Saving Sebastian: A Catharsis Novel (Custos Securities Series Book 3)

by Luna, David

  When he got back to the room, Sebastian was buried completely under the blankets again, his whole body shivering, and covered in sweat. He set down the items he had in his hands and went to gather some fresh clothing and bedding. He came back to the bed with what he needed and went about waking Sebastian. He got him to sit up and was able to remove his soaked shirt and replace it, but his boy was still out of it.

  When their eyes met, Sebastian blinked at him sleepily a sweet smile on his face. “Hi.”

  Gideon couldn’t help but smile in return. “Hey, baby.”

  He laid him back down, pulled off his sweatpants and briefs and replaced those as well, his boy barely stirring. He pulled the new blanket from the pile of bedding, wrapped him in it and carried him over to his big upholstered chair.

  Gideon made quick work of making the bed up again and tossed all the linens and clothes in Sebastian’s hamper. He picked him back up and slid him under the covers again. Sebastian curled in on himself and seemed to be asleep again. Gideon looked around trying to figure out what he could do to help, while Sebastian continued to rest. His heart stopped in his chest when he heard a whispered, “I love you, Sir.”

  His knees grew weak and he sat beside Sebastian as he slept, running his big hand over Sebastian’s tiny frame. Gideon knew he was asleep and didn’t know what he was saying, but he took the words to heart, knowing Sebastian wouldn’t have said them in sleep unless they were true. Gideon leaned over him and kissed his head, murmuring, “I love you, too, baby.”

  He knew he was probably imagining it, but he thought he heard a happy sigh as he stood up again. Glad that the worst of the fever was gone for now, he went about getting a load of laundry together and started it. He wandered the rooms of the house, making a mental list of what still needed packing.

  There was still so much to do, he had no idea how Sebastian would have gotten it done on his own, but knew somehow, he’d have found a way. It seemed his boy always found a way. He grabbed his phone off the nightstand to get some of the stuff down so he wouldn’t forget it and saw half a dozen texts had come in. Ignoring them, he made several lists in an email and sent them out to his family asking for help and knowing he’d get it, no questions asked.

  He ignored the new texts coming in and the vibrating alerts of his email box. As he went to work packing up what seemed to be Sebastian’s combined office and guest room, he couldn’t help making plans for their future, regardless of how uncertain that future seemed.

  SEBASTIAN WOKE DISORIENTED. HIS HEAD rested in the crook of what could only be Gideon’s enormous bicep, his fingers curled protectively in Gideon’s huge palm. His Dom’s other arm was wrapped snuggly around Sebastian’s waist holding him tight against his broad chest. He thought perhaps he might be dreaming, but his lack of energy and the constant dull ache in his head made him realize he wasn’t. He looked at the clock, and saw it was 3:33 a.m. He slowly removed his hand from Gideon’s and turned in his arms.

  Assuming Gideon would be asleep he was surprised to find him wide awake and gazing back at him. He felt Gideon’s arm wrap around his back and pull him closer. He reached up and touched his Dom’s soft, scruffy beard, almost not believing he was there. His Dom. He should really start thinking of him only as Gideon. He was no longer his Dom, but damned if he could force his mind to make that mental switch. Gideon would forever be his Dom, even if the man no longer had the desire to own the title.

  “Sir?”

  “I’m here, baby. I’m not going anywhere. Close your eyes and rest.”

  “Why?”

  “Why what, boy?”

  “I thought you left.”

  “I’m never leaving you again. Please, just rest. I’ll still be here when you wake up.”

  That was all it took for the floodgates to open. The firm grip he had on control slipped an infinitesimal amount and no matter what he tried to do he was too weak to clench it tight again.

  Too exhausted to be embarrassed, his sobs wracked his small frame and he felt himself being drawn inexorably closer until every inch of his body was touching Gideon’s. Gideon’s lips were in his hair, kissing, and then that deep voice he’d missed so much was whispering to him. The “I’ve got yous” blended in with the “I’m here nows,” and finally taking over were the “You’re gonna be all rights.”

