We finished our wine, hurrying Theo along between sips and eventually we were able to leave the house. The party was being held at our local and Clare had done a great job of transforming the slightly shabby pub into a pink, glittery palace with balloons and banners. A DJ had been set up in one corner and the bar had been hijacked by Clare’s cocktail menu, which the barman was trying his best to follow.
‘There you are. I didn’t think you were coming.’ Clare swept towards us in a glamorous floor-length gold-sequined dress and threw her arms around Billy.
‘We had to wait for Theo. You know what’s he like with his beauty regime.’
‘Never mind. You’re here now.’ Clare lifted herself onto her tiptoes to kiss Billy on the cheek, leaving a bronze smear behind. ‘Come and say hello to Mum and Dad.’ She tugged at Billy’s hand but I stopped her before she could disappear and handed over the gift bag and card I’d brought along.
‘Happy birthday. This is from me and Theo.’ Only because Theo had ‘forgotten’ to buy either a gift or a card.
‘Thank you, Ruth.’ Clare flashed a smile that I’d have missed if I hadn’t been paying close attention. ‘Come on, Billy. Mum and Dad are waiting.’
The pub was full to the brim but the only people I knew were Billy, Theo and Clare, and they were all busy either chatting to parents or pretty girls. I ordered a mojito, ignoring the pounding in my head, and sipped it at the bar, watching everyone having a fabulous time. Relief washed over me when Erin arrived looking magnificent in the shortest dress I have seen on a non-street walker. She kissed me hello before ordering a cocktail, chatting up the barman as he fumbled with the ingredients. Patrons of The Grey Horse never required cocktails, so he was a beginner and didn’t know his margaritas from his daiquiris.
‘Bless him.’ Erin took a sip of her Singapore sling as we left the bar, the poor barman now on his hands and knees as he swept up the shards of broken glass behind the bar, a casualty of his lacklustre Tom Cruise impression. ‘Let’s find a seat. My feet are killing me in these heels.’
‘That’s because they’re about nine inches.’
Erin gave a shrug. Aching feet were a sacrifice she was willing to make to look so fabulous.
We’d been at the party for over an hour and I had yet to see Billy since Clare whisked him away. Theo was busy floating from girl to girl, collecting phone numbers and the odd sneaky kiss before moving on.
‘Doesn’t Clare know any fit men?’ Erin scanned the room but gave a dissatisfied tut upon finding nobody of interest.
‘What happened to Stuart from Accounts?’
‘We’re not married and you know me. I don’t do serious.’ She tipped the last drop of her cocktail into her mouth and licked her lips. ‘And we’ve had a bit of a tiff. Another?’
‘Yes please.’ My head was still hurting but the alcohol was dulling the pain.
Erin rose from her seat and earned quite a number of appreciative glances as she tottered to the bar. Her dress was riding further up her thighs with each step but she either didn’t notice or didn’t care.
‘You’re Ruth, aren’t you?’ My head turned from Erin’s exposed thighs as a body seated itself next to me. I vaguely recognised the girl but didn’t think we’d ever had a conversation or been introduced. ‘I’m Becki, Clare’s best friend.’
‘Hi.’ I smiled but the gesture wasn’t returned. Feeling uncomfortable, I turned back towards Erin and was alarmed to see her being chatted up by Theo. He was leaning against the bar as the barmaid made up his drink and I watched on in horror as he reached out to Erin, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.
‘Oh God.’ I turned to Becki. ‘Would you excuse me? I need to go and rescue my friend from a letch.’
Becki sneered at me and I shuffled backwards in my seat as she bared her teeth at me. ‘You can’t help interfering with other people’s relationships, can you? Why don’t you get a boyfriend of your own, you sad, fat cow?’
I felt like I’d been punched in the stomach, winded by her words. Confusion, hurt and anger soured in my veins as I stared at her, still sneering at me just inches away. I wanted to slap her and demand to know what I had done to deserve such nastiness. I didn’t even know the woman! But I also wanted to slink away and hide, to protect myself from her poison. I felt small and humiliated and was back to being the fat kid nobody liked. The anger stepped up a gear then, surging up through my body, the force of it causing my body to shake. I hadn’t deserved to be mocked and ridiculed when I was a child, and I didn’t deserve it now.
