A Beginner's Guide To Salad

by Jennifer Joyce

  ‘It didn’t work out, I guess?’

  ‘Something like that.’ Jared cleared his throat and concentrated on draining his glass, wishing he’d never brought Frances into the conversation.

  ‘How long were you together?’

  ‘I don’t really want to talk about it.’ Jared’s words came out harsher than intended and he saw the flash of hurt on Ruth’s face but, although he wanted to soothe her, he really couldn’t bring himself to discuss his relationship with Frances. ‘Sorry.’

  ‘It’s ok.’

  ‘It’s just difficult, you know?’

  Ruth nodded and this time it was Jared’s hand being given a comforting squeeze. ‘Shall I get us another drink?’

  Jared nodded, fighting the urge to jump in his car and drive home so he could be alone, possibly with an awful lot of beer to drown out his thoughts and feelings.

  It took a couple of days for Jared’s body to unwind, for his jaw to unclench and the need to soothe the ache inside with alcohol to abate. He knew he was being foolish, that feeling down wasn’t going to help anybody, especially himself, and the last thing he wanted to do was ruin his friendship with Ruth. She didn’t know about Frances and what had happened. She didn’t know about their baby, the son Jared had never had the chance to hold before he was whisked away from his life. He didn’t even know what colour eyes Barney had. His only reassurance was that he was with Frances and Jared knew, above all else, that Frances would be a wonderful mother.

  So Jared picked himself up and as he came through the fog once again, he felt the need to see Ruth. Not to explain – he didn’t feel ready for that – but to spend time with her, to hear her laugh and see her smile. To try to make up for being such an arsehole over the past few days. The urge was so sudden, he found himself driving to her house without calling first. He was at the door, finger pressing the doorbell before it occurred to him that Ruth may not even be in and, even if she was, would she want to see him on a Saturday afternoon? Weekends were her free time and he was invading her precious day away from work, but it was too late. The bell had rung and he could hear footsteps in the hall.

  ‘Jared, hi.’ Ruth looked surprised to see him but she was smiling so that was a positive sign.

  ‘Hi.’ Jared faltered. What was he supposed to do now? Tell her that he’d been desperate to see her? Perhaps not. ‘It’s a lovely day, so I thought we could go for a run in the park.’

  Ruth barked out a laugh, the noise sudden and filling the air around them. ‘I hate to break it to you, Jared, but I don’t run.’

  ‘We can walk then.’ They could sit on a bench if it meant they could spend the afternoon together.

  ‘A walk? Yes, I suppose we could do that. Come in for a minute while I change.’ Ruth moved aside, closing the door behind Jared as he stepped into the hallway. ‘Do you want to wait in the sitting room? Don’t worry, the others aren’t home. Billy’s out with his girlfriend and Theo didn’t come home last night.’

  Jared perched on the sofa, taking in his surroundings while he waited for Ruth. The sitting room looked like a stand at a technology convention with every conceivable games console set up by the television, including retro consoles such as a SNES and a Megadrive. Various controllers were scattered about the room and a laptop was closed on the coffee table.

  ‘Sorry about that. I couldn’t go for a walk in those shoes.’ Ruth glided into the sitting room wearing black jogging bottoms, a white long-sleeved T-shirt and a purple fur-lined gilet and trainers. ‘Shall we get going?’

  They drove across town to a large park, which was packed with families spending their Saturday wandering through the animal centre, picnicking on the vast expanse of parkland, tossing a Frisbee or racing through the woods. Ruth and Jared made it once around the large boating lake before they collapsed on a bench with an ice cream.

  ‘My mum and dad used to bring us here when we were kids,’ Ruth said, glancing around at the dozens upon dozens of families milling around. ‘I used to love going to see the peacocks. Do you think they’re still here?’

  ‘We can go and have a look if you want.’

  Ruth’s head almost bounced off her neck as she nodded, leaping from the bench. They strolled through the park towards the animal centre, which housed goats, pigs, chickens, ducks, rabbits and, to Ruth’s delight, peacocks.

  ‘They’re beautiful, don’t you think?’ she asked as a peacock opened his tail feathers to reveal the blue and green plumes that always reminded Ruth of jewels.

