Kestrel

by A. M. Hargrove

  “Don’t hurt him.”

  That’s it. Nothing else.

  “What?”

  “Kestrel. Whatever you do, don’t hurt him. Because if you do, I’ll do everything in my power to destroy you.”

  Good thing there’s a chair right behind me. My legs go numb as my ass hits it with a poof. Wow! She didn’t hold back one iota. It takes me a while to formulate a response, but I do.

  “I get it. I do. You love him. He’s a brother to you.”

  “No. You don’t get it. He’s been to hell and back.”

  I stop her and hold up my hand. “Before you say another word, you at least owe me a chance to explain myself. As a practicing psychiatrist, I would think you could see the merit in that.”

  She nods, once.

  “Kestrel has told me everything. About his father. His horrid life as a young boy. I know what he’s been through. We’ve discussed all of this. My goal is not to hurt him. It was never my intention to get involved with him.”

  “Then why did you?”

  “Why did you get involved with your husband?”

  “That’s none of your business.”

  “Neither is it your business why Kestrel and I got involved. But I’ll tell you this much. I have great respect for him and I will not, under any circumstance, allow anyone to hurt him, including you.”

  “Me? Why would I hurt him?”

  “By overprotecting him and not allowing him to live on his own and discover things for himself. He’s a grown man and a highly intelligent one. He can choose to have a relationship with whomever he wants.”

  “Kestrel doesn’t have relationships.”

  “Maybe you don’t know him as well as you think, because he’s in one now.”

  Then a smile spreads across her face. “That’s all I needed to hear.”

  “What?” I’m incredulous.

  “That you consider what’s going on between the two of you a relationship. That it isn’t one sided.”

  “Seriously?”

  “Yes. Like I said, I don’t ever want him hurt. And if this were just a one-sided thing, then you and I would have a big problem. But it obviously isn’t. You bared your claws and I like that.”

  “You’re a strange woman, Gabby.”

  “Nah, I only care about those two guys out there. More than I can tell you. So, tell me about you.”

  I rub the back of my neck. “We don’t have enough time. I need days to tell you about my shit.”

  She shakes her head. “We all have emotional baggage. Our group—Kolson, Kestrel, you and I—seem to have been given an extra heaping dose. Ever think that’s how we all ended up together?”

  “What do you mean?” Her thought process intrigues me.

  “Well, any normal person that hasn’t experienced major life trauma would run from what we’ve gone through. But you and I know what it is to deal with heavy duty shit, so we look at men like Kolson and Kestrel and think that they are extra special because they’ve risen above it all and become even stronger for it.”

  “Yeah, I think you’re right. But I wasn’t aware that you have shit, too.”

  “Do I ever. I was raped and abused by my cousin. It started when I was a teenager and my parents knew about it but buried it under the carpet. Then the motherfucker stalked me. Kolson was the one who finally stepped in and saved me.”

  My hand grabs her arm as she talks. Then I hug her and say, “Oh my God. I am so sorry. I didn’t know. Kestrel didn’t say anything, and of course he wouldn’t. How traumatizing that must have been.”

  “Yeah, but like we talked about, here we are, stronger than ever. We take those pieces of ourselves and create something better, a bigger force to be reckoned with, if you will. Take your situation. You’ll always have those memories of your daughter. You build upon them and use them to anchor you in times when you feel adrift. It may seem like it doesn’t work, but if you look back and reflect, you know it does.”

  I sift through my memories, of how low I was and how miserable and sad I felt after I lost my parents and Ells. And then how each year it never seemed to become easier until I met Kestrel.

  “I don’t know. It wasn’t until I met Kestrel that the sun brightened my life again.”

  “But don’t you see? He says the same about you?” Gabby says. “He insists that you’ve helped pull him out of his darkness. He calls you an angel.”

  “I know. But I’m not. I’m just me.”

  Gabby pats my arm and says, “And I hope to hell you stay this way. Come on, we’d better get back or they’ll be sending out a posse to find us.”

  I stop her and say, “Thanks. For a minute there I thought you were going to hate me.”

  “No. I was just testing you. You passed.”

