The Lost Sister

by Tracy Buchanan

  ‘Wine?’ I peered up to see Julien standing over me with a bottle and an empty glass. ‘I know it’s not gin but it’s crisp and it’s cold.’

  I smiled at him. ‘Wine would be grand, thank you.’

  ‘Mind if I join you? That rock looks inviting.’

  ‘Of course! I was just about to finish anyway.’ I shuffled up as he sat next to me, pouring me some wine and handing it over. It was a surprise to have him join me. Of all the people here, Julien had kept himself most distant from me, quietly watching from afar. I’d been starting to take it personally.

  ‘Your daughter looks like she’s enjoying herself,’ he commented, looking over at Becky who was now building an intricate network of sand tunnels.

  ‘What child doesn’t on a day like this?’

  He smiled. ‘True. Wait until the tide goes out and she gets to feast her eyes on all the starfish and shells.’ He looked down at my notepad. ‘How’s the writing going?’

  ‘Flowing,’ I said with a contented sigh. ‘I’ve never been so fired up about something.’

  ‘That’s what this place does to you.’

  ‘I saw you whittling some wood earlier. How’s that going?’

  ‘Same. Pretty amazing.’ He squinted up at the setting sun with his brown eyes. ‘God, I wished I’d discovered this place months ago. I’d have come and buried my head here. But then I guess Idris wouldn’t have been here.’

  We both peered towards Idris, who was out in the sea up to his waist, still and staring into the distance. The sun was making his wet back shimmer.

  ‘He looks like a god,’ I murmured. Julien raised an eyebrow at me. ‘Well, he does, doesn’t he?’ I said, laughing.

  ‘I suppose he does have a touch of the Jesus about him.’

  I examined Julien’s face. ‘Why did you come here?’

  He sighed. ‘My business went into administration.’

  ‘I’m so sorry. What sort of business was it?’

  ‘Solicitor’s firm. Small but thriving … until the recession hit anyway. The final nail in the coffin? Seeing my ex-wife swanning around and flashing a huge engagement ring. Oh yeah, I forgot to add she left me as soon as the money stopped coming in.’ He looked down at the sand, grabbing large fistfuls of it. ‘It got so bad, I nearly took my life.’

  ‘Jesus,’ I whispered.

  He looked up at me sharply. ‘Please don’t say anything. I’ve only told a handful of people that.’

  ‘Of course I won’t.’

  Julien’s face lightened. ‘But then I saw a man save a boy and I thought, “If he can save that boy, he can save me too.”’

  ‘Has he?’

  ‘Yes,’ Julien said simply.

  ‘And yet it’s been less than two weeks.’

  ‘Time, it’s just a number.’ He smiled, eyes dancing.

  I smiled back. ‘Down with the numbers.’

  We laughed, clinking our glasses together. Julien leaned back, taking a sip of his wine. ‘So what about you? Has Idris saved you?’

  I looked down at the grains of sand on my tanned bare feet, the chipped pink of my toenails. ‘In a way, I suppose. I guess I’ve found myself again. Found my writing. This place,’ I said, looking around me, ‘the impact it has on my creativity. I’ve never known anything like it.’

  ‘I get it. So what about your daughter?’ he said, looking towards Becky. ‘Will she stay?’

  ‘I want her to. But my husband has other ideas.’

  ‘Donna managed it.’

  ‘Her husband is a bully.’

  ‘And yours isn’t? Bullies come in all shapes and sizes, you know.’

  I thought of how angry Mike had been. Maybe Julien was right?

  In the distance, Julien’s little Jack Russell was limping towards us, tail wagging in between her legs as she held up her paw.

  ‘What have you done to yourself, girl?’ Julien soothed, stroking her furry little head.

  ‘Aw!’ Becky said, running over and stroking the dog. ‘What’s her name?’

  ‘Mojo,’ Julien replied. He leaned down to look at the dog’s paw. It yelped loudly as he touched it. ‘Looks like she’s torn her claw, probably getting caught up in the bushes again.’

  ‘Oh no, poor puppy,’ Becky said, pouting.

  Idris strolled over. ‘Mojo okay?’ he asked Julien.

  ‘Injured her paw.’

  Idris looked towards Donna. ‘Donna, will you get the first aid kit?’

