The Do Over

by A. L. Zaun

  "You get used to it." Madison drank a double shot and then slammed the glass on the counter. "If you start eating clean and cut out all the processed junk out of your diet, you'll see a considerable difference. After a while, you'll start craving wheatgrass juice."

  "I'm not sure about that. Wheatgrass tastes like ass. Right now, my body's craving an ice-cold diet soda." I shrugged my shoulders and laughed. "But this yoga class is perfect. I can do it before I go to work, especially since Liam's usually up and out by this time."

  Madison ordered us green smoothies. She told me to trust her, and I had no reason not to. We grabbed a small table by the window.

  As we raised our glasses, she toasted, "To good health."

  The green concoction was pretty good.

  She sipped on her smoothie. "So, who's Liam?"

  I put my drink down and broke into a wide smile. "Liam is everything." Warmth filled me, and my cheeks blushed softly. "You might think I'm a nut. It's nothing personal, but you don't strike me as the romantic type. I am though. I read romance novels, too. I love them, but it drives my friends crazy." With a giddy shimmy, I pulled out my phone to show her my Liam album. "This is the man who makes my heart skip a beat." I almost went into a more graphic expression taken from my vast literary arsenal to explain the feelings that Liam elicited from me. Somehow, I didn't think she would appreciate the burning loins and hitched breaths descriptions, so I kept it clean.

  I handed her my phone, and she flipped through the pictures. I beamed. I was in love, and part of being in love was to annoy the crap out of other people. Although her lips curved into a soft smile, her eyes were downcast. I knew that expression. I'd worn it for too long after my own heartbreak. It was difficult looking at someone else so in love. I assumed her heart was shattered.

  She handed the phone back to me. "The two of you look very happy. Good for you."

  After that day, I'd started going to yoga three times a week. After the second week, Madison and I had gotten into the routine of throwing back wheatgrass shots after yoga. We basically talked about health and nutrition. All attempts to discuss her personal life were shot down. It became my mission to help her. If nothing else, she clearly needed a friend.

  Now, I sipped on the organic chai tea that Madison had introduced me to. It hit the spot, and I barely missed my diet soda. I giggled, remembering how I had thrown Françoise a curveball when I'd declined the diet soda he had waiting for me at Van Dyke's. I'd asked him to replace it with a cup of hot water and a selection of teas.

  I opened my Kindle to read, but the lights on the Christmas tree were distracting me. While Liam was working tonight, I sat on his couch in his T-shirt under his blanket. The more I loved him, the more the risks from his job unnerved me. I stayed here to feel close to him and to somehow will him to stay safe. He loved having me in his bed, and he took great pleasure in showing me just how much. I took over half his closet, most of his bathroom, and a couple of drawers. I barely slept in my townhouse, except on Thursday nights when he played basketball. Technically, I hadn't moved in, but this felt like home to me.

  The lights caught on one of the ornaments, casting an image on the wall. It wasn't anything specific, just a play on lights and glass, but it reminded me of something Madison had said.

  We just finished an intense yoga class, so we were crossing the street to the juice bar for our traditional after-class drinks. Madison was an interesting person. She had never brought up my relationship again. I felt bad for her. She lived behind a huge wall. She was closed off and in desperate need of the sisterhood.

  I'd talked to Liam about it. He'd told me not to go near that subject with a ten-foot pole. He'd said that they had to figure things out on their own. Of course, that had been all the encouragement I'd needed.

  After throwing back our shots, we sipped on our green smoothies.

  "Please don't ask me to give you my food journal. I've been eating clean and doing my exercise and yoga." I laughed. "Geez, I sound like Rick." When that slipped out, I momentarily froze.

  Madison's eyes shot up from her drink. "Rick?" she asked. "Have you been holding out on me?"

  "Do you believe people can change?"

  I hadn't planned on it, but this gave me an opportunity to talk about something personal with her. Maybe I could find out about that tower she hid behind and learn something about the he in the "they" Liam had referred to.

  "I think people can evolve. If they mature through the process, they're open to becoming a better person, but at the end of the day, we are who we are. Why do you ask?" She started playing with her hands, looking at her nails, as she laced and unlaced her fingers.

