With my eyes to the ground, I left the gym and wandered to the bus stop. I usually walked home from my secret sessions at the gym to snatch a few more minutes of exercise, but that day I felt too dejected. I didn’t notice the streets passing me by as I sat on the stuffy bus but rose automatically at my stop and shuffled my way home.
‘What’s up with your face? You look even more miserable than usual.’ Theo and Billy were playing on the Playstation in the sitting room, and Theo looked taken aback when I refused to respond and instead flopped onto the sofa, still wearing my gym clothes. ‘Jesus, it must be bad. I’ll fuck off upstairs so you two can chat.’ Theo raced out of the sitting room, his feet thundering on the stairs while Billy turned off the console and sat beside me.
‘I haven’t showered,’ I warned him as he wrapped his arms around me.
‘Do you think I care about that? Come here.’
It felt good to be wrapped in Billy’s arms. It felt safe and being fat didn’t matter for the moment. I’d known Billy forever and we’d been through a lot together. I’d only been eight when his mum died, but even then I’d felt his pain and wished I could take it away. I’d known Patricia was really ill because we weren’t allowed to go over to Billy’s house to play any more and when we were playing out at the front we had to keep the noise down as Patricia was resting. But I didn’t know she was going to die. Death was for old people and hamsters, not mums of ten-year-old boys. But she did die and our house was filled with a strange atmosphere that day. Mum’s eyes were red and swollen, though she tried to hide it and was overly jolly, making us bacon sandwiches for breakfast. I remember the clump of bread lodging in my throat as she told us about Patricia, telling us we had to be extremely kind to Billy because he would be very upset. I was confused and afraid. Would my mum die too? I followed her around the house until it was time to go to school and I clung to her at the gates, crying because I didn’t want her to leave me like Billy’s mum had left him.
Billy wasn’t at school and he didn’t come to our house at home time. I’d grown accustomed to him being there for tea over the past few months, thinking it was fun to have him around all the time and not realising it was because Patricia was too ill to take care of him any more. So while Billy’s dad was at work, Billy came round to our house but he wasn’t there that day.
‘He’s gone to say goodbye to his mummy,’ Mum explained and my little brow furrowed.
‘So she’s not dead yet then?’
Mum had dropped to her knees and pulled me into a hug. I thought it was mum comforting me until I felt her shoulders shaking and I wrapped my little arms around her and held her as tightly as I could, like she did when I was upset. Mum didn’t explain about the saying goodbye thing but I knew Patricia must have been dead because why else would she be crying?
It was late when Billy turned up. I was already in bed but I crept out onto the landing when I heard the knock at the door. Billy and his dad were in the hallway talking to Mum.
‘He wanted to come over and see Stephen. I told him it’s late but…’
‘No, no it’s fine. Go through to the sitting room and I’ll go and get him.’ Mum had smiled down at Billy, stroking his curly hair with the palm of her hand. When she turned to climb the stairs, there were tears already streaming down her cheeks.
Mum didn’t say anything as I passed her on the stairs, tiptoeing into the sitting room in my pyjamas, my favourite teddy tucked under my arm. Billy was sitting in Dad’s chair, stiff and staring at the wallpaper on the opposite wall, while Dad and Brian went into the kitchen for a slug of whiskey.
‘Hi, Billy.’ I crept towards the chair, hesitating before climbing up onto his lap. Billy looked different, his eyes hollow and swollen, the skin around his lips pink. ‘Are you alright?’
Billy nodded and smiled but his lips wobbled and a tear fell onto his cheek.
‘Me and Stephen will look after you. I promise.’ I kissed Billy on the cheek and wrapped my arms around him, resting my head on his chest.
Not that I’d been much good at looking after Billy. It had always been the other way round, even before I turned up on his doorstep, heartbroken over Zack. He’d looked out for me at school, helped me with my homework and acted as a go-between whenever Stephen and I fell out. I was a grown woman now and he was still looking after me.
‘What’s wrong, Ruth?’
I wiped my eyes but found I was too exhausted to even cry. ‘Everything. Look at me.’
