The Lost Sister

by Tracy Buchanan

  But then I thought of Becky. How would I get time with her if I moved to Spain? Maybe Mike would relent to allow a couple of holidays a year to Spain during her half-terms, even if he had to come too. It would mean more quality time with my daughter, wouldn’t it?

  I looked at Idris, heart thumping like it had once before when I’d walked towards this cave for the first time, on the precipice of change and hope.

  ‘I think this might be the solution to all our problems.’

  Idris nodded. ‘I think it might,’ he said.

  On Christmas morning, I met up with Becky in good spirits. I’d booked a special brunch for us at a local restaurant using some of the money Idris had put aside for a deposit on a flat. We wouldn’t need it now! He’d even bought me a beautiful structured cardigan which perfectly hid my bump. I promised myself I’d tell Becky I was pregnant at some point. I couldn’t keep the fact she had a little brother or sister on the way a secret for much longer, but I didn’t want to rock our already fragile relationship.

  Becky walked into the hotel with Mike, looking her usual sulky self. She was wearing a red dress, but she looked uncomfortable in it, pulling at the collar. I stood to greet her, her Christmas present on the floor beside me. I hadn’t been able to afford much but I’d found a beautiful pink castle in the local charity shop, so tall it was up to my waist! I knew Becky would love it.

  ‘Merry Christmas, Selma,’ Mike said when they got to me.

  I smiled at him. Part of me still hated him for what he’d done. But what was the point of all the bitterness?

  ‘You too, Mike.’ I turned to Becky. ‘Don’t you look gorgeous! Merry Christmas, darling!’

  I kissed Becky’s cheek and hugged her, but Becky remained stiff in my arms.

  ‘See you at twelve?’ Mike said.

  ‘Absolutely!’

  When he left, Becky took the seat across from me.

  ‘Isn’t it so Christmassy?’ I said, looking around at all the decorations and huge tree. I wondered how Christmas was celebrated in Spain. Would it be hot in the winter? We’d tried to make the cave feel festive but it was growing so damp in there, many of the decorations deteriorated, the tree we’d put outside swept away by a particularly high tide one evening.

  We won’t have to put up with that for long, I thought in excitement.

  ‘And the tree, isn’t it huge?’ I said to Becky, desperate to infect her with my festive cheer.

  But Becky just shrugged. I took a deep breath. I clearly had a lot of work to do to win her over. We ordered our food and I tried to make conversation, asking Becky about school, her friends, what other plans she had for Christmas. But Becky just answered in monosyllabic sentences.

  ‘Do you want to open your present now?’ I asked her when our plates were taken away. ‘Your dad will be here soon.’

  Becky looked towards the large box, face lighting up slightly. Presents always did the trick! I slid the box towards her and she instantly started pulling the wrapping off. I watched in excitement as the paper fell away to reveal the pink castle.

  ‘Isn’t it fab?’ I said.

  Becky frowned.

  ‘Oh. Do you have one already?’ I asked.

  Becky sighed, looking up at me. ‘Mum, I’m eight. I don’t play with dollhouses any more.’

  I felt a stab of pain. ‘I’m sorry, darling. Let me see if I can take it back.’

  ‘It’s fine. I mean, it’s not like we see each other much so I guess it’s not your fault you didn’t know.’

  I reached across the table, grabbing her hand. ‘Darling, we’ve seen each other every week! I know it’s not ideal but—’

  ‘It doesn’t matter anyway,’ Becky said, folding her arms and staring into the distance. ‘I’m leaving Queensbay soon.’

  My heart slammed against my chest. ‘What?’

  ‘We’re moving to Busby-on-Sea to be near Nanny and Grandad. Dad’s going to tell you when he picks me up, because he didn’t want to ruin our brunch. But I said you’ll be fine with it.’ She paused, looking me in the eye. ‘Aren’t you? I mean, you’re so busy with the writing and the cave and stuff anyway.’

  ‘I’m never too busy for you! Your dad can’t just move you away without checking with me!’ I tried to wrap my head around it. ‘When did he make this decision?’

  Becky shrugged. I slumped against the chair, heart racing. How could Mike do this to me?

  When Mike walked into the restaurant a few moments later, I jumped up, striding towards him.

