GUNNER: Lords of Carnage MC

by Daphne Loveling

  “Yeah,” I say. “And here, in my bed.”

  Alix sits up abruptly. Her eyes go wide and almost wary. “Gunner, what are you saying?” she whispers.

  “You know damn well what I’m saying,” I retort, my voice gruff with emotion. “Ever since I saw you across the bar telling off a man twice as big and three times as strong as you, I haven’t been able to take my goddamn eyes off you. And I’ve spent every day since trying not to think about what was gonna happen when we got your sister back and it’d be time for you to leave.”

  I lean in and kiss her hungrily. Just like always, her body responds instantly to mine. I fist my hand in her hair; her tongue twines around mine as she moans into my mouth. When we break apart, we’re both breathless.

  “Why the fuck would you leave, Alix?” I ask. “I know damn well you don’t want to.”

  “No,” she whispers, biting her lip. “I don’t.”

  “Then shut up and stop talking about it,” I chuckle, and pull her against me again.

  “But… I can’t just live with you,” she protests.

  “Dammit, woman,” I growl. “Are you gonna fight me on this? Why the fuck not?”

  “Because…” She trails off. “I don’t know. It’s too early? We barely know each other?”

  “Are you saying this because you don’t want to, or because you think I don’t want you here?”

  “I’m saying it because…” Alix lets out a shaky breath. “I guess because I’m a little scared.”

  “Scared of what?” I frown. “Of me?”

  “Scared that this isn’t real,” she murmurs. Her eyes grow moist. “That I’ll want it too bad, and it’ll just… go away. Evaporate. I haven’t had anyone to… count on… to care for me… in so long, Gunner. On my own, it’s hard but…” She sniffs and swallows painfully. “I’m at least used to it, I guess.”

  A tear runs down her cheek. I wipe it away with my thumb.

  “Babe,” I rasp. “I couldn’t stop taking care of you if I tried. I didn’t even see it happening, but it turns out, I’m in love with you.”

  “Gunner?” She whispers my name like it’s a question. She’s looking at me like she can’t believe what she’s hearing.

  I bend down and kiss her again, tenderly. “Yeah, I said it. I love you. And that ain’t gonna change.”

  “I love you, too.” Her voice cracks. More tears start to run down her cheeks, but this time she’s grinning.

  I have to swallow a couple of times before I can talk.

  “So, stop worrying about me. About this,” I say gruffly, pulling her into my arms. “Let’s worry about getting your sister well again. Everything else will sort itself out. Deal?”

  She laughs wetly, and snuggles against my chest.

  “Deal,” she agrees.

  30

  Alix

  The first few days of Eden’s detox process are hard to watch. It’s terrible to see my sister this way.

  It was probably a good thing that Lucy sent me away at first. To get Eden mentally prepared for everything she was going to go through. And to give me some time to steel myself for it. When Gunner drops me off at Lucy’s house the next day on his way to the club’s garage, my sister is in the full throes of withdrawal. She’s agitated, jittery. On her face is a sheen of sweat. She smells stale, despite the fact that Lucy tells me she took a shower just a few hours ago. She complains that her muscles ache, that her bones hurt.

  Eden paces the house, her face ashen and feral. When she’s exhausted herself from pacing, she collapses on the bed in Lucy’s guest room, tossing and moaning. I sit with her, talking to her in calm tones and telling her how proud I am of her. That it will be over soon. That she’ll be fine. I don’t know if she believes me.

  Sometimes, Eden manages to fall into a restless, fitful doze for an hour or two. I sit with her, in a hard back chair next to the bed, and look around the room. It used to be Gunner’s bedroom, and there are traces of his younger self everywhere. Ancient, curling posters of sports stars, motorcycles, and busty women fill the walls. On a shelf above his desk are some books: Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. Lord of the Flies. Ender’s Game. It’s strange to think of a young Gunner reading them. A pang seizes my heart with longing to meet that boy I’ll never know.