  When the maelstrom of emotion finally abated, he tried to catch his breath. He lay in the tight embrace of his Dom, so many confusing, mixed feelings not allowing him to voice his thoughts. He pulled back just enough to look into Gideon’s eyes but Gideon pulled him in again, tucking his head under his chin, running his hand up and down his back and kissing his head again. “I hate that you’ve been so alone and in so much pain. I’m so sorry, Bastian. I’m here, now. You’ll never be alone again.”

  “I don’t understand. You can’t… What—”

  “Shhh.” Gideon pulled away and Sebastian tilted his head up, their eyes meeting. “I’ll explain everything. I promise you, I will. But right now, you’re too exhausted. We have plenty of time to talk in the morning. Please, close your eyes for me and sleep.”

  Sebastian’s energy was flagging so he nodded, burrowed himself deeper into Gideon’s arms, and closed his eyes. He’d take the comfort offered for now, he didn’t have it in him to argue. He placed his palm on Gideon’s chest, and feeling the rise and fall, attuned his breathing to his Dom’s. Drawing strength from the solid beat of Gideon’s heart, he used that as the metronome to lure him back into sleep.

  When he woke again, sunlight was streaming through his curtains and he was cold and alone in bed. Not knowing what it meant and half believing maybe he had been dreaming the night before, he lay there awhile longer, taking stock of how he felt. The ache in his head had abated somewhat. He wasn’t as tired, but his body ached and he didn’t have much energy. Knowing he needed to get himself something to eat, he sat up and pushed the blankets to the side.

  The door to his bedroom opened and his heart stopped at the tousled hair and heavy-lidded eyes of his Dom. He held two stainless steel travel mugs and a box from the Sugar n’ Spice Café that he set down on the nightstand. Sebastian’s mouth watered.

  “I wanted to be here when you woke. I’m sorry. I had to let my family in.”

  That last bit had Sebastian’s heart rate ratcheting up and confusion and nervousness taking over. Gripping the bedding in his hand he twisted it and asked, “Why is your family here?”

  “To get your packing done and do anything else that needs doing for your move on Wednesday.”

  Feeling like he’d missed a huge conversation he should have been privy to he rubbed his hands over his face. Shaking his head he looked up at Gideon, confused. “Why? What’s going on?” Almost afraid to ask, he forced his last question out. “Why are you here?”

  “We’re all here to help. You need people in your corner and we all want to be here for you. You aren’t alone anymore.”

  Remembering some of Gideon’s words in the middle of the night and his own emotional reaction, Sebastian suddenly couldn’t catch his breath. This didn’t feel right. This was the last thing he wanted and was exactly why he’d not told anyone what was going on. Shaking his head, he looked at Gideon, his eyes beseeching. “They can’t be here, Gideon. Please. Tell them thank you, but I’ll handle everything. I need to handle everything.”

  “You don’t, Bastian.”

  “I do. Please. It’s important to me. I don’t want to be rude. Your family is amazing, but I can’t have them here. I can’t.”

  “Sebastian…”

  Feeling lightheaded, his breathing was coming in short bursts. “I can’t have you here. You all need to leave.” He was shaking his head and his hands were shaking. He couldn’t breathe, his chest felt tight and his vision was fuzzy. He slumped back onto his pillows against the headboard as he tried to breathe again and the blackness set in. The next thing he knew, he felt hands rubbing his arms up and down and then clasping his face.

  “Jesus.
Bastian. Hey, come on. Open your eyes. There you go. Deep breath. Take a deep breath with me. That’s it. Another. And again. Good.”

  Humiliated beyond belief, he avoided looking at the larger than life man now sitting in front of him on the bed, hands cradling his face. He shook his head and pulled back, dislodging the grip Gideon had on him. How long had it been since he’d eaten? Every time he did, he felt sick and he was never very hungry to begin with, but obviously he’d have to force the issue. He had too much shit to do to be passing the fuck out. He had to get them gone. He couldn’t have them in his house.

  “Gideon, please listen to what I’m saying. I need to deal with this on my own. Please.”

  “You don’t, Sebastian.”

