by Smith, Megan
We went into his office where he wrapped up my hands and told me if I did that stupid shit again I was going to be benched for a game. I agreed that I wouldn’t make them bleed again. I never said I wouldn’t hit the bag again because honestly I needed to take my anger out on something. I’d prefer it be Jay’s face for what he did but I’d probably wind up dead in a ditch somewhere. Just thinking about what else could have happened with Jay and Macy makes my blood boil all over again.
“Landon,” Madison says so groggy that I wonder what she’s high on when she answers the phone.
“You popping pills now too?” I jump right in. No point in holding back.
“What are you talking about?” she says defensively.
I huff. “Your sister took your pills that Jay gave her at a party.”
“What?” Madison sounds awake now. “What do you mean pills?”
“Jay saw her at a party, he gave her the pills. He assumed it was you. Does he not know you have a twin?” I’m getting irritated as fuck.
“Landon, you know how Jay is. We barely talk.”
“No, Madison, all you do is fuck.”
That was an asshole thing to say but I’m fucking pissed that Macy took those pills and could have been put in a bad situation. Pissed she was even involved at all. She’s too good for this goddamn shit.
November 7, 2013
Stanford, California
Cardinals vs Ducks
We’re in Stanford, California. We got in yesterday and we’ve been busy with practices and watching tapes. I’ve been studying my opponents, keeping up with my game. I’m pumped as I think we all are.
“You ready, Hayes?” Colton asks as we’re getting suited up.
I nod. “You?”
“Always.”
Coach does his game day speech before we hit the field. We’re all in our zones ready to rock the Cardinals.
The first quarter of the game we don’t score but that’s okay. The Cardinals are up by a touchdown, no big deal. Saylor is trying to hype us all up. Patting guys on the asses and slapping guys on the helmet after they run off the field.
“That’s the way to sack’em, Declan.”
Declan who already has his helmet off before stepping off the field gives Saylor a warning look. He hates being slapped on the ass and we all do it from time to time just to mess with him.
The second quarter we’re scoreless again but the Cardinals score ten points. We’re losing seventeen to nothing ending the half. All of the hype and excitement is slipping away.
Coach Lander yells as we all expect during halftime. “Get your heads out of your asses.” He throws his clipboard on the ground. “Play the damn game the way I know you all can play. We can’t walk away from this game scoreless. That’s not us!”
We all yell, “Yes, sir.” And then all settle back in our own heads trying to figure out what we can all do to make the game better.
The third quarter we still can’t seem to make a damn score. The Cardinals are able to score another six points with two field goals. The score is now twenty-three to nothing.
Cash is pissed. He’s hesitating because no one can seem to be able to get open. This is a good and a bad thing. Cash is a monster on the field when he’s pissed off so hopefully this is what we need to get some points up on the board.
When the kicking team takes the field I hear Coach Lander say to Cash, “Take that goddamn anger and throw the fucking ball, Cash. You’re my starting quarterback for a reason so prove to me why I chose you.”
Cash grits his teeth. “Yes, sir.”
“And you,” Coach Lander points at me. “Get the hell open so he has someone to throw the damn ball to.”
“Yes, sir.”
Finally, in the fourth quarter I get a break and Cash throws me a twenty-three-yard pass. I score putting us on the board. The Cardinals follow that up with a field goal. Riley receives the punt return running it in for a sixty-five-yard touchdown getting us on the board once again. The last play we make, Jet scores with a twelve-yard catch scoring another touchdown.
It’s not enough to win us the game with the score being twenty-six to twenty.
As I’m walking to the locker room I hear Cash talking to reporters telling them that we were all hesitating and that’s something we just can’t do. He’s right, we can’t. It cost us the game. It’s our first loss of the season and it fucking sucks.
November 16, 2013
Eugene, Oregon
Utes vs Ducks
We’re back on our home field. This week’s practices have been brutal. Coach Lander is pissed that we lost last week’s game and he’s taking it out on us. Practices and training have been extra-long barely giving me a chance to breathe, let alone get any homework done.
Everyone is being quiet as we suit up for the game. I feel good about this game though and I’m hoping we’ve found our groove again.
The first quarter, Holden receives an eight-yard pass for a touchdown and then we get a field goal and the Utes come up with nothing.
“That’s the way to run through them, Holden!” I say, knocking helmets with him.
“That number thirty-four had me about shitting my pants when he was coming after me. You see the size of that guy?”
I laugh. “Yeah, he has it out for you.”
The second quarter, Cash drops back into the pocket and he tosses me a five-yard pass for a touchdown. The Utes were able to score a touchdown as well. The score is seventeen to ten.
When we get to the locker room for half, Coach Lander is in a slightly better mood seeing as we’re ahead in the game. The crowd is keeping us all upbeat after our shitty performance last week.
The third quarter, Sean receives the kick return and runs it in for an eighty-six-yard touchdown. The crowd goes crazy. This is what we’re about. We find our way and lead it. Jet is able to score a fourteen-yard touchdown with a perfect pass from Cash but we miss the extra point. Then the Utes are able to score a touchdown right after that. The last play of the third quarter Cash hands the ball off to Holden and he runs it in for a seventeen-yard touchdown. The score is now thirty-seven to fourteen. We’re in our groove and nothing is holding us back tonight.
