Kestrel

by A. M. Hargrove

The closing on the house is next week and I have so much to do for the move. Kestrel has assured me that I won’t have to be out by the specified date, but I won’t do that to him. I have enlisted a moving company and they are coming on Monday. I need a few days off to pack. It will be a distressing time for me and I am dreading it more than I can say.

  As I prepare to leave work, John approaches me.

  “Carter, this is moving along so much faster than I thought it would.”

  He bounces up and down on his heels. He’s never been one to hide his excitement.

  “I know,” I sigh.

  “What’s wrong? This is the moment you’ve been dreaming of.”

  “True, but my house closing is on Wednesday and the movers are coming on Monday. Don’t forget, I’ll be off Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday.”

  “Oh, I’m sorry. I forgot all about it with everything going on here.”

  “It’s nothing. I just have a really full plate right now, trying to get it all done.”

  “I understand. Do you need my help?”

  “Oh, John, thank you, but no. I’m fine.”

  “Okay, then I guess I’ll see you next Monday with Thanksgiving being next week. Call if you need anything. Good luck with everything and have a nice Thanksgiving.”

  Fumbling with my backpack, lab coat, and handbag, I scoot out the door. My arms feel like they’re going to break by the time I get to the car. As I pull out of the parking garage, my phone rings. It’s Kestrel.

  “Hey Doc.”

  “Hey.”

  “What’s wrong?”

  “Aw, it’s nothing. Just overwhelmed with everything that’s happening.”

  “You sound exhausted.”

  “You might say that.”

  “You up for come company?”

  I hesitate. I’d love to see him, but right now, I’m not in a very emotionally stable place.

  “Since you haven’t answered, I’m pretty sure that’s a no.”

  “Maybe it would be good for me to see you. I’m in such a weird place right now.”

  “How so?”

  “The move. I have so much to do.”

  “Carter, I already told you there isn’t a set date.”

  “There is for me. I have movers coming.”

  “Shit. Why the hell did you do that? You’ve been burning the candle at both ends as it is.”

  “Kestrel, come over. I’d rather have this conversation in person than on the phone.”

  “I’m in the car now. I’m going to stop at home and change first. Is that okay?”

  “That’s fine. That’ll give me time to change too. See you in a little bit.”

  It isn’t long before he walks through the kitchen door. My head is in the refrigerator and I look up as he walks in. When I get a look at him—wearing dark jeans that ride low on his hips and a black sweater—all I want to do is have him wrap me in his arms and carry me away to a place where I don’t have to think about anything. He comes straight over to me, pulls me into his embrace, and kisses me. When his lips touch mine and I inhale his scent, all my worries evaporate, and he is the only thing on my mind. My hands find their way under his sweater and his skin is smooth and warm. The firm muscles beneath my hands contract with my touch. I follow the line of his spine until I reach the blades of his shoulders and my desire for him becomes so urgent, I pull away from his kiss and beg, “Make love to me. Now. I need you.”

  He unbuttons the first two buttons of my blouse, but then rips the blouse open, ruining it. Oddly enough, I don’t care. His hand reaches around my back and unhooks my bra in a snap. Next go my jeans. He jerks them down my legs roughly, until they hit my ankles. Then his mouth is on my aching nipple as he cups my ass with both hands, lifting me. The countertop becomes my seat and I claw at his sweater like a taloned creature, anxious for him to shed it. He releases my nipple so he can give me what I want.

  “Easy, angel. I’m not going anywhere.” The sound of his husky voice makes me shiver in anticipation.

  When he moves, I notice something glinting on his chest and I realize it’s a nipple ring. My hand reaches out for it. As soon as I touch it, he lets out a gravelly groan. The sound makes me want to put my mouth on it. When I lift my eyes, I see him watching me.

  “Can I take it in my mouth?”

  “Yeah,” he rasps. His hands fist at his sides.

  “Undo your pants, Kestrel.”

