Peace of Her Heart

by Lyndie Strawbridge

  “I hate being late,” she replied.

  “Since when?” Nick teased, and then he took a sideways look at her. “Why are you so worked up about it?” he asked, twisting in his chair and peering into her face. “Is something else going on? Are you late because of a flat tire or something?”

  “No, no, it’s nothing like that,” she said, leaning back in the chair and gazing up at the waffled fluorescent lights. “I’m late because I had kind of a fight on the phone with Raff, and it threw me off of my schedule because I got preoccupied by it afterward,” she said, relieved that Nick had given her an opening to discuss this. She needed to talk to someone about Raffie immediately, and she was glad that Nick was going to be that someone.

  “Well, that’s a bummer,” Nick said, as he tossed his ink pen down onto the table. “What was the fight about, if you don’t mind telling me?” And Maddie really wanted to tell him, so she did. It was sort of embarrassing, admitting that she’s been cheated on, but she wanted to know if Nick bought the whole story about Raff just getting swept up in the hippie culture. Maybe if Nick believed Raffie’s story, she could believe it too.

  But Nick didn’t believe it at all. He let out a low whistle and shook his head. He said, “Mm!” a couple of times as Maddie recounted the conversation. He looked her in the eyes and his mouth pulled into a little grimace. “I think this is bad news, Maddie. I think this is really bad news,” he said compassionately.

  “Oh, great. I thought so too,” she admitted with a sigh. “When he told me, I thought, ‘He has probably had sex with that girl.’ Do you think he has?”

  Nick hesitated a moment, then nodded his head solemnly. He followed that up with a head shake, and leaned back in his chair with his arms crossed over his chest. “You can do better than that guy, Maddie. You really can.”

  She sighed. “I know,” she said. “When he gets back to Redwine, I think I will probably break it off with him, but I’m not sure. It’s hard to decide this kind of thing long-distance. Maybe when I see him in person again, I’ll know that everything is okay between us.”

  Nick didn’t look particularly happy about her plan, but he forced out a few encouraging words and then turned their attention to the paper. It was nearly finished. Maddie had untangled her analysis and re-ordered it according to Nick’s suggestions. It actually made sense now and as they’d had more and more writing sessions she’d felt more and more of a desire to please Nick with her work. He was so earnest about the importance of writing a good paper; it was endearing and she was glad she hadn’t disappointed him.

  All that was left was to write the conclusion paragraph. It was, in Nick’s opinion, the hardest part to write, and Maddie was inclined to agree. She flipped her laptop open—she’d begun bringing it to the library with her—and the two of them scooted their chairs closer together so that they could both see the screen.

  Maddie had typed out a tentative conclusion paragraph, but Nick didn’t like it. “You see what you’re doing here?” he said, leaning closer and tapping the screen with his pen. “You’re introducing new ideas. If you do that, the professor will wonder why you mentioned all this stuff at the end but were too rushed to discuss it in the paper itself. So just cross all of this out.” He reached over and pressed the backspace key.

  Maddie watched as the words vanished from the screen, but she wasn’t really thinking about what Nick had said. What she was thinking was that Raff could never be the one sitting here, helping her to pass her summer class. Nick was better boyfriend material. Nick was the kind of guy that could help you figure out how to have a real future.

  He angled the laptop more toward himself and tapped out a few sentences. He was talking about synthesis and closure, and Maddie couldn’t really listen; she wanted to, because she’d grown to enjoy working with Nick, but she’d become caught up in the scene that the two of them were presenting: the handsome college guy and the cute college girl cozied up together in the library, heads close, arms entangled as they each reached for the keyboard.

  “See, Maddie, it only has to be four or five sentences, like that,” he said a half-hour later. “Plus, I see you’ve done all your citations already.” He gestured at the screen as he scrolled up and down. “I’m not going to lie to you: this paper still needs a lot of work. But it’s good enough to pass. I estimate it at a C+ or B-. Congratulations,” he said as he turned to her. Their faces were close, and for a split-second he pulled back. In the next split-second a look came into his eyes that Maddie had seen in the eyes of men before. It was a look of deliberation and desire. He wants to kiss me, she thought, and he’s not sure he should lean forward and try.