The last quarter the Utes score right off the bat for a touchdown. We hold them off from scoring anymore and with two minutes left on the clock Holden runs the ball in for a sixteen-yard touchdown.
“Damn, Holden, you’re on fire tonight.”
“Let’s hope the ladies tonight think so too.”
I laugh high-fiving him on the way to the locker room.
We won forty-four to twenty-one.
November 23, 2013
Tucson, Arizona
Wildcats vs Ducks
Another away game and the pressure is building on me. I feel like everything is about to cave in on my life. I’m barely sleeping these days. I even paid some girl in one of my classes to do my homework one night so I could actually sleep. I slept for six hours straight. That never happens. I haven’t even seen Macy in weeks. We’ve sent a few texts but that’s it and it’s killing me.
Saylor tries to pump us up before the game but no one’s in the mood. With having these two away games so close together everyone’s patience is wearing thin.
The first quarter we’re able to score a field goal. It’s all we’re able to do against the Wildcats’ two touchdowns.
The second quarter Cash runs the ball in for a touchdown but we miss the two-point conversion. The Wildcats are on their game scoring another fourteen points.
Coach Lander tries a different approach this time during his half-time speech. He’s not pissed, he’s fucking livid. He barely talks at all and when that happens we know the shit is going to hit the fan on Sunday when we’re reviewing tapes.
In the third quarter we’re scoreless while the Wildcats come up with yet again another touchdown.
The fourth quarter, Cash gets the chance to look around the field and finds me out by the sidelines for a twenty-two-yard pas
s into the end zone. But the Wildcats follow that right up with another touchdown.
We lost that game forty-two to sixteen.
The plane ride back to Eugene was long. No one talked. No one looked at each other. Everyone was dreading the team meeting with the coach because we were going to get our asses handed to us after he chews them up and spits them back out.
November 26, 2013
Colton and Cash are going at it yet again in the locker room. You would think that Colton would shut the fuck up and mind his own business but he doesn’t. He’s a fucking idiot sometimes. I think he was hit in the head with the ball one too many times.
Cash’s pads are flying off and getting slammed into his locker. It takes a lot to piss Cash off but lately just a look in his direction and he’s ready for a fight.
Cash goes and takes a quick shower while I’m still in the locker room taking my time because I’ve got nowhere to be. He dresses and pulls his hat down low over his eyes. I glance back at him and our eyes meet. His are cold and angry. Something in my gut tells me he’s going to see Jay. I’ve got to warn him not to but then another part of me just wants to stay the hell out of it.
He takes a few steps in my direction and I jump up off the bench holding my hands up. “He’s dangerous.”
Cash gives me a menacing look. “Don’t you have to go get high or something?”
He brushes past me hitting my shoulder. “Fuck!” I yell then punch my locker. I drop to the bench staring down at the floor. I at least tried to warn him. I knew it would fall on deaf ears but I couldn’t live with myself if I said nothing at all.
November 28, 2013
Campus is mostly deserted since it’s Thanksgiving. Everyone has gone home to visit family but not me. My mom and dad are pissed but what can they do about it. They offered to come to Eugene and take me to dinner but I made up some lame excuse that I was keeping my head in my books all day to catch up on some school work I was behind on. Mom started crying and passed the phone off to Dad. He told me not to worry about her and that he was proud of me for being responsible. That made me feel shitty because the last thing I was worried about was studying.
Macy left to go home for a few days saying she just needed a break from everything. I think she wanted to put some distance between us and I couldn’t blame her. She never even asked if I was going back home either.
I’m lying on my bed in my cold cinderblock room throwing the football up in the air then catching it. I feel like I’m trapped in this room but yet I can’t seem to make myself leave either. I’ve got the whole day to do whatever the hell I want since we have no practice and no game today.
Tomorrow is the Civil War game. This matchup is going to be intense and everyone needs to be on their game, especially Cash. Oregon State is a huge rival of ours and the game is at home so we have that going for us. I haven’t smoked in days and it’s starting to wear on my nerves, I feel like I’ve been off my game until I’m on the field. That’s the only time I feel a sense of calm come over me since I haven’t been getting high.
My phone starts buzzing beside me. I pick it up and see that it’s Madison.
“Yo.”
“Come over?” She sounds sad.
“Give me a few.” I hang up not waiting for her response. I’m not surprised she didn’t go home. Madison probably talked to her mom and found out Macy was going back and decided she would just stay here.
I toss the ball on my bed; grab my truck keys and wallet and head to the only diner in town that’s open.
After ordering two turkey sandwiches I head over to Madison’s place. It’s not Thanksgiving dinner but it’s close enough and I really don’t think she’ll care. I know I don’t.
Of course when I arrive at Madison’s she’s smoking from a bong and her room is filled with smoke. She’s really taking this final split with Cash hard. I think she finally realizes that she’s pushed him too far this time. He knows everything now, the drugs, the alcohol and the cheating. A little part of me thinks Cash knew but he wasn’t willing to admit it. He can’t hide from it now that other people know.