‘Well, you’re a bit sweaty but other than that you look fine.’ Billy smiled at me and I tried to join in, but I couldn’t.
‘The reunion is next Saturday and I’m still fat. I wanted to be thin and gorgeous by the time we went.’ I laughed at my foolishness but my still tight chest repelled the action and turned it into a coughing fit.
‘Ruth.’ Billy’s tone was hard and when I looked at him, his jaw was set, his brown eyes focused on mine. ‘When are you going to realise you are gorgeous? You don’t need to lose weight for some prick you haven’t seen in years. You’re perfect the way you are.’
I smiled at Billy, still taking care of me and trying to make me feel better about myself despite my obvious flaws. I didn’t know what I’d do without him.
‘Thank you, Billy.’
‘I mean it, Ruth.’ He kissed me on the cheek, as I had done when we were kids and he’d been hurting, and for one crazy moment I imagined turning my head and kissing him on the lips. I’d never thought about kissing Billy in any way other than as an act of friendship but found myself wondering what it would feel like to kiss Billy, to feel his arms around me in a non-comforting capacity. The thought shocked me and I shook it from my head, angling my body away from Billy’s as I reached for the remote.
‘Shall we watch last week’s Beginner’s Guide?’ I’d been so busy at the gym I’d neglected our weekly ritual.
‘Yeah. Let’s watch it.’
I put the show on but I didn’t really pay any attention to it, my mind still on the reunion. I had a matter of days to go and while I couldn’t lose the weight I’d planned in such a short space of time, I could give it my all.
It was time for Plan C.
THIRTY-THREE
Jared
Jared’s eyes flickered open but he shut them again quickly, squeezing his lids down as tightly as he could, willing sleep to consume him again. If he was quick, he might be able to get back to his dream and feel more alive than he had in years. It was a familiar dream yet he hadn’t had it for over a year. In it, Frances came back to him, apologising and crying and vowing never to leave him again and pleading for his forgiveness. But forgiveness was not in question. Jared pulled Frances into his arms, his lungs filling fully with air, something they hadn’t done since she’d gone. The air was fresh and sweet and cleared his head and heart.
‘Don’t cry, baby. Don’t cry.’ His fingers swept over Frances’s face, cleansing her cheeks of the salty tears. ‘You’re back. That’s all that matters.’
‘I am so sorry I left you, Jared. So very sorry.’
Jared smiled as he brought his lips to Frances’s forehead. He’d missed the feel of her soft skin and the smell of her hair. ‘Stop saying sorry. It’s done now. We’ll forget the past five years ever happened. I love you, Frances.’ He took her face in his hands and she smiled then, relieved both that she was back with Jared and that he didn’t hate her. Frances had never looked so beautiful.
‘I love you too, Jared. I’ll never leave you again. I promise.’ And Jared believed her. He knew Frances and she would never lie to him about something so important. ‘I’ve brought somebody to meet you. A very special little boy who wants more than anything to meet his daddy.’
Jared had never met his son. He’d seen his boy squirm about on the monitor during the scans and he’d felt him kick and stretch from within the womb, but he’d never seen his son in the flesh. Frances was eight months pregnant the last time he’d seen her, Barney still tucked up inside her, just weeks away fr
om giving birth, and so he had no idea what Barney looked or sounded like.
‘Barney, come here, darling.’ Frances reached out a hand and the boy shuffled forward, two fingers posted between his lips in a nervous gesture. Barney wasn’t the tiny, helpless baby Jared expected to see the first time he met his son but it didn’t matter. The boy was only five but tall for his age with white blond hair and bright blue eyes, a dimple in his left cheek as he gave a faltering smile. He was beautiful. Utterly beautiful and Jared heard himself gasp behind the hand covering his mouth.
‘Barney? It’s me, daddy.’
The boy smiled then, the dimple deepening, his eyes shining brighter as he ran towards Jared, his arms pummelling at his sides in his eagerness for speed.
‘Daddy!’
And then, cruelly, Jared woke without his son ever reaching him and no matter how much he willed sleep to envelop him and whisk him away to his perfect dream, he couldn’t drift off again and he was forced to face the agony of another day without his son.