  ‘What’s this about you and Becky moving?’ I asked him. ‘Aren’t you supposed to check with me first?’

  ‘She told you?’

  ‘Yes.’

  He sighed. ‘That’s what I was going to do now – check with you.’

  ‘Then I say no.’

  He looked me in the eye. ‘It’s within a reasonable distance, she’ll have her grandparents there to help. There’s a great school there. Can’t you see what a good move this would be for her?’

  ‘But I have weekly visitation rights!’

  ‘Really?’ He crossed his arms. ‘How many of those have you missed?’

  ‘I was ill!’ And I really was, puking my guts up because of the pregnancy. But how could I tell him that? ‘And Becky made her excuses too.’

  He looked up at the ceiling. ‘Aren’t you exhausted with this all, Selma? Can’t you just want what’s best for our daughter?’

  I followed his gaze towards Becky, who was sitting at the table alone, eyes on a new handheld game she’d clearly got from Mike for Christmas.

  ‘Becky and I had a long chat the other week when I ran the plans past her,’ Mike said, ‘and she likes the idea. She wants to make a fresh start. Truth is, she’s being bullied at school.’

  I frowned. ‘Why didn’t you tell me?’

  ‘I only found out myself recently.’

  ‘Because of me?’

  ‘Why else?’

  I closed my eyes. I used to get bullied myself because of my mum and all the men she used to date. ‘Your mum’s a whore,’ kids would say. ‘So that makes you a whore.’

  ‘I don’t think you know what a toll this has all taken on her, Selma,’ Mike continued. ‘I think it will be good to get her away from the constant reminder that her mum lives in a cave … and not with her.’ He put his hand on my shoulder. ‘There’s a train that runs direct from Queensbay to Busby-on-Sea, just an hour’s journey. I’ll even pay the fare for your visits and we’ll come back once a month so you can spend a whole day with her.’

  ‘But I’m supposed to see her every week,’ I said quietly. As I said that, I felt the baby kick. It had started kicking a week ago. It was going to get harder and harder to hide it from Becky and Mike, especially Mike who I was convinced would report me to social services if he found out I was pregnant.

  ‘Anyway, we won’t be moving until spring. Maybe early summer,’ Mike said. ‘That’s if we do move. I won’t go if you insist. But I think we need to put Becky first, don’t you?’

  I felt my shoulders slumping in defeat. Maybe he was right. Maybe this was the best thing to do after all.

  ‘Okay,’ I whispered.

  As Christmas and the New Year rolled by, I threw myself into revising my novel from the pages Maggie had typed up. I needed to take my mind off Becky moving. I hadn’t even told Idris; thinking about it was too painful, let alone talking about it. I also focused on Julien’s plans to go to Spain; we were planning to fly out there in the spring, once Julien received his pay-out.

  In the meantime, I tried to see Becky when I could, but my belly was growing too big and once I made my first excuse for not meeting up, it was easy to continue, especially when Becky was so silent and moody when we did spend time together. Instead, I went into town every few days to call her under the cover of darkness. But Becky was making her own excuses too: too tired to talk to me, seeing friends, busy with homework. Even Mike seemed saddened by the deteriorating relationship between his wife and daughter. A
nd it sickened me, a good night’s sleep now a distant memory as I lay awake, wracked with guilt. I tried to tell myself I had another child to think about now, one I could make a fresh start with, but it was no use. I still yearned for Becky.

  I started latching onto the idea of Spain as our only hope to repair our relationship. Maybe Becky could spend the entire summer holidays with me out there?

  But when early spring arrived, Julien still hadn’t received his pay-out.

  ‘Any news, Julien?’ I asked him one particularly freezing day.

  Julien avoided my gaze, focusing on the stool he was working on. ‘Nothing yet.’

  ‘When do you think the money’s coming? It’s just that they’ll not let me fly soon.’ I smiled, gesturing to my huge belly.

  Julien sighed. ‘Look, it’s probably best you don’t hang too much on this Spain thing, Selma.’

  I paused. ‘But it’s all we’ve been talking about. All you’ve been talking about.’

  He closed his eyes, taking in a deep breath. Then he opened them again. ‘I probably jumped the gun a bit. My solicitor told me it was a sure thing after the last court date and I took that as a yes. But they can’t track down the money. There’s a chance he spent it all.’