“What did you expect him to do?” I ask, taking the bong from Madison.
“I don’t know?” she says looking away. “He’s never actually been this pissed off before.”
I don’t know what she wants me to say so I say nothing. She had to know that this would all come to a head and blow up.
Madison is lying back on her bed staring up at her ceiling for a while. Every once in a while she’d look in my direction to make sure I was still here.
I do what I can for her, make her laugh, and comfort her just by being there. Every time I’ve needed her, she’s been there. It’s the least I can do to return the favor.
For a moment, I hesitate when I look at the bong she has out.
Only for a moment.
And then I cave inhaling as much as I can until nothing matters. It relaxes the both of us. We eat the sandwiches I bought and then I fall asleep on her bed. I wake around one from Madison tossing and turning so much and go back to my room.
As I open the door to my dorm room, I see Colton sound asleep and realize that should be me. But now, I spent the night getting high knowing damn well we have a game tomorrow and I’m going to be tested.
I fucked up. I fucked up big time.
That’s me, Landon “the fuck up” Hayes.
November 29, 2013
Eugene, Oregon
Civil War Game
I barely slept when I got home from Madison’s last night. I knew the second I saw Colton asleep that I should have been here hours ago with him. My head wasn’t on right though and I fucked up.
When I get to the locker room I change into my uniform. I finish off a bottle of Gatorade and I walk over to toss it in the trash but I stop in my tracks. Cash has red welts covering his face, his lips are swollen and cracked, and his eye is swollen too with a deep purple mark lining the creases. I want to ask him if he feels better after getting his ass kicked but I don’t. I really want to say I fucking told you so but he could say the same for me and all the fucked up shit I’ve done. Instead I just walk away. I know what battles to pick and which ones to stay away from.
We’re all suited up and standing in the tunnel ready to run out onto the field in front of sixty-thousand screaming fans, people from all over who have come to watch the Beavers battle it out with us.
The first half of the game is tied. Cash finds me open and we score two touchdowns and a field goal in the first two quarters but the Beavers scored the same in just the second quarter.
The third quarter Cash calls the play but I get held up and have to haul ass to get down the field where I should be standing when I see Cash’s arm go behind his head. I make it just in time and make the catch scoring a touchdown. The guys pat me on my back when I get off to the sidelines. Glancing at Cash he gives me a nod, congratulating me for making that catch. The Beavers are only able to score a field goal. By the end of the quarter we’re leading.
The fourth quarter we’re off to a bad start. The Beavers are up a field goal and a touchdown. Cash is able to find me and we score leaving the score twenty-four to thirty. We’re in the lead. It’s one tough ass game as we all expected it would be. With less than two minutes on the clock the Beavers score again. The game is tied. The clock is winding down. Plays are being yelled without a huddle. Cash gets us as close to the end zone with handing the ball off but we’re out of time; he has to throw the ball. He looks to me and I know that look. He’s relying on me to score, to win this game for us. I nod and he makes the call for the play. Saylor hikes the ball to Cash, he makes the snap and I’m right where I should be but the throw is off and I make the split second turn and catch the ball for a twelve-yard touchdown.
We win thirty-six to thirty-five.
The fans and team rush the field. Colton runs to me and I jump mid-air and he catches me. Saylor slaps my ass as the rest of the guy’s congratulate me. I’ve played one of my best
games. I don’t feel like I should be living in the victory because I know when I get back to that locker room and take the piss test my season is over. This was the least that I could do for them. I give myself a few minutes to live in the moment because it’s about to be all over.
After the interviews I head back to the locker room. Cash is already there standing at his locker. I glance over to him. “Good game. Best throw you made all year.”
He doesn’t respond. I didn’t really expect him to.
“Hayes? You’re up.” A rep from the NCAA says looking at me.
They test all of us after the last game and after a bowl game too. I knew that heading into the game but last night I didn’t care. I needed that escape.
“I’m sure Steven would have loved to see this shit,” Cash mumbles.
I glare at him. “Don’t you fucking say his name around me.”
“Why? Does it hurt to know you were responsible?”
“Fuck you, Cash.” I brush past him on the way to the bathroom.
“Landon Hayes?” The man holding a clipboard asks.
I nod but don’t say anything. He hands me a piece of paper that says I’m being tested with my name and date. I sign it, hand it back.
He follows me back to the bathrooms, makes me wash my hands with water only and then tells me to drop my pants down to my ankles.
“Lift your shirt up to your arm pits.”
There’s no modesty allowed here. They see it all.
“Now turn around and do a three-sixty.”
I do as he says. This isn’t my first drug test so I know what the drill is here. He watches me piss in the cup and then takes it and calls the next player back.
I know I’m not passing. I smoked pot yesterday.
Coach sees me walk out and he knows too. I feel the disappointment rolling from him.
When I come back into the locker room with the guys, Colton and Cash are shoving each other. I know where this is going so I stand in between them but I can’t help myself and start laughing. Probably because I should be laughing at myself right now.