The Single Mums' Mansion
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THE SINGLE MUMS’ MANSION
Janet Hoggarth
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About this Book
About the Author
Table of Contents
www.ariafiction.com
About The Single Mums’ Mansion
Amanda Wilkie unexpectedly finds herself alone with three children under five in a rambling Victorian house in London, after her husband walks leaves them claiming he’s just ‘lost the love’, like one might carelessly lose a glove.
A few months later, Amanda’s heavily pregnant friend, Ali, crashes into her kitchen announcing her partner is also about to abscond. Once Ali's baby Grace is born, Amanda encourages them to move in. When Jacqui, a long-lost friend and fellow single mum, starts dropping by daily, the household is complete.
Getting divorced is no walk in the park, but the three friends refuse to be defined by it. And, as they slowly emerge out of the wreckage like a trio of sequin-clad Gloria Gaynors singing ‘I Will Survive’, they realise that anything is possible. Even loving again…
Contents
Welcome Page
About The Single Mums’ Mansion
Dedication
Prologue
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Chapter 25
Chapter 26
Chapter 27
Chapter 28
Chapter 29
Chapter 30
Chapter 31
Chapter 32
Chapter 33
Chapter 34
Chapter 35
Chapter 36
Chapter 37
Chapter 38
Chapter 39
Chapter 40
Epilogue
Acknowledgment
About Janet Hoggarth
Become an Aria Addict
Copyright
For Vicki and Nicola, thanks for saving me. Single Parents Alone
Together! The mansion will always hold a special place in my heart.
Prologue
What is family? Is it a thing you are born into or a cosy patchwork blanket woven from people who have come in from the cold at a time when you need them the most? I happen to think it is a bit of both. You are born into a blood family, but you gather people along the way, some of whom will feel like jigsaw-piece soulmates that click into a gap in the puzzle for a brief while, maybe even years. Then one day, in the blink of an eye, they’re gone, missing down the back of the sofa.
And then there are the permanent ones that have been wedged in the centre of the puzzle for years. These are the people that squeeze you tight when your mind scatters on the winds of change after some dreadful trauma. They hold your hair back while you vomit after a bottle of wine too many. They carry you home from the chip shop when you fall down drunk, sobbing that your life is a mess and your children will be irretrievably damaged by your slovenly parenting. They arrive at your door when you ask them, no matter what time of day or night because they know you need them. And in turn, you fit snugly into the heart of their own pictures.
I’d always hoped my jigsaw was complete. That the husband, three children, friends, family, ramshackle half-finished house, accoutrements of married life, was it. Yet deep down, I could feel a gaping hole in the centre of that picture. A piece was missing and I couldn’t quite put my finger on it – did I need another baby? Why wasn’t my husband making me happy? Plagued by bad dreams soon after my perfect wedding at which I was cloaked in a white tulle froth of a dress, my sleeping brain would throw up terrifying scenarios of my husband leaving, carelessly tossing the words: ‘I’ve lost the love,’ over his shoulder like a crumpled tissue into the waste-paper bin. And I would wake, the words snagging a jagged hole through my heart as I clawed my way back into the real world where he would, of course, be asleep next to me in our marital bed, assuring me on waking that I was being ridiculous. However, my third eye was positively throbbing – it knew something I didn’t. But there was no way I wanted my marriage to end. I loved him completely, didn’t I? So why did I dream about it most weeks? It felt like I made it happen.
And happen it did. A pivotal jigsaw piece fell down the back of the sofa, in exactly the way I had expected it to. In the aftermath of ‘I’ve lost the love’ (yes, he did indeed use that very insult), I think I mislaid what was left of my baby-addled mind. Then, as luck would have it, two jigsaw pieces that happened to be freewheeling along life’s superhighway at that exact moment collided with me and out of the ashes of my marriage, a phoenix arose.
Welcome to the Single Mums’ Mansion. Names have been changed to protect the innocent.