One day, Jared thought as he wrenched the covers from his body. One day he’ll run to me and he’ll reach me and I’ll never let him go. He dragged his feet out of bed and pulled himself up before wandering to the bathroom. He used to have this dream every night in the beginning, meeting his son for the first time night after night. Barney was a baby in Frances’s arms, growing up as the dreams became less frequent. Barney had been a toddler the last time Jared had seen him and now look at him! He’d have started school by now and have his own little friends, his own personality and preferences. Jared began to wonder about his favourite foods and cartoons but shook the idea from his head. It was no use thinking about that kind of thing. He’d learned to keep those things at bay, but the return of the dream had knocked him off kilter. Try as he might to keep thoughts of Barney at the very back of his mind, Jared couldn’t resist plucking the framed photo of Frances from the mantelpiece, the twenty-week scan photo tucked into the corner. It was the only image he had of his son and he ran a finger over the grainy grey face. They were supposed to be married by now, a happy little family. Perhaps they would have had another baby, a girl with Frances’s curly brown hair and eyes like melted chocolate. They would have had to move from their little house, would have moved to somewhere bigger with a large garden for Barney and his little sister to run around in. Their days would be filled with fun and laughter, every day like Christmas. Jared’s mother would dote on her grandchildren because he knew, despite her putting on a brave face, that she was as gutted as he was at missing out on her cherished grandson’s life, unable to watch him grow from a playful little boy to a charming young man. She was a grandmother but she didn’t get to play the role.
Jared placed the frame carefully back into place with a heavy heart. Perhaps his family were right. Perhaps it was time he moved on, as scary as that thought may be. He couldn’t keep living in the past, wishing for something that was never going to happen. As difficult as it sounded, Jared had to let go and try to live his life.
Jared checked the time and shot one last look at the photo before he rushed out of the flat. He was supposed to be meeting Ruth and now he was running late. The thought of seeing her lifted him from the slump the dream had created and it made him wonder if it was possible to find someone new. His mum and sisters had been trying to get him to date in vain because he could never even contemplate the idea, but that was before he met Ruth. A few months ago he would never have considered putting himself through potential heartache again, but maybe Ruth was worth the risk.
‘I didn’t think you were coming.’ Ruth was already in the pool when he arrived for their early morning swim but she swam to the side when she spotted Jared approaching. It was just after seven-thirty but that didn’t stop Ruth. Her determination had been boundless recently and Jared suspected she would camp out at the gym if she were permitted to.
‘Sorry. I slept in.’ Jared slipped into the cool water and together they set off towards the opposite end of the pool. Jared had slowed down his pace so Ruth could keep up with him when they first started using the pool together, but now she met him stroke for stroke and even beat him to the wall before turning and setting off for the opposite wall. He found her efforts truly amazing and inspiring, even if he thought they were for the wrong reasons.
They dried off after their swim and met for a juice in the gym’s bar before they had to head across to work. Jared had taken his time in the shower, thinking about Frances and Ruth and his future. His life wasn’t as bleak with Ruth in it, so wasn’t it foolish to ignore his growing feelings? Ruth had told him on quite a few occasions that he wasn’t her type, but there were times he doubted her words. He’d catch her watching him out of the corner of his eye and she often caught her breath ever so slightly when he touched her. He’d thought he was imagining it to begin with, projecting his own feelings onto her, but he was sure she felt the same way.
Ruth was already sitting in the small bar, two banana and raspberry smoothies in front of her, and he felt an ache in his chest as she glanced up and a smile spread across her face. He decided then that she was worth the risk. It scared him and his pulse raced as he neared her table and his head felt light and fuzzy, but he was going to do it.
‘Are you ok? You look a bit… funny.’
‘I’m fine.’ He attempted a smile as he reached for his drink but the smoothie was too thick for his dry mouth and it took a Herculean effort to swallow it. ‘I was just wondering if you fancied going out tonight after work. We could go and watch a film. Get something to eat after.’
There. He’d done it. He’d asked her out on an actual date.
