A Beginner's Guide To Salad

by Jennifer Joyce

  ‘But I’m his wife!’

  ‘Still, I have to follow Mr Shuttleworth’s instructions.’

  ‘For fuck’s sake.’ A loud sigh hissed in my ear. ‘Fine. Tell him to phone me back as soon as possible.’

  The corners of my mouth itched as I fought to remain serious. ‘Can I take your number?’

  ‘He has my fucking number.’ The phone was slammed down without so much as a goodbye. I was scrawling the message on a post-it when Erin wandered into the office, cups of coffee in hand.

  ‘What so funny?’ Erin asked as I tittered to myself.

  ‘I’ve just been winding Susan up.’ I took one of the cups from Erin and thanked her. ‘What happened to you on Friday? The last time I saw you, you were doing your best to avoid the Ginger Bastard.’ Richard Shuttleworth, aka the Ginger Bastard, was Erin’s manager and he’d had a massive crush on her since she started at the company. He acted like a lost puppy, following her around, desperate to be petted.

  ‘I avoided him completely by going home with Stuart from Accounts.’

  ‘Again?’ Erin had worked her way through the more good looking employees of H. Woods, but she rarely went back for seconds. She liked to explore new options and give other men a go. She was fair like that.

  ‘Well, he is rather good.’ Erin grinned and gave a contented sigh. ‘Three times, Ruth. If it wasn’t for my Get Out By Eight rule, it would have been four.’

  With Gideon out of the picture, I couldn’t imagine when I’d have sex again. And speaking of sex, Kelvin’s door opened and he ushered Angelina out, pausing when he spotted Erin perched on my desk. Anyone else caught skiving would have been given a bollocking, but not Erin. Richard wouldn’t allow his father to berate the lovely Erin.

  ‘Did you get dressed in the dark this morning?’ Erin asked Angelina, nodding at her skirt, which was tucked into her knickers at one side. ‘Don’t be embarrassed. It happens to all of us.’ Angelina unhooked her skirt before scurrying out of the office, doing her best to keep her head held high.

  ‘Susan called. She wants you to ring back as soon as possible.’ I held out the post-it but Kelvin didn’t deign to take it. Instead, he grunted and retreated into his office.

  Erin hopped off my desk. ‘She has no standards, that Angelina. Imagine having sex with that.’ Shaking her head, Erin gave a wave and wandered back to her own office, leaving me to get on with some work. Opening Google, I began researching a new diet.

  I settled on the Atkins Diet, assuming it would be a piece of piss. I could eat as much meat as I liked, for God’s sake. I’d been dreaming of big fat steaks during my salad days and now not only could I eat them, my diet dictated that I must. I was glowing after three days of Atkins, full and energised after my days of tomato misery.

  ‘I’m going on my lunch break. Would you like anything from the kitchen?’ See, my good mood was even allowing me to be helpful towards Kelvin.

  ‘I’ve got my lunch here.’ Kelvin prodded a plastic box on his desk without looking away from his computer screen. ‘Shut the door on your way out.’

  I skipped to the kitchen, actually looking forward to my lunch for a change, and was met by a delicious bottom as I stepped into the kitchen. An unidentified male was searching the only cupboard in the tiny kitchen. Had I been Erin, I’d have followed my desire to give it a good squeeze. But I wasn’t Erin so I fought the urge and headed for the fridge to cool down instead.

  ‘Oh, hello. I didn’t hear you come in.’ The unidentified male pulled his head out of the cupboard and rose to his feet, dusting off his trousers. I bit back a yelp as he looked up. Yikes, he was divine. Still unidentified, he was tall and lean with closely shaven blond hair and the beginnings of pale stubble. I imagined the roughness on my soft skin as he kissed me and felt my cheeks warming.

  ‘I don’t think we’ve met. I’m Jared Williams, the new purchasing manager.’ He held out a hand and despite being warm, it sent a shiver along my arm as I took it.

  ‘Ruth Lynch, Kelvin Shuttleworth’s PA.’ I stood gawping at him, wondering how it was possible for a man so amazingly gorgeous to be before me in H. Woods’ grotty little kitchen, how he had found himself working at H. Woods at all. Surely there were better places for a man such as Jared Williams.

  ‘Sorry, am I in your way?’ Jared shuffled to the side as best as he could, pinning himself up against the wall while I shot towards the fridge, sinking my hot face into its glorious coolness. Had I really just stood staring at him, mesmerised by his beauty? I was pathetic beyond words.

