about certain things with her. “I made a friend over there and she was great. She was so pretty, funny, and very smart. I’ve been thinking about her ever since I got home.”
“You miss her a lot, don’t you?”
“Yeah, I do. We had some good times together. It’s been the first time in a long time that I’ve actually felt relaxed. I had fun. I hated that the vacation ended so soon because I feel like I could have been out there for a long time.”
“Well, you gotta return to reality sometimes,” Darlene told her. “It’ll be okay, Lily. You can always contact each other through mail and phone and all kinds of things. Your friendship doesn’t have to stop here.”
Darlene was right, of course, but she couldn’t possibly understand how Lily was feeling. Johanna was more than just a friend to her. She was Lily’s soulmate and her life partner. They were so far away right now that she didn’t know how they would survive. What could they possibly do right now? Email and phone calls could only take them so far. Johanna had given her a Skype name, but Lily rarely had time to Skype with anyone. When she came home at night, it was too late to do anything except sleep. During the mornings, Johanna was busy with her band. Black Widow's Kiss was playing for everyone in the world. Why would their drummer take time out of her busy schedule for Lily?
“I really miss her, Darlene,” Lily admitted.
“I know,” Darlene squeezed her shoulder. “Come on, it’s almost time for you to get back to work. You’ve only got five minutes left.”
Lily nodded and closed the container to her food. She decided to leave the rest of it in the fridge. Although she felt weighed down, she still had to get out there and work like there was no tomorrow. She had to work like Johanna never existed.
Johanna. Her name alone rolled off Lily’s tongue. She wondered what Johanna was doing at this hour. No doubt she was probably waking up and getting ready for her day. It was morning in Malaysia right now. Johanna was probably busy doing a million other things. She wasn’t going to be able to Skype with Lily once she got off work. The band would be practicing at that moment. Morning time wasn’t good either because Johanna was asleep then.
Maybe I should have taken her offer. She thought. It wasn’t like she was making a ton over here. It was the same old life that she had before Johanna. The only difference was that Johanna was haunting her dreams now. The night before, she had dreamt that she and Johanna were standing at the altar together, getting ready to exchange their vows. The rest of Black Widow’s Kiss was also there and they would be playing the wedding march. Lily would be walking down the aisle, her arm linked with her father’s, while Johanna waited for her at the end.
She made up her mind at that moment that she was going to see Johanna, no matter how much it cost. There was no way she could live like this. She couldn’t live without her and it was driving her crazy. Her body was aching for Johanna. She wanted to get close with her and do things that they didn’t get the chance to do earlier. She needed another vacation, but could she afford one so soon? She just got back and Darlene would never let her go.
At the same time, her heart was telling her to do the right thing. It was telling her to go after Johanna and let her know how much she loved her. She had to find Johanna again. No woman ever made her feel this way and no one else ever could. That was a feeling that only Johanna knew how to give. She needed that feeling more than ever now.
For the time being, she was not going to put in her two-weeks notice. She had just gotten back and she still needed the money. She needed to pay for all her medical bills. She was just going on another vacation for a few days. This was just so she could see Johanna. It was a crazy risk and she could lose her job over it. However, it was a risk that she wanted to take.
Hang on, Jo. We’ll be together again before you know it. She thought. Just wait and see. I’ll be with you yet.
Chapter 15
Johanna was missing Lily every night that she played in a new country. She would keep looking out in the audience and hoped that Lily would show up there. She wanted to believe that Lily would surprise her by coming out here. However, she was always disappointed. She would see so many people, but no Lily. She had to understand that Lily had a life of her own. She worked hard back at home and didn’t really have time for talking on the phone. She didn’t even Skype because she came back too late to talk. It was hard to be on two different ends of the world.
The band was being supportive as usual. They could tell that Johanna was feeling low and tried to cheer her up. They gave her the space when she needed it and did what they could to help her. Johanna was grateful to them and appreciated everything they offered. They were great friends, but they weren’t Lily. The one she was missing the most right now was Lily. She had tried to write her a letter but kept getting stalled on it. She didn’t know what she could say other than things were going great and that she was having a blast. It would probably make Lily feel bad that she wasn’t around to enjoy all this.
“Oh, Lily,” she murmured to no one in particular. “Lily, Lily, Lily. I wish you were here with me right now. I’d show you so much stuff.”
She wanted to run her fingers through Lily’s hair and hold her close. She wanted to breathe her in and never let her go. She wanted to explore the whole world with Lily. That was what she was dreaming of, day and night. She wanted to marry her at that moment and wanted to get her an engagement ring. Unfortunately, Lily was too far away to do anything with.
Still, there was a chance she could propose to her. If she just got her letter written out, she could do it right now. So far, the paper in the hotel was being used to write song lyrics. She had the perfect heartbreak song in her head. She just needed to get it down on the pages.
Taking her pen, she began to write some of the words down.
You
You and I
We're like the ocean
We're caught in the waves
We were drawing lines in the sand
You were holding my hand
We were lost in this dream together
And you said we'd last forever
We are timeless
We are eternity
You are everything
That I will ever need
That was all she had at the moment. It wasn’t enough to create anything, but it was going to have to do. Right now, it d
idn’t flow very well so she needed to add some more to it. She had to fluff the song up so it sounded like a real heartbreak song. Right now, they were just words. She needed to write more than some words. She needed pain in here. Crumpling up the paper, she threw it in the wastebasket and decided to try writing the lyrics again.
She pictured what they had been doing on the beach. Lily had tried to draw roses with her finger, but they were more like swirls than flowers. Still, the attempt was made and it was a nice attempt. What Johanna had done was make holes in the sand. Those didn’t look anything close to flowers. Still, Lily appreciated them and that was all that mattered. Seeing Lily smile and laugh lit up her world. That was all she cared about now. That was the only thing she wanted to see. She had to see her again.
I wonder if I can surprise her with a short visit. Johanna thought, wanting to go to Lily’s hometown and show up at the restaurant that she worked in. Lily would probably drop everything that she was holding and run over to her. Johanna would lift her off the ground and spin her around a few times. Then they would talk about how things went this week and ask all kinds of questions. If they had time, Johanna would take Lily to the jewelry store and help her pick out an engagement ring. Then they could make the plans for their wedding and it would be a lot of fun.