  I scrunched my fists together in frustration. ‘But we were relying on this!’

  Julien raked his hands through his black hair. ‘Yeah, I know. But hey, what’s stopping you and Idris going to Spain?’

  ‘Money!’ I shouted. Maggie, Caden and Idris looked up, shocked. But I was getting desperate. I’d relied on this plan of running away to Spain. Now I had just two months before I was due and yet I was no closer to securing either a safe family home for my baby or the chance of quality time with Becky.

  Idris strode over. ‘What’s going on?’

  ‘We’re going to have our baby taken off us, that’s what’s going on,’ I said, biting my nails as I paced back and forth.

  ‘What do you mean?’ Idris said.

  ‘Ask him,’ I said, flinging my arm towards Julien. ‘I can’t think about this any more.’ Then I stomped into the cave, welcoming its darkness.

  It was all ruined. Everything was ruined.

  I looked down at my growing baby. What did this mean for my child?

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  Becky

  Kungar Ice Caves, Russia

  4 July 2018

  Becky and Kai stand outside the cave. They are back again after going to the hospital that morning, where it had been confirmed Kai’s ankle was just bruised. In daylight, tourists mill about, the large iron gates open to the vast ice caves. But Becky is standing quietly amongst all the hustle and bustle, thinking about the fact she is finally about to meet the child her mum had given birth to all those years before.

  ‘You okay?’ Kai asks.

  ‘I’m fine,’ Becky says. She shakes her head. ‘No, that’s a lie actually. I’m bloody nervous. I haven’t been this nervous since my veterinary final exams. No, it’s worse than that,’ she adds, laughing nervously. ‘Or should I say, better than that.’

  ‘Totally better!’ Kai says with a bright smile on this face. ‘This is huge, possibly the most important meeting of your life.’

  ‘That is not making me any less nervous, Kai!’

  As she says that, Lev approaches with a woman. She has long white hair like Idris’s, and is tall and slender. There’s a child with her, aged about three or four. They’re both wearing summer dresses, sandals, and flowers in their hair.

  Becky feels breathless for a moment. Is that her sister … and does this mean she has a niece too? They’re both so beautiful.

  ‘Well, she looks like Idris from the photos I’ve seen of him,’ Kai whispers.

  ‘She does, doesn’t she?’ Becky replies, realising her voice is shaking.

  ‘This is Solar,’ Lev says when they get to them, his hand on his wife’s back. ‘And this is Liliya.’ He gently pushes the little girl forward, who curtsies at Becky and Kai.

  Becky smiles. ‘Aren’t you beautiful, Liliya?’ She peers up at Solar … her sister. Was she really there, right in front of her? ‘Hello, Solar,’ she says.

  ‘Hello, Becky.’ She has brown eyes, elfin features.

  ‘I’ve been looking for you everywhere,’ Becky says with a nervous laugh.

  Solar smiles. ‘So I’ve heard.’

  ‘Can – can we sit?’

  ‘Of course.’

  ‘We’ll leave you to it,’ Kai says, shooting Becky a smile as he walks off with Lev and Liliya.

  The two women stroll to a nearby bench.

  ‘I’m not quite sure where to start,’ Becky says, looking into Solar’s eyes. She seems nervous, quiet. Maybe Idris was like that, insular, contemplative? Becky never got the chance to properly meet him.

  ‘Then let me start,’ Solar says. ‘I’m afraid to say I’m not your sister.’

  Disappointment crushes Becky. ‘But … your name. And you lived in the caves with Idris, right? In Spain, Slovenia, visited this place with him?’ Becky says, looking around her.

  ‘Yes, Idris is my father. But we do not share the same mother.’

  Becky thinks of the other name etched onto the wall of the cave.

  ‘Is your mother Oceane?’ she asks Solar.

  Solar nods. ‘Yes.’

  ‘But I thought she was with Caden?’

  Solar nods again. ‘It happened before Idris met your mother. She ran away when she found out she was pregnant, worried what effect it would have on your mother and Idris. And about what my grandmother would say.’

  Becky puts her hands over her face, trying to wrap her head around what she’s saying. ‘I’ve been on a wild goose chase!’

