Losing Me

by Scarlett Haven

  “Overthinking things, I guess,” I say.

  “That’s such a girl thing to do,” Sebastian says. “So, stop overthinking and block me.”

  I groan.

  Seriously?

  “My dad won’t care if you didn’t get enough sleep,” he says. “He won’t hold back to spare you. He wants to kill you.”

  “I know,” I say.

  “So block me,” he says.

  And I do.

  Again. And again. And again.

  And neither of us bring up the kiss that happened last night.

  “You’re getting good at this,” Sebastian says.

  I know he’s still holding back, but I can tell I’m getting better. I should be, after months of training. I’m nowhere near close to where I need to be, but I feel strong.

  “Nice form,” Pop says from behind me.

  I continue to focus on Sebastian though. I’ve learned that if I stop to talk to somebody, it makes Bass mad. He wants me to stay focused on training, which sucks sometimes, but I get why my dad sent me with Sebastian. He is a great trainer and he will protect me, no matter what.

  “You’re holding back though,” Pops says.

  I know without looking that he’s talking to Bass.

  “He always does,” I say.

  “Do you think she’s not strong enough? Is that why you hold back?”

  Sebastian lowers his arms and I do the same.

  “I’m not going to hurt her,” Sebastian says, now turning to look at Pops. I turn around so I can see him.

  “How is she going to learn if you treat her like porcelain?”

  Sebastian tightens his hand into a fist, and I can tell Pops is making him mad.

  Yikes. This can’t end well.

  “I know what she can handle,” Sebastian says.

  “You won’t mind if I give it a go, then?” Pops asks, taking a step closer.

  I mean, part of me doesn’t want to train with Pops. I don’t want to hurt him. But he’s pretty strong for a grandpa. I’m pretty sure he could take me down with little to no effort.

  Sebastian steps between me and Pops. “I will train her. It’s my job. She’s my responsibility.”

  “Why did Michael Sinclair trust an eighteen-year-old with his daughter?” Pops asks.

  “Because I’m the best,” Sebastian responds.

  He says it so coolly and so certainly. Sebastian is the best and he knows it. So does my dad.

  “And what would he say if he knew the two of you were making out on my back deck last night?” Pops asks.

  My face grows warm and I don’t look at Sebastian to see his reaction.

  His grandfather saw? How… awkward.

  Embarrassing.

  No. Mortifying.

  Gah.

  Why me?

  “Well, you two carry on,” Pops says, clearly amused.

  And this is definitely at the top of my list for the most embarrassing moment of my life.

  I guess this is what it means to have a family. And I love it. Every humiliating moment of it.

  Pops walks off and I turn back to Sebastian, who looks just as horrified as I feel.

  “Can we just pretend that never happened?” he asks.

  I smile and shake my head. “Not a chance.”

  He puts a hand to the back of his head, one side of his mouth lifting into a smirk. “You’re just as bad as the rest of my family.”

  “I will take that as a compliment,” I say. “Now, try to hit me. And maybe try a little harder this time.”

  “Serenity Sinclair,” he says, shaking his head. “Stop being so amazing.”

  He found them.

  When Sebastian and I get back to the cabin after training, Sebastian gets a phone call from Pops’ phone. I wonder if it’s my dad, because he just seems to always know where we are. I figure Sebastian must tell him. Instead of listening in on the conversation, I head upstairs to shower. I am sweaty after training and feel gross.

  I rush through my shower, knowing Sebastian will want the shower after me.

  I towel dry my hair quickly and just throw on my clothes in record speed. I grab my hairbrush before walking into my room. I jump when I see Sebastian sitting on my bed.

  “You scared me,” I say, putting a hand over my heart.

  “He found them,” he says, his voice sounding… low. Angry. It’s then I notice his expression. His eyebrows are scrunched up, his hand is in a fist, and a vein in his neck is popping out. His face is bright red.

  “What are you talking about?” I ask.