Ruth wrinkled her nose and Jared felt the euphoria flush out of his body before dumping itself at his feet. ‘I’d love to, really I would, but I can’t. You remember Clare, Billy’s girlfriend? It’s her birthday and she’s having a party and Billy’s asked me to go.’ She pulled a face. ‘I don’t really want to. I don’t think Clare likes me very much, but I couldn’t say no to Billy.’ She took a sip of her drink through her straw and her eyes lit up. ‘Why don’t you come? I’m dragging Erin along for moral support as well. It’ll be a laugh.’
Jared doubted he would be laughing any time soon. He’d put himself ‘out there’ for the first time in years and had been knocked back. It would take him a little while to lick his wounds.
‘It’s not really my thing. Sorry.’
Ruth gave a little shrug. ‘Don’t be sorry. I’m only going for Billy’s sake.’ She checked the time and drained her drink. ‘Shall we get going?’
Jared nodded, leaving his drink barely touched. He was looking forward to the sanctuary of his office and his plan to lock himself in to ward off Angelina. ‘Are you ok?’ He reached out for Ruth as she staggered back, clutching her temple.
‘Yes, I think so. Just got a bit of a headache.’
‘You’ve been pushing yourself too hard.’ Jared took Ruth’s arm to steady her as they left the bar and headed through reception. It felt good to be almost holding her.
THIRTY-FOUR
Ruth
When I started my very first diet, I tried to distract myself from the hunger pains by imagining what it would feel like to be thin. The clothes I would wear. The appreciative glances I would receive when I stepped into a bar. I’d carry myself with a confidence that I would no longer have to fake and there would be a glow from within that shone through for all to see. I’d still be me but a better version. I should have felt ecstatic as I slipped the dress over my head and found it hanging off my frame, a size too big. But when I looked in the mirror, I didn’t see the weight loss. I saw the excess weight still there, the multiple chins wobbling away. I wasn’t glowing, not even a little bit. I wasn’t thin. Plan C had come along too late and now there were mere days left before I had to face Zack and co.
My dress was a one-shouldered fuchsia tunic dress that now hung from my body like I was wearing a sack, so I added a contrasting aqua belt to cinch it in at the waist. T
he effect wasn’t bad and certainly an improvement, so I moved on to my make-up, caking it on to paper over the cracks. Glittery eye shadow, thick, dramatic lashes, rosy cheeks and a flash of red lipstick, fiery and confident. A mask to portray the person I wanted to be. I tousled my short blonde curls and added a giant daisy clip to one side. There. I was as good as I was ever going to be.
The shower was still going as I left my bedroom so I went downstairs to wait for Billy and Theo, pouring myself a large glass of wine in the kitchen. I could have done with something a bit stronger to get me through the evening, to blank out the iciness Clare had been secreting towards me more and more. I had obviously offended her in some way but I couldn’t see how and Billy assured me I was imagining it all.
‘What’s that smell?’ Billy paused in the doorway of the kitchen, his wrinkled nose giving a tentative sniff. ‘Are you back on that stupid Cabbage Soup Diet?’
‘I’m not on any diet.’ It was too late for that and I wasn’t sure even starvation would work now. ‘The reunion’s on Saturday.’
‘There’s no need to look so glum about it.’ Billy, against his better judgement, stepped into the room, trying his best to breathe only through his mouth. ‘You’ll have me and Stephen to keep you company, and Aubrey will have so many baby photos to show you, Zack won’t get a look in.’ Billy put a hand on my bare shoulder and gave it a squeeze. ‘And who gives a fuck what this Zack thinks anyway?’
I did. I gave a very big fuck what he thought.
‘You’re right.’ I drained my glass, ignoring the dull throbbing in my head. ‘Shall we get going?’
‘Theo’s still faffing with his hair. He could be a while.’ Billy grabbed another glass and filled it with wine, refilling mine too. ‘I think he’s borrowed your straighteners.’
‘What?’ I leapt up from my seat at the table, wincing as pain crackled across my skull. Stressing about the reunion and Clare’s party had brought on a headache and the sudden movement intensified it. I knew thundering up the stairs would only cause me more pain and was it really worth it? As long as he returned the straighteners – and promised never to enter my bedroom without permission again – it didn’t really matter.
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