A Beginner's Guide To Salad

by Jennifer Joyce

  Jared only suspected Sammy had a thing for him, but he knew, without a doubt, that Angelina did. She bit her cranberry red lips and leant back on the desk, flashing the tops of her stockings and the hint of a suspender belt as she crossed one leg over the other. Her arms pressed into the sides of her bosom, shoving her cleavage up to her chin as she peeped at Jared through thick Bambi-like lashes.

  ‘Isn’t that a novel question? I’m usually asking men how I can help them. Is there anything you need help with, Jared?’

  Jared held back a sigh as she flicked her thick mane of hair over her shoulder. He didn’t have time for this. ‘No thank you, Angelina.’ He wheeled himself an inch away from Angelina, as close to his computer as he could manage without the desk cutting into his torso. Undeterred, Angelina hooked a stilettoed foot into the armrest of the chair and wheeled him back again. Jared snapped his eyes away as the movement gave him full view of Angelina’s gusset.

  ‘Are you coming to Kelvin’s birthday bash? You did get the email, didn’t you?’

  Jared had received the email but he wasn’t planning on attending the party, finding Kelvin Shuttleworth to be slimy and condescending. He’d shaken his hand once and Jared could still feel Kelvin’s sweat seeping into his pores. ‘I don’t think I can make it.’

  ‘And why not?’ Jared couldn’t conjure a lie quick enough and Angelina gave a nod, her lips spreading into a smile. ‘I see.’ Slipping off the desk, she hopped onto the armrest of Jared’s chair and ran a blood red tipped finger along his cheek. ‘Don’t worry, babe. We can show our faces for ten minutes and then sneak off to somewhere more intimate.’

  Jared was not a wimp by any standard but Angelina terrified him and he felt trapped, pinned to the chair by a woman possessed. No man had ever turned Angelina down – not since her second boob job – and she wasn’t about to let Jared slip through her fingers.

  Jared’s mind whirred but he somehow managed to claw an excuse and was about to tell Angelina about his poor, sick granny who needed his attention more than Kelvin Shuttleworth when Angelina spoke again.

  ‘Everyone will be there, especially all the other managers. It won’t look good if you’re not there.’

  Crap. Angelina was right. He’d only been working at H. Woods for a few weeks so he should socialise and get to know people beyond Purchasing.

  Seeing the resignation on Jared’s face, Angelina clapped her hands. ‘We need to sort you out before you go.’ She almost toppled off the armrest as Jared leapt from his chair and she giggled once she’d righted herself. ‘I didn’t mean like that, you naughty boy. I meant that.’ She pointed at Jared’s throat before reaching for his tie. She’d whipped it off and unfastened his top button before Jared could even blink. ‘That’s better. You don’t look quite so stuffy. Perhaps we should undo another one.’ Or two.

  Jared clapped a hand to his throat. ‘One is enough, thank you.’

  Angelina gave a shrug. ‘Suit yourself. Shall we go?’

  The Bonnie Dundee was plonked at the exit of the business park and was small, dark and dingy with dust covering most surfaces and the floor was grubby and sticky. Caterers had provided a huge buffet spanning the whole of the back wall and every other available space was taken up by bodies. With barely room to draw breath, it was proving more difficult for Jared to ditch Angelina than anticipated but when she coerced him into a corner and grabbed his arse, he knew he had to escape. Fleeing to the loo, he waited until she’d moved on, chatting up the ancient maintenance manager, before he sneaked back into the crowd. He planned to snake his way to the exit when he spotted Ruth, the lovely girl from the kitchen. She was the most genuine person he’d met at H. Woods and while he couldn’t wait to break free and go home, he found himself approaching her for a quick chat.

  ‘Can I get you a drink? To say thank you for all your help with my lunches?’ It wasn’t the best opener but he couldn’t think of anything else to say and thankfully she accepted. Jared fought his way to the bar and somehow caught the attention of the bar maid. She had to be approaching her pension and, being hard of hearing, coupled with the din of too many bodies packed into a small space, it made it difficult to order the drinks, but she got it after the fourth attempt.

  ‘Mind if I join you?’ Jared hadn’t anticipated staying longer but he’d bought himself a drink now.