  He does as I say. He is erect. Fully. My hand wraps around him as my mouth closes over his ringed nipple. The growl he releases is low and long. And it nearly makes me come. I spread my legs, take the crown of him, and rub it around my clit. It’s then I have to release his nipple because I am so aroused, I’m afraid I’ll bite him. Our eyes meet; I take his cock and place it at my opening. With a tip of his hips, he pushes forward and grabs my calves, wrapping them around his waist. He’s in deep now and I lean back on my elbows, watching as he thrusts. In and out, in and out, until I feel I’m going to explode, he continues, but then he massages my clit with the end of his thumb and I feel the spasms rack my body, inside and out. He’s right there, climaxing with me. And when his cock stops throbbing inside of me, he lays his head on my chest and holds both of my hands, because I’ve collapsed and am now flat on my back.

  “That was really something, angel.” His breath blows softly against the skin of my abdomen.

  “It was. Thank you.”

  “Why are you thanking me?”

  “Because I needed to destress and that worked.”

  He moves and I realize I’m very wet between my legs, much more so than usual. He must realize it at the same time because he says, “Oh, fuck. Condom. I forgot the condom!”

  “Shit! Shit! Shit!”

  We both pop up at the same time. I hop off the counter and jump up and down.

  “What are you doing?”

  “Maybe if I get it out, there will be less chance of me getting pregnant.”

  His arms move to my shoulders to get me to stop. “You’re a hell of a lot smarter than that. You know that doesn’t work.”

  “Oh, God, what am I gonna do?”

  “You’re going to do nothing. Chances are you’re fine. When was your last period?”

  I have to think about it because I never keep track. Up until I started sleeping with Kestrel, I never paid attention to it. There was no reason to. “Oh, shit. A little over two weeks ago. I’m smack dab in the middle of my cycle.”

  “That still means nothing.”

  “Oh, yeah?” I point both thumbs at myself. “This is the girl who got pregnant the first time she ever had sex.”

  “Angel, it’s water under the bridge now.”

  Leaning on the counter we just had sex on, I rest my head on my hands. What in the world will I do if I’m pregnant? I don’t have a family this time. I’m alone with no one to help me. Suddenly, I burst into tears.

  “Don’t cry. It’s okay.”

  “No, it’s not. What will I do? If I have a baby now, I’m all alone. I had my parents the last time. Now it’s just me. It was so hard before. I just can’t do this.”

  “Stop. You don’t even know if you’re pregnant. Besides, do you think I’d let you do this alone? I’m half of this equation, you know.”

  “You’re right. I’m jumping to conclusions. I guess I’m stressing,” I say, scrubbing my face.

  “Yeah. To the extreme. What about the morning after pill? Can you call your doctor?”

  “I don’t really have one. I left my last one a few years ago and haven’t established myself with a new one.”

  “Okay, angel, that’s something you need to take care of. Your health is important.”

  “I know. It’s just that the last few years haven’t exactly been the best, you know.”

  “I do know. But on Monday, I want you to call somewhere and make an appointment. Just for a check up. Now, let’s sit and have a drink. We can talk about what you need to focus on in the next few days.”

  He mix
es us a couple of vodka drinks and we talk about everything that needs to be done. I show him the big stuff, as in closets and such. My father’s closet is empty, but not my mother’s. I could never make myself go through her things. I need to do that, along with my things. Mine won’t take long because I’ve whittled it down over the years, since I haven’t shopped much. The kitchen is another thing. And the linens. So many to go through.

  Kestrel looks around for a minute then says, “What do you need to function comfortably in the guest house?”

  “Nothing really. It’s fully furnished. Linens, kitchen things, and all. But when I move out of there, I’ll want to have things to take with me.”

  “Here’s what I suggest. Take everything you want from the kitchen, linens, and so on, pack them up and put them in storage. I’m going to redecorate. Paint, change the look in the bedrooms, that sort of thing. So if you want the bed linens from the bedrooms, towels and so on, feel free. That way, when you want to move out of the carriage house, you’ll be set. Whatever you don’t want, call one of the local charities and have them pick everything up. Use it as a tax write-off.”