‘What is your problem? Do you think you’re better than me because you’re a size 10? Do you think I’m a lesser person because I’m fat? Because I’m not. I’m a human being, just like you. I’m not a freak and I have feelings. You have no right to sit there and call me names just because you feel like it.’
‘Is there a problem?’ I was still shaking as I looked up and saw Billy, here to rescue me yet again.
‘Oh, look. Here’s your knight in shining armour.’ Becki’s top lip lifted into a snarl as she rose from her seat, glaring first at me and then Billy.
‘What the hell is her problem?’ Billy sat next to me as Becki sauntered away, throwing us one last dirty look before she disappeared into the crowd.
‘I have no idea.’ I shoved my hands under the table so Billy couldn’t see them trembling. ‘But she’s gone now so let’s forget about it.’ But though I tried to shove Becki to the back of my mind, her words echoed through my mind. Fat cow. Fat cow. Fat cow.
‘Do you want a drink?’
‘No thanks. Erin’s getting me one.’ I glanced back at the bar where Erin was now holding our drinks but was stood still, laughing at something Theo was saying. He had his phone in his hand and was tapping away. Oh, God. Not Erin too. Of all the women in the world, Erin was the last I’d expect to fall for Theo’s phony charm.
‘Billy!’ Clare strode towards us, her dress swishing with each step. ‘There you are. Come and dance with me.’
Billy groaned beside me. ‘You know I don’t dance.’
‘But it’s my birthday.’ Clare stopped in front of Billy, her hands on her hips and a pout on her lips. ‘Please? Just one dance.’
Billy looked pained as he rose to his feet and allowed Clare to lead him towards the DJ and the makeshift dance floor. Left alone, my eyes scanned the room for Becki but I was relieved when I spotted Erin making her way back to our table.
‘He’d be quite cute if he wasn’t so arrogant.’ She placed the drinks on the table and sat down, seeking out Theo in the crowd to wiggle her fingers in a wave.
‘You think Theo’s cute?’
Erin lifted her shoulders a fraction. ‘I’ve seen worse. I’ve slept with worse.’
‘But you wouldn’t sleep with Theo, right?’
Erin ignored my question, taking a long sip of her drink instead before changing the subject. My hands eventually stopped shaking as we chatted and laughed. The fat cow echo subsided and I began to relax again but the moment was ruined as Erin’s phoned beeped into life. A smile spread across her face as she read the text before slipping her phone back into her handbag. She was already on her feet and draining her latest cocktail.
‘Would you mind if I left a bit early? Like now?’
‘Was that a booty call?’ My voice was laced with jealousy. I’d never been summoned for sex in my life. The closest I’d got was one time when Gideon turned up at the house at two o’clock in the morning, pissed and horny but it turned out he was too inebriated to do anything about it.
‘Maybe.’ Erin grinned down at me. ‘You don’t mind, do you?’
I shook my head. What else could I do? ‘Of course not. Have a great time.’
‘Thanks, Ruth. You’re a star.’ She stooped to plant a noisy kiss on my cheek. ‘We’ll meet for lunch tomorrow, yeah?’
I felt small and awkward as Erin sashayed out of the pub, hammering a reply into her phone, and my headache returned with a vengeance. I searched the pub fo
r either Billy or Theo, but Billy was nowhere in sight and Theo was sauntering after Erin, winking at the barmaid before strolling out of the pub. I stayed for another drink, but my headache increased with each sip so in the end I sent Billy a text to let him know I was going home, citing work in the morning as my excuse.
I didn’t expect Billy to come home that evening, with Clare’s house being slightly closer to the pub than ours, but shortly after midnight the front door opened followed by drunken tiptoeing on the stairs. I knew it wasn’t Theo as his bed springs had been having a workout since I’d returned home myself. I was pretending it wasn’t Erin in there, howling and grunting away, as I’d never be able to look her in the eye again. If I was honest, I’d lost a bit of respect for her. She knew what Theo was like – she was exactly the same herself and I thought they cancelled each other out. At least neither of them would spend the next few days wandering around like a love sick puppy while they waited for a phone call, so I suppose there was some good in the situation.