  ‘Yes. Beautiful.’ But Jared wasn’t watching the peacock. His eyes were on Ruth, on her bright eyes and wide smile, her hands against the mesh to be as close to the birds as possible.

  ‘My brother used to tease me and say we were going to take one of the peacocks home for tea.’ Ruth laughed at the memory. ‘I used to go mental, begging my dad not to kill the poor peacock and offering to make us cheese on toast instead. I fell for it every time.’

  ‘Are you close to your brother?’

  Ruth forced herself away from the peacock enclosure and looped her arm through Jared’s as they made their way to the animal centre’s courtyard, which housed the visitors centre, a café and gift shop. In the centre of the courtyard was a wishing well and Ruth automatically reached into her purse for a coin.

  ‘We are but I don’t get to see him very often any more. He lives in New York with his wife and kids.’

  ‘You must miss him.’

  Ruth nodded. ‘A lot. But I have Billy, and he’s like a brother.’ She stopped at the brick wall of the well, closed her eyes and made a wish before dropping the coin, listening to hear it plop at the bottom. Jared copied the action, wishing for Frances to return with their son, even though he knew it was never going to happen.

  ‘Shall we go for a coffee?’ he asked, needing to be away from the wishing well and his crazy dream. The café was crammed but they bought their coffees to take out and returned to the courtyard, perching on a low wall. Children ran around the courtyard, chasing one another and climbing on the small green tractor that had been stationed outside the visitors centre for as long as Ruth could remember. She watched them, fascinated by their different personalities. You could tell which children were going to grow into mean girls in their teenage years, their hair already perfect and with the hint of eye shadow and lip gloss, their clothes on trend. They carried an air of importance about them and sent the less bolshie girls to do their bidding. There was a chubby boy on the outskirts, clearly wanting to join in the fun but too shy to ask and Ruth felt for him, willing him on.

  ‘Do you ever think about having kids?’ Ruth blew on her coffee before taking a tentative sip. She didn’t notice Jared stiffen beside her.

  ‘It’s complicated for me.’

  ‘But not impossible. Not these days.’

  Jared sloshed his hot coffee down his leg as he leapt from the wall. ‘Shall we start heading back to the car? It’s getting late.’

  Ruth checked her watch. It wasn’t yet three o’clock but perhaps Jared had plans. ‘Good idea. I said I’d meet up with Erin for a quick drink before her date with -’ She stopped herself but pretended it was to take a sip of coffee. ‘Before her date. Are you ok? You’re looking a bit pale.’

  ‘I’m fine.’ Jared offered a smile, but he was far from fine. It was so frustrating. One minute he could feel a sense of contentment and the next he was back to square one, desperation gnawing at his gut.

  ‘Are you sure?’ Ruth slipped her arm through Jared’s but he inched away. He couldn’t act like everything was normal because he doubted it ever would be.

  THIRTY

  Ruth

  My hand automatically went up to my mouth at the top of the staircase, my lungs taking in their last bout of fresh air before I scurried into the office and threw open the windows. The fog dissipated but refused to leave completely. Kelvin had been camping in his office for weeks and there was a permanent staleness to the air now, no matter how wide the windows were wedged or how
much air freshener I blasted the rooms with. I now needed regular breaks from my desk, to take a few deep breaths of fresh air before I passed out. It was like working in a teenage boy’s sock drawer and I didn’t know how much more I could take.

  ‘Ruth? Is that you?’

  I braced myself as I made way towards Kelvin’s office, both for the smell as I opened the door and the sight that would greet me. I’d seen more of Kelvin since Susan had given him the boot than I’d wish on my worst enemy and often dreamt about his pale, saggy chest, waking in a cold sweat.

  ‘Yes, Kelvin?’ Thankfully he was fully clothed, already sitting behind his desk, his window wide. I expected to be sent out on an errand – perhaps he needed new underpants or a new pack of razors.

  Kelvin’s gaze dropped to his fingers poised on his keyboard. He spoke briskly and without looking up at me. ‘I need you to send flowers to Susan. The biggest bouquet you can.’

  ‘For Susan? Your wife?’