  ‘There isn’t a ham salad in the fridge, is there? I’ve had a look but I couldn’t find it. I thought maybe it had been moved to the cupboard, but it isn’t in there either. My yogurt’s gone too.’

  Kelvin strikes again, I thought, recalling the plastic tub on his desk. As well as being a pervert and a grumpy sod, Kelvin Shuttleworth was a phantom lunch stealer.

  I rose from the fridge and put a hand on Jared’s arm to break the news. ‘I don’t think your lunch has made it, I’m afraid. It’s a gamble storing your lunch in here. You’ve only got a fifty-fifty chance of it surviving. Did nobody warn you?’ Jared shook his head, his brow furrowing ever so slightly. Lord, help me. He was even sexy while frowning. ‘It’s Kelvin. He’s somehow under the impression that the kitchen is stocked for his personal use. Labelling food doesn’t work either. He sees food and eats.’ I’d given up trying to hammer the point home a long time ago. ‘I’m sorry for your loss.’

  To my relief, Jared didn’t think I was a complete tit and he smiled at me. And what a sight that was! I’d forgotten I was clutching hold of my plastic tub until it almost slipped from my clammy hands.

  ‘My chicken was lucky enough to have survived. There’s plenty if you want to share.’

  What was I doing? That was practically a lunch date. Why on earth would a man like Jared accept any kind of date with the likes of me?

  ‘That’s so kind of you. I’d love to share.’

  Oh. Right then. ‘It’s just chicken. No salad or pasta or anything. You’d probably be better off going to the pub for one of their lunches.’ Why was I talking him out of it? Shut up, Ruth. ‘But they’re a bit ghastly, to be honest. They only do two meals – rubbery spaghetti bolognese or a sweaty ploughman’s lunch.’ Please, for the love of God, shut up.

  ‘I’m not a fan of rubbery or sweaty food. I prefer chicken, even if there isn’t any salad or pasta or anything. Do you mind sharing?’

  I didn’t and so we grabbed a couple of plates and divided the chicken between us. I expected Jared to wander off back to his office, putting as much distance between him and the crazy girl as he could but he didn’t. We stayed put in the kitchen, despite the lack of seating, and ate our lunch while chatting. I couldn’t get over it. Gorgeous Jared Williams, chatting to me. Me!

  That night, I dreamt about Gorgeous Jared Williams but then he turned into a baked potato, dripping with butter. I didn’t know it yet, but not only was I craving Gorgeous Jared Williams, I was also beginning to crave carbs. The cravings intensified over the next few days and I found my dreams muddled with potatoes, I hallucinated about eating stodgy pasta and the sight of bread brought me out in a cold sweat. I could feel the end of Atkins was nigh but the final straw came when I weighed myself. I’d lost a pound. One sodding pound. I needed to slim down to at least a size 14 to wow at the reunion so one pound wasn’t going to cut it. I needed another diet and fast.

  After scouring the internet, the answer became clear. Instead of depriving myself of food groups, I simply had to cut down on what I ate and follow a calorie controlled diet. I found a weekly food plan online that looked reasonable and even allowed the odd treat. Perfect. Except there was one massive downside to a calorie controlled diet. I had zero control.

  SEVEN

  Billy

  The bathroom shelf was crammed with all sorts of crap, from moisturiser, self-tan, hair serum, face washes and scrubs to night cream. And worst of all, it all belonged to Theo
. Billy’s grooming consisted of shampoo, shower gel, deodorant and running a comb through his hair, but then he didn’t have a tiny proportion of the luck Theo had with women so maybe over grooming was the way to go.

  Billy peered at Theo’s shelf, at the pots and bottles of magic. He was preparing for his second date with Clare, so he wanted to present himself to the best of his ability and if that meant rubbing a bit of poncy cream in his hair and face, then so be it.

  Billy was surprised it had come to a second date at all as they hadn’t got off to the best start. Billy had assumed his chances with Clare had been torn to shreds due to Erin’s gigantic gob. Clare had obviously jumped to her best friend’s defence after Erin unwittingly insulted Becki and Billy feared things were about to get ugly. Luckily for Billy, Ruth was on hand to calm the situation and the four of them had shared the briefest drink known to man before Clare made her excuses and left. Inexplicably, she’d left her number and they’d embarked on a disastrous first date a few days later.

