Torn Hearts

by M. E. Gordon

  “You want me to call you a slut?”

  Yes. I closed my eyes waiting to hear the rest.

  “Well, you’re not.”

  Huh? What the hell?

  “You want me to hate you? I can’t.”

  I stood there, dumfounded.

  “Am I hurt? Of course, I am. I’m fucking human, Elizabeth, but how can I blame this solely on you? I was the one who left. I left you with him. God help me, I just left. I saw it all happening, even before you did. I tried to ignore it, because you were telling me you cared for me. I--I was naive in thinking that the media was blowing things out of proportion.”

  My jumbled mind tried to process all he’d said, but the one thing that stuck out was that he saw everything, or better yet that he saw everything happening.

  “You saw everything happening?” I thought back to all the photos that were taken, the ones on my father’s desk sticking out over the rest.

  “Yes, I saw everything,” he said, exaggerating the word everything.

  God, I feel dirty. How did I get myself into this mess? Blue eyes and a chance at a fairy-tale ending, that’s how.

  “Why aren’t you with him now?” Simon asked, standing from his chair.

  “He made me choose, stay with him or leave.”

  Something I’d said made Simon hesitate. “So he’s known about me the whole time. He knows who I am? You told him about me.” He sounded crazy as he asked me questions, like he was a secret agent who might be about to have his cover blown. “He knew and still pursued you?” he asked.

  “Simon, he didn’t pursue me. He--we just kept running into each other. It was innocent, until it wasn’t.” Rubbing my face, I took a moment to rein in my thoughts.

  “So let me get this straight. He made you choose him or leave?”

  “Yes,” I replied.

  “You left him? So you chose to be with me?” he asked hopefully.

  Shit, how do I say this? “I did leave, but I left because I needed to tell you everything before I made a decision. Spencer wasn’t willing to give me time to tell you and figure out where my heart belonged.” I lowered my head and ran my hands through my hair, trying to relieve whatever stress I could.

  “So you left him, to come tell me with the chance that I might leave you, too.”

  Nodding in agreement

  I glanced back up at him.

  “Well, that was his loss. I’m not leaving and I want you to take as much time as you need to figure it out,” he said.

  I stood there mesmerized by his maturity--the fact that he could put his ego aside and give me a chance to figure out how I felt. Why was he doing this? I don’t deserve this. Him. He was so caring and compassionate and the complete opposite of Spencer Salvatore.

  I walked over to him, finally crossing the threshold of the room. The door closed behind me as I made my way to stand before him.

  “I’m so sorry, Simon.”

  Reaching his hand up, he brushed a tear off my cheek, which I hadn’t even realized was there. I couldn’t help leaning into his warm hand.

  “You’re beautiful and a major pain in the ass, you know that?”

  I laughed against his hand and nodded in agreement.

  “Elizabeth, please just let us start over,” he begged, leaning over and leaving a soft kiss on my lips.

  He pulled me into him. Holding on tightly around my waist, he rested his head on my shoulder.

  I had to fight to gain control over my body and eventually I did. Pulling back, I held my hands up to his chest. “I think I should go,” I said against him.

  “Yeah. Okay,” he said reluctantly.

  Taking a step back I turned toward the door.

  “Belle” he called, making me smile and turn back to him. “I want this, I want you. Call me when you make your choice.”

  I smiled back at him before opening the door and leaving. Standing on the other side of the door, I sighed in relief. That wasn’t what I expected but at least everyone knew. There was no more secrets, no more burdens on my shoulders, except for the fact I had to decide what I was going to do. Wait around to see if Spencer...well, I guess see if Spencer even cares that I’m alive, or start over with Simon. I had a huge choice to make and, either way, someone was getting hurt.

  If I choose Spencer, I would crush Simon. If I started over with Simon, then I finally had to put Spencer to rest for good, forever.

  ***

  I woke up praying that the past four months had been a dream, but they weren’t. I thought that once I told Simon everything, he would leave. Deep down, I kind of hoped he would, just so I wouldn’t have to go through this anymore.

  I was ready to go back to normal. The media was being so harsh. I wanted to stay barricaded in my room, for eternity. How could people be so cruel to another human being?

  Against my better judgment, I’d sat up all night reading any and everything that had my name attached to it. Like I said, bad idea. Just because I wasn’t a size two, people hated me. They hated the fact that an attractive man like Spencer would even give me the time of day. It was bad enough that they were attacking me, but they were also attacking him. With every good compliment, there were at least five to go against it. Spencer and I had taken over social media, and I hated it. I hated all of it.