  "Tit for tat." My eyes danced with amusement. "I told you about Liam and dropped Rick's name." I leaned forward, resting my chin on my hands. "Now, it's your turn."

  "My turn for what? I don't do the girlfriend-sharing thing, but because I like you, I'll give you this much. I don't do the boyfriend thing either, so there's nothing to tell. You can tell me about Rick if you want to or not." Her expression was blank, and her wall was sky high. "It makes no difference to me…unless there's trouble in paradise. Then, I might be willing to throw you a bone." Madison rested in her chair, seeming up for the challenge.

  I tilted my head to the side. "Tit for tat, dear. You told me nothing. It's your turn."

  Her gaze was steady, and her face was devoid of emotion. "Love is an illusion. We see what we want to see until the reflection changes." She subtly shrugged her shoulders. "At least, that's been my experience. It's fragile like a house of cards. Anything can knock it down, and then all you have is a mess. I'd rather control my environment. Human contact is essential. Sex is a wonderful thing, so I have it on my terms. No strings, no attachments, and no illusions." The corner of her mouth pulled up into a smile. "Who's Rick?" Madison asked, her tone cool and smooth.

  I sat back in my chair. I had wanted to welcome her into the sisterhood. Instead, this felt like a challenge and a battle of wills. There was something more at stake, and I was going to find out what it was. "Rick's my ex."

  We stared each other down in an almost adversarial way.

  "I loved him, but he broke my heart. I didn't let anyone in until I met Liam, and then we fell in love. Love is real. It conquers all and lasts a lifetime." I sat up. "Who is he?"

  "There is no he," she said impassively.

  I raised my eyebrow in suspicion.

  "Oh, my cockblocker?"

  "Cockblocker? This should be very interesting." I smiled, nodding.

  Now, we were getting somewhere. I was right about one thing. Madison was not a romantic. Her views on love and her reference to the man that was clearly under her skin was just hardened and bitter.

  "He's just a temporary inconvenience. He's a project that's coming to an end, which is a good thing since I haven't had sex in almost a month." She tilted her head to the side. "Are you in love with Rick?"

  I was startled by her question. "You're lying. He's not an inconvenience to you." My heart rate picked up as a flicker of anxiety coursed through me. "I told you that I'm in love with Liam. To answer your question, although I hated Rick for a long time, a part of me might always love him. When I'm with him now, he's the man I knew he could be, not the one that broke my heart. It's very innocent, like chaperoned teenagers walking along Lincoln Road." I tilted my head, matching her posture. "For someone who has sex on her terms, I find it fascinating that you'd let a man cockblock you. I know denial, and you're in it."

  She shrugged her shoulders. "Yes, you seem to be an expert at denial. Do what you have to do. Like I said, love is just an illusion. Be careful. Now, let's focus on what's important. How's your nutrition?"

  With that accusation, I stirred uneasily in my chair. What does she mean?

  Unfortunately, she changed the subject to health and fitness, effectively dismissing my attempts to revisit her comment. Madison clearly didn't understand the social graces of the sisterhood. She was like a stray cat that
needed to be domesticated and declawed, and I was up for the challenge.

  I stood up to see which ornament was guilty of the light show on the wall. I admired the beautiful tree.

  Poor Liam. I had him go to three different lots before I'd settled on the perfect tree. He always spoiled me. I was sure he had thought all the trees looked the same, but never once had he complained or made me think that I was being silly. After we had gotten home and put up the tree, I'd made sure to show him my utmost gratitude.

  A smile warmed my heart as I thought back on that day. There's the culprit. It was a silver-framed ornament with a picture of Liam and me for our first Christmas together. Liam wasn't an illusion. What we had was real.

  My phone chirped.

  Macy: What are you doing?

  Dani: Reading.

  Macy: Boring. I'm coming over.

  Dani: Reading a good book.

  Macy: Almost there.

  Dani: Ignoring you.

  Macy: Christmas gift crisis.

  Dani: Procrastinating?

  Macy: Open the door.

