Dear Villain

by Jacqueline Gilbert

The room seemed filled with the words of the poem; the firelight flickered and outside the snow began to fall gently. "Unless you can dream that his faith is fast." Liz realised that trust was probably the most important factor in any relationship. She sighed, thinking what time she had wasted, and remembered Adam's words when they parted in London. He was right; she had been frightened of the emotions he aroused in her. But what if it had not been wasted? Her pulse quickened as she thought of the ride home from Stretton on Christmas Day, of the long look he gave her when he spoke of taking root and how there would be the devil's own row if he couldn't, his tone almost challenging her in some way. And his kisses… the first so unexpected and demanding, the goodnight one so gentle and seemingly full of unspoken, tentative questions. And his card. To Elizabeth, from Adam. With love. Not much in themselves unless you had faith. So was it just wishful thinking on her part, imagining more there than was intended? But surely she had not imagined the bleak look on his face when he gave her Judy's ring. When she had denied it was hers there had been a fleeting look in his eyes that in retrospect could have been relief. She had been blind to herself for so long, could she not also have been blind about him?

  Impatiently Liz dialled the number again, listening to the burr, burr, and wondering what in heaven's name she was going to say when he answered. She need not have worried. It was not Adam who answered.

  Liz hesitated, a coldness sweeping over her. 'Louise?'

  'Yes, who is…? Lizzie! Is that you?'

  Liz winced as Louise's voice broke into pleasure.

  'Yes… I just wanted to speak to Adam, but it doesn't matter.'

  'He's not here at the moment, but I'm expecting him back any minute.' Her voice full of excitement, Louise rushed on: 'He's just gone to show his face at the theatre. They had him back at the hospital this afternoon for further X-rays, and it is only three cracked ribs. You can imagine how relieved I was when they strapped him up yesterday so that he could walk all right this morning. It caused some hilarity at the hospital, I can tell you! Oh, I forgot… you don't know yet. Lizzie, I've got something wonderful to tell you. I've been going to tell you once or twice but was too unsure of everything. Lizzie? Are you still there?'

  'Yes, I'm still here. Louise, and it's all right, I… I do know. I'm so happy for you both.' Liz had to struggle to get the words out.

  'Oh, Adam told you, after all, did he? He said he might and I didn't mind you knowing. Of course, we were going to tell the company yesterday, but then I didn't because of the crash.' She groaned. 'God, I didn't know if the wedding would be still on, you can imagine how I felt! Oh, Lizzie, I'm so happy, I can't believe I'm a married woman!' There was a pause and Liz heard her speak to someone in the background then she said: 'Liz, Adam's just walked in, I'll hand you over to him.'

  'Elizabeth?'

  Liz heard his voice, alive and vibrant, on the other end and replaced the receiver gently. Walking blindly to the window, she saw the snow falling faster now and people hurrying home, the newspaper boy whistling cheerily and next door's dog racing after the snowflakes… all normal, everyday sights. If it continued to snow… and snow… perhaps she could hibernate? "Unless you can die when the dream is past…" Well, she would not die. No one died of a broken heart these days. And she would not hibernate. She would go to the theatre tonight and smile and kiss Louise and shake Adam's hand and wish them both all the happiness in the world—and behind her smiling face she would be saying to herself, too late, you silly, foolish Lizzie, you left it too late.

  Shivering slightly, she sat down and stared for a long time into the fire. The flat was suddenly too quiet, too lonely. She looked at her watch—half-past five. She would walk to the theatre, it would do her good. She would mingle with the rest of the company and still be alone… but not lonely. The thought did pass her mind that perhaps she ought to have something to eat, but now the decision was made, she wanted to go. Mechanically she dressed warmly, finally pulling the cloche down over her ears and winding the long scarf snugly round her neck. Running quickly down the stairs, she let herself out, the cold night air making her face tingle. Opening the front gate, she saw a car doing a turn, drawing to a halt at the opposite curb, the engine still running. Simon's Stag. She ran lightly across the road and opening the passenger door, bent low, saying:

  'What a surprise, Simon, why…' trailing off in dismay as she saw the set face of Adam Carlyon looking at her.