1
The Heartbreak Diet
My face was reflected forlornly in the drip-splattered kettle, huddled in the corner by the compost bin overflowing with the detritus of this morning’s breakfast. A half-sucked toast crust hung like a mini prosthetic leg over the edge where I hadn’t quite managed to ram the bugger in. I pressed the button to start the ritual of tea making within my five-minute window of opportunity. The Chugganug was squatting like a rotund Buddha in his inflatable ring, lovingly chewing a board book on diggers, and the girls were upstairs playing shoe shops in my half-empty wardrobe. I had yet to browse their offerings – slim pickings, if I remember rightly – all lined up at the foot of my bed in pairs. The kettle was about to click off when the hammering on the front door began. Chugga watched me run from the kitchen to the door, swiftly dodging the wooden brick truck with the reflexes of a ninja. Oh, how I had laughed when Sam had broken his toe on it two years previously. Maybe that’s why he left? The hammering stopped and I could make out the shape of a person hovering behind the frosted-glass panels.
The wide entrance hall was home to the red double Phil and Teds buggy, two pink scooters and a faded yellow trike, lined up against the left-hand wall. The pockmarked bare boards were in need of some kind of cheap carpet runner to mask the splattering of silver star stickers from Barbie magazine, but as soon as I pondered this the shiny idea customarily burst into a trillion shards of what’s the fucking point. Baffled by his urgency, I opened the door, expecting it to be the postman.
Alison barged past me, her formidable bump brushing me as she hurricaned it into the house. The chandeliers above squeaked menacingly on their pendulous light fittings and I glanced upwards, wishing (not for the first time) that Sam had never bought them. I was convinced that, any day, one of those bastard chandeliers was going to plummet to the ground and impale someone. They were a testing reminder of jobs abandoned in this half-finished ‘For Ever’ house. Sam had given me the chandeliers as a birthday present a year before he left, with a promise to finally decorate the hallway and return it to its former glory as the centrepiece of the Victorian villa. Instead, it was still smothered in the original seventies mustard-yellow and poo-brown flowery wallpaper all the way from the ground floor up through the heart of the house.
Chugga had crawled over to investigate, and I scooped him up into my arms and sniffed the top of his head before I kissed him. I wondered if I had kissed him over a million times in the last sixteen months. I loved his sweet baby scent, and his hair was like a silky
scarf upon my lips, apart from when it became matted with pureéd spinach, potato and cheese bake.
‘Jim’s singing from the same song book as Sam now!’ Alison’s eyes were hidden behind aviators, unnecessary on this dull grey autumn day. I ushered her into the chaos of the kitchen where she skilfully swerved the brick truck, the washing maiden draped with babygrows and small clothes in varying shades of pink, and levered herself down into one of the awkward, yet trendy, bamboo armchairs I had insisted we buy from Habitat. Maybe that’s why he left? He never liked them.
‘What?’ Ali removed her shades and her usual aquiline features and annoyingly perfect skin was puffy and blotchy. I grabbed a tissue from the box by the cooker and thrust it at her, curbing the urge to wipe her dripping nose like I did for everyone else in this house.
‘Jim said he’s going to leave.’
‘But he can’t! You’re just about to give birth!’
‘When has that ever stopped anyone?’ she snapped, smearing tears across her cheeks. ‘Sam left you on Sonny’s first birthday!’
‘He didn’t,’ I barked defensively, squeezing Sonny (Chugga) tightly, making him wriggle down onto the floor where he resumed his love affair with the digger book. I have no idea why I was alleviating Sam’s guilt. A wife’s misplaced sense of duty, perhaps.
‘All right, a couple of weeks later.’
‘How long have you known? When did he say all this? Tea?’
‘Have you got any wine?’
I warily eyed the clock near the back door. It was eleven thirty a.m. but there was a cheap bottle of red already open on the Moomins melamine tray next to the cooker.