  “Okay, one, you’ll need the linens until you redecorate. What will you use in the mean time? Two, you take the write-off. It’s yours.”

  “Good point on the linens. Pack up the extras that you may want. Leave enough for me to get by on for all the rooms and baths. After the place is redone, we can figure out what to do with them then. And no. Technically the write-off is yours. Take it.”

  “Agreed on the linens and we’ll do a two-way split on the write-off.” I’m firm on this because he’s being way more than generous.

  “I’m going to ask you something and you have to give me an honest answer.”

  Where’s he going with this? “Okay.”

  “Do you need help with this? You’re facing a big task here.”

  “Well, yeah, I could use help. Moving sucks.”

  “All I needed to know. I’ll send some people over.”

  “Wait. Who?”

  “You don’t need to worry about that.”

  “I’m not taking your charity.”

  “Don’t insult me, angel. I’d like to think I’m more than just a friend and I want to help you. I can afford it, so please let me.”

  As I begin to protest, he says, “Listen. I’m divided here. Half of me knows I’m doing the right thing by buying this house. But the other half hates what it’s doing to you. The least you can do is let me help you.”

  “Yeah. Okay.”

  He flashes a smile. It lights up his face. He’s so damn sexy. My hand goes to my throat because a lump forms. I’m not sure if it’s because of the kindness he’s shown or the desire I feel again.

  “You’re a very good man, Kestrel.”

  My comment surprises him. “You bring it out in me, angel. You really must have a halo somewhere over you.”

  “I’m thinking it’s you that must be the angel after all. Will you come up to Ells’ room with me?”

  “Yeah. Come on.” He reaches his hand out and I take it. We walk up the steps and into her room. It’s not nearly as difficult as it used to be.

  There are three pictures in here I want to take with me. I’ll get the rest when I close up this room forever at some later date in time. There are also three pictures of her hanging in the hallway outside the room that I will pack up later.

  “You okay?” he asks as he stands by my side.

  “Hmm. Yeah. I am, actually. Just thinking about how it’s not as hard as it used to be.” I turn to him and say, “It’s you.”

  “Me?”

  “You. You’ve made me face some things and rethink things.”

  “I hope that’s a good thing.”

  Nodding, I answer, “It is. Nothing will bring her back, including this room. It won’t be easy, but I know it’s best to let it go.” The desire to feel her tiny arms and hands fills me and I go sit on her bed. Her favorite stuffed animal, a fluffy pink poodle, still sits on her pillow, so I grab and squeeze it as hard as I can, wishing for just one minute I could touch her soft skin again.

  “I wish I could’ve met her.”

  “Me too.” Then I laugh. “She would’ve have told you were too ‘sewious’. She would come up with the damnedest things. What three year old says serious?”

  “Carter, look at your mind. She inherited it from you.”

  “Huh. I didn’t say things like that when I was three. Even my parents were amazed. She never called me Mommy. It was Mawmy. She would drag it out. Long and slow. I’ll have to pull up her videos so you can see sometime.”

  “I would love that.”

  “You would? I mean, you don’t have to say that to make me feel good.”

  “No. I’d love to see and hear her.”

  “She was quite the ham.”

  “Where are they? The videos?”

  “Downstairs. You want to see them now?” I’m astonished.

  “Yeah. If it’s not too much of an inconvenience.”

  We get to the cabinet by the computer in the den and I hunt through the stacks of them and pull out the latest ones. Her last Christmas, Easter, and birthday. We pull another chair up in front of the computer and I put the disk into the computer. Up pops her face and my flesh instantly breaks out in goosebumps. Chills run up and down my spine and I want to reach inside the screen and pull her out just to kiss her sweet face. She wobbles through the house like a boat without a rudder, the way toddlers so often do. I’m holding the camera and I can hear myself giggling. Then I say, “Ells, what’s that behind you?” She says, “It’s the Chwismas twee, Mawmy.” And she lets out a long, tinkling laugh.