  “Jeez. Isn’t that a little harsh?”

  Gabby flashes me a smile. “Not in my book. I have a brother-in-law to look out for. When I came into this family, they took me in and now I owe them to do the same.”

  “But, wait. I thought Langston tried to kill you.”

  “Oh, that rat bastard did. But the rest of them are awesome.”

  It’s an awkward moment for me. “I never had any brothers or sisters so this is kind of weird.”

  “Just go with it. It’ll work out.”

  We hear laughter when we get back to the main house. Gabby says to me, “Sylvia never laughed like this when Langston was alive. She’s a totally different person now.”

  “God, that man must’ve been awful.”

  “You have no idea. Thank the heavens you never had to contend with him. He was one scary creep. None of us mourned his death. Instead, we celebrated it.”

  All heads turn our way when we enter the room.

  “Well, hello there.” Kestrel stands to meet us. Then he leans into me and asks, “Everything okay?”

  “Sure is.”

  His fingers gently close around my wrist and his thumb rubs a circle on the inside of it. I feel like humming when he does that. We stand there, like two dolts, staring at each other when we hear Kolson clear his throat. “Um, are you two going to join us?”

  “Yeah,” Kestrel says as he winks at me.

  We move toward the others and conversation resumes. Some time later I rise to start dinner. Kestrel moves to come with me, but Gabby stops him.

  “I’ll help her. Kolson’s bragged about her talent in the kitchen and I want to see what she’s cooking. Besides, I know you have no interest in it.”

  Everyone laughs, because it’s true.

  After dinner is over, we all decide to retire for the night. Kolson, Gabby and Sylvia are still complimenting me on the excellent meal as they climb the stairs.

  Kestrel walks me out to the carriage house.

  “Are you staying with me out here?” I ask.

  “Yes, but I need to lock everything up. I’ll be back.”

  His absence gives me time to brush my teeth and by the time I’m ready to undress, he’s back.

  “I’ll do that,” he says, pulling my sweater off. “My family is smitten with you. Just like I am.”

  “They are not. They like me okay. Gabby put me through a test.”

  “I imagine she did. Care to tell me about it?”

  “Yeah. Later. Right now, I only want you.”

  “That can be arranged.”

  “Kestrel, your mom.”

  “What about her?”

  “Gabby says she’s so much brighter now. Happier.”

  He nuzzles my neck and his tongue has my belly contracting.

  His voice is raspy when he answers, “Yes. Do you want to talk about my mother now? Right before I’m getting ready to fuck you?”

  I dissolve in a heap of giggles. And he stands up to his fullest height, trying to intimidate me. Of course, it’s an epic fail.

  “Um, yeah. That’s always great bedroom talk, isn’t it?”

  A bark of laughter follows my question and he then he says, “Oh, God, the old Sylvia would’ve had a fit of vapor
s. She used to take to her bed all the time. Not the new. I’m sure she did it as escapism.”

  “Well, I’d like for a large part of your anatomy to escape somewhere.”

  “I hope you mean it would still be attached to me?”

  Now it’s my turn to bust out laughing. “Well, hell yeah. I could just use my old vibrator if I wanted that!”

  “Your old vibrator? You have one of those?”

  “Of course I do. What woman doesn’t?”

  “I don’t know. Let me see it.”

  “I will not. It’s personal.”

  “I’m personal. Has it been where I’ve been?”

  I sputter out my reply, “Well … yeah.”

  “Can it do what I can?”

  Actually, it can do more because my vibrator has that little doohickey that hits all the right places and vibrates exactly right. But how do I tell him that? My silence alarms him.

  “What the hell kind of vibrator do you have?”

  I flash him a saucy grin and say, “One with all kinds of bells and whistles.” Then I turn toward the bedroom and throw him my sexiest look over my shoulder.

  “Oh, angel, don’t you know you’re playing with the devil here?”

  “Maybe this angel wants to be a naughty angel for a change.”

  “Oh, fuck. You do, do you?”

  I only smile back with my eyes half-closed. Then I run my tongue across my lower lip, slowly.