  I think Lucy must catch me looking at Gunner’s things when I don’t notice, because sometimes when Eden’s sleeping and we’re sitting at the kitchen table, she’ll come out with a random story about something Gunner did when he was a boy. The stories make me laugh. I think back to what she said about Gunner falling for me, and marvel that she knew how he felt before I did.

  Mother’s intuition.

  I wonder if my mom would have liked Gunner?

  I’d like to think that she would.

  On the fourth day, when Gunner drops me off, Lucy greets me at the door.

  “She’s taking a shower,” she tells me as she lets me inside. “She slept okay last night. I think we’re turning the corner.”

  As soon as Eden comes out of the bathroom, I can see something’s changed. She’s a little less tremor-y. A little less restless.

  The three of us sit in the living room, and watch a stupid movie on TV. Something goofy and funny, to make Eden laugh and distract her. Lucy makes popcorn, and it feels… okay. Like we’re just three women sitting around watching a dumb comedy for no reason at all. The normalcy makes me want to cry, but I push it down.

  After the movie’s over, Lucy announces she has to go to the hospital for her shift. “There’s plenty of food in the fridge, and leftover lasagne for dinner if you want,” she tells us. “Gunner’s gonna come over and hang out with you when he’s done at the garage for the day.”

  When Lucy’s car engine starts up in the driveway, I look over at my sister and realize this is the first time I’ve been completely alone with her in years. Since before our mom died.

  Suddenly, I have no idea what to say.

  “How are you feeling?” I ask.

  “Like insects are crawling all over my skin,” she admits. “But it’s better today.”

  “Do you want to watch another movie?” I reach for the remote.

  Eden yawns and stretches on the couch. “Maybe in a little while.”

  “Do you want to go on a walk? Lucy said it’s a good idea to get some exercise every day.”

  She cocks her head, considering. “Yeah. You know? That actually sounds kind of good.”

  I wait for her as she goes into her room to grab a sweatshirt. It’s unseasonably cool today for the end of the summer. When she’s ready, the two of us head outside and turn right when we get to the sidewalk.

  For a few minutes, neither of us says anything.

  Then:

  “I never really thanked you.”

  I don’t ask what for. I know what she means, of course.

  “It was Gunner, not me,” I tell her honestly. “I never would have found you by myself.”

  “But you looked.” Eden turns her head toward me. “You came.”

  “I was worried about you.”

  “I knew that.” Eden shoves her hands in the pockets of her sweats. “I knew you were worried. And I didn’t care. I told myself you were being ridiculous, because I was fine.” A small, strangled sound escapes her throat. “And then, I wasn’t.”

  “Eden,” I begin, “I’m so sorr…”

  “Alix, no!” she stops short and turns to me. “Please, don’t be sorry! My God, what do you have to be sorry about? I’m the one who should be sorry!” Her face is anguished. “I’m the one who just left when Mom got sick. I’m the one who treated her like shit, and then just disappeared.” She shakes her head violently. “I thought I fucking hated her. And you.” She starts to cry, tears streaming down her face. “But I just hated myself, for being such a piece of shit all the time! I didn’t know how to be anything but angry!”

  Without even thinking, I put my arms around her. We stand like that, the two of us, on the sidewalk in the
middle of a neighborhood we’ve never been in before. Her weeping against my shoulder, and me just holding her.

  Back at Lucy’s house, we go out on the back deck. Eden pulls a cigarette out of the pack Lucy gave her and lights it up.

  “I couldn’t handle it when Mom got sick,” she murmurs in a low voice. She’s stopped crying now, and her words come out in a tired monotone. It’s like she’s trying to purge them from her system, just trying to get them all out. “I’d been such a hellion of a daughter for so long — I’d told her I hated her so many times — that it felt like her getting cancer was my fault. My punishment, for treating her like shit.”

  Eden takes a deep, shaky drag of her cigarette, and blows it out. “I felt like I didn’t have the right to be there. To pretend like I cared all along. So I took off. And then I felt even worse. Because I did care. But I didn’t know how to tell her how sorry I was. How sorry I was that I was such a shitty kid…” A deep sob wrenches from inside her. “And how sorry I was that she was… dying…”

  Eden bangs her hand angrily on the arm of her chair, hard enough that it has to hurt. It seems like maybe that’s what she’s going for.