  It wasn’t even worth it, anymore. All the baggage that came along with Spencer was just too much. The way he acted wasn’t worth me throwing my whole life’s work away. Was it? I’m not made for the media. I’ve always left that to my brothers.

  I needed to do something. Slamming shut the computer, that still showed all the mean comments, I walked in my closet to grab my suitcase. Throwing it on the bed, I unzipped it and begin unpacking. Back to normal. I needed to keep my mind occupied and unpacking was going to be my distraction.

  Throwing the dirty clothes on the floor and laying the clean ones on the bed to re hang, I quickly realized that it wasn’t the best idea. Staring at me from the bottom of my suite case was Spencer’s white shirt.

  That shirt represented the best and worst night I had ever had with him, and just in general. Some of the strings from the buttons I had ripped off lay flat against the white fabric. Closing my eyes, I had a flash of the memory of how strong his chest felt under my hands. It took me right back and that’s when I smelled it. Spencer’s scent drifted under my nose, making the memory even sweeter.

  This is insane. A shirt shouldn’t have this much of an effect on me. It’s a fucking shirt! A really good smelling shirt, but a shirt nonetheless. Grabbing the shirt and sweatpants that lay underneath, I walked them over and into my closet. I granted myself one more sniff before tossing them into the black abyss that was the back of my closet, never to be seen again, or at least not until spring when I cleaned it out.

  There, that wasn’t so hard. Pulling my hair back off my face, I cringed when I smelled it on my hands. Running into the bathroom, I quickly got a glob of soap and washed them. Content that they didn’t smell anymore, I smiled up at myself in the mirror. “Beth, you are a strong independent woman. You don’t need someone like Spencer Salvatore telling you what to do and who to be with.”

  I nodded back at my reflection and really took a moment to look at myself. Maybe I was beautiful. I might have flaws, but everyone did. I wasn’t going to let Spencer or the media ruin me, anymore. He hadn’t thought of anyone but himself when he’d made me choose and I wasn’t going to let the paparazzi or people’s nasty comments affect me, or get me down. It took all this bullshit, but I knew then that I was perfect for me, and that was all that I should be worried about. I was going to concentrate on me, like I should have been doing all along.

  I missed my easy-going life. I missed hanging out with Gia. I missed sitting at home watching TV, and I couldn’t do all that if I was with Spencer. If I would have stayed with him, my life would have changed. I’d have to be that girl I used to hate. I’d be followed by paparazzi. I’d have to go with Spencer to fancy clubs and red carpets. That was not
what I wanted out of life. I wanted a family. I wanted to stay in one place and, most importantly, I wanted to stay out of the spot light.

  I could have that life with Simon. I could be happy with him. But the doubt that Spencer had planted in my mind was slowly taking over. Like a disease, it kept coming back to the forefront of my mind. “You’ll never feel for him the way you feel for me.”

  He was right. I might not, but it was better than having nothing at all. And let’s face it, I’m terrified that I’ll never find someone as good hearted and kind as Simon.

  Chapter 25

  The week went by, and my life had slowly gotten back to normal. It was a Friday night and I was doing something normal--sitting around the house watching a movie. There was one thing that was different. Gia and Teddy lay cozily on the couch, holding each other as we all watched a TV movie.

  Since they had made it official, Teddy had been over every day and night for the past week. One night, I needed Gia’s approval for an orientation outfit for my internship. So not thinking anything of it, I walked into her bathroom while she was in the shower and started babbling about my clothes. When she didn’t answer me, I got concerned and pulled the curtain aside--not one of the better images I have of my brother. Then I walked in on them having a little too much fun on our kitchen table which made me take new precautions around the house. I had made it imperative to announce very loudly whenever I was entering a room.

  When the show went to a commercial, Gia turned to me, serious and expecting answers that I had been withholding for the past week. I had been avoiding all questions involving my love life, and it was obvious that she was getting anxious for information.

  “Are you ready to talk?” she asked, totally out of the blue.

  I made my eyes large and nodded over at Teddy. There was no way I was going to spill my guts, especially in front of my over-protective brother. He’d probably have a hit out for both men, even if Simon didn’t do anything wrong.

  Just as I said “No,” Teddy’s phone went off on the coffee table, vibrating so much it almost fell to the floor.

  Sitting up with him, Gia moved over so he could reach for the phone.

  “Theodore Monroe, talk to me.”

  I watched as his expression hardened when he heard the voice on the other end. I knew immediately it was Spencer. I’d know that voice, muffled or not.

  “Spencer, how can I help you? I told you to contact Chuck with any questions this week.”

  I tried not to listen, but I couldn’t help it. I caught a few things. Something about a mistake and it was imperative that he spoke with Teddy, now. Typical Spencer, thinking the world revolved around him. Not Teddy, not my brother. He wouldn’t get up and--

  “Hold on,” Teddy said into the phone.