  She blinked her eyes at him, trying to convey the modifier “doe-like” and wondered if he was going to go through with it or not. She had never cheated on a boyfriend, but Raff had cheated first. Maybe some payback was in order. She opened her mouth a little and immediately felt the gesture was too forward, so she shut it again, rubbing her lips together.

  “Maddie,” Nick said sharply, breaking the little spell that was being woven between them. She sighed.

  “What?” she asked, turning down the corners of her mouth.

  “Let’s print that paper and go stick it under Humboldt’s door.”

  She collapsed against his arm, gently pounding his shoulder with her forehead. “Nick,” she lamented. “I thought you were going to suggest something different. Anything more interesting than walking across campus at night.”

  “No, no,” he said pleasantly, shoving her off of him and smiling at her. “Come on. I’ve got some money in my library printing account. Email that paper to me and we’ll print it from one of the computers downstairs.”

  She angled the laptop back toward herself and sent the paper while Nick put his things back in his bag. She felt so deflated; it had been the perfect opportunity. She briefly wondered if she should have taken the lead and then realized that would have been the worst move possible; a guy like Nick wouldn’t like a girl who’d cheat on a boyfriend, even if it was as good as over with the boyfriend.

  She watched Nick disappear down the stairs and suddenly became startled by what she was thinking; here she sat, deciding that it was as good as over with Raffie. Was that true?

  She slung her bag over her shoulder and walked to the elevator. In the little elevator foyer, she pressed the button and then immediately grew impatient, turning and entering the stairwell instead, tromping down the stairs in a little fog.

  In the library lobby, she found Nick, her essay already printed and in his hands. He waved it in the air over his head with a happy little grin. She smiled back at him; she couldn’t help herself.

  “Give me your bag,” he said as soon as she got near. He held out his hand and she wriggled free of the straps and dropped them across his palm. He tossed the bag over his shoulder and hopped a few feet ahead to hold open the library door for her.

  It was a pleasant night, and Maddie had lost her bearings. She wasn’t sure where the English Building was in relation to the library, but she shouldn’t have worried. Nick knew the way. They walked along the campus sidewalks and wound in between buildings, in and out of lamplights. There were a few other people out on the campus, making their way this way or that, but it was almost like a private park, and Maddie had to fight the feeling that it was a romantic walk, because of late the word romance had taken on a nasty connotation and she didn’t want to associate that with Nick.

  But even that was a strange thought; when had she ever associated Nick with romance? Why was the impulse arising at all? He was probably the least romantic fellow she’d ever met. Maddie looked over at him and took in his profile in the lamplights. He was telling a story about the pair of lemurs that supposedly lived hidden on the Redwine campus. Apparently, they’d broken free from a testing facility and had never been recovered. She’d never heard this particular bit of campus folklore before and Nick was kind of adorable as he told the story. He doubted it was true but thought he’d se
en a flash of lemur in the treetops one night. He didn’t know if it was merely the power of suggestion or what, but he’d chosen to believe that he’d actually seen the Redwine lemurs.

  “I believe you,” Maddie said. “If you think you saw one, maybe you saw one. And besides, it doesn’t even matter if you did or not. It’s fun to believe you did.” She smiled over at him and he looked at her with an expression that didn’t do much to hide how much he liked her.

  “Here we are,” he said, and he opened the door to the darkened university hall. They went inside and squinted at the doorplates.

  “I didn’t know they left the buildings open at night,” Maddie said. “Aren’t they afraid of burglars?” She looked back and forth across the empty hallway. The building seemed creepy and foreboding at night with no lights on.

  “They lock everything at night, except for the bathrooms,” Nick answered. “I guess nobody cares if homeless people come in here and wash up in the dead of the night.” Maddie could tell he was joking, but the thought made her a little nervous. She didn’t want to go into the restroom and find a homeless lady scrubbing her armpits. She was glad she didn’t need to pee.