  I held the door open as Macy blew in like a Tasmanian devil.

  "I'm not really procrastinating. I'm just not sure if I should get Chris a gift or not. We haven't talked about exchanging gifts. We aren't official, and I just don't know what I should do. Should I just get him something and keep the receipt? If he doesn't get me anything, then I can just return it. If he does get me something, then I can avoid the awkward moment by having a gift for him. So, what do you think I should get him?" Macy tossed her purse on the counter and plopped her butt on the couch. "It's dark in here. You should turn on a light." She eyed me up and down, acknowledging me for the first time. "Awww, look at you wearing Liam's T-shirt. How cute."

  "Sure, come in, no problem. I'm just the door holder." I closed the door and flipped on the light on my way back to the couch. "The room was illuminated by the Christmas tree. It's romantic." I crossed my legs and pulled the blanket over me. "I have no idea what you should get Chris as the just-in-case gift. He needs to shit or get off the pot. And, just so you know, I told Liam," I huffed.

  Macy gave me a double take as her mouth dropped open. "That's worse than when I told Chris about your condition. I can't believe you. I'm putting you on probation." She threw her arm over her face. "So, what did Liam say?" she asked with curiosity.

  "It's not the same thing. Liam said he wasn't getting involved and that it's between the two of you, so I should mind my own business. I tried to educate him. I told him that as my BFF, he needed to understand the code of the sisterhood. Of course, I need to intervene. He and I wouldn't be together if you and Candace didn't force me to go to Breathe. He failed to see the similarity."

  Sensing Macy's need for some therapy, I got up and pulled out a bottle of wine. After filling our glasses, I returned to my comfortable spot on the couch. Macy swirled her wine, took a sip, and swirled it again. She looked like she was going to say something, but then she took another sip, swirled her glass, stood up, and then started walking around the room.

  "I know I'm on probation, but you're acting weird. I need to know what the hell is going on," she said.

  "What are you talking about? How am I acting weird?" As I started swirling my wine, I wondered why she would think that.

  My phone chirped, interrupting our conversation.

  "I gotta take this," I said as I reached for my phone.

  Liam: Thinking of you.

  Dani: I love you. Macy came over.

  Liam: Stay out of trouble.

  Dani: No fun in that.

  Liam: Being my bad girl?

  Dani: Whatcha gonna do about it?

  Liam: Plenty.

  Dani: Can't wait. XOXO.

  Liam: XOXO.

  Macy stood over me, reading my messages. I glared at her.

  "Dani, tell me what's going on. When you're with Liam, you're happy and in love. I come over here and see that you're completely at home, wearing his clothes. I've never seen you like this before. It's great. I'm happy for you, but something's off. You're drinking tea and doing yoga with that skank, Madison. Chris told me all about her." Macy pressed her lips together, raising her eyebrow.

  "Really?" I was intrigued. Liam didn't talk, but Chris was another story. "What did he say? She's not easy to get to know."

  "She's no saint, and she has a reputation for it. Apparently, she knows what she's doing in the bedroom."

  "Macy, I don't care about that. I'm interested in her cockblocker. I'm assuming it's Chris's friend, the one that gave Liam the certificate. Something's going on there."

  "He says I don't know him. Frankly, I don't give a shit about the guy as long as he keeps that skank away from my Chris."

  "Hmmm, maybe we should go watch them play basketball."

  With that thought, I got very excited. Madison was wrong about me being in denial. She, on the other hand, was another story, and I was going to get to the bottom of it.

  "Why on earth would I do that? I couldn't care less about Madison. I'm not crowding Chris, and I'm not coming off as needy by stalking for that skank," she said, scrunching her face.

  She was acting as though I'd lost my mind.

  "Because you love to stalk, and you owe me." I smiled smugly.

  Macy rolled her eyes. "That was a very clever attempt on your part to change the subject. Back to what I was saying, you're happy with Liam. I don't care that you're friends with Madison. I'm not jealous even though that's what Chris says. I promise you that I'm not. I don't care if you want to drink liquid ass."

  I laughed. Wheatgrass was disgusting. Madison had been wrong. My body didn't crave it. My body repelled it.

