Kestrel

by A. M. Hargrove

  “Yes, he does, only no one has the balls to do it because of his daddy.”

  “I don’t give a damn who his daddy is,” I sneer.

  Harper looks at me and emits a bitter laugh. “You should. His daddy is a dirty politician and pays everyone off. They have lots of money and get away with everything.”

  “Politician or not, I couldn’t care less. It means nothing to me.”

  “Senator Forrester’s been around forever. He owns a real estate company, too. One of the biggest in the state,” Harper informs me.

  “Then he just met his match.” I make a mental note to call our security team on Monday. I want all the information I can find on Simon and his father. Maybe it’s time for Senator Forrester and his son to take a big tumble. If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s a bully. And Simon is a huge one.

  “Well, I’d better get back. They’ll wonder what happened and I left my handbag in there.”

  “Thanks for bringing this,” Carter says, indicating her backpack.

  We both watch Harper walk away. Then Carter turns to me and says, “You didn’t have to be so hard on her.”

  “Uh, yes I did. His behavior toward you was unacceptable. If your friends can’t defend you, you don’t need them.”

  “They may be assholes, but I’ve known them since elementary school.”

  “And that makes it okay?”

  “Simon was right. I always stand them up. I put work before everything.”

  “You didn’t put work before your family. That was an important seminar. Even your mother said so. He was saying things that weren’t true. What you’re doing in the lab is stellar, angel. If they can’t wait a couple of hours, then to hell with them. Besides, they were all just hanging out and drinking anyway.”

  “It’s still being disrespectful. I should’ve called to tell them I’d be late. Time slipped by and I forgot. That was wrong of me.”

  “Okay, I’ll give you that. But he still acted like a douche. So what’s this stuff that kept you so enthralled? Wait. Why don’t you tell me over drinks and a bite to eat? Even if your friends are asses, I’d like to hear about it.”

  She breaks out into a nervous laugh. “You sure? It’ll most likely bore you.”

  “Come on. By the way, before I forget, you look fucking amazing.”

  “Yeah?”

  “Oh, yeah.”

  We shuffle down the street and step into a place that has reasonably good bar food. While we eat, she tells me what happened. I’m momentarily stunned.

  “I think you’re smarter than a rocket scientist.”

  Out of the blue she says, “Kestrel, take care around Simon. He can be dangerous.”

  “Oh, angel, you don’t know the meaning of dangerous.”

  “Why’d you stay?”

  “What?”

  “With your father? You said you worked with him. Why’d you stay?”

  My mouth feels like it’s suddenly crammed with cotton. I take a long drink of my beer. Even after almost a year, it’s still difficult to discuss.

  “He made it impossible to leave.”

  “But your brother did.”

  “You’ve been doing some internet searches, haven’t you?”

  She dips her head and mumbles something.

  “What? I didn’t get that,” I say.

  “Yeah, I’ve pulled up some stuff.”

  After another long drink, I take her hand and say, “It’s no secret. My family was plastered all over the news last year when all this shit happened. Our story made headlines on every paper. That’s why I was surprised you hadn’t read about it. Kolson left Hart Entertainment because he and my father never saw eye to eye. He was very vocal about it. I, on the other hand, was not. I stood back and was the yes man. Fear was the driving factor behind my decision.” I stop and lean back in my chair. My neck muscles scream for relief, as they always do when I talk about the Dragon. “This is impossible for me to discuss in public, so if you want to know the full story, we have to do it elsewhere. In private.”

  “You’ll tell me?” She’s genuinely surprised.

  “Yes, but not here.”

  “Okay.”

  What have I just agreed to? I never discuss this. But maybe it’s high time I did. Let my walls down and let someone in for a change. She was forced to allow me in, and she did even though she didn’t want to. I owe her this much. After paying the check, we walk to my car and drive to my place. She says she prefers that. When we arrive, I get us both a couple of beers. Then we sit. This is going to take a while and it’s not going to be easy … for either of us. I hope when she hears it, she doesn’t bolt out the door, screaming like her ass is on fire.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Kestrel

  Telling someone about a hideous part of your life is hard. Opening up old wounds to let the monster out is even harder. Sometimes it’s difficult for even my brain to wrap itself around it, and I lived through it. So I fill my lungs with air and take the leap of faith that she’ll still be sitting here when I’m done.