  “I DO!” Angry suddenly, he didn’t have the energy to temper his reaction. “Don’t you get it? I can’t lean on anyone because I don’t have anyone to lean on! I won’t be a charity case!”

  “Jesus, Bastian, you’re not a charity case. What are you even—”

  “That’s exactly what I am. And I won’t stand for it. I won’t be a burden ever again!”

  “You’re not a burden!”

  “I won’t be, if you leave. Please go.”

  “I can’t.”

  Tears rolled down his face and he whispered, brokenly, “Jesus, Gideon. All I’ve got left is my pride. Can’t you give me that at least?”

  Gideon’s large palms clasped his face again and forced his eyes to his. “Listen to me, Bastian.”

  “No! Please, just…”

  Frantic, he shook his head and was about to continue when a dark look passed over Gideon’s face and his voice took on his Dom tone when he snapped out, “Settle, boy!”

  Just like that the noise taking up too much space in his head stopped and his body stilled. God dammit. Why did his body still have to react so completely to the man? Why did his mind betray him and calm when there was nothing to be calm about? Why did his heartbeat slow its cadence in his chest as they stared at each other?

  Gideon shook his head. “I’m sorry. I know I don’t have the right to call you boy after what I did.”

  Sebastian sighed, defeated. “I’ll always be your boy, Gideon. Don’t you get it? That’s the problem. It doesn’t matter what you did. It doesn’t matter that we’re over. That’s why I need you to go. All of you, just go.”

  The firm, deep tone continued when Gideon responded, “I can’t do that. And we aren’t over, Sebastian.”

  “We are. We have to be.”

  Gideon shook his head again. “I don’t believe that. And I need you to stop pushing me away for just a minute while I ask you something really important. All right? And no matter what, I need you to tell me the truth. Can you do that, Bastian?”

  Sebastian glanced away, unable to hold his gaze when the question had him wanting to say no. He shook his head ineffectually and earned a growl in response. His eyes flicked immediately back to his Dom and he couldn’t stop his sigh. “Yes, Sir.”

  Gideon nodded, loosening his grip on Sebastian’s face and caressed his hands down his arms and clasped Sebastian’s hands in his. “I don’t know exactly what’s going on with your health. We’ll talk about that later. Right now, I need to know if we set aside your illness, whatever it is, and set aside our contract and our Dom/sub relationship—if none of that existed—what would you want from me? What would you want from us?”

  No. Why would he ask that? How could he not know the answer already? He had to know. He shook his head and looked down. He wasn’t strong enough for this. Pulling his hands free of Gideon’s, he pulled his knees up to his chest to bury his face in.

  “Baby?”

  “Don’t.”

  “Sebastian!”

  He jerked his head up at his Dom’s commanding tone and sucked in a startled breath. Angry at what he was being forced to say, he tried to refuse again with another shake of his head.

  “Answer—”

  “Everything! I’d want everything from you! None of which I can have, Gideon! Jesus. Did you think I misunderstood you at the party? What is this? Punishment? Bring your family over to tease me with a world I’ll never belong to? Hold my hand because you feel sorry for me and then leave when reality hits? I’m a strong person. I’ve had to be. But a person can only take so much before they break.”

  “I love you, Sebastian.”

  “Is that what you want? Do you want me to br…” A gasp escaped when he finally realized what Gideon had said. That wasn’t possible. “What? What did you say?”

  “I’m in love with you, Sebastian.”

  “NO! You can’t be!” He scrambled off the side of the bed when Gideon tried to reach for him. “You can’t, Gideon. I’m a bad bet. You have to see that! Please. Please just go. Take your family and go.”

  “Sebastian, what are you talking about? I’m not going anywhere.”

  “You have to. Don’t you get it? This,” he gestured between them, “can’t work. I told you that I wasn’t made for long term. You made the right decision for us. You don’t know what you’re saying. You don’t have all the facts.”

  “So, tell me! Because I’m not going anywhere.”

  “I have a surgery next week. Brain surgery, Gideon. There’s a very real chance I won’t make it, but if I do I’ve got a long road of recovery ahead. And even if I recover fully, I’ll always have problems. My port-wine stain will always be an issue. I’ll constantly have laser treatments and other problems as a result.”