  She jumped up and ran into the cave. I noticed how she was like a little soldier around Idris, following his every command. Donna returned a moment later with a green case in her hands and laid it on the beach, kneeling down as others came over.

  ‘You’ll have to restrain Mojo,’ Idris said to Julien. ‘We have to get it off so a new one can grow back. It’ll bleed.’

  Julien nodded and gently grabbed hold of his dog. Idris got a nail clipper out and started trying to clip the nail off but the dog squirmed.

  ‘It’s okay,’ Becky said in her sweet soft voice, leaning close to the dog’s furry ear. It looked up at her and she started singing a lullaby, making it calm.

  Idris and I looked at each other in surprise.

  ‘My daughter, the dog whisperer,’ I said. ‘Who knew?’

  ‘Well then Becky, it looks like you have the special touch,’ Idris said. ‘Here, take this,’ he added, handing her a gauze from the first aid kit.

  ‘I don’t know what to do with it,’ Becky said, looking worried.

  Idris looked her in the eye. ‘I trust you. When I clip the nail off, it will bleed, a lot. I hope you don’t mind a bit of blood?’ Becky shook her head. ‘I want you to quickly cover the area with the gauze and press hard to stem the blood.’

  ‘Okay,’ Becky said.

  ‘What if the dog bites her?’ I asked, suddenly worried.

  ‘She won’t,’ Idris said. ‘There are certain people that have a way with animals. Your daughter is one of them. Ready?’ Idris said to Becky.

  Becky nodded. Idris quickly cut the nail off, the dog yelping, and Becky pressed the gauze to the dog’s nail as blood seeped up, starting to sing again to calm her. After a while, the bleeding stopped. Idris nodded at Julien and Julien let Mojo go. The sweet little dog slumped onto Becky, licking her hand.

  ‘She likes me,’ Becky said.

  Idris nodded. ‘You’re a natural, Becky. I believe you’ve just found your calling in life.’

  ‘What’s a calling?’ Becky asked.

  ‘The thing you’re meant to do. You’ll work with animals, I can sense it.’

  ‘You mean a vet?’ Becky asked.

  Idris nodded. Becky peered up at her mum. ‘Mummy, I want to be a vet!’

  I looked at her in surprise. Becky had never expressed a desire to be a vet before, just a princess or pirate.

  ‘You’d make a wonderful vet, darling,’ I said.

  Becky leaned against me as the dog fell asleep on her lap. The rest of the group dispersed and it was just mother and daughter, sitting on the beach in the late afternoon light, watching gulls swoop for fish in the sea.

  ‘I want to be here forever,’ Becky said wistfully.

  ‘Me too,’ I replied. My heart soared but then I felt the watch ticking in my pocket, reminding me we had precious little time left before I had to march Becky home to an angry Mike.

  When dinner was served, indicating it was six thirty and past the time I was due to drop Becky off, I ignored the warning voice in my head. Mike couldn’t dictate when and where I could see my own child!

  But then I saw a familiar figure striding down the beach.

  ‘Look, it’s Daddy!’ Becky said.

  I looked at his face. Mike was fuming.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Selma

  Kent, UK

  30 July 1991

  Becky jumped up and waved to her dad, then suddenly stopped. ‘Oh. I shouldn’t have done that. It’s a secret, right?’

  ‘It’s okay,’ I said, faking a sm
ile. I’d asked her earlier to say we went to the café. ‘I think we’ve been busted anyway.’

  Becky jumped up, running to her dad. He leaned down to cuddle her, glaring at me over her head.

  ‘I had such fun!’ I heard Becky exclaim as they walked over to me. ‘I went fishing and swimming really far out, further than I’ve ever been! Oh, and I saved a dog’s paw, and it didn’t even bite me even though Mummy said it might.’

  Wow, that’ll go down well.

  ‘Before you say anything, I didn’t plan on coming here,’ I lied. ‘We were swimming and then Becky saw the cave and ran to it before I could stop her.’ Becky looked at me, frowning at the lie. But she didn’t say anything. ‘We were about to leave. It’s just that this dog got injured and—’

  ‘The dog that bites?’ Mike asked sarcastically.

  I laughed nervously. ‘That dog wouldn’t harm a fly. I was just being over-cautious.’