  Two patches of purple appeared on Kelvin’s cheeks. ‘That’s what I said, isn’t it? Do it now. Send them to the house with a nice note. Make sure it says sorry and that I… well, you know.’ He wafted his hand and rolled his eyes.

  ‘Love her?’

  ‘Mmm. Go on then, get on with it. My back can’t take that floor anymore.’ To demonstrate, he placed a hand on the small of his back and groaned.

  I smiled to myself as I retreated from his office. Susan had won the war and so had my nostrils.

  I ordered the most expensive flowers and dictated a gushing note before phoning Jared to tell him the good news. I’d found having Jared to gossip with a godsend as Erin was usually too busy planning secret dates with Stuart from Accounts. Things seemed to be going well with the pair and they’d even gone away to Paris for the weekend yet I was still sworn to secrecy. It was strange to witness my best friend falling in love, no matter how much she protested that they were merely going on the odd date and having amazingly hot sex, and I couldn’t help feeling a tinge of jealousy. Not only was Erin blissfully happy, I felt like she was slipping away from me. But still, I had Jared and we were becoming quite close. He’d already told Erin and even Angelina that he was gay so I thought I was imagining our growing bond until he confided in me about Francis, his ex-boyfriend. He hadn’t said much as it was obviously still raw and I didn’t want to push him, but I was pleased he’d finally let me in when I was beginning to suspect he never would.

  It was a glorious summer day, so Jared and I met at the bench in the corner of the car park. It had once been mine and Erin’s meeting point, but Jared and I used it more often these days, meeting there most lunchtimes with our sandwiches.

  ‘Good news about Kelvin.’

  I nodded as I plonked myself down next to Jared on the bench. ‘My lungs are very relieved. We may be able to breathe properly by the end of the week.’

  ‘If she takes him back.’ Jared took a huge bite of his sandwich, his cheeks bulging as he smiled at my aghast face.

  ‘She has to.’ The carrot had been dangled before me. Susan couldn’t tease me like this.

  Jared patted my knee, his fingers brushing the bare skin where my skirt had ridden up slightly, and I felt a stirring in my gut. A whimper catapulted itself from my chest but I managed to catch it in my throat.

  ‘I’m sure she will. And if not, Kelvin will have to find somewhere more permanent to live. He can’t sleep on his office floor forever.’

  ‘Can’t he? He’s a stubborn bastard and stingy too.’ I lifted my face to the sun, closing my eyes against the glare. Perhaps I should have wished for a reconciliation between Kelvin and Susan at the wishing well a few weeks ago instead of wishing to miraculously drop to a size 10 before the reunion.

  ‘Haven’t you got your assessment at the gym tonight?’ I was grateful when Jared changed the subject. I could worry about Kelvin and his stench when I returned to the office after lunch. ‘I bet you’re looking forward to seeing the wonderful Courtney.’

  I gave a shrug of my shoulders, the shine having started to dim on the gorgeous Courtney. He was still gorgeous of course but I’d become accustomed to his beauty and no longer drooled when he came into view.

  ‘I’m looking forward to seeing how much weight I’ve lost.’ I’d been much more active over the last six weeks, attending the Zumba and yoga classes each week, walking to work and then home again on the non-gym days. Jared and I also met up at the weekend for a stroll in the park or a wander around town (hey, shopping is exercise). I loved yoga and Camilla had managed to contort my body into positions I didn’t think were possible – if I ever found myself a boyfriend, I would be sure to put them to good use. And, quite surprisingly, I enjoyed the Zumba class too. I was still useless and as co-ordinated as a drunken three-legged donkey with a blindfold but it was fun and I had a laugh with Jared. I also enjoyed the drink we had in the pub afterwards, even if Jared did mock my (far superior) choice of music. I no longer bothered with the women-only aerobics as Tahlia was beyond annoying and I didn’t have Jared there to join in with taking the piss out of her perkiness. Besides, I felt fantastic with the exercise I was doing and was sure the pounds must be falling off.

  ‘Three? Three pounds?’ I stared at Courtney and then back at the scales before jumping off as though they had scalded the soles of my feet. ‘Three pounds in six weeks is… is…’ I struggled to find the words to describe the direness of my weight loss. ‘It’s shit.’