  ‘You’ve just bought me a drink. I can hardly say no.’ Ruth smiled and it was a warm smile, not devilish like Angelina’s. He sat down on a vacant stool next to Ruth’s and took a sip of his drink while he tried to think of something witty or vaguely interesting to say but his mind was blank.

  Speaking to Ruth about his missing lunch wasn’t the first time Jared had noticed her. It was around six weeks earlier that he’d spotted Ruth in reception as he waited for his interview slot, her laugh grabbing his attention as she chatted to the receptionist. The warm, booming laugh bubbled from her throat and it had made Jared smile as he wondered what they’d been chatting about to provoke such a reaction.

  ‘So did you have lunch here yesterday?’ Jared had failed to find an opening topic and was feeling like a bit of an imbecile until Ruth took the lead.

  ‘I did and you were right.’ The music blared so Jared leant towards Ruth to make sure she could hear him. Her sweet, floral perfume hit him full force and scrambled his brain. ‘It was rubbery.’

  Smooth, Jared. Real smooth.

  ‘Has he gone?’

  Jared followed Ruth’s gaze and took in the pretty girl with Cher-like hair, her hands planted on her hips.

  ‘Who?’ Ruth asked her.

  Jared couldn’t quite catch the girl’s response over the noise but he couldn’t miss her scowl, which vanished as she turned her head towards him. She smiled then, which was more Angelina-like than Ruth-like and made Jared nervous. ‘Oh, hello. I don’t believe we’ve met.’

  ‘Sorry, this is Jared Williams, the new purchasing manager. Jared, this is Erin. She works in Sales and Marketing and is my very best friend.’

  ‘Hello, Erin.’ Jared extended a hand, which Erin took in a dainty hold.

  ‘Pleased to meet you, Jared. Very pleased.’ She winked at him and Jared wished he’d followed his instincts earlier. He could have been half way home by now.

  ‘Will you excuse me? I won’t be a minute.’ Ruth rose from her seat, which Erin plonked herself down in immediately. She placed a hand on Jared’s bare forearm, running her fingers over the pale hairs.

  ‘So you’ve been hiding away in Purchasing then?’

  Jared snatched his arm away and was about to excuse himself when he spotted Angelina out of the corner of his eye, sashaying towards him, her face set in determination. To try and put her off, Jared threw back his head and laughed in uproar. Erin’s brow, quite understandably, furrowed so he leant in close to whisper his plea. ‘Angelina Littleman is on her way over. She won’t leave me alone. Please help me.’

  Erin gave a slight nod of her head. ‘That woman’s like a bitch on heat. Leave it to me.’ Placing her hand on Jared’s chest, she too threw her head back and laughed and when she righted herself, still giggling, she leaned in close, her lips brushing Jared’s ear. ‘Do you want me to sit on your lap?’

  ‘That won’t be necessary. I think she’s got the picture.’ Angelina’s face barely acknowledged Jared as she passed the table and kept on going until she was out of sight. ‘Thank you.’

  Erin flicked her long mane of hair over her shoulder as she gave a shrug. ‘No problem. I’ll use any excuse to get Angelina’s back up.’

  Jared had managed to avoid Angelina for the remainder of the party and all through the following Monday and he thought he’d got away with it as the office began to empty. He let out a puff of air but soon sucked it back in again as Angelina stepped into his office, closing the door behind her. Jared’s eyes flicked to the open blinds of his office and was alarmed to see that the entire department had filed away for the evening. They were very alone.

  ‘Finally. I didn’t
think I’d get the chance to speak to you today.’ Angelina’s tone wasn’t angry as she moved towards the desk but instead of giving him a lap dance, she placed herself in the chair on the other side of his desk. She didn’t seem cross at being sidestepped on Friday. In fact, she was eerily calm. ‘I thought I should give you a little warning, about Erin. I really think you ought to stay away from her.’ Despite, or perhaps because of the pleasant tone, Jared checked his scissors and letter opener weren’t within reaching distance. ‘I know she’s young and reasonably pretty but she has a bit of a reputation. She’s slept with most of the male employees here and she never goes back for seconds.’ Angelina flicked her hair over her shoulder and the sudden movement caused Jared to jump in fright. ‘I don’t like to label people personally but she’s known as the office bike.’