  “And now…” She swallows, struggling to speak. “Now I’m never going to get to tell her I’m sorry. It’s too late.” She closes her eyes against the pain.

  “She knew you loved her, Eden,” I murmur. “She did. I promise.”

  “Ever since she died, I’ve hated myself.” Eden turns to me. A grimace of self-loathing distorts her delicate features. “Hate. I wanted bad things to happen to me. Hell, I think I was hoping something terrible would happen, to punish me.” She stabs her cigarette out angrily on the ashtray next to her and starts to cry again, in terrible, hitching breaths. “But God, Alix, it was so terrible!”

  She buries her face in her hands, her thin shoulders shaking. I scoot my chair closer to hers and wrap my arm around her.

  “I know,” I murmur, even though I don’t. Not really. I can’t possibly know how awful the last weeks have been for her.

  I don’t know how long we stay like that. Eventually, Eden’s crying slows.

  “When I called you the one time — when I left the message,” she tells me, looking down at her shaking hands, “it was the first time I was sober enough to function well enough to do it. But Gonzalo found me. He took the phone and smashed it.”

  “Thank you for calling me,” I murmur. “You might not believe it, but it was hugely important. Knowing you wanted to be found. It helped us.”

  “There’s lots of stuff that I don’t even remember,” she says in a horrified whisper. “With Gonzalo. And the others. Stuff that I think happened, but I can’t be sure.”

  I wait to see if there’s more she wants to say. But she goes silent.

  “You know, Eden,” I begin after a moment. “You know what the best possible thing you could do for Mom is? Know she would want you to be happy. She would forgive you in a heartbeat.” I pause. “And she would want you to forgive yourself.”

  For a second, she doesn’t answer.

  “I know,” she whispers. “But it’s hard.”

  “I know,” I say back.

  We just sit there for a while, neither of us talking. Eden lights another cigarette, and smokes it.

  “Wanna go in?” I ask when she’s finished.

  “Sure.” She pauses. “We could watch another movie, if you want.”

  “Good idea.”

  We go back into the living room. I flip through the options on the screen, and we argue over the selections. For a moment, it’s like we’re just two normal sisters again.

  I’ll take that moment. And file it away with the others.

  Someday, maybe there will be a lot of them.

  We finally settle on a romantic comedy neither of us has seen before. As I press play, Eden looks over at me with a tremulous smile.

  “Mom would be happy to know we were together again.”

  “Yes,” I answer softly. “She sure would.”

  31

  Gunner

  Eden eventually turns a corner in her recovery. One night, I go to pick up Alix after my mom gets back from her shift at the hospital. The two sisters are huddled together on the couch, watching a horror movie. Alix jumps up when I walk through the door, pausing the movie to come and give me a kiss hello.

  From the couch, Eden gives me a shy smile. “Hi,” she says.

  “How you doing?”

  “Better,” she nods. “Thanks.”

  The way she’s looking at me, eyes wide and intense, it’s clear that she’s thanking me for more than just asking about her health. It’s the first time the two of us have really spoken since we brought her here to Ma’s house.

  “Lug Nut was asking about you today,” I tell her casually. It’s true. Lug Nut has mentioned Eden a few times since the day we got her out of Gonzalo’s clutches. If I didn’t know better, I’d think maybe he has kind of a thing for her.

  “He was?” Eden’s face is a mix of embarrassment and curiosity.

  “Yeah.” I flash her a grin. “He’ll be happy to hear you’re doing so well.”

  “She is, isn’t she?” Alix says proudly. Her arms are wrapped around my waist.

  I kiss her forehead. “She is indeed.”

  Ma comes out from the kitchen. “Okay, you two go on home now. Eden needs to get her rest, and Alix does, too. I have another shift tomorrow.”

  “You two don’t have to watch over me every minute, you know,” Eden fake-pouts, but it’s clear she’s not serious.