  I pull in air through a compressed trachea as I cover my mouth.

  She has on a green velvet dress with a Santa Claus face and black patent leather shoes; I could eat her up she’s that cute. And she was mine. For that brief period in time, that precious little human being was all mine.

  Strong bands of steel wrap around me and pull me into the nest of his embrace. “She was a beautiful angel. Just like her mother.” The words feel like music as he says them close to my ear. “No wonder God needed her back in heaven.”

  “But why so soon? I didn’t have her long enough. It’s just not fair.”

  “I know, sweetheart. I know. I wish I could give her back to you.”

  I run my hand over my face to dry the tears, and I look up at him. He gives me a crooked smile and says, “Let’s get out of here for a while.”

  “Where do you wanna go?”

  “I don’t care. For a drive. Anything.”

  “Okay.” We put our jackets and shoes on and leave. Without a destination in mind, we drive aimlessly through town. He engages me in conversation, but my mind is still on Ells, and he knows it.

  “My family is coming for Christmas. The whole family.”

  “What, all three of them?” I laugh.

  “Well I invited Kade, but he’s not ready to leave his treatment center yet. And you may think it’s funny. But wait.”

  “Why are you saying that?”

  “Because you’ll be there too.”

  “Oh, no. Not me. Count me out.”

  “Why? Don’t you want to meet them?”

  “Yeah, right. First off, I’ll be psychoanalyzed by your sister-in-law. Then, I’ll be overly inspected by your mother. Your brother was bad enough. And you think I want to spend Christmas like that?”

  “My family wouldn’t do that to you.”

  “Like hell they wouldn’t. Tell me something. What did Kolson think of Ells’ room when he saw it?”

  Silence greets me.

  “Uh huh. Just as I suspected.”

  “It wasn’t like that. He was surprised you had a child.”

  “Kestrel, you don’t have to cover up for me.”

  “I’m not covering up for you.”

  “What’s going to happen to us when I move from the carriage house?”

  “What do you mean?”<
br />
  “Exactly what you think I mean. This is a relationship that began with a deal of a sort and it’s turned into one of convenience. I’m much stronger than I was when you initially met me.”

  “Not according to what I just witnessed a few minutes ago.”

  “That’s not fair. I was referring to Ells’ room. Videos are a different matter altogether.”

  “Okay. Point taken. You are stronger when it comes to her room. But as far as this being a relationship of convenience, then you and I are on completely different wavelengths. The women I told you about—the ones I used to be with—those were relationships of convenience. You are different. I thought I made myself clear on that. And the way you talked about not ever being involved with men, I took that to mean you weren’t the type to even consider relationships of convenience.”

  He certainly has me there.

  “You’re absolutely right. I apologize. I don’t do relationships. Of any kind, so I guess I misled you.”

  “What the hell does that mean?” he yells. Then he pulls the car off the road.

  “Oh, shit. Not that. I meant before you. I’m terrible at this.” My head hangs down.

  “Please look at me when you talk. It’s difficult talking to the side of your face, and arguing while driving isn’t safe, which is why we’re on the side of the road.”

  “Yeah, like this is safe. Pull into that parking lot up ahead. It wouldn’t be great to get hit out here in the dark.”

  He sees the logic in my suggestion and soon we’re parked in the lot.

  “So. What are we doing, Carter? I thought we were dating, as in seeing each other.”

  “You never made that clear.”

  “Jesus. So you think I rip my life open to you—which by the way I’ve never told anyone about—and we’re what? Fuck buddies?” Both of his hands rip through his hair and I briefly wonder if he’s going to yank every strand out by the roots. “I almost beat the shit out of that rat bastard who insults you and you think it’s because I hit this every now and again. Well, I’m glad I made such a gleaming impression on you. I thought the things you said about me that night at my place were the real deal. But I guess you were just blowing a shit ton of smoke up my ass, huh?”

  “Stop! That’s not true. Those things I said were real.”