  They found Humboldt’s office and Maddie knelt to slip the paper under the door. When she stood up again, she again found herself too close to Nick. She couldn’t tell if he’d gotten closer or if she’d shifted her position as she stood up and therefore had inadvertently risen almost into his arms. They looked at each other for a moment, and it was another pregnant moment, and Maddie wanted him to kiss her, and she wanted to feel his arms around her, but neither one of them did anything because Raffie was there, a ghost in the hallway.

  After a moment the two of them laughed awkwardly and quietly and turned away. The walk back to the car was pleasant but it was obvious that someone was in between them.

  Chapter 11

  At 1:00 a.m. on Sunday morning, the phone rang and Maddie was in no mood for it. She flopped out of bed and dug around in the dark until she found the phone, and when she answered it, she was greeted with Raffie’s excited voice on the other end. She wasn’t happy to hear from him at this time of the night, and part of her wasn’t happy to hear from him at all.

  “Maddie, baby, we’re coming home a day early!” he crowed into her ear. She did her best to sound enthusiastic as she said, “Oh, alright!” in response. She was exhausted from maintaining a peaceful façade with him. She felt the memory of his cheating confession and the sound of the name “Clover” against her ear—and she saw Nick, fixated on her laptop, repairing her horrible paper. And she saw Nick in the moonlight smiling about lemurs. And she saw Nick explaining the sonnet that describes the woman in plain terms. She’d made a point to memorize the name of it: Sonnet 130. She sighed. “I thought tomorrow night was the earliest you’d get back,” she said, rolling back into bed and tossing her forearm over her eyes.

  “All of us are on our way home except Brian!” he answered gaily. “And we’re only about two hours away,” he said, as Maddie suddenly wondered how they were traveling without Brian. Brian was the one who owned the car they were riding in. She had her answer a moment later when Raff said, “Well, it’s supposed to take two hours, but it might be more like three because we have to keep stopping to put oil in Clover’s engine.”

  A cold wave of aggravation washed over her, followed by an even colder wave of rage. “Clover is with you guys,” she said in her robot voice. Raff seemed to take no note of her robot voice and merrily explained that since Brian wasn’t ready to come back yet, things worked out so that Clover was bringing them back to Redwine.

  “And the thing is,” he continued, “Courtney and Clover don’t have a place to live right now, and so we’re all going to live at my place. Except, I thought since you are mad about me and Clover being close, that if you preferred, Clover could stay at your place.”

  “Are you kidding me?” Maddie hissed. “You’re bringing some chick back from Neo-Dead Tour—a chick that you admit to kissing—and you expect her to stay at my house?” She was having trouble controlling her voice. She was so glad that Karla was still out for the night; she didn’t have to worry about waking her. “I am not going to let the chick who you cheated with stay at my house!”

  “You really need to chill out and just practice loving people, Maddie. But it’s okay, she can stay with me,” he said, his honey-sweet voice as insulting and condescending as any snake’s.

  “No, dammit!” Maddie yelled, jabbing the air in front of her with an outstretched finger. “If that girl sleeps at your house then you and I are through. We’re finished!” Even as she was yelling it, she felt dishonest. She knew that they were already finished. But it was the principle of the thing; Clover should not be bedding down at Raffie’s. It just seemed so wrong.

  “Okay, okay,” he said soothingly. “She can sleep in her car, parked outside my house. How about that? Or do you want her to park the car outside your house, so you can keep an eye on her?”

  “Oh, now you’re dishing it out,” Maddie snapped. “This should not be my problem. You’re the cheater!” Her heart was thumping crazily inside her chest. It felt like it was going to bounce up her throat and out of her mouth.

  “I have to go,” he said abruptly, hanging up.

  “Did you just hang up on me?” Maddie bellowed into the quiet receiver. “Well, fine!” she hollered at nobody. “I’m going back to sleep!” And with that she tossed the phone across the room, rolled over into her delightful comforter and went to sleep with not a thought of him in her head, for the first time in weeks.

  ♥♥♥

  Maddie burst up into a sitting position in the dark. She stared blankly ahead for a moment, her nervous system on high alert, the hairs on the back of her neck standing. Then she heard it again: a rapping, tapping sound. She sat, frozen, for a moment until she heard it again. Her head swiveled and she looked at the bedroom window. Someone was knocking on it. And she realized who it must be.