  “I don’t give a shit about that!”

  As if Gideon hadn’t spoken, he continued, “I’m losing strength in my arm and may not be able to use it years from now. My leg could be the same in the future. Glaucoma could be next. I’m high risk for strokes, paralysis, and blindness. It’s never ending, Gideon!”

  “It doesn’t matter. None of that matters!”

  “Of course, it matters! Everything matters. Christ, I barely have the energy to deal with it. I would never put that on anyone else. You deserve someone whole. Someone who can keep up with you. Someone who will be as healthy as you. Someone who won’t be a burden for the rest of your life. Because that’s all I’ll be in the end and I won’t be the one to do that to you.”

  “You don’t get to make that choice for me!”

  “I do, though. I have to. Don’t you see? Because I love you, too, Sir. Enough to never put you through it. Enough to let you go.”

  “Jesus, Sebastian. You’re killing me. I’m not leaving you.”

  “You don’t have a choice. I’ll ask your family to leave myself, if it comes to that.”

  “You can ask them to leave, but the likelihood that they’ll do as you ask is slim to none. They know what you mean to me. They know that you need help.”

  “I don’t need help,” he said stubbornly.

  Gideon approached him and squeezed his shoulders, gently. “Jesus, Bastian. Everybody needs help. And that’s all they need to know. You’ve got a real mom down there that’s waiting to lavish you with love and help take care of you because that’s what real mothers do. You’ve got a father organizing everything in the house so that everything runs smoothly on Wednesday.”

  Overwhelmed, all he could get out was a, “But,” before Gideon ignored him and continued, drawing him near.

  “You’ve got your two closest friends down there, doing whatever my dad says to do. You’ve got a brother doing the heavy lifting and a sister filling all the holes in your wall with toothpaste and painting over them. And you’ve got Finn working with our lawyers and your medical paperwork to find a way to get your surgery approved. My other brother would be here, too, if he wasn’t overseas with his SEAL team. You have a whole family down there, Bastian.”

  He shook his head and crossed his arms, rejecting Gideon’s words. “I don’t have family. They—”

  Gideon pulled him against his chest and wrapped his arms around him. “Yeah. I know what your mom had to say to you. Something is deeply broken in them to reject a son like you, which m
akes them your birth parents, but not your family. Your family is here, in your house, taking care of what needs to be done so that you can finally rest.”

  He pulled back. “It’s not right, Gideon. I can’t accept it.”

  “It’s already done. There’s nothing to accept. They love you because I love you. It’s as simple as that.”

  Shaking his head he extricated himself and backed away, isolating himself from Gideon’s words and touch. “Nothing’s that simple. And that doesn’t change that fact that they’re wasting their time on someone who may very well not be here next week.”

  He watched, devastated as his words shattered Gideon before his eyes.

  “It’s not a waste of time. You’ve gotta stop talking like that.”

  He backed away and faced his window. “That’s my reality, Gideon. Denying it won’t make it go away.”

  “It’s not going to happen.”

  He turned around again, frustration seeping through. “It could! Anything could happen. I can’t ask you—”

  “You’re not asking! And Christ, Bastian, I could get hit by a bus tomorrow.”

  He crossed his arms over his chest and shook his head. “Don’t be ridiculous. Nothing’s going to happen to you.”

  Gideon reached out and slowly unfolded his arms, clasping his hands. “You can’t say that for sure. Sebastian, my grandfather died of colon cancer. My mother had breast cancer. What if I get cancer or some other disease? Would you leave me when I needed you most?”

  He tried to pull away but Gideon held fast. “Let me go.”

  “No. Are you going to leave me if I get sick or hurt, Sebastian?”

  “You won’t.”

  “You don’t know that! I’m not invincible!”

  He shook his head at the absurdity of this conversation. “Stop.”

  “No. Answer the goddamned question, Bastian. Would you leave me if I got cancer?”

  “NO! You know I wouldn’t!”

  “But cancer would put a burden on you.”

  “Don’t twist my words. It’s not the same.”