  “You know the part about my father and how he pretty much stole us from our biological mothers? What I didn’t tell you is how we were all abused. I won’t go into the finite details of what he did to my brothers; I’ll only tell you what he did to me. It wasn’t sexual, if that’s what you’re thinking. He wanted us to forget where we came from—to forget our mothers. He wanted to brainwash us. Kolson was the first and oldest. What he did to him didn’t work out the way Langston planned. Since I was the next, he added something extra. He was into sensory deprivation. For the first few months after he brought me to the house, I was kept in a dark room in the basement, a cage really, and wasn’t touched by anyone. I wasn’t held at all. The only touch I received was in the form of punishment. But he never hit or beat me. It was always neglectful things. He would leave me alone in complete darkness, with no stimuli. I would be cold and afraid. When he would come to see me, he wouldn’t say anything. He wouldn’t speak at all. Sometimes he’d wrap his hand around my neck and squeeze, making me think he was going to kill me. Those were the only times he touched me. Other than that, nothing. Just one huge dark empty void. That’s why I’m so fucked up. Why I crave touch, yet sometimes can’t tolerate it. My psychiatric diagnosis is attachment disorder. I vacillate between fearful-avoidant and dismissive-avoidant, but I’ve already told you that.”

  “Dear God. How old were you?”

  “I was five when he stole me.”

  “Five! Good lord. Just a little boy. And why?”

  I let out a bitter laugh. “So I would bend to his will. That’s what he wanted all of us to do.”

  I don’t notice I’m rubbing my arms until her hands take mine. She unbuttons my cuffs and rolls my sleeves up, so she can see my tattoos. Then her hands gently massage my arms and it feels like heaven. I let my head fall back and the tension melts away. Her hands move to the buttons of my shirt and when she has them all undone, she spreads it apart and touches me everywhere. Her fingers press into my skin as they tenderly work their way across my torso.

  “They all make sense. Every one of them means something. Now I understand the dragon with the trident. The trident represents the three of you. And the cage with the broken bars and the sunlight shining through. The mother separated from the child. The darkness with the stars and moon. The dozens of shattered hearts. I always thought they were broken relationships.”

  “I’ve never been in a relationship. I’ve never felt worthy. He always said it wouldn’t amount to anything. I was fed on the floor like a dog, Carter. It was pretty disgusting.”

  She puts her hand over her mouth and a sob rips through her. “How can someone do that to a child? You were just a little boy! Not much older than Ells.”

  “I know.”

  “Your mother? Your real mother? What happened to her?”

  “I don’t know. I tried to find her last year and couldn’t. Kolson’s and Kade’s died. Mine just disappeared. It wouldn�
��t surprise me if she’s in a mental institution somewhere.”

  “What about Langston’s wife? Your adopted mother?”

  “She was afraid of Langston. He would send her away every time he brought a new child home. And then she would come home and stay confined in her room. I think he must’ve drugged her. She won’t talk about it, even now. She’s a sweet woman—not a mean bone in her body. She would never have done any of that willingly.”

  Tears drip down her cheeks. “I’m so sorry.”

  “Don’t be. It’s done. And I’m happy now because he’s dead. It was the greatest day in my life when I heard that my mother shot and killed him.”

  Her hands keep touching me all over so I figure I’ll tell her the rest of the story.

  “Kolson left the company and bought a taxi. He worked his ass off and then bought another and another. Soon, he was able to expand into the transportation industry in a full-fledged fashion, mainly limos. He’s pretty phenomenal. My father was pissed. Oh, was he ever pissed. When he tossed Kolson out without a dime, he thought he’d end up in some blue collar job making nothing. But my brother goes out on a limb and ends up becoming a billionaire on his own, without a cent from my father. It was so righteous. Kolson kept after me to join him, but I couldn’t. I was afraid Langston would find a way to kill us both. At least with me by his side, I could sort of keep an eye on him. But he used me. He tried to make me spy on Kolson. Instead, I would feed him all sorts of inane information. Finally, he had me plant a bug in Kolson’s apartment. It was after Kol disappeared. He suspected Gabby knew where Kol was. There wasn’t a way for me to get out of it because he’d know if I didn’t do it. Luckily, no harm came from it. But Langston was a very dangerous man.