  He saunters toward me, undressing as he does. Dark, dangerous, and desirable is what he is. And I want to lick every square inch of him.

  When he’s face to face with me, he says, “Get that damn vibrator. I want to see what I’m up against.”

  “Okay. But don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

  I pull it out of my drawer and hand it to him. He turns it on and checks the thing out, forward and backward, upside down and right side up. Then he turns it on the highest speed and says, “I see what you mean. But I’m a willing competitor. Open that innocent mouth of yours.”

  “What?” He wants me to put this in my mouth?

  “You heard me.”

  I open up and he sticks the thing in my mouth.

  “Now suck it. Suck like you would my dick.”

  I don’t know if I should spit it out or do what he says.

  “You said you wanted naughty, didn’t you?”

  I nod and begin sucking. He moves it around, in and out, and then he plucks it out of my mouth. This whole thing has me quite puzzled.

  It’s about to get even more confusing, or so I think. He takes the palm of his hand and puts it on my chest, forcing me to walk backward. When the backs of my knees hit the bed, he spins me around and says, “Bend over, angel, and rest your arms on the bed.”

  I do as he asks, and I feel his lips brush up and down my spine. They tease and taste until I want to writhe. He wedges a leg between my thighs and spread my legs as far as they will go. Then his hand finds my sex and he says, “Already so wet. When I’m done with you, you’ll be dripping.” Two long fingers enter me, and one presses down on my g-spot. I arch my back in response.

  I hear the vibrator; he’s turned it on. His fingers come out and are replaced by the pulsating object. He slides it in and out, and then seats it fully inside of me. I moan and want to lie down, but he holds my hips still.

  “Don’t move. Stay still.”

  It’s not easy. All I want to do is rock into him. But it’s not him; it’s the damn vibrator. I feel his lips feathering across my buttocks and up my back, and one of his hands reaches around and he tugs on one of my nipples. The vibrator is still inside me, held in place by his knee, but I want him to take it out and replace it with himself.

  “I want you, Kestrel.”

  He chuckles. “Not yet.”

  What’s his game here?

  Then I feel his mouth on my hips, teeth pressing into my flesh, scoring me. I cry out his name. “More.”

  He grabs my flesh between his teeth, tugs, and sucks simultaneously, and I moan. Between that and the vibrator, I want to wriggle around, but he still has me in a firm grip.

  “I need to come.”

  “You will. Patience. Legs together.” He scoots my legs together, putting more pressure on my clit. But then he flips me over and puts me on my back.

  “Ah!” I want him to keep doing it the other way, but he pays me no mind. His hand reaches for the vibrator switch and he turns it off. “No!”

  “You want to come?”

  “Yes!”

  “How bad?”

  “Really bad.”

  His fingers tease and tug on my nipples as I squeeze my thighs together.

  “Have you ever come from this?” he asks as he plays with my nipples.

  “No,” I groan. “Please let me come.” My hand moves between my legs.

  “Don’t you dare touch yourself. Spread your legs.”

  I do as he commands and he takes the vibrator out. And replaces it with his condom-wrapped cock. Then he lifts my legs to his shoulders and thrusts in and out until I almost come. Then he stops and I cry out.

  “No, don’t stop.”

  “You want to come?”

  “Yesss. Please.”

  “You want to come hard?”

  “Yes, dammit.”

  “Get on your hands and knees.”

  I do as he asks. And he very, very, slowly inches into me.

  “Don’t move, angel. Not one bit.”

  I whine. “Please.”

  “Don’t move, or I’ll stop.”

  “Okay.” My body trembles with the need to come. I’m sweating profusely; every nerve ending is tingling.

  He moves so slowly that I think I’ll go insane with desire.

  Then he pushes me forward and pulls completely out. I cry out.

  He gets on the edge of the bed and pulls me on his lap. Guiding his cock into me, he impales me to the hilt.

  “Wrap those legs around me and hang on.”