  ‘Right, yes, that’s what you are Selma, always so cautious. Letting our daughter swim out to sea, tend to injured dogs. Taking her to the cave I begged you not to.’ He looked into the cave, shaking his head at the empty wine glasses on the table. ‘Yes, very cautious indeed.’

  Becky looked between us, a confused expression on her face.

  ‘It’s just half an hour, Mike!’ I said.

  ‘Thirty minutes longer then we agreed! And you brought her to this bloody place!’ He looked towards Oceane and Caden who were drunkenly swinging each other around. ‘I won’t have her being here, among these people. It’s not right for a child.’ He paused, face going very cold. ‘I clearly can’t trust you. This puts me in a very difficult position.’

  I felt panic build inside. What did he mean by that?

  ‘Mike, let’s talk about this sensibly,’ I said, putting my hand out to him.

  He stepped away from me, shaking his head. ‘I can’t rely on you to be sensible. Come on, Becky.’ He grabbed Becky’s hand but she resisted him, trying to pull away.

  ‘I like it here, Daddy!’ she exclaimed.

  ‘See!’ I said, going after him and taking Becky’s other hand, anger surging through me. ‘Becky likes being here. You can’t stop me from seeing her, from bringing her here!’

  ‘Can’t I?’ I could see the look on Mike’s face, a steely determination. It scared me.

  ‘Don’t you threaten me!’ I said in a low voice.

  ‘Ow, you’re hurting me, Mummy and Daddy!’

  I looked down at Becky, her arms outstretched, one wrist clutched by each parent. I dropped Becky’s arm, tears filling my eyes.

  ‘Say goodbye to your mum,’ Mike said.

  ‘I want to stay,’ Becky replied, wrapping her arms around my waist and pressing her face into my tummy. I stroked my daughter’s hair, blinking back tears as I looked at Mike.

  ‘I’m her mum,’ I said to him. ‘I won’t let you stop me seeing her.’

  ‘You might not have a choice in the matter.’

  ‘And you might not either,’ I spat back. ‘You can’t watch her twenty-four hours a day, can you?’

  His eyes widened. ‘What do you mean by that?’

  I looked down at Becky, trying to contain my anger. ‘Go to Daddy, darling. Mummy will see you very soon.’ I gave her a hug then gently pushed her towards Mike. Becky started crying and I had to turn away, stifling a sob.

  ‘Why can’t you just come back with us?’ Becky shouted at me as Mike pulled her away.

  I pursed my lips together, still unable to look at her. ‘Mummy can’t. She just can’t.’

  It wasn’t until they left the beach that I turned, watching as they disappeared across the road. Then I sank down onto the sand and sobbed.

  I stayed like that for a while, not even going to join the others for the feasting, my appetite gone. Nobody approached me, knowing as they always seemed to that I needed to be alone. I was shaking with rage. How dare Mike say all that? I was Becky’s mum, for God’s sake!

  I picked up a fistful of sand, flinging it into the distance.

  ‘You okay?’

  I looked up to see Idris approaching.

  ‘No, not really. Mike—’

  He put his hand up. ‘No need to tell me. All that matters is now. I want you to do something for me. Go into the sea.’

  I frowned, peering out at the growing darkness and slippery rocks that spread out between me and the frothing waves. ‘Now?’

  ‘Yes, now.’

  ‘My swimsuit’s drying in the cave.’

  ‘No need for it. Go in your clothes.’ He smiled. ‘Trust me. I’ll be with you.’ He stood, kicking his flip-flops off. I hesitated a moment then I did the same. He took my hand and led me over the rocks, the seaweed squelching beneath the soft skin of my feet. Sometimes, I trod on broken shells, their jagged edges cutting into my feet. But Idris encouraged me along, telling me to blank out the pain and focus on the sea ahead instead.

  When we stepped into the waves, I saw blood shimmer around my feet. But I ignored it, putting one foot in front of the other, the splash of the water echoing in the tranquil silence of the low tide. As we got further in, my top and long skirt grew heavy, making it hard to walk. But I continued until the waves were to my chest, my breath shallow.

  Idris made me stop, his hands on my shoulders as he looked at me. ‘Close your eyes and feel the weight of your clothes, how they drag you down.’