  “My… father,” he says, choking out the word ‘father’.

  “Who did he find, Sebastian?” I ask, walking over towards him.

  “My mom. My sister. My family. He found my family,” Bass says.

  I put a hand over my mouth, trying to stop the sob that is trying to erupt.

  “Are they okay?” I breathe the words so quietly that I’m not sure if he can even hear me.

  “Yes,” he answers. “They’re fine. They escaped. But after four years of them being safe, he found them. I led him right to them.”

  “It’s not your fault.”

  “Yes. It is,” Sebastian says. “I was selfish. I should have taken you and run somewhere. Instead, I was selfish. I wanted to see them. I wanted you to meet them.” He puts his head into his hands, resting his elbows on his knees. “It’s my fault.”

  I get on my knees in front of him, trying to get him to look at me.

  “Sebastian, it isn’t your fault,” I say.

  “Yes, it is,” he says, now looking me in the eyes. I can see the tears in his eyes. The sight breaks my heart.

  “No. It’s my fault,” I say. “He’s not after you. He’s after me.”

  “He’s after you…” he stops talking to take a breath. That breath sounds like it hurt to take. “He’s after you because of me.” His voice is low and I can see so much pain. His heart is broken.

  “Sebastian,” I say.

  “I’m going to get a shower,” he says, standing up. “Pack. We’re leaving.”

  He walks into the bathroom, shutting and locking the door behind him. I sit on the floor for a few seconds, trying to process what just happened.

  He’s shutting me out again.

  I won’t let him. Not this time.

  Instead of packing, I walk downstairs. I want to see what Pops has to say. Something tells me he won’t be as keen on us leaving. And, to be honest, I’m tired of running. I’m ready to fight. I want this over.

  Pops is sitting in the living room, he smiles when he sees me.

  “He wants to leave,” I say.

  “Is that what you want?”

  I shake my head.

  “And so you won’t,” Pops says. “He thinks this fight is his alone, but Steven is my son.”

  Steven.

  I knew Sebastian’s dad’s name, but it’s weird to hear somebody say it out loud. Somehow, using his name… it seems more personal.

  “Was he always so…”

  “Cruel?” Pops finished for me. “No, Steven wasn’t always like this. I mean, he always had a temper and a bit of a chip on his shoulder, but how could he not with how his mom was.”

  “His mom?”

  “My wife. She was beautiful. But she left when Steven was seven. She never called or came back,” Pops says. “Steven always assumed his mom was dead and I let him think that. When he was older, he found out the truth. That she left. A few years after she left us, she remarried and had a kid with her new husband. We were replaced.”

  “Why did she leave?” I ask.

  “She was never happy,” he says. “You see, Spy School has a lot of rules. I couldn’t tell her about my job until after we were married. She hated it, and always begged me to quit. I loved my job. She thought I loved my job more than her.”

  “Yeah, but why did she have to leave your kid, too?” I ask.

  “I don’t know why my ex-wife did the things she did,” Pops says. “But it
changed Steven.”

  “No. That’s just an excuse,” I say. “I was raised with a mom who hated me. She starved me, locked me in closets, and beat me. That is all I knew. And there is nothing that could ever make me do what he’s done. He’s killed people.”

  “Everybody has a choice,” Pops says. “There is good and there is evil. Steven chose wrong.”

  I nod.

  He’s right.

  “You want to stay and fight, don’t you?” Pops asks.

  “Yes,” I answer, my voice certain and unwavering.

  “My grandson… he would die for you. You know that?”

  “Yeah,” I say. “And I would do the same for him.”

  Pops smiles. “Okay, then. That’s all I need to know.”

  “You know he’s not going to like this,” I say, as I hear the water shut off.

  He’s done with his shower and it won’t take him long to see I haven’t packed.

  “I know,” Pops says. “You have to tell him. You are the only person he will listen to right now.”

  I nod. “Okay.”

  Completely.

