Surviving Regret

by Smith, Megan

  She shakes her head. “This is not your fault. I wanted the pain to go away.” Alexa starts to sob. “I miss him so much, Macy.”

  I let go of her hand and climb into bed next to her. We both need it. The two of us cry until we have nothing left. We cried for Steven, for that night that changed all of us.

  “Are you going to be okay?” I ask once we’ve both wiped our tears away and caught our breaths.

  “I’ll never be okay. A piece of me died that night with him,” Alexa answers honestly. “I’m not going back to school once I get released from here. I need to deal with what happened. I need professional help and it’s about time I get it.”

  I nod in complete understanding. “When do you get out?”

  “Tomorrow, I hope. My parents are getting things ready for me back home.” She sighs. “My mom knew it was a mistake letting me go to University of Oregan but she also knew I wanted to go because it’s where Steven would have been. She knew I needed to feel as close to him as I could.”

  “Yeah,” it’s all I can think of to say because it’s the truth.

  Alexa whispers, “I don’t know how to live without him, Mace.”

  “Make me a promise?”

  Alexa looks out the window and nods.

  “No more of this. You’re here, live for him.” The tears start again. “It’s what he would want.”

  She doesn’t answer right away and I’m not sure she will make me that promise but then she says, “As long as you make me a promise too.”

  “Okay.”

  “Promise me that you’ll stop being blind to Landon. He’s going to ruin you, Macy. Be you, be the girl who was my best friend in high school. Don’t put up with his shit.” Alexa’s voice rises and I wonder if Landon can hear her standing out in the hall. “I know what goes on at school. I hear about the parties and what the football players are doing and who they’re doing. I see it all too. It hurts me to watch you living your life with your head turned away when it involves Landon.” Alexa takes a deep breath. “I blame him and Madison for that accident but what pisses me off the most is that they’re throwing their lives away. They should be…” Her tears come again. “They shouldn’t take that for granted.”

  “I know,” I whisper and hug her close.

  Everything she has said is true. In some ways Cash and I are taking life for granted with the way we let them walk all over us. Alexa is right when she said that I’ve been letting Landon walk all over me. I shouldn’t let him but I do anyway. If I am pregnant this changes everything for me. I won’t put my baby through this emotional rollercoaster that is Landon. Life is too precious, if only I would listen to myself.

  “I think Madison wants to talk to you,” I say slipping from Alexa’s bed. “I’m going to go down and get something to drink. Do you want anything?”

  She smiles and shakes her head.

  “I’ll see you later.”

  She nods and I see another tear slip down her beautifully pale face.

  December 8, 2013

  I can’t focus on anything when I wake up. Mostly because my mind is all over the place, I’m still upset with Landon and my life is a fucking wreck. Not only am I worried about Alexa but I still haven’t started my period. Damn it. Being pregnant would be the worst thing that could happen right now.

  Landon has barely talked to me since leaving the hospital yesterday. Things are different after our blow up and we still have a lot more talking to do but him not saying a word really isn’t helping. I feel so alone.

  As I lie here in bed, I feel like I need a friend, one who understands. I planned on going by the hospital to check on Alexa since she was getting released today but first I need to make a stop. I put on my Ducks hoodie and a pair of jeans, stop by the coffee stand on the corner and order a decaf mocha for me, and a black coffee for Cash.

  I knock on the door when I get there, Julia, Cash’s step-mom, answers and smiles. She knows Cash and I are still friends. “It’s good to see you, sweetie,” she says wrapping her warm arms around me. For a while, Cash’s dad wouldn’t speak to any of us, said we were stupid and had put everyone’s life in danger. He had these grand plans that Cash would play in the NFL, and though that plan still looked that way, his dad didn’t want him having friends or distractions. He was a dick and I’m not sure what Julia sees in him because she’s super sweet.

  “Is Cash around?”