  She swung her legs out of the bed and crossed the room, with its pink and black area rug, light green cozy chair and drapes, and white dresser. She dropped to her knees in front of the window and raised the blind a few inches. There was Raff’s face, looking in at her. He was crouching in the gravel of the flowerbed outside, and he looked ecstatic to see her. He gestured toward the other end of the duplex where the front door was, and said, “Let me in!”

  Maddie let the blinds drop as she stood up. She flopped sleepily to the front door and opened it, resigned to the fact that she’d have to deal with him. He was already there, waiting in the darkness, and he came at Maddie for an embrace. But at that moment her senses awakened and she leapt backward. “You stink,” she said.

  “Well, yeah, I stink,” he laughed. “I told you we had to stop every half hour and try to get Clover’s van running again. I probably have motor oil all over my sleeves.”

  “I suppose,” said Maddie, peering past Raffie’s shoulder and out into the parking lot. There it was: a blue and white VW Bus, doubtlessly with most of its original parts from 1970, idling in the pre-dawn stillness.

  “Maddie, you were really angry on the phone, and I forgive you for that,” Raff said, spreading his arms in a gesture that Maddie already knew so well: a gesture that was part of why she almost fell in love with him. “You told me to figure it out, and I have. My friends are going to stay at my place, and I will stay with you. That will work for tonight; Clover and I will not be near each other. But it’s only temporary—”

  “Right. It’s only temporary,” Maddie interrupted him, her eyes focusing on the driver of the van: a tiny, tiny woman with far-spread eyes, like a cow’s. Clover. Like a cow.

  “After you and I spend a little time face-to-face, you’ll feel better,” Raffie said. “You’ve got to realize, Maddie, that Clover and I have slept together under the stars for a week now. If I was going to betray you, I already would have. I haven’t. And when daylight comes, and you meet her, you’ll know the truth and love will come
into your heart and mind.”

  Maddie tore her eyes from the tiny woman in the van and looked instead at Raff’s face, obscured by the darkness and the moonlight. “Yeah, well, we’ll see,” she said, surprised to find no anger inside anymore, just a feeling of disconnect. Perhaps he was right. Perhaps come the morning light, and the grand introduction of Clover, she’d feel better about it all. She didn’t think it would make her want to continue with the relationship, however. “I don’t want to talk about any of this tonight. I don’t want to talk at all. And there is no way you’re sleeping in my bed after all this crap. You can sleep on the couch, with blankets, but not until you take a shower, because you really stink.”

  “Baby, we’ve been apart for weeks, and all you can do is think about showers?” he said, stepping through the threshold and into her den. She saw the van slowly pull away. “All I can think about is getting my arms around you, smelling your hair, melting into you,” he said, trying to catch her in an embrace. She skittered away from him, and for the first time, she got a good look at him.

  “Raffie,” she said, a little dumbfounded, “are you wearing a dress?” She asked even though there was no need to ask. It was quite plain that he was wearing a t-shirt with a long, flowing, multicolored hippie-girl skirt below. It swirled around his bare ankles and emphasized his bare feet. It did even moreso when he twisted his hips a little to twirl it, like he was doing now.

  “Yes. They’re so comfortable, so much better than pants,” he answered with a smile illuminated by the moonlight streaming through the windows. “I don’t think I’m ever going to wear pants again. And I’m not wearing anything underneath,” he said, again advancing toward Maddie, who again skittered backward through the room. Then she made a quick dart around him and shut the front door, locking it.

  “Raffie, you were right about the morning thing. We should just not talk until the morning. But I completely insist that you shower immediately.” She began to herd him through the den toward the hallway. He walked backward and kept making little grabs at her. She herded him all the way into the bathroom, flicking the light on as she turned away and shut the door. Then she went to the little coat closet in the den, selected a blanket and pillow, and deposited them on the couch. Her mind felt numb. She didn’t want to think about Raffie, and frankly she was angry that she was being forced to deal with all this stuff in the middle of the night: VW busses, strange women, men wearing dresses, no damn underwear. It was a headache.