  “Why aren’t you packed?” Sebastian asks me the second I walk into my room.

  “Because I’m not leaving,” I say.

  “What do you mean you’re not leaving? Of course you’re leaving,” he says.

  “No, I’m not.” I cross my arms over my chest. “Sebastian, I am done running. I’m ready to face him.”

  His face pales by at least three shades. “What are you saying, Serenity?”

  “I’m saying, let’s end this.”

  “I… I don’t…” He takes a breath. “What if I can’t protect you?”

  “You always protect me,” I say. “Always.”

  “Serenity, are you sure?” he asks.

  I nod.

  He walks over to me and puts his hands on my shoulders. “My dad is ruthless. He is a murderer, a monster. He will not hesitate to kill you because of some sick vendetta he has against your dad. Do you understand that?”

  “Yes,” I answer. “But he’s not your dad. Not really. Biologically only.”

  Sebastian looks at me for a few seconds, saying nothing. Eventually, he lets go of my shoulders.

  “Fine. We won’t run. But if we’re staying here, we need backup,” he says. “I’m calling your dad and all the guys. We need help.”

  “Aren’t they all busy?”

  “Never too busy for you,” he says.

  “Okay,” I say. “Let’s do this.”

  He unlocks his phone and pushes a few buttons, then locks it, sticking it in his back pocket; he smiles at me. “You are so amazing.”

  I raise an eyebrow. “Why would you just randomly say that?”

  “Because you are. You’re far better than I could’ve ever imagined,” he says. “I know you want to stay because you want to protect them. My family. And yours. It’s what makes you… you. And I find that quality about you quite admirable.”

  “Oh,” I say. “Well, you’d do the same thing. Probably a lot sooner than I did.”

  “No,” he says. “If it were up to me, we’d be running right now. The last few months with you have been amazing. I’m not ready for this yet.”

  “It has been amazing, but it’s also been scary,” I say. “The only reason you want to run is you think it will protect me.”

  “I won’t deny that. But you already know I would do anything to protect you,” he says. “Part of me wants to pick you up and drag you out of here. But you’d hate me if I did that.”

  I’d be mad.

  But I could never hate him.

  “It’d take a lot more than that for me to hate you,” I say.

  “Why do you even like me?” he asks. He runs a hand through my hair, making me shiver. “I was so mean to you. I am mean to you.”

  “When we first met, I liked that you didn’t like me,” I say. “It seemed liked a challenge to get you to like me.”

  “I never disliked you,” he says. “I wanted to hate you. But you were so… cute.”

  “There you go using that word again.”

  Cute.

  I hate that word.

  “You were the most beautiful girl I had ever met, and I still feel the same,” he says.

  My breath catches at his admission.

  “Why do you push me away so much?” I ask.

  “To protect you from me,” he answers. “I don’t deserve you. You’re… too good for me.”

  “Shouldn’t I be the one to decide what I deserve?”

  “What do you want?”

  I look at him in the eyes, deciding to just be completely honest.

  “Can you not see how I feel about you? That I’m so in love with you I can hardly breathe when we’re apart. You have me, Sebastian. All of me,” I say.

  He closes his eyes and shakes his head. “No, Serenity. You can’t love me.”

  “But I do,” I say. “And I have for a long time.”

  “Loving me… it’s not a good idea.”

  I shrug my shoulders. “Seems like a good idea to me.”

  “I’m not good enough for you.”

  I look at him, shaking my head. “Then you don’t see yourself clearly. I think you are too good for me.”

  He steps closer to me, putting his hand on my cheek. I lean into his touch.

  “Serenity, I could live a hundred lifetimes and still not be worthy of you,” he says.

  “I guess it’s good that it’s not your decision on what’s good for me and what’s not good,” I say.

  “It won’t be easy.”

  “What won’t be easy?” I ask.

  “Loving me,” he says.

  “You’re worth the work.”