  'Get in, Elizabeth,' he said as she made to move away. Startled and uncertain, she hesitated. He turned away, looking straight ahead, gloved hands gripping the steering wheel. 'Get in.'

  The tone was one to be obeyed, and heart thumping, Liz hurriedly climbed in, pulling the door behind her. With a roar the car leapt forward. Liz sank low in her seat and stared ahead, not daring to look at the man beside her, not daring to ask why he was here. The Stag was driven with contemptuous precision, which was almost as nerve-racking as the barely controlled anger that consumed its driver. As the theatre car park loomed up, Adam swung the wheel over and swept in, drawing to an abrupt halt. There was silence in the car. Snow quickly settled on to the windscreen, covering it in a glistening filigree. Adam turned a white face towards her.

  'There's no need to ask for an explanation of your behaviour on the telephone. It's quite apparent what you thought. Your opinion of myself is also quite apparent. It has taken me some weeks, but I've finally got the message. I had thought that you were beginning to… that we were moving towards a newer, warmer relationship, you must have felt this!'

  Liz made a helpless gesture with her hands, but he ignored her.

  'You obviously think I can kiss you one day and go off and marry someone else the next!' He moved suddenly and tensed, a spasm of pain engulfing his body, his face contorted.

  'Adam, please, your ribs…' began Liz helplessly.

  'I don't want your blasted pity!' he spat out. 'And now, for the record, I'll tell you about Louise. Louise and George Melling.' There was a pause while he allowed the name to penetrate. 'I'm sure you'll be interested to know that George and Louise were married this morning. For purely personal reasons their marriage was kept a secret.' He smiled grimly, the ugly bruise on his forehead accentuating the pallor of his face. 'I think that's all.'

  'Yes,' agreed Liz, her heart heavy with the finality of his voice. 'That's all.' For how could she expect him to forgive her lack of trust a second time? She swung open the door and got out. A car followed their tracks and now drew alongside. Martin flung open his door and leapt out, seeing Liz first and then Adam, who was removing himself painfully from the Stag. Martin crossed and shook his hand.

  'Hello, Adam! I can tell you're not up to much, but I'm very glad to see you on your feet. You gave us all a shock, you know.' He turned, smiling, to Liz. 'So you've told him after all? Good girl!'

  'No!' Liz said fiercely. 'No, I haven't, and if you do, Martin, I'll… I'll…'

  'Told me what?' asked Adam sharply, looking from one to the other.

  'It's nothing to do with you. This is between Martin and me!' flashed Liz.

  'Between you and Martin,' echoed Adam, looking at her strangely, then turning with a frown to Martin. 'But I thought it was you and Judy Lawson?'

  'So it is,' grinned Martin, 'so it is! Look, I'll have to push off now, time's running short. I'll have a word with you later,' and giving them both a beaming smile, he thrust his head down against the driving snow and disappeared in the direction of the stage door.

  Seeing Liz's stunned face, Adam gave a twisted smile.

  'We're neither of us very lucky, are we? I always did wonder about you and Sutton. A pity you didn't trust me, Elizabeth. You could have consoled yourself with the irresistible Adam Carlyon. What an opportunity you've missed for a good gloat!' He turned away. 'But it's too late now, I don't fancy second best… it's not my style.'

  Liz followed numbly. Yes, it was far too late…

  That the Queensbridge Civic Theatre performed the pantomime Humpty-Dumpty that
night Liz had no doubt. But so far as the resident DSM was concerned, hands, feet and voice obeyed automatically and instinctively the duties expected of her.

  She purposely lingered behind after the final curtain was lowered, finding jobs to do until the stage was quite empty. With only one small bulb giving a soft beam of light, Liz sat on the boards, her back to the proscenium arch, arms resting lightly on updrawn knees. For quite some time she sat not thinking of anything, just allowing herself a breathing space before moving on. It had been a mistake not eating earlier, but soon she would get up and go home. And go to bed. Tomorrow she would think. Tomorrow she would assemble the pieces of the jigsaw puzzle and try to fit them into their correct places.

  It was some moments before she became aware of the still figure watching her from the, opposite wings. Although in shadow, she knew who it was. Slowly walking across the stage, he stood looking down at her.