‘I suppose it’s wine o’ clock somewhere in the world,’ I sighed, and grabbed a glass.
‘You’re not having one, too?’ Alison’s voice wobbled dangerously. I had found it hard to enjoy wine since Sam had left. In fact, most things were joyless. In the catatonic weeks that followed his swift exit from our home, I had dropped body weight like sandbags from a rising hot-air balloon. My stomach was perpetually clamped shut and anything I did manage to force down came swiftly out of one end or the other. While out shopping a few weeks after Sam left I bumped into my hairdresser when I was mindlessly skimming through one of those achingly trendy gift shops for a friend’s birthday present.
‘Amanda! Is that you?’ Sally had gasped, pushing her shades up onto her head to scrutinise me in detail as I leaned on the double buggy to prevent the spins taking hold. I couldn’t remember when or what I had last eaten.
‘Yes.’ That was all I could manage to say. I knew if I uttered anything else the water works would start gushing. Most days I was perilously close to the edge of Niagara Falls.
‘Are you OK? You don’t look very well. Are you… ill?’ she probed uncertainly, most likely wanting to ask if I had cancer, but not quite daring to. I certainly looked like it, with my twig-like arms and legs and scrawny turkey neck, heartbreak’s version of concentration-camp chic.
‘No. My husband… he left a few weeks ago.’ Predictably the tears started. I flapped my hands by my eyes as if that would somehow quell the tide of grief.
‘Put your Pradas back on,’ Sally ordered, indicating to my sunglasses on top of my head, a Valentine’s gift from Sam a few months earlier. I should have trod on them, ground them under my heel, but I loved them. I still wore my wedding and engagement rings, too. I had tentatively taken them off after a few weeks, but the gap on my finger pulsed like phantom limb syndrome and I had to ram them back on, but they were so loose now that they were in danger of falling off.
Sally grabbed my hands. ‘Gosh, you’re so cold.’ She rubbed them in a vain attempt to warm me up, but it was no use. I spent every day with ice-cold extremities from the sheer shock that I was still having to function; when I wanted to be sectioned and drugged into a coma so that I didn’t have to experience the searing pain in my chest and the incessant roundabout of ifs and whys.
‘You poor thing. How are you coping? Are your parents helping?’
‘They live miles away. My friends Rob and Amy moved in for a few weeks, but they couldn’t really stay longer than that, so it’s just me and the three kids now.’
‘Jeez, love. Three under five. That’s hard anyway.’
I know, I wanted to scream. It’s so hard that I feel like I am loathing every second of their childhoods. My parenting consisted of a television babysitter while I tried to make sense of my life, operating in a dream-like state, somehow shovelling food into the children while ignoring myself in the process. Bedtime stories were an emotional minefield; anything with a mummy and daddy in them set me off. I never knew the human body could produce so much water.
‘Come in and get your hair cut and we can have a chat, yeah?’ Sally hugged me. ‘Take care, and I’ll see you soon.’ That had been nearly five months ago. Things really weren’t much better apart from that food had finally stopped tasting of cardboard and I had somehow hoodwinked myself with Beardy Weirdy alternative therapies into behaving like someone who was coping. The children now knew Daddy had left (that was fun). I’m not sure whether they really understood – I certainly didn’t. Meg didn’t talk half the time anyway, so I had no idea what she actually thought. She operated on two levels – screaming and not screaming. Sonny was too young to know anything, but unfortunately Isla, a five-year-old version of Nanny McPhee, noticed everything. One night when Meg wouldn’t stop screaming at bedtime and Chugga wouldn’t let me go for a wee, shouting through my tears and frustration, I was so frayed I was in danger of unravelling in Meg’s bedroom, Isla calmly looked at me from the doorway and announced: ‘It’s hard without a husband, isn’t it, Mummy?’