  Courtney placed a hand on my arm and gave a small shrug. ‘It is coming off. Slowly. Let’s review your diet and exercise and see if there’s any way we can tweak it to see some more improvement.’

  Some more improvement? I needed vast improvement and fast. The reunion was a month away and although my clothes were feeling a little loose, I hadn’t even dropped one measly dress size. Drastic action was needed.

  Courtney suggested swimming as an all-round exercise and so I started to go to the women-only session on a Sunday afternoon to avoid being ridiculed in my swimming costume. I wasn’t the best swimmer but I gave it my best shot, powering my way from one end of the pool to the other until my vision blurred and I started to see stars. By that point I barely had the energy to crawl out of the water and couldn’t speak for a good half an hour but I knew I’d pushed myself as much as possible.

  ‘Doesn’t the lack of nearly naked men bother you?’ Erin had taken a break from servicing Stuart from Accounts to meet me for a drink in the pub and couldn’t understand why I would attend a women-only session at the pool and sacrifice a good ogle. But then she was thin.

  ‘Nobody would fancy me in my swimming costume, so what would be the point?’

  Erin gave a tut. ‘Stop putting yourself down. You’re so pretty and a lovely person too. You’re much nicer than I’ll ever be.’ Her eyes widened and she grasped my hand, suddenly inspired. ‘Why don’t you come with me to my salsa class? I know you’ve said no before, but you weren’t on this stupid mission back then. Salsa is great exercise and it’s a great place to meet sexy men.’

  It was true that I had turned down Erin’s class in the past, mainly due to my severe lack of co-ordination, but desperation was beginning to claw at me, reminding me on an hourly basis how close the reunion was. I needed all the exercise I could fit into my life so maybe salsa wasn’t such a bad idea anymore.

  ‘I could invite Jared too.’ He hadn’t had a boyfriend since Francis, and that relationship had ended years ago from what I could gather, given that Jared was not prepared to talk about it. With all those wriggling hips and mincing around the dance floor, I was sure salsa would be the perfect place for him to meet a man too.

  ‘You fancy him, don’t you?’ Erin smirked when I tried to deny it, her eyebrows lifting to her hairline. ‘It’s ok to fancy him, Ruth. He’s gorgeous. But you should be concentrating on men who want to jump you, not borrow your shoes.’

  ‘Jared doesn’t wear women’s clothes.’

  ‘Whatever. Are you coming with me or not?’


  I did go to the class, feeling like an elephant in contrast to the slim women as they shimmied around the dance floor, tossing their hair and running their hands up and down their tiny frames, but I wasn’t the only large person attending the class. I was paired with a rotund man named Jeremy who had been dragged to the class by his sister, eager for him to meet a nice girl and settle down. Unfortunately, Jeremy was even clumsier than I was and I left the class with a black eye, courtesy of his elbow, and a suspected broken toe.

  ‘I’m never going back there.’ I slumped on my sofa, a bag of frozen peas pressed to my right eye.

  ‘Why don’t you try a different kind of class? I go to one on a Wednesday evening and it’s women only, just like you prefer, and it doesn’t involve partners with pointy elbows.’

  I studied Erin through my good eye. ‘Women only you say?’

  So I found myself meeting up with Erin the following Wednesday evening, my right eye still tender but the bruising fading and hidden behind a layer of foundation. We ended up on an industrial estate, making our way towards a small shutter-fronted unit.

  ‘Don’t worry, it’s much more glam inside,’ Erin assured me. I followed Erin into the unit, turning straight back around and heading home again as soon as I spotted the poles.

  THIRTY-ONE

  Billy

  Billy woke feeling suffocated, one of Clare’s legs thrown over his thighs, her arm across his chest pinning him to the bed. The sun was already blaring through the curtains despite the early hour, heating the room, which only added to his sense of being smothered. Turning, he tried to ease Clare’s body to the other side of the bed but she only clung on tighter. He tried again, pushing a little harder and Clare successfully rolled away. The movement stirred Clare so Billy clamped his eyes shut, pretending he hadn’t purposely pushed her away.