  'Pride,' said Adam Carlyon slowly, 'is the very devil. It shuts off oxygen to the brain and makes logical reasoning an impossibility.' He gave a small, wry smile. 'It also feeds on self-importance, kills a sense of humour and is of absolutely no use to a man in love.'

  Liz sat very still, the jigsaw beginning to take beautiful and amazing shape.

  'I've no excuses, Elizabeth, except… that where you're concerned I've always been on a knife-edge balance.'

  Her heart was thumping the blood so rapidly round her body that the slight feeling of light-headedness was now very real, although whether from lack of food or incredible knowledge she didn't know. Willing herself to look at his face, she caught her breath. This time, surely this time she would have the sense to comfort him? She slowly rose to her feet, leaning against the arch for support. Frowning, Adam began:

  'You're unhappy about Sutton, but…'

  'Not Martin, it's never been Martin,' she interrupted breathlessly.

  His face went still.

  'I fainted. When I…' She swallowed, but went resolutely on: 'When I read about your accident, I… thought you'd been killed.' She lifted her shoulders helplessly. 'I fainted.'

  Grey eyes looked into blue ones for a long moment.

  'Dear God,' said Adam Carlyon quietly. 'The things two intelligent people can do to each other. Come here, you silly, foolish imbecile.'

  'Adam,' Liz said firmly, 'go into the other room while I finish the coffee.' She looked at him leaning indolently against the door jamb, a lazy smile on his face. 'I'm just not used to you looking at me like that… you're making me nervous.'

  'How am I looking, Elizabeth?' he asked, amusement betraying the innocence of the question.

  'You know very well,' she answered, the look in his eyes making her face colour.

  'I've waited long enough for the right to look at you like this, my girl, and I'm enjoying every minute of it, especially when you blush so delightfully.'

  Liz shook her head and stared wonderingly at him.

  'I… I just can't believe that you…'Not only was it unbelievable, it was unsayable! 'I mean… how can you?'

  'Quite easily, my love. Come here and I'll make you believe it.'

  'Oh, no, you don't, Adam Carlyon. I can't think straight when you… when I… We have to talk!' she finished desperately.

  Adam sighed heavily. 'Who wants to think straight at a time like this? I want to kiss the girl and all she wants to do is talk!'

  'Oh, I want the kisses,' Liz said, dimpling her cheeks, 'but I want to hear about Louise for one thing, and when you first decided that you couldn't live without me, for another,' she added gravely, the tone belied by her eyes, brimming over with teasing laughter, and then she was promptly caught in an iron grip, her laughter dying as he looked steadily down at her.

  'On second thoughts,' she whispered softly, 'I'll settle for the kisses.' A few moments later Adam lifted his head and said ruefully:

  'I think, my love, we'd be wise to settle for the talk,' and rescuing the coffee cups he walked through to the main room, Liz following in a happy, bemused state.

  'Who's going to start?' asked Adam, settling himself cautiously on to the sofa and sipping the coffee, his dark eyes intent over the rim of the cup.

  'You are,' said Liz decisively, sitting opposite. The sofa looked very inviting, butt habit was still too strong in her to sit next to Adam, and besides, she could drink her fill of him and not have to worry about what shone out of her eyes. For so long she had trained herself to only glance casually at him and now she could indulge in gazing at him to her heart's content.

  He was sitting with the understandable care and posture of a man with injured ribs, and now that Liz looked closely, he had more superficial cuts and bruises than she had at first been led to believe. Her imagination shied away from the thought of the accident and she again offered her fervent thanks that his life had been spared. The deep cut above his right eye would scar and always be a reminder, but the rest, in time, would fade. Though his face was certainly pale and finely drawn, there was a new, relaxed look about his eyes and the mocking cynicism that had sat so ill upon his sensitive mouth was now completely dispelled by the gentle smile, seen so rarely but treasured secretly, that was on his lips at this moment.

  With a start, Liz realised that he was aware of her scrutiny, that he had been studying her just as closely, and her pulse quickened at the discernment in his eyes. She automatically lowered her lashes.