  “Serenity,” he says. “You are the most amazing person I’ve ever met in my life. The day I saw you sitting at my desk… even before I knew who you were… you captured me.”

  “And then you opened your mouth; you were so mean,” I say.

  He grins. “Yeah, sorry about that.”

  I shrug. “It’s okay. I understand now why you did it.”

  “You do?”

  “Yeah,” I say. “You push everybody away. Even your mom and sister when we were there, in your own little way, you keep yourself distant from everybody.”

  “It didn’t work with you,” he says.

  “I made up my mind the day we met,” I say. “I liked you. And I won’t let you push me away.”

  “You should know something,” he says, his voice changing. I can hear how nervous he is.

  I look him directly in the eyes. He looks frightened.

  “What?” I ask.

  “The way you feel about me… it’s not unrequited.”

  I just look at him, waiting for him to say it. I need to hear the words out loud before I can even allow myself to believe that it’s true.

  “I love you, Serenity.”

  “You do?”

  Even I can hear the surprise in my voice.

  He nods. “I love you so much, and I have for a long time.”

  “New Zealand?” I ask.

  “Yeah,” he says. “I know you liked me then. And I loved you. But I knew I needed to stay focused on keeping you safe. You’re a distraction.”

  I close my eyes, waiting for him to say what he’s going to say next. I know he’s going to say that he can’t be with me. That it’s not safe and whatever other reasons he can come up with. He is going to try and push me away.

  “Only the best kind of distraction,” he says.

  I open my eyes, wondering if I heard him right. He’s smiling.

  “You should know, I don’t share. If we’re going to do this whole you and me thing, it has to be just us,” Sebastian says, then pauses. “What I mean to say is… Serenity, will you be my girlfriend?”

  Girlfriend?

  I’m pretty sure my mouth falls open, but I can’t bring myself to shut it.

  I was prepared for him to push me away—to tell me that he hates m
e, or at the very least for him to tell me that it’s not the right time. I never expected him to ask me to be his girlfriend.

  “Are you going to leave me hanging here?” he asks.

  I couldn’t stop the grin, even if I wanted to.

  “Sebastian Soto, I would love to be your girlfriend,” I say. “But you should know, I’ve never had a boyfriend before. So, I don’t know how good I’ll be at this whole relationship thing.”

  “It’s okay. We’ll learn together,” he says.

  I look at him, searching his face. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him so happy before… not ever.

  “Is this real?” I ask.

  “I have never felt anything more real than this,” he says.

  He closes the distance between us, putting his lips on mine.

  I don’t think I’ll ever get used to this—kissing Sebastian. Loving him. Him loving me back. It’s exhilarating and terrifying. Terrifying, because this boy completely owns my heart. I’ve never felt like this before, and I’m scared he’s going to change his mind. I’m scared he will see me for who I really am and not like me anymore.

  “Don’t overthink things,” he says, pulling his lips away from mine. He puts his head on my forehead.

  “Are you sure? About me?” I ask.

  He grabs my hand and puts it on his chest. He puts his hand on top of mine, holding it there. “Do you feel my heart?”

  I do.

  It’s beating fast. Really fast. His pulse matches my own racing heart.

  “It’s beating so fast because of you,” he says. “The way I feel about you has only gotten stronger the more I’ve gotten to know you. I promise you, I am not going to change my mind. Not now. Not ever.”

  I lick my lips, which are suddenly feeling dry. “You can’t promise me forever, Sebastian.”

  “The truth is, I might not live past tomorrow,” he says. “I don’t know what’s going to happen. My dad has been after me for a long time. And he’s after you. But, if I make it out of this alive, I can promise you forever. There is nobody else for me, Serenity.”

  “You’re eighteen. You can’t possibly know that,” I say.

  “But I do know it,” he says. “And you know it, too.”

  He’s right.

  I’m just not brave enough to admit it out loud.

  “Just don’t ask me to marry you, because my dad would kill you,” I say.

  He laughs. “Not yet.”