  I don’t even think twice about what he says. He starts a punishing thrust and it’s such a relief but his finger touches my clit and the orgasm that sets me off has me screaming his name. “Kestrel.” My fingers claw at his hips and I can only hope I didn’t do much damage to his skin. My climax so violent I buck in his lap, with my muscles clenching and contracting, inside and out. When it’s done, I’m fighting for air and completely drained.

  I’m not sure he even hears me because he is still burying himself in me. I look at his face and his eyes are closed, his head is thrown back and all of his muscles stand out, crisply defined, as a look of ecstasy steals over him. Even though I just climaxed, seeing him like this arouses me anew.

  In a smartass tone, he finally asks, “Can your fancy vibrator do that?”

  “You are far better than any device I’ve ever used. Now please kiss me.”

  His mouth skims over my ear, tickling my lobe. Next, he nibbles my neck, stroking it with his heated tongue. When he touches my lips, I grasp his shoulders and pull him as close as I can. He tastes of scotch and mint, and it’s heady. It’s a kiss I never want to end. Don’t ask me why, but for some unknown reason, I feel unaccountably close to him right now. His heart clangs against mine, and it’s as though it should. Two halves meeting as one.

  “Where is your mind, angel?”

  Should I tell him? I’m not sure how he’ll feel about these thoughts.

  “Just feeling nice.”

  “That’s not it. I know you better than that.” He tilts my chin, forcing me to look at him. “Tell me.”

  His eyes search mine, digging deep into my soul. He knows. He always knows.

  “We are two halves, you and I.”

  “As in the angel and the devil?”

  “No. As in two halves that were defective, unfinished, without each other. You and I are not polar opposites, as you tend to believe. You are not the devil. We just needed polishing up and we needed to be placed next to each other so we could be whole again. You know, like a pot withou
t a lid.”

  “Hmm. Maybe so. Am I the pot or the lid?”

  I rub my cheek against his. “Which do you prefer?”

  “I want to be the lid so I can keep you covered from all things bad.”

  “See! How can you possibly be the devil if all you want to do is protect me? And you want to fill my pot with all kinds of good things.”

  “Uh huh, namely my dick.”

  I smack him with my palm on his hip. He falls back on the bed, grabs my hand, and pulls me on top of him. “Oh, so now, along with scratching the hell out of me, you want to play rough?”

  “Did I scratch you that bad?”

  “It’ll be better if you kiss it.”

  He’s teasing me now, but I want to see his hips. I shimmy down to look and in the dim light I can see a few red scrapes in his skin.

  “Jeez. I did a number on you, didn’t I?”

  His deep voice vibrates in my ear, because my head rests on his stomach. “I didn’t mind a bit, angel. In fact, I think it’s sexy as hell.” He tangles his hand in my hair.

  “Kestrel, you really think I’m sexy?” I ask as I sit up.

  “Carter, do you honestly have to ask me that?”

  “I guess not.”

  “What do you mean, you guess not?”

  “Well, it’s just that Gabby is so …”

  “So what?”

  “Perfect.”

  “For Kolson, she is. But to me, you are the most perfect thing in the world. Look at you. I can’t imagine anyone being more beautiful than you. Inside and out.” He suddenly gets out of bed. “Come with me,” he says as he extends his hand to me. Then he walks me to a mirror. “Need I say more?”

  “I don’t want to look at myself naked.”

  “Maybe you should. You might see what I do. But even beyond that is the woman I adore. So, I was going to wait and tell you on Christmas Day, because I know this is not an easy time for you, but Carter Drayton, I love you. I fell in love you with when you looked like that frumpy nun. That day I met you in your lab, you had your glasses and your old-fashioned out-of-style clothes on, your hair was a mess stuck up in one of your crazy-assed buns, and it took everything I had not to tear off your clothes and kiss the hell out of you. I think I fell in love with you that day and it’s only grown deeper ever since. I didn’t recognize exactly how utterly gorgeous you were, but I didn’t give a shit then. I only knew there was something magical about you. Something so special that it ran deep in your veins and I wanted it. I wanted to be like you. I didn’t want bad anymore; I wanted good. I wanted Carter, the angel, in my life. So you can choose to believe me or not, but you don’t have a choice on whether or not to believe that I love you because that is irrefutable.”