  “After his death, the FBI came in and removed all the files he had on the mob and that’s when the east coast crime ring came tumbling down. We found out exactly how dirty Langston was. Drugs, human trafficking, you name it. He had his hands in it all. We suspected some if it, but were shocked at the depths of his depravity. Of course, that was my out. There was no way I would have anything to do with Hart Entertainment after that. And now I’m at HTS, where I should’ve been long ago.”

  “What about your other brother? You said there were three of you.”

  “Yeah. Kade is his name. He got the worst of it all. By the time he came along, the Dragon had perfected his little games of torture. Kade turned to drugs to cope. One day I walked into his room and caught him shooting up. I was so appalled; I didn’t know what to do. I begged him to stop. Pleaded with him. I told him he could die. Told him I would do anything for him. But you know what he said?”

  “No, what?”

  “He said he preferred death to the hell he was living in. He was only a teenager at the time. It crushed me. I took him into my arms and held him, but he pumped that shit in his veins anyway. And then smiled as the drug took over. He looked so calm, happy even. For a minute I wanted some of it. I wanted to feel that bliss he was experiencing, because I knew if only for that moment, it was an escape. An escape I couldn’t get anywhere else. Throughout the years, Kolson and I tried our best to get him to stop, but he wouldn’t. He said it was either drugs or suicide. We could choose for him. So we let him keep using. And here’s the weird thing. Last year when Kolson went into hiding—did you read about how he was missing?”

  “Yes. He was missing for quite a while and turned up the night your father was killed.” She’s still touching me everywhere and I sit there, arms spread wide, giving her complete access to me.

  “That’s right. He went into hiding to protect himself and Gabby from Langston. He was afraid my father would kill him because he owed Langston a debt he never intended to pay. It’s a complicated story, but it had to do with my sister-in-law. Anyway, during that time, Kolson was riding the subway and one day he gets off the train and right there in front of him is Kade. Kol barely recognized him. I mean our family has all kinds of money and there our brother is living on the streets, rummaging through the trash for food. When Kolson told me about it, I almost screamed. It was the most helpless feeling in the world, knowing I had failed him so badly. He’d been missing for months and we’d been searching for him, but living in the subways as one of the homeless? Anyway, Kolson offers to take him to McDonald’s for a bite to eat, never thinking he’ll go, but he does! And when they finish up, Kolson hands him a card. It was from a friend of his and Gabby’s. My sister-in-law works with addicts and her closest friend runs a Narcotics Anonymous group. Kol tells Kade about it, not thinking in a million years he’d ever go. A couple of days later, he shows up at one of the meetings. We were all stunned.”

  Jesus, I’ve been rambling now forever—opening up family secrets that I never share with anyone. My hand plows through my hair as I think about this.

  “And then what?”

  “A few days later, Gabby flies him to this top of the line facility in Denver for treatment. They determine if he hadn’t come in when he did, he would’ve been dead within the month.”

  “Shit!”

  “I know. Timing is everything, they say. It was with Kade. He’s been there since last November. A year now. At first they said six months. After that, they recommended another four. He’s afraid to leave. He thinks if he assimilates back into society, it will be too much of a temptation. We’ve tried to tell him the biggest reason he started using in the first place is gone. But he doesn’t see it that way. And the reality is he knows best. I’ve never done drugs so I can’t relate.”

  “Neither can I.”

  “Carter, Kade was a musical genius. You should’ve heard him play. He’d sit in front of the piano, or pick up any stringed instrument, and make it do anything he pleased. And his voice was like nothing I’ve ever heard. Until the drugs, Kolson and I figured he’d be huge in the music world in some capacity, one day.

  “Maybe he still has a shot at that. How old is he?”

  “He’s three years younger than I.”

  She laughs a little. “That tells me nothing. I have no idea how old you are.”

  “Twenty-nine.”

  “So he’s only twenty-six. Same as me.”

  I had forgotten about that. “That’s right. But to see him, he looks ten to fifteen years older than you.”