  “Yeah, he’s still in bed.” She points upstairs and then hears Bentley crying in the other room. I smile and take a peek since I haven’t seen Bentley in about six months. She’s already getting so big and walking by herself. When she sees her mommy, her toothless grin sends my heart fluttering. I could be having one of those soon. My hand goes to my stomach, my heart pounding, hands shaking.

  “I can’t believe how big she’s gotten already,” I say, kneeling down beside her.

  Bentley looks up at me and takes two wobbly steps in my direction. My eyes flood with tears. She looks identical to her big brother in a lot of ways. Same bright blue eyes and golden brown hair. Only instead of the wavy curls Cash has, Bentley looks like she stuck her little hand in a light socket. It sticks up everywhere.

  Julia laughs and pats her hair. “Can’t tame it.”

  I stare at Bentley, she stares at me and just as I’m near tears, she tries to take my coffee and pulls my hair.

  “No, no, Bentley,” Julia says. “She just started that and we’re trying to break the habit.” Julie bends and untangles my hair from Bentley’s little fingers.

  I stand and ruffle her little head, “I’m going to go visit your big brother.”

  “It’s nice seeing you around here, Macy.”

  It is nice being back here, away from what my life has become.

  It may be weird that I’m going into Cash’s room not knowing if he may be naked in there or busy doing something else. I’m hoping he’s not either. I knock lightly on the door and hear a groan, but not much else so I knock again, this time louder. “Cash?”

  “Yep.” His voice sounds groggy. “Come in.”

  When I open the door, he looks at me funny but smiles. “Hey?”

  Leaving the door open, I kick my shoes off leaning into the wall careful not to spill the coffee. By the time I reach his bed, I’m teary eyed again. “Scoot over… I need a friend.”

  He looks at me funny. “What’s the matter?”

  “I said scoot over.” I growl, showing him the coffee. “It’s the least you could do since I brought you coffee.”

  That perks him up enough to scoot over.

  “Is it weird that you’re in my bed?” Cash asks taking a drink from his coffee and then smirking suggestively. “I’m not wearing any shorts.”

  “Cash… you’d better be clothed under there,” I groan.

  “Hey, don’t tell me what to do. You got in my bed, remember?”

  I’m quiet for a few minutes and then sigh. “Are you seriously naked?”

  He pulls the covers back and I shield my eyes. “No,” he’s laughing at me. “Just teasing.”

  I move my arm away from my eyes when he pulls the blanket back down.

  “So what’s up? Usually when a chick’s in my bed she wants something from me.”

  I roll my eyes, “I just need a friend…” I’m quiet for a minute and then the tears flow. All I do is cry, this is getting ridiculous. “I think I might be pregnant.”

  Cash moves over a half a foot to the edge of the bed nearly falling off.

  “What are you doing?” I squint my eyes watching him.

  “I don’t want to catch it.”

  I roll my eyes again but don’t say anything else. And after another few minutes, I can’t stand his silence and lift my eyes from the cup in my hand. “Say something?”

  “What do you want me to say?” he shrugs and then smiles, he’s teasing. “Are you sure I just showed you my penis that night?”

  “Yes,” I shove his shoulder.

  “What did Landon say?”


  “He asked if it was yours.”

  He huffs, “Figures, and you said?”

  “I told him that we never slept together.” I frown. “Then I accused him of sleeping around. He called Madison a whore too. He’s fucked up. I thought they were friends.”

  Cash tenses about the time I said whore and doesn’t let up, but he also doesn’t say anything more.

  “Are you going to keep it?” His voice is a little uneven.

  “I haven’t taken a test. I’m just late, at least I hope.”

  He looks over at me, his mood easing. “I’d make a really great uncle.”

  I smile because I know he would. I have no doubt Cash would make a good father. Landon on the other hand, I’m not sure about these days. He can’t even seem to take care of himself.

  We hear the door creak and then the little thumping of crawling and Cash smiles. He knows who just came in his room but when she peeks her crazy haired head up, he still startles. “She’s done that shit to me twice. If she wasn’t so cute, I’d be scared of her.”

  “Her hair cracks me up,” I say trying to tame it down when she crawls on his lap and sits in between us.