  ‘Thank you for the advice.’ Jared opened his drawer and tried to think of a way of slipping the sharp stationery inside without drawing attention to them. ‘I appreciate it.’

  ‘I hope you do. And I hope you take my word for it.’ Angelina rose from the chair and thankfully she strolled out of Jared’s office without a backward glance or the use of any violence.

  TEN

  Ruth

  ‘What’s this?’ Erin jabbed at the food in front of her with her fork, her top lip curled and nose wrinkled.

  ‘It’s a butternut squash and feta salad.’

  Erin’s body gave a sudden jolt and I thought she was going to heave. ‘It looks like spew.’

  ‘It does not. It’s too chunky for vomit.’ I took a forkful and forced myself to eat it without gagging. I’d never eaten butternut squash before and I doubted I ever would again willingly. The smell alone as Billy chopped it ready to roast for me was enough to put me off, but I’d committed to this Weight Watchers malarkey and was determined to lose the weight and if that meant eating new things that I didn’t particularly like, then so be it.

  ‘What are these little seedy bits?’

  ‘Seeds.’ I didn’t even need to look at what Erin was poking now and was quite saddened that she’d had to ask.

  ‘Seeds? As in seeds?’

  ‘Yep.’

  ‘Seeds? Do I look like a bird?’

  I wasn’t so keen on eating seeds myself, but if it helped me shed the weight, I’d give them a go. I had a meeting that evening and I was quietly confident about the loss I was about to achieve. I’d been good all week, getting Billy to cook nutritional meals from scratch and only partaking in healthy snacks. Not one crisp had passed my lips and I hadn’t so much as sniffed a chocolate bar. This week was going to be a tremendous week, I could tell. The previous week, after my spectacular fail at Kelvin’s party, I’d lost a pound and while it wasn’t an amazing loss, I was grateful not to have put back on the six pounds I’d lost over the last two weeks. I’d really gone for it at the buffet, stuffing my cheeks with sausage rolls and scotch eggs like a hamster in an attempt to block out the searing disappointment that Erin had muscled in on Jared. I’d never for a minute thought I stood a chance with him, but it was nice chatting to him and being paid attention to. So it was gutting to become invisible the moment Erin wandered into his line of vision. I’d only been gone thirty seconds before Erin was practically nibbling his ear.

  Lucky cow. The thought of nibbling any part of Jared’s anatomy filled my stomach with bubbles that fizzled downwards and made me moan with pleasure.

  ‘Don’t pretend they taste delicious, Ruth. They’re seeds. Birds eat seeds – people don’t.’

  ‘Birds are skinny. Maybe they’re getting it right.’

  Erin spluttered. ‘Are you kidding me? Have you seen the fat bastard pigeons in Manchester? I was in Piccadilly Gardens last weekend and nearly got knocked out by one. It was like a boulder.’

  ‘Ok, maybe not pigeons…’ I tucked into my meal while Erin pushed hers into the middle of the table, refusing to even try it. The old Ruth would have cleared Erin’s plate too, whether it tasted like chunky spew or not, but this brand new Ruth was much stronger and wiser than that. I scraped the leftovers into the bin immediately before temptation could take hold and dumped the plates in the sink.

  The front door opened and closed, followed by footsteps heading for the kitchen. I knew it wouldn’t be Billy as he was out with Clare again. Which left only one other possibility. I closed my eyes in preparation before Theo crashed into the room, kicking the door open and slinging his jacket on the back of a chair.

  ‘I didn’t think you’d be in. Aren’t you supposed to be at Chub Club?’

  My housemate Theo, as charming as ever. Erin’s mouth gaped open, disgusted on my behalf. ‘Chub Club? Do you have to be an insensitive prick twenty-four hours a day?’

  Theo put a hand to his heart and took a little skip backwards. ‘Oh, Erin, it’s you. Sorry, I didn’t recognise you with your clothes on.’

  Erin narrowed her eyes and gave a slow shake of her head. ‘You have never seen me without my clothes on. And you never will.’