  I closed my eyes, felt my floral skirt bubble up around me, my sodden vest heavy against my skin.

  ‘Now think of all that has passed between you and your husband this evening, this week, this month, this year. All the years. All the weight of the years, the dark thoughts, the negative vibes. Feel them all weighing you down.’

  I took in a deep breath, my mind going back in time: first my argument with Mike, then my strange numbness recently, those difficult few months after Becky was born. And then my mother, tongue like acid, words ballooning around me like the skirt I was wearing now, so heavy my feet were sinking into the sand below. I thought of the other dark times I’d experienced, times long forgotten. How I would feel a black cloud descending over me and the see-saw between intense anxiety and strange numbness. Even my teachers had noticed and I’d been referred to a counsellor. The counsellor had tried to blame it on my mother. Yes, my mother’s words took my depression to a whole new level. Made me feel even more unworthy. But it was more than that, wasn’t it?

  ‘Now open your eyes,’ Idris said. I did as he asked, looking into his beautiful face in the dying light, heavy now with the weight of his gaze as his eyes travelled over me. ‘Take your clothes off. I won’t look, I’ll turn my back to you. Take every scrap off.’

  I laughed. ‘Now this is where I definitely say no.’

  He smiled back. ‘Selma, I adore your cynicism, I really do. It’s what makes you unique. But I think sometimes it can hold you back. I need you to trust me, just as you did when I showed you the cave. It’ll be worth it, really.’ Then he turned away.

  I hesitated a moment then a thrill ran through me.

  What the hell?

  I pulled my vest off, unhooking my bra, sighing as I always did at the feel of my breasts being free of pinching wires. Then I leaned down, clutching onto Idris’s strong arm for balance as I pulled my skirt off, then my knickers. With each item that was removed, I felt lighter, freer. I watched my clothes float away, my skirt a bed of flowers in the sea.

  ‘I’m going back now to get you a towel,’ Idris said, still not turning. ‘I’ll be waiting for you on the shore. Stay here for a few moments, take it in.’

  I closed my eyes, smelling the salty air, hearing the ripple of the waves. He was right, the lightness I felt was overwhelming.

  After a while, I opened my eyes to see Idris standing in the shallow waves, holding up a towel. He was watching me but I didn’t care, I walked towards him without covering myself. It somehow seemed completely natural and the way he looked at me as I approached, so different from the way other men savoured my curves
like they were food.

  When I got to him, his eyes were on mine. He wrapped the towel around my shoulders, covering my nakedness, and I felt desire stir in the pit of my stomach at the proximity of him.

  He leaned in close to me. ‘How do you feel?’ he whispered in my ear.

  ‘Like I was gliding.’

  He smiled. ‘Now you know how it feels to walk on water.’

  I tried to call Mike the next day from a phone box in town. I didn’t want things left as they were. When there was no answer, I turned up at the house, but I could see that the lights were off and there was no car outside. Maybe that was a good thing – it would give him some time to calm down. I vowed to arrange a meet-up the next day and buried myself in my writing instead. It was another beautiful day, swathes of blue sky with wispy threads of cloud. The cave provided a cool respite from the heat and, as I began to write, aware of everyone else around me working on their creative pieces, my mind began to enter a strange rhythm, matching the swish of Idris’s paintbrush and the ebb of the waves outside. It was different from how I’d felt before. Instead of everything disappearing, the noises and the smells around me built into a crescendo, adding to the sound of my pen on paper, encouraging me along. And as it did so, I felt myself rocking slightly to the music in my mind, my heart soaring with each word I wrote.

  When I reached the end of a particularly intense scene, I gasped, as though coming up for air. Sounds separated, became normal again: the chitter chatter of Donna and Julien outside, the yelp of Caden and Oceane splashing about in the water, the swish of Idris’s brush and the whir of Maggie’s clay wheel.

  ‘I told you you’d do it.’

  I looked up to see Idris smiling down at me. ‘Do what?’ I asked.

  ‘The current. You were in the current, I can tell. You can’t deny it.’

  I looked at him dubiously. ‘I’m not sure about being in the current. I think it’s just being here with no distractions.’

  ‘Always the cynic,’ Idris said, smiling.

  ‘You wouldn’t have me any other way.’ We held each other’s gaze, his eyes dropping briefly to my lips then up again.