  “Mine was like that when I was little.” Cash looks at me and then Bentley. “You sure you’re ready for this?”

  I shrug, “I’m not sure of much these days but if I am pregnant I’ll be ready with or without Landon.”

  Cash tickles Bentley and she squeals. The sound making me smile instead of crying. There is no doubt in my mind that this baby will be my guiding light.

  Chapter Seven

  December 8, 2013

  Landon

  It’s been, well, it’s been three years since I’ve stepped foot in Steven’s house. It’s not easy and I doubt it ever will be. I’ve been invited a dozen times but I’ve been able to convince myself not to go.

  When I pull up to the house, Josh, Connor and Adam, Steven’s brothers, appear to be there too by the amount of cars in the driveway.

  “Shit,” I say to myself as I turn off the truck. I want to leave. No way do I want to be here right now, with them. But I also know if I leave, I’ll never do this and I need to. I can’t keep putting this off.

  I walk up the walkway and knock once on the door. Secretly I hope no one answers but I know that’s not true.

  Adam answers the door wearing only a pair of gym shorts. “Hey, man,” he greets me.

  I meet his eyes, “Hey. You’re mom around?”

  Adam opens the door wider for me, “Yeah, she’s in the kitchen.”

  When I step in the house all the familiar smells invade my senses. The smell of warm chocolate chip cookies is my favorite.

  Adam claps me on the back, “It’s nice to see you around.”

  I wipe at my nose needing to distract myself. “Thanks.”

  Walking into the kitchen I see Jackie sitting at the table staring off into space. I spot the fresh pot of coffee sitting on the counter. Reaching into the cabinet above the sink I pull out two cups and set them down. I pour coffee into both and add a little sugar and creamer into mine then carry them both over to the table.

  Jackie grabs my hand, “Thank you.”

  I nod and take a seat in the chair across from hers.

  “When Steven was five, he fell down those stairs,” she nods toward the back steps. “He jumped up and said, ‘That’s awesome!’”

  I laugh and it feels good. For the first time in a while it doesn’t feel forced.

  “He was so crazy.” I laugh again shaking my head. “First time I ever met him and he asked me if I wanted to join the mafia with him.”

  Jackie laughs. “He was obsessed with the mafia after John let him watch ScarFace when he was three. Thank God he got into football after that.”

  “You know, it’s funny. None of us were into football until you guys all stuck us in peewee and Cash was so fucking good we all had to one-up him. And then Steven goes and wins the most valuable player.”

  She smiles too wide but her eyes give her away. She misses him and that ache hasn’t dulled in three years.

  “I’ve never said it… and…” I draw in a deep breath and look over at her reaching for her hand. Tears stream down her cheeks and it takes everything in my power not to cry too. “I’m sorry.”

  Jackie tries to talk but nothing comes out. She clears her voice a few times. “You don’t have to be sorry, Landon. It happened. Yes, I lost my baby boy, but nothing we can do will bring him back. You guys made a mistake and…” she can’t say it. “You dwelling on it does nothing but make you miserable. Live for him, Landon. Be the guy he grew up playing football with. The boy he talked about constantly as one of the best wide receivers. Be what Steven would want you to be…be the best.”

  We both sit there lost in our own thoughts of Steven. The silence starts to get to me so I feel the need to talk. “Steven’s probably shaking his head up there at me. I’m a mess, Jackie. Everything I touch turns to shit but I don’t know what to do or how to fix it.”

  “Let me ask you something?” She stares intently into my eyes. “Do you blame yourself for that night?” I nod but she holds a hand up. “Think about it hard before you answer me.”

  I sit and ponder it for a second but I don’t need to. “I know it was my fault.”

  “Landon, you acting like this isn’t healthy.”

  “I know.” And then I feel the need to tell her since I haven’t told anyone yet. “I lost my scholarship and they kicked me off the team.”

  “Why?” Her face full of concern.

  “Failed a drug test.”