  "Macy, I'm not following you. Everything you've said is good. So, why are you staging a confrontation?" I sipped my drink. I was so confused. "By the way, you don't have to worry about Madison taking your coveted spot as my BFF."

  "Ever since Candace left, you've been weird on Saturdays. When I get to Van Dyke's, you're different, like you're hiding something. Let's see. You're not eating, you're having hot flashes, you're flustered, and you're distracted."

  I took a long sip of wine, burying my face in my glass, as I tried to hide my shock.

  Instantly, memories of spending time with Rick with his dimpled smile and his penetrating gaze flashed through my mind. I thought about his hand on the small of my back as we walked to the cafe to have breakfast, which was becoming a regular occurrence, and then rushing to get to Van Dyke's without being caught. I couldn't tell her. Even if she didn't say anything to Chris, she wouldn't understand that my time with him was actually helping me. She hated Rick. Regardless, Macy was totally off base. I was perfectly fine and completely in control.

  Something else was bothering her, and I was convinced it had to do with my growing friendship with Madison.

  "I don't know what you're talking about." I refilled my glass and then tipped the bottle toward Macy, offering her more. "First, you accuse me of having a hormonal imbalance, and now, you say something is going on. Macy, we're both adjusting to not having Candace around. We've all been together for so long that her not being here is unnatural and weird for us. I have to agree with Chris." I pinched my fingers together as I said, "I think you're just a wee bit jealous of my new pal, Madison."

  "I love you like a sister." Macy put down her glass. "Whatever's going on between Friday night and Saturday morning, you can tell me."

  "Nothing's going on. I promise," I confirmed.

  I was confident that Macy was exaggerating. Yes, I was a little flustered and distracted after my run-ins with Rick. That had more to do with rushing back than anything else. Everything was perfectly fine.

  While we continued drinking the bottle of wine, we watched Sweet Home Alabama for the hundredth time.

  "Melanie Carmichael or Smooter." Macy laughed into her glass. "She had it rough with those two hot guys, Jake and Andrew." She fanned herself. "She obviously wasn't over her ex as she lied and stringed along M
cDreamy."

  "Mace, you're completely simplifying the entire plot. Melanie had many layers," I snapped. "Melanie ran away because she was ashamed of her past and needed a clean start. Andrew was her present, and she didn't want him tainted by what she used to be. She wasn't pretending with him, and she wasn't really lying lying. She just didn't tell him everything because she knew he wouldn't understand the truth. Who was the real Melanie? Jake wasn't the ex. He was still her husband. Andrew was just the distraction," I reasoned. "Do you think Liam is Jake or Andrew? Who would Rick be?"

  "I'm cutting you off. You aren't making any sense. I can so totally see Liam as Jake. Liam would dig that glass out of the sand, and holy shit, he has the blue eyes to match. As for Rick, he's that dog's shit. Don't go dissing Patrick Dempsey by comparing him to Rick." She paused while her eyes narrowed in suspicion. "Wait a second. Is Rick still bothering you? If he is, I'll kick his ass."

  "Nope. He's not bothering me at all," I said, watching the credits roll on the TV. I told her the truth. He wasn't bothering me.

  "You'd tell me if he was, right?"

  I glanced over at her. She was sitting on her knees, staring at me.

  "Yes, of course. Come on, I nearly ate you alive that last time I saw him."

  I was going to burn in hell for lying to her. She would just blow everything out of proportion. Madison had even come to the wrong conclusions.

  Rick and I had a past. That was where it was. So, we had spontaneous encounters that took us back there. It was nice, innocent, and no big deal. Nothing was going on.

  Macy took my wine glass and placed it in the sink. "You've become a major lightweight since you started drinking that wheat shit."

  "Have not." I yawned, stretching my arms.

  "Whatever. Lightweight," she said sarcastically. When she returned from the kitchen, she continued her analysis of the movie. "The moral of the story is don't play with metal rods in a storm and not expect to get hit by lightning. Well, that, and there's always a happy ending." Macy shrugged her shoulders. "And, you, my dear friend, are finally getting your happily ever after."