‘Yes,’ I had squeaked, unable to stop sobbing at her astute observation. Was this what hell was like? Postnatal depression had been an absolute skip through the daisies compared to this. Isla came over and hugged me.
‘We love you, Mummy. I know Daddy does too. He just doesn’t realise.’ How I didn’t expire on the spot after that was sheer willpower on my behalf. I had had dark thoughts about not living, about slipping peacefully away on a cloud of painkillers, but the anchor that drew me back was these three innocent hearts. How could I ever do that to them?
So it was with a sinking feeling of dread that I stood there, illicit wine bottle in hand, awaiting Ali’s revelations.
‘Please,’ Alison wheedled. ‘Have a glass with me. I feel hideous enough drinking with this one inside me.’ And she nodded her head down to her full-term bump.
‘Don’t feel bad,’ I reassured her. ‘She’s fully cooked now. A glass won’t harm her.’
I poured her a small slug and then thought, Fuck it. Why not? No one ever died from drinking at eleven thirty in the morning. Apart from maybe alcoholics; they might die. I handed Alison her panacea.
‘Cheers seems wrong,’ I admitted, but clinked with her anyway.
‘He’s such a wanker,’ Alison growled after her first sip. Then she clapped her hand to her mouth. ‘Shit, sorry. I forgot Sonny was here.’
‘Don’t worry. I’m sure his first word will be “twat” anyway. Or “For fuck’s sake”. Isla already goes round kicking things, muttering, “For sake for sake” under her breath.’ I had tried to be so careful with my organic, knitted yogurt upbringing of the children, but what was the point now their childhood had just been snatched from underneath their tiny feet? Instead I changed tack and joined a different Mummy Gang. Just Get Through the Day Without Anyone Dying – that gang.
I inhaled a sip of wine and as it hit my empty stomach the heat radiated out through my veins, fuzzing my head and relaxing my perennially racing heart. The background sickness also seemed to fade. Maybe I should have been self-medicating from day one? However, hangovers with kids are soul destroying.
‘Things haven’t been great for a few months,’ Alison admitted, draining her glass. I got up and brought the bottle over, topping her up. ‘He started acting weird once we had the second scan. I think it hit home that thi
s baby was coming and he couldn’t stop it.’
‘But he wants her!’ I protested. ‘It wasn’t like you forced him.’
‘Well, no, not forced. But I went on and on and on and on until he gave in.’ Jim already had a twelve-year-old daughter from a previous marriage. The one that Alison became a part of after Jim’s agency offered to represent her fashion stylist work, an old-fashioned ménage à trois. ‘He never wanted any more children, Mands. He swore he was getting the snip when we got together, and I begged him not to. I didn’t want to die with cobwebs in my womb!’ I smiled weakly. ‘He’s been getting himself in a state about money. How will we afford this baby, the big house, the lifestyle? I will have to go back to work as soon as I am able. Then he started saying I’d better lose all the fucking weight I’ve put on. He doesn’t fancy fat girls.’
‘What? He said that?’
‘He did.’
I wanted to punch his face in. ‘Do you think he really will leave?’
She shrugged, tears threatening again. I put my wine glass down and hugged her tightly as she gave in and sobbed.
‘Ooooh, Grace’s kicking – look!’ It was the distraction she needed. I pulled back and watched her alien-like stomach as a heel or bottom grazed the insides and protruded like a shapeshifter across Alison’s black dress. Growing a baby inside your body never ceased to amaze me.
‘I think he’s having a nervous breakdown,’ she volunteered after Grace settled back down. ‘I also think he has a drink problem. He said a few nights ago that no one would ever give me a baby so he had to.’
‘I don’t know what to say to that. Maybe he needs some help? With his drinking or breakdown or whatever it is. When did he say he wanted to leave?’
‘Last night. Cunt.’
‘Mummy, are you drinking wine?’ Isla clopped into the room wearing an ancient pair of battered fuck-me shoes, interrupting the conversation.
‘No, it’s Ribena.’