  It had started off alright with a trip to the cinema and, while the film was a bit naff, it wasn’t anything too damning. They went for a drink afterwards and that’s where the trouble began. Billy had been to the bar and when he returned he found there was a bloke – the preened kind who probably used everything on Theo’s shelf and more – chatting Clare up. And what did Billy do? He stood back and let him. Well, what else could he do? The bloke was tall, broad and toned while Billy was a floppy haired, skinny geek. Clare shouldn’t have been out with him at all. He was punching way above his weight and so he quietly slid Clare’s drink onto the table and nursed his own a couple of seats away.

  ‘What are you doing over there, Billy?’ Clare had patted the bench she was sitting on, opposite the preened guy who was perched on a stool looking cool, slick and smug. ‘Come and sit here. Callum was just keeping me company while you were at the bar but you’re here now.’ She turned to the preened guy with a sweet smile. ‘Thank you ever so much.’ Now bog off, her smile continued.

  Clare had rolled her eyes as Callum swaggered back to his mates. ‘What an idiot. His head is so far up his bum I’m surprised he can breathe.’

  It turned out Clare wasn’t into the hyper grooming thing and had agreed to see Billy again. So why was he studying Theo’s shelf? Clare liked Billy as he was. Shaking his head at his lack of confidence, Billy ignored the products on the shelf and left the bathroom. He was showered and shaved and that was good enough.

  ‘Fancy a game?’ Theo held up the Playstation pad and made room on the sofa. It wasn’t yet seven pm, but the coffee table was already littered with beer bottles and takeaway cartons.

  ‘I can’t. I’m going out on a date.’ Billy tried not to sound smug as the words left his mouth, but dates happened so infrequently for him that it was difficult not to.

  Theo swivelled round to take a proper look at Billy, noting that he wasn’t wearing his usual scruffy jeans and game-based T-shirt. ‘With who?’

  ‘Clare.’ The name was met by a blank look. ‘We met her in the pub a couple of weeks ago. You went home with her friend, Becki.’

  ‘Becki… Becki… Ah, yes.’ Theo nodded in approval. ‘Dirty, dirty girl. Is Clare as mucky as her friend?’

  ‘Like I’d tell you.’ Like Billy would know. Clare wasn’t like that and, to be honest, neither was Billy. He preferred to get to know a girl before they had sex. Theo wasn’t even fussed if he knew the girl’s name. ‘Anyway, I’m off.’

  ‘Have fun,’ Theo called over his shoulder, having already turned back to his game.

  Billy took the opportunity to calm his nerves during the walk to Clare’s house, but it seemed his nerves were unwilling to be soothed and the nauseous feeling remained, doing laps in his stomach until the moment Clare opened the door. Looking casual but pretty in a pair of skinny jeans and a cream T-shirt with a peach, leafy floral print, Clare hooked on a jacket, hopped over the threshold and gave Billy a peck on the cheek before linking her arm through his and chatting away for the duration of the short walk to Cosmo’s. With Clare obviously feeling so at ease with Billy, he found the feeling reciprocated and his jitters wafted away into the cool evening air.

  Cosmo met them at the door with a pre-arranged glass of champagne. ‘Mr Worth, Ms Rathbone, would you like to follow me? Your table is ready.’ Billy and Clare were seated by the window where a bucket of ice held the remainder of the bottle of champagne. Cosmo gave the pair his undivided attention for the evening and by the time they left, tipsy on champagne and full of Cosmo’s finest food, Clare felt thoroughly wined and dined.

  ‘Does he treat all his customers like that?’ Clare asked as she zipped up her jacket outside the restaurant. The sun had completely died out by now and the temperature had dropped severely.

  ‘He’s never treated me like that before so it must just be you.’

  ‘And you had nothing to do with it?’ Billy had let slip that Cosmo was an old friend of his but Clare thought it was sweet that he had gone to such efforts for her. Rising on her tiptoes, she kissed Billy lightly on the lips. With her back to the window, she didn’t see Cosmo flashing Billy a wink from within the restaurant.

  ‘It’s still quite early. Do you want to come back to mine for a coffee?’

  Clare slipped her hand in Billy’s as they began to walk away from Cosmo’s. ‘That would be lovely.’

  Billy clasped his hands together and thanked a higher power when they returned to an empty house. Theo must have grown bored of his own company and wandered down to the pub for another crack at Caitlin and Billy hadn’t seen Ruth since breakfast.