  Solar puts her hand on Becky’s shoulder. ‘I’m so sorry, Becky. This is why I wanted to tell you myself, to your face, after Lev told me everything you told him this morning.’

  ‘So what about the child my mum gave birth to? Did she even have a child?’

  ‘She did. But I’m afraid I don’t know much more than that. My mother’s on holiday, but I spoke to my grandmother and she confirmed your mother did have a baby. She wants to talk to you when you return to the UK. Here’s her number – her name’s Donna. She said to call any time.’ She hands over a piece of paper.

  Becky is quiet for a few moments as she looks at it, taking it all in. Then she stands up. ‘I appreciate you coming out to meet with me.’

  Solar smiles sadly. ‘It’s a pleasure. If you need to talk, I’m here. As Children of the Current we must stick together.’

  Becky looks at the girl she thought was her sister and shakes her head. ‘I was never a Child of the Current.’ Then she walks away, one question raging in her mind: what happened to the baby her mum gave birth to?

  Chapter Thirty-Three

  Selma

  Kent, UK

  13 April 1992

  We were all sitting at the table inside, sheltered from the heavy rain. The flames of the fire we’d lit leapt up the walls of the cave, making dark tattoos on everyone’s skin. I put my hand to my huge stomach, felt my baby stir inside. I looked over at Idris. He was quiet too, peering at the shadows cast by the large gate. Maggie and Julien were inside, talking in low voices. I had a feeling they might leave soon so it would just be me and Idris.

  Would that be so bad?

  He noticed me watching him. ‘How’s the last chapter coming along?’

  ‘I finished it.’ I felt numb as I said it. Why did I feel so numb?

  His eyes widened. ‘Why didn’t you tell me?’

  ‘I was going to.’

  ‘We have to celebrate!’ He jumped up to tell the others but I grabbed his hand.

  ‘Just us two,’ I said. ‘Can we do something normal?’

  He frowned. ‘Normal?’

  ‘Like go out for dinner.’

  ‘Is that what you really want?’

  ‘Yes,’ I said, squeezing his hand. ‘Don’t you think it would be nice to get away for a few hours, just
the two of us?’

  He nodded. ‘Okay. If that’s what you want.’

  ‘Thank you,’ I said, smiling. I’d found myself yearning for normality lately. I’d even started craving the microwave ready meals I used to share with Mike, both silent as we ate and watched something on TV. Not the cave and its gloomy damp walls.

  Idris and I found a new restaurant along the beach, in the opposite direction to the town, where no one would recognise us. It sat right on the seafront and served a plethora of seafood. For those three hours, it really felt to me like we were just a normal couple who lived in a normal house with normal jobs. Of course, I noticed the looks we received: Idris with his beautiful long hair and green eyes, me a contrast with my long dark hair and huge belly. But that was fine. Nobody there knew we were from the cave, as far as I knew. We were anonymous … and alone. Just the two of us.

  But then a familiar face appeared.

  ‘Donna?’ I said.

  Donna paused as she saw us. She was with a man, his arms covered in tattoos. She said something to him and walked over, staring in surprise at my tummy. I thought of what I’d learned about her in court, ABH against a minor.

  ‘Wow, look at you!’ she said. ‘I had no idea.’

  Idris and I exchanged tense looks.

  ‘Don’t worry,’ Donna said. ‘I won’t say anything.’ She frowned. ‘Are you still in the cave?’

  I nodded, wrapping my cardigan around my tummy. Could I really trust Donna not to say anything?

  ‘I presume you’ve seen a doctor,’ Donna said, ‘got your birth plan sorted?’ She laughed. ‘God, listen to me, reverting to my midwifery days.’

  I suddenly felt the urge to beg Donna to come back, despite what she’d done. Maggie had been reading up on delivering babies so she could help when the time came, but how could that beat a proper, qualified midwife like Donna?

  ‘She has it all sorted,’ Idris said, putting his hand over my stomach. Donna looked at him, frowning. ‘How’s Tom?’ he asked.

  Donna sighs. ‘Good. But he’ll have a permanent limp.’

  ‘I’m so sorry,’ Idris murmured.

  ‘And Oceane?’ I asked. Idris tensed. I thought about the two of them sometimes, two beautiful people making love. But it had all happened before Idris and I got together, he’d assured me of that.