  “A hard life of drugs will do that to you. But maybe that will change the longer he’s off them. And maybe he’ll develop an interest in music again.”

  “Maybe. But right now he says he wants to stay on in Denver as a counselor.”

  “That’s pretty awesome.”

  “I’m not so sure it’s not avoidance. Keeping his distance from us. Not that I blame him. We’re the ones who failed him.”

  “Does he know you feel this way?”

  “No, and I’d never tell him.”

  “You might want to rethink that.” She puts her palm on my cheek. “Kestrel, you didn’t fail him. Your father did.”

  “True, but I still feel some responsibility for how he ended up.”

  Her ghost gray eyes drill into mine and then she says, “I want to see you naked. I want to touch all of you, Kestrel.”

  “I didn’t tell you all of this so you would feel sorry for me.”

  “I’m not sure feeling sorry is the correct descriptor. My heart is breaking for that little boy who was deprived of the love and care he never received. And it’s coming apart for the way you love Kade, yet feel you somehow failed him. But the fact remains that I want to touch you all over. I want to feel your warm skin beneath my fingers. I want to trace your art with my hands and tongue. And I can’t do that when you’re wearing clothes.”

  “Christ, angel. Where did that come from and what happened to that little frump who once cooked dinner for me?”

  “I don’t know. I’m hoping she’s disappeared forever. Will you please take your damn clothes off?”

  “No. I want you to take them off.”

  Her fingers reach for the waist of my pants and she unhooks and unzips them.
Hands slip between my boxers and skin as she starts to tug. I lift my ass so I can accommodate her. When she’s got them to my ankles, I chuckle because she didn’t take my shoes off. I kick them off and she completes the process.

  “Get out of that shirt.”

  “Not until you strip for me. While you stand right here in front of me.”

  She grins as she moves in my line of sight and begins. She’s stiff and unyielding, but I wouldn’t want her any other way. I love how her inexperience and purity shines through. That’s what makes her so special. When she gets to her bra and panties, I never would’ve thought light blue cotton could look so perfect on a woman, but it does on her. And my dick is so stiff it’s staring right at the two of us. If the damn thing could smile and say, “Howdy, miss,” I’m sure it would.

  “Carter, what if I told you I didn’t want to do anything but touch tonight? What would you think?”

  She’s crouching between my legs, one hand on each thigh and she looks up at me. With her in this position, I’m damn near positive I’ve lost my mind.

  Sliding her hands up to my hips, she leans up close to my mouth and says in a low voice, “I’ll do anything you want.”

  “Including kill me? Because that’s what you’re doing to me now.”

  A husky laugh escapes her and I think back to the first time I laid eyes on her. What happened to that girl? She must’ve taken a hike because this sultry goddess kneeling between my legs doesn’t come even close to resembling that woman.

  “Angel, have I told you how perfectly beautiful you are?”

  She cocks her head and then giggles. A true giggle. It bubbles right out of her. “I’m a nerd, Kestrel. Nerds aren’t beautiful.”

  “Oh, yes they are. At least the one between my legs is. And I’m a great judge of beauty. So let me begin. Your eyes are the most unique color of gray. I like to think of them as ghost gray. But really they’re more like secretive gray. Like you’re hiding something and you won’t ever share. And you have such perfect skin with those adorable freckles dotting the bridge of your nose and the rims of your cheeks. Next, your lips. Not too puffy and not too thin. Just the right amount of plumpness. They were made for kissing. But only by me. And your teeth are perfect. I love the way they peek out below your upper lip. Makes me want to lick them for some odd reason and who the hell ever wants to do that? But I do. To you. And your neck … ah, your lovely neck. It draws my attention because I want to run my tongue up and down it every damn time I see you. It’s so long and graceful. Elegant. That’s what it is.” I take my finger and slide it horizontally across the base of her neck. “To think I’ve only described from here on up. But from this point on down,” I run my finger from the hollow in her throat down to her sex, “is a whole other story. This is where the goddess part begins. Statuesque. Tall and lean. Perfect lines with exactly the right amount of curves. You are a rare delicacy and I was blind the first time I saw you. I didn’t see through the veil of clothing you wore. But I know different now.”