  ‘How do you take it?’ Billy asked as he filled the kettle.

  ‘White, no sugar please.’ Billy bit his tongue, unwilling to utter ‘sweet enough?’ as that would be beyond cheesy, even for him. ‘This is a lovely house. Do you share?’

  ‘Yep, I have two housemates, Theo and Ruth. You met them, remember?’

  Ah, yes. Theo. He’d promised to phone her friend but never did. Bastard. ‘Ruth seems nice. Have you known her long?’

  ‘I’ve known her forever. She’s my best mate’s little sister and we’ve lived together for about ten years.’

  ‘And you two have never…’ How did she phrase it? ‘… Hooked up?’

  Billy spluttered and spilled the coffee granules he’d been scooping into mugs onto the counter. ‘God, no. Stephen would kill me. And she’s like a sister to me. We grew up together. When my mum died, I spent more time with her family than my own.’

  ‘So there are no feelings there? For either of you?’

  ‘Not in that way, no.’ Billy finished making the coffees and they wandered into the sitting room where Clare slipped off her boots and curled up on the sofa. ‘So who do you live with?’

  Clare scrunched up her nose, which Billy thought looked adorable, like a little bunny. ‘My parents. I know, I know, I’m too old to be living with Mum and Dad but it’s only a recent thing. I split up with my ex six months ago and I tried to manage the mortgage on my own, but it wasn’t happening so I had to go home to Mum and Dad. But it’s only until I’ve scraped a deposit together to rent my own place.’ She blew on her coffee but it was still far too hot. After standing to place it on the coffee table, she sat back down, much closer to Billy this time. ‘I’ve had a fantastic time tonight. Thank you.’ Reaching up, she pulled Billy towards her and kissed him but this time it wasn’t a quick peck. He began to suspect she was as mucky as Becki when her soft, warm hands slipped under his shirt, tracing up towards his hair-free chest. Billy had experienced quite a lengthy dry spell since his ex-girlfriend, Louise moved out and his body sprang into action from the lightest touch, more than ready to rectify that fact. Clare murmured against his lips as Billy drew her closer to his body and a celebration began in his trousers. Yes! Yes! She is as mucky as Becki. Finally, some action!

  But action wasn’t to be. The door swung open and Ruth bounded into the room, her face flushed and grin wide.

  ‘Y
ou’ll never guess how much I lost at Weight Watchers. I was – oh, shit, sorry. You’re busy.’ Ruth backed away from the sofa, retreating into the hallway but Clare stopped her.

  ‘No, no, it’s fine. Really.’ She removed herself from Billy’s lap and smoothed her T-shirt. ‘Hello again, Ruth. We met at the pub a couple of weeks ago.’

  Ruth nodded and extended a hand. ‘Hello. It’s nice to see you again.’ A moment before Clare took her hand, it dawned on Ruth that there was a good chance Clare’s hand had just been acquainted with Billy’s ‘little friend’, and, although the thought made her grimace it was too late and Clare’s hand was wrapped around hers.

  ‘Since when do you go to Weight Watchers?’ Billy asked. ‘I thought you were just cutting back.’

  ‘I was.’ Ruth tried to be subtle in wiping her hand down her T-shirt. ‘But it didn’t work. It turns out I’m a greedy pig without control. Funny that. So I decided to sign up for Weight Watchers. There’s no motivation like the humiliation of standing on the scales in front of an audience. I was lucky and lost weight this week – four pounds by the way – but imagine if I’d put weight on. I’ll picture the mortification next time I want a Mars bar.’

  ‘Well done. Four pounds is fantastic.’

  Ruth beamed at Clare. ‘Thank you. It feels amazing to have lost it.’ She was about to plonk herself in the armchair when she caught Billy’s eye. His face was screaming fuck off, Ruth and she decided it was best to follow its instructions. ‘Anyway, I’m exhausted after all that weight loss. I’m going to go up for an early night.’

  ‘Goodnight, Ruth.’ Billy, eager to be alone with Clare again and finish what they’d started, had to repel against the desire to elbow Ruth out of the room and shut the door.

  ‘I should be getting home, actually.’

  ‘But it’s still pretty early.’ Billy wasn’t sure whether it was his mouth or his penis that cried out as Clare shoved her feet into her boots and grabbed her jacket.