  ‘Then aren’t I the lucky one?’ Theo moved over to the fridge for a rummage but, seeing all my healthy stuff in there, quickly closed it again. ‘What time are you off out? I’ve got a friend coming over.’ He winked at Erin, who pulled the same face she’d used while observing her butternut squash.

  ‘We’re going now.’ It was a little early but I grabbed Erin’s hand and tugged her out of the kitchen, away from the vast supply of deadly weapons. The kitchen was the worst place to wind up Erin, what with all the knives, frying pans and rolling pins hanging around, ready to inflict damage. Erin and Theo had never got along, probably because they were both so similar. Both were persistently young, free and single and all too willing to drop their pants, although, thankfully, not for each other. That really would be unbearable.

  ‘I don’t know how you put up with him,’ Erin grumbled as we wandered along Oak Road.

  ‘He’s not all bad.’

  ‘No?’

  I shook my head, though I couldn’t pinpoint any good qualities at such short notice. ‘Anyway, enough about Theo. I’m about to weigh in so I need thin, fabulous thoughts.’

  ‘And not arrogant, knobhead thoughts. Yes, I see your point.’ Erin linked her arm through mine as we turned onto the main road, discussing the kind of dress I would wear to the reunion. I wasn’t sure of the exact details but I knew it had to be gorgeous and slinky and not a hint of sack-of-potatoes about it.

  The church hall was just past the bus stop and a bus was pulling up, so we said a quick goodbye before Erin jumped on board, blowing me a kiss and wishing me luck. I waved until she disappeared from view and continued on my way, crossing over to the hall. I was the first one there, even beating Thin Lizzie (not her actual name, obviously, but I didn’t know what she was called. It had to be something morbid – Morticia, perhaps) and so I was saved the repeated tale of her miraculous weight loss. The door to the hall was locked so I perched on a low wall while I waited, checking the time every twenty seconds or so. I couldn’t wait to get inside and hop on the scales, already celebrating my loss inside. It had to be quite high, beating my four pound record by far.

  ‘You’re early.’

  I jumped as Morticia appeared from behind the thick bushes surrounding the church hall and shuffled her way towards me.

  ‘You must be keen.’

  ‘I suppose I am, yes.’ I couldn’t help my great mood displaying itself on my face, my smile so wide I was sure my tonsils were on display. Morticia didn’t appear to be in a great mood, her lips downturned, her eyes dull behind thick lashes. She took a seat next to me on the wall and we couldn’t have looked more different; her in brown tracksuit bottoms and a black padded jacket, her face blank and immobile while I wore a turquoise wrap around dress and a pink denim jacket, grinning like a loon.

  ‘You’ve lost so much weight and can’t have much more to go. Why do you still come to the meetings?’

  Morticia’s dark eyes focused on mine and narrowed slightly but otherwise her face rem
ained the same. ‘This.’ She indicated the church hall. ‘Is for life. It isn’t a quick fix. If I stopped coming to meetings, I’d end up back like you within weeks.’

  ‘Oh.’ Thanks.

  Morticia’s words took the edge off my good mood. Could I face a lifetime of butternut squash and seeds? I’d only focused on the reunion but what happened after that? Did I go back to gorging on crap and ballooning to my original size? It was a horrible thought but eating salad for the rest of my days wasn’t any more appealing.

  ‘Wendy’s here.’ Morticia rose from the wall and shuffled towards our leader, who was separating the church hall key from a huge set. The hall was cold but it soon warmed up after Wendy turned the heating on. Morticia and I helped set out the chairs while we waited for the others to arrive. The room suddenly filled up with bodies and chatter until Wendy quietened us all down and began her talk for the evening before the weigh in began. My feet were jittery as I waited for my turn, eager to step on the scales so the celebrations could begin. I daydreamed about how much I’d lost – five pounds? Six? Maybe even seven. Imagine that. Half a stone.

  ‘Ruth?’ Wendy motioned for me to join her at the scales, partitioned off for privacy and humiliation reduction. I wanted to drag the scales out into the open so everybody could see how well I’d done.

  ‘Ready?’ Wendy smiled at me and gave me some room. I stepped onto the scales and my eyes widened at the display. That couldn’t be right. It wasn’t possible.

  ‘It’s the same as last week.’