I just wished I didn’t have to listen to it.
I hadn’t been able to sleep – and not just because of the rutting couple across the hall. My headache had doubled its efforts and worrying about the reunion didn’t help. Becki’s words had returned, belittling me from within my own head. Fat cow. Fat cow. Fat cow. It’s what everyone would be thinking as I waddled into the school hall and I only hoped they wouldn’t openly ridicule me like they did when we were kids.
How had it come to this? Six months ago I was happy. I had a boyfriend (even if it was Gideon) and I wasn’t obsessed with my weight and food and exercise. People’s opinions of me didn’t matter so much back then, but now I was paranoid, convinced everyone was thinking how disgusting I was, an abomination of the human race. A blimp. A fat cow.
The pain in my head was unbearable, a constant thudding that made me clench my fists and grit my teeth against it. Pulling myself out of bed and covering my ears to block out Erin’s crescendo howling, I’d made my way downstairs to the kitchen and poured myself a glass of water, gulping down paracetamol and praying they’d act fast. I couldn’t face returning to the racket upstairs, so I sat in the kitchen, fighting against the ache in my chest, but it was no use and I began to weep, truly feeling sorry for myself. How could I go to the reunion like this? Fat and single – just as I’d been ten years ago. I was so caught up in my private pity party that I didn’t hear the footsteps on the stairs again and it was too late to wipe away the tears as Billy stepped into the kitchen.
‘Hey. What’s the matter?’ Billy rushed forward and knelt in front of me, his brow furrowed and his eyes doleful as he looked up at me.
‘I’ve tried everything, Billy.’ I crossed the kitchen to grab a sheet of kitchen roll before sitting back down and blowing my nose. ‘Diet, exercise and now these useless diet pills.’ I took the bottle out of my dressing gown pocket and dumped it on the table.
‘You’ve been taking diet pills?’ Billy picked up the bottle, examining its label.
‘Yes but they haven’t worked.’ I wasn’t expecting miracles. I’d bought the pills on the internet weeks ago but had decided to go ahead with Plan C way too late, but I was expecting something other than the stomach cramps, insomnia, headaches and gas.
‘It doesn’t even have a list of ingredients.’ Billy thrust the bottle at me, his eyes no longer doleful but burning with rage. ‘You could have been taking anything. Promise me you won’t take any more.’
‘I won’t.’ There wasn’t any point. It was too late.
‘Is this the only bottle?’ Billy asked as he unscrewed the top and tipped them down the sink. ‘You haven’t got any stashed away anywhere?’
‘Stashed away?’ I managed a small laugh, which was a triumph under the circumstances. ‘I’m not a drug addict or an alcoholic.’
‘Do you realise how dangerous diet pills can be?’ Billy twisted around to face me so fast he was in danger of snapping his neck. And he was lecturing me about dangerous activities?
‘Yes. I know. But I won’t be taking them again.’
‘Good.’ Billy pulled a chair close to mine and sat in front of me, taking my hands in his. ‘We’ve known each other a long time. I care about you. You know that, don’t you?’
‘I care about you too.’ We smiled at each other then and I actually started to feel a little better.
‘I’ll always look after you, Ruth. Always.’ Billy reached up to wipe away a stray tear that lingered on my cheek and I felt myself leaning into his touch. I didn’t know what I would do without Billy, how I would have survived the past ten years without the support and laughter. He was like my best friend but more, much more, in a way I couldn’t put into words.
‘Thank you, Billy. That means a lot.’
Billy’s hand was still resting on my cheek and the anger had vanished from his eyes and was replaced with something I didn’t recognise. Neither of us spoke as we sat in the kitchen, fingers entwined, one of Billy’s hands on my cheek and it should have felt uncomfortable to be so close, but it didn’t. It felt natural, as though we were supposed to be touching and our bodies had been waiting for years for this contact.