  'Elizabeth,' he reproved gently, and she said:

  'I'm sorry, Adam, but I just can't get used to the idea of you sitting there as if you belonged, as if you had the right.'

  'To tell the truth, girl dear, neither can I! Oh, yes,' he laughingly protested, seeing her raised brows, 'I know you think I have the confidence of Old Nick himself, but I can assure you I've had a few very bad moments. When I saw that confounded ring, for one. And this afternoon, when you put the telephone down. I believed that your opinion of me could never be altered and any ground I'd made over the past months was merely wishful thinking on my part. The frustrated loss and bitterness made me so angry—with you and myself.'

  'I thought you were going to murder me,' Liz said. 'I think it would have occurred to me eventually to work out why you were so angry, and even come up with the right answer in the end,' she added with endearing hopefulness.

  'Which you would then have proceeded to disbelieve,' Adam said coolly, shaking his head in mock despair.

  Liz, remembering the very far from cool endearments whispered so unbelievably to her earlier, thought she might well be excused.

  'Well, that wasn't completely my fault,' she complained. 'There we would be, getting on so well and then you'd go all cold and abrupt on me.'

  'Ah, yes, that was when my better self fought a battle and won. For most of the time my natural conceit told me that if I took things slowly I'd bring you round to loving me, and then something would happen—that ridiculously lovely hat at the christening, for instance, you looked so young, I felt my years. How could I expect someone like you to marry an old cynic like me?'

  'Rubbish!' Liz interrupted fiercely. 'There's only twelve years' difference, just right, in fact. What did you think when you knew I was to be DSM?' she added curiously.

  He raised a brow. 'That was one of the perks that went with the job. I won't tell you that I nurtured a passion for you during those two years, for you wouldn't believe me. Let's just say that I was initially seriously attracted and my self-esteem took quite a knock.' He grinned. 'I admit to going to Edinburgh in a huff. I've often wondered what would have happened had you not been put off by that gossip in London. Oh, yes, I know all about it,' he added, seeing her startled look, although not at the time. Neither did I know that you'd just been let down badly, all I knew was that there was this wall of reserve which I couldn't completely knock down. Anyway, off I went to Bonnie Scotland and life carried on in the usual way…'

  'So I was informed by Helen and the press.'

  '… but I couldn't seem to forget a serious girl with a hint of mischief in her clea
r blue eyes, and that annoyed me. When John offered the contract I accepted, of course, it was a marvellous opportunity not to be refused, but when I found out you would be working for me I thought, now is the chance of getting this girl out of my system… how ridiculous can one get!'

  'Well, you certainly tried hard enough at the beginning —you were positively hateful!'

  'Defence mechanism, Elizabeth love. But not many weeks passed before the old attraction was back and I allowed myself the arrogance of assuming that time and patience on my part would conquer all.'

  'I don't think patience is one of your strong points, then,' said Liz philosophically. 'You were always so angry with me.'

  'I should think so. I was always rescuing you from dangerous situations with you blithely ignorant of the danger.' He frowned. 'I was angry with myself too. My reputation had never bothered me before, but now it had become a stumbling block…'

  Liz said quickly: 'Not another word. I don't believe you're as bad as you like people to think, you've fostered this reputation of yours! Yes, you can smile, but I've found you out in all sorts of ways.' She frowned and said thoughtfully: 'Once or twice I thought I'd completely lost your regard.'

  'Never that, darling.' He laughed gently. 'To anyone with perception it must have been apparent how I felt about you. You're the only person I know who's made me so furious that I've almost lost control.'

  Liz gave a chuckle. 'For someone who professed ardent dislike, it was amazing what your smile and a word of praise did for me! Any feeling I had for you had to be smothered, as I couldn't believe you could be attracted to me. I tried to ignore you, but that wasn't very successful either!' And then with a casualness that fooled neither of them she said:

  'And then there was Louise.'

  'Ah, yes, Louise.' Liz waited expectantly and Adam smiled lazily and said: 'There goes the telephone, Elizabeth.'

  Wondering if she was ever to have a reply to her question, Liz warned:

  'Don't you dare move!'

  'Lizzie darling?' Judy's happy voice made Liz smile.