  “We’re not watching over you,” Alix admonishes her. “We’re fighting for the pleasure of your company.”

  Eden rolls her eyes. “Yeah, right.”

  It’s so typically sister-like that I almost don’t pay attention to how remarkable it is that Eden is just joking around like this. And then it hits me again that she’s detoxing from fucking heroin.

  Maybe — just maybe, I think — everything’s gonna be okay between Alix and Eden.

  I want Alix to have a sister again. I want both of them to have this.

  “Well,” says Alix, yawning and giving my waist a squeeze. “Okay, then. I’m beat. Take me home, handsome.”

  I can’t help but laugh. “Whatever you say, babe.”

  We ride home, with her pressed against my back. Even though we’re both tired, she makes a show of stripping off her clothes for me, and squeals with laughter when I lunge across the room and grab her. I lie back and pull her down so she’s straddling me, watching how fucking gorgeous she is while she rides me. We come together, her eyes never leaving mine. Afterwards, she’s asleep in thirty seconds, snoring softly in my arms.

  That snore, I decide, is one of my favorite sounds in the whole damn world.

  The next day, Alix asks me to take her to Sydney’s coffee shop before I drop her off at Ma’s.

  “I am dead tired,” she says dramatically as we leave the house. “And I am in dire need of a fancy coffee drink.”

  “You’re gonna have to have superior balancing skills to carry that coffee all the way to Ma’s house,” I point out.

  “I trust you to drive slowly and avoid the potholes,” she retorts saucily. “After all, you’re the one I’m gonna spill it on if you don’t.”

  When we get to the Golden Cup, I climb off the bike and go in with her, to say a quick hello to Sydney. It’s a busy morning at the shop, and almost all the tables full. Young people sit in front of laptops, with earbuds cloistering them from the world. Pairs and trios of middle-aged women chat in front of steaming beverages and plates of pastries.

  At the counter, Sydney is scrawling something on a small poster with a black marker.

  “Hey, you two!” she calls when she sees us. “What are you doing here?”

  “I am in desperate need of caffeination,” Alix informs her. “Please, a latte before I collapse.”

  “Coming up.” Sydney looks at me. “Anything for you, Gun?”

  “Nah,” I shake my
head. “I’m gonna need both hands. I’ve been informed that my job is to drive smoothly enough that she doesn’t spill her drink and burn the shit out of me.”

  “Good point,” Sydney winks, and turns to the espresso maker.

  “What’s this?” Alix asks, pointing to the poster Sydney was writing on. She holds it up and shows it to me: Help wanted. “Are you hiring?”

  “Yeah,” Sydney answers, filling the little espresso deal with coffee grounds and fitting it snugly in its slot. “Two of my baristas graduated high school a couple of months ago. They’ll be leaving for college soon.” She shrugs. “I’m looking for a couple part-timers or one full-timer to replace them.”

  Alix glances quickly at me, then back at her. “How do you feel about hiring an out of work grocery store cashier?” she smirks.

  Sydney stops what she’s doing, her face breaking into a wide grin. “So… You’re planning on sticking around for a while, then?”

  I throw a possessive arm around Alix. “Looks that way,” I say.

  “Well, damn.” Sydney puts her hands on her hips. “This is a good thing. And not exactly unexpected. I’d hire you in a heartbeat doll,” she nods, turning back to Alix. “But I have to warn you, the pay’s not great.”

  “Well…” Alix pretends to consider. “It’s probably better than the zero dollars I’m making right now, so I’m not exactly in a position to negotiate.”

  Sydney snorts. “Can you work afternoons and weekends?”

  “Uh… I’ll have to check my very busy schedule. But yeah,” Alix nods. “I’m pretty wide open.”

  Sydney starts to laugh. Momentarily abandoning the coffee drink she’s making, she grabs the sign from Alix’s hands and rips it up with a flourish.

  “Done,” she says, tossing the pieces in the trash. “You’re hired.”

  Alix is fucking jubilant that she has a job.

  To be honest, so am I.

  Because it means she’s serious about staying.