‘Ruth.’ Billy’s voice was strange in the quiet that I had become accustomed to, familiar yet intrusive. He opened his mouth to continue, but a crash in the hallway jolted us both to our feet. Billy was first out of the kitchen, skidding to a halt when he saw Theo trying to extricate himself from a pile of coats.
‘Sorry.’ The howling woman, blonde and most definitely not Erin, bit her bottom lip as she glanced from Theo, to Billy and me and back to Theo again. ‘We didn’t mean to disturb you.’
I wished she’d been this courteous for the past couple of hours, but I remained silent, my brain too confused to form words. The moment in the kitchen was forgotten as I tried to merge ‘Erin’ upstairs and this blonde woman who was now wrestling the coats off Theo and helping him to his feet. I was so sure Erin had hooked up with Theo, but clearly not.
‘Isn’t that Caitlin from The Grey?’ Billy whispered to me.
I looked at the woman and realised it was. I was more used to see her pulling pints than pulling my housemate, but it was indeed Caitlin. I was a little disappointed in her to be honest. I’d thought she was a sensible girl, thwarting Theo’s charm offensive at every turn, but she had finally succumbed. I wondered if she was aware that Theo’s interest in her would be non-existent from now on. Still, at least it hadn’t been Erin’s groans of pleasure I’d had to witness through the wall.
Ah, Erin. If the booty call hadn’t been from Theo, then it had to have been from Stuart from Accounts. They’d obviously made up after their little tiff. Perhaps their relationship was more serious than Erin would admit.
THIRTY-FIVE
Jared
Jared’s body was sluggish as he changed into a pair of old, grey jogging bottoms and a plain white T-shirt, almost as though it suspected what his brain already knew. Yoga wasn’t a good idea. Not today, when the dream was still fresh in his mind despite the hours that had passed since he woke. Yoga gave him the space and freedom to think, which was dangerous, given the circumstances.
Camilla was as warm and calming as ever as the group filed into the yoga class and unrolled their mats. Jared’s body mirrored hers as she took them through the warm-up and he followed her instructions throughout the class, concentrating on the moves and poses instead of allowing his mind to wander, but his downfall was the end of the class as they settled themselves for their usual meditation session. He tried to think of other things – anything other than Frances and Barney. He’d known the class was a mistake but he couldn’t let Ruth down and so it was his heart that led him to the gym and not his mind or body.
Ruth. He pictured her in his mind and felt relieved to find he could focus on something else. She was mere inches away and he wondered what thoughts lurked in her mind. Hopefully, better ones than his memories. Memories of Frances – of losing her and being denied the chance to be a fa
ther to their son. Barney wasn’t planned, but their relationship was solid and they’d already moved from their beloved bedsit and into the little two-bedroomed house, almost as though they knew what was on the horizon. They were thrilled to discover they were about to be parents and threw themselves into planning for the new arrival. They found out the sex of the baby so they could decorate the spare bedroom and they named him as soon as they left the hospital after the scan, naming him after Frances’s grandfather.
Jared had been working late one night. It was his birthday and while he’d rather have been out celebrating with Frances, he was trying to prove himself at work. There was a promotion coming up and he was determined to get it, to improve himself and be better able to provide for Frances and Barney. It was dark by the time he left the office but there were no lights on in the house, which was odd. Frances should have been at home. She’d said they’d order a take away and snuggle up on the sofa, their own subdued celebration as she was only a few weeks away from her due date and too exhausted to contemplate a proper night out.
The house was empty. He checked downstairs first before moving upstairs to the bedroom, expecting to see Frances curled up in bed. But the bed was empty and Jared began to worry. He even checked Barney’s room but that was empty too. He rushed down the stairs and this time he spotted the handwritten note on the mantelpiece, folded in half with his name on the front. That was when the worry really set in, swirling in his gut and closing his windpipe as he plucked the paper from its resting place and unfolded it, seeing Frances’s familiar scrawl.
Surprise! Meet me in the pub. And bring your dancing shoes!
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