  Her eyes close briefly, “Landon, you know going into a Bowl game the NCAA tests you. Why would you risk that? That shit follows you into the draft.”

  “I know,” I say in a defeated tone.

  Josh and Connor walk in while Jackie and I are talking. Both stop and do a double-take. Josh rubs his eyes like he can’t actually be seeing me.

  “Man,” Josh is the first to speak. “I never thought I’d see you again unless it was on the big screen running down the football field.”

  Josh looks the most like Steven, even acts like him too. “Nah, man.”

  “Nice you see your pretty face around here,” Connor says taking the orange juice out of the fridge and drinking right from the container.

  “Thanks.”

  Jackie waits until both of them leave the kitchen. “Have you spoken to Cash?”

  I look away because I feel like all I’m doing is hurting her even more. “No. We barely talk anymore.”

  She sighs loudly. “You need to talk to him. He needs you and you need him, Landon. Steven would be livid if he knew the two of you lost yourselves like this. Be there for each other and let him be there for you. You need it more than you know.”

  I stand and take my cup to the sink. “I know,” I answer and stare out the kitchen window. I know where I need to go and I need to do it now.

  It’s time.

  I hear three sets of footsteps coming from the front of the house. I don’t think anything of it at first. I think it’s Josh, Adam, and Connor but I know it’s not them when I hear Macy’s voice and the voice I’ve been avoiding for three years.

  The atmosphere changes. I look back to Jackie and she has a sad smile on her face. I break out into a sweat as they step into the kitchen. No one notices me at first because they are looking at Jackie.

  Macy’s first to see me and she comes closer providing a little buffer between me and Alexa. Madison notices me next and she goes to take a seat next to Jackie. Alexa turns and our eyes connect and all I hear is her yelling to save Steven.

  My stomach grumbles threatening to throw up the little bit of coffee I had this morning. I lift my hand up to adjust my hat and pull it a little lower. Alexa steps closer to me. She’s standing right in front of me breathing hard.

  She reaches up and it catches me off guard at first when she pushes me backwards. My back is up against the kitchen sink. Jackie stands ready to put her mom hat o
n and break us apart. Macy slides out of the way just a bit and places a hand on her stomach. Alexa then starts beating on my chest with her fist.

  “Just because you’re fucked up,” Alexa motions to Madison who moved next to Macy, “or she’s fucked, doesn’t mean we’re not, you selfish bastard. I’m tired of seeing you two like this. It doesn’t mean that Cash and Macy aren’t dying inside either. We’re all fucked up forever.”

  The room goes quiet and Alexa’s hands fall away from my chest.

  I’m barely holding it in right now. If I thought losing my scholarship was bad this is so much worse. Hearing it come from Alexa cuts deeper than anything anyone could throw at me. She’s right we all are fucked up and I am being selfish and dealing with it in my own ways. My ways are fucked up, I know this, but I can’t find that sliver of hope anymore.

  I don’t know what to say to her that will make any of this better. I’ve got to just get out of here. I look up and see Cash and that right there is the icing on the cake.

  I leave Jackie’s without a word to anyone. No one deserves another apology before Steven and that’s exactly where I’m going.

  When I pull up to the cemetery not far from Jackie’s house I rest my head back against the headrest giving myself a pep talk. “You can do this, Land. He’s your best friend.” I take a deep breath then reach for the door handle and climb out of my truck. It’s freezing and I welcome the bitterness.

  I take a few steps then turn around. I forget something that I brought for Steven. I find it on the passenger seat and toss it on my shoulder.

  Walking through the maze of headstones, I finally am face to face with Steven’s final resting place.

  Steven Daniel Griffin

  October 10, 1992 - December 5, 2010

  Your memory will always live on within the souls you touched.

  I bow my head and will the tears away. I take a seat on the cold, hard ground and rest my back against the headstone. Bringing my knees up to my chest I rest my arms on them and let my head fall forward.

  What do I say? I think to myself. I shake my head because now I’m asking and answering my own questions. So, here goes nothing.