  Well, I guessed Teddy was victim to his demands as well. Kissing Gia’s cheek, he covered the phone. “I have to deal with this. I’ll be right back.” Getting up from the couch, he went to the door and walked outside in the hallway.

  Starring at the door, I tried to listen but the soundproof walls and door were too thick to hear anything.

  “Well?” Gia asked. “You finally going to tell me what happened with Simon?”

  Better to get it over with because she wasn’t going to stop pestering me.

  “Short story--he still wants to make it work. He told me he wanted to start over.”

  Gawking back at me, Gia shook her head in disbelief. “You’ve got a fucking horseshoe up your ass! He wasn’t even mad?”

  “Trust me, I don’t and, of course, he was mad. But he blames himself for leaving. He told me to take my time to figure out what I want.”

  The wheels clearly turned in Gia’s head. “Do you think he cheated, too? And that’s why he’s not upset. That would make so much sense,” she suggested.

  Damn it, she’s got a point. I am a fucking door mat for men. He was messing around with someone, too, and here I thought he was a good guy. “I have to ask him. It would almost be better if he did, right? I mean, he is a good-looking guy. You know Danielle at the boys’ office? She was drooling all over him.”

  Nodding in agreement, Gia took a sip of her drink. Placing it back down she got this really serious look on her face, and I knew the next question before it was out of her mouth. “What about Spencer?” Sitting back on the couch, she got comfortable and waited for my response.

  “What about him? He’s a fucking jerk!” I white-knuckled the pillow in my lap as I spoke.

  “Calm down there, hulk. Don’t rip the pillow apart.”

  I looked down and released my tight grip on the pillow. “He did this, not me. It’s on him,” I said, smoothing the crinkled pillow.

  “You are so stubborn, both of you are actually,” she stated.

  “No shit, that’s why it will never work--” I stopped talking and stared down at the pillow.

  “But? There was a ‘but’ in there. I can see it,” she said, pointing at me.

  “No there’s not,” I snapped.

  “Yes there is, and the but is that you’re scared that you’re never going to get over him. I get it. He took you for an emotional, sexual, exciting ride, and you’re afraid no one is ever going match it.”

  Okay, so what if that had crossed my mind? Most people have a great love or fling that they wished would have worked out or lasted longer.

  That was simply what I had to keep telling myself. Spencer was my once-in-a-lifetime, toe-curling, heart-pounding fling. The kind you tell your grandchildren about when you were old and dying. The back in my day a boy swept me off my feet. He was strong, handsome, and wealthy, then it all went to shit, and I met your granddad. You know? The story you’ve heard a million times?

  “Gia, I can’t keep going round and round with him. He’s got issues and I’m--I’m--ah, who am I kidding? I’m so torn. My heart is literally torn between them. I don’t deserve either one, especially Simon.”

  Gia came over and sat her skinny little butt next to me in the chair, hugging me tightly. “You do deserve a good guy. Now whether it’s Simon or Spencer, I don’t know, but Simon is willing to let you decide. That’s got to stand for something. Maybe you should start over with him, if you really think you are done with Spencer. Speaking from experience, don’t go with one if you’re not truly over the other.”

  Hugging her arm that was draped across my chest, I felt better. I should have talked to her earlier and avoided all this back and forth nonsense.

  Twenty minutes later, Teddy came barging back through the door. “I have to go. They are having issues with the club. Spencer needs me there because he can’t get a hold of Chuck and neither can I,” he said, irritated.

  With only a week until Christmas and then a week until the opening, Teddy was slowly getting overwhelmed. With Charles off doing God knew what, with God knew who, all the businesses they had together, including the club, were falling on Teddy’s shoulders.

  He stood in front of us and I couldn’t help but think that he was holding something back. “What is it Teddy, spit it out,” I snapped, not at him but in annoyance that Spencer must have gotten him involved in our drama.

  “There’s nothing to say. If there was, I’d tell you--promise.” Walking over, he kissed my head then Gia’s cheek. “I’ll call you later,” he said, looking at us both before leaving.

  “Do you think Spencer said something to him?” Gia asked

  “I don’t know and right now I don’t give a fuck. Even if he did, I don’t think it would change how I feel.” Lair! I said to myself. You do care and it would change how you feel, but no one needs to know that.

  ***

  Avoiding the press was, sadly, part of my routine now. I sat down on the couch in the café, thankful that they had told all the paparazzi that they weren’t allowed inside. They also let me sneak in the back door.

  I was one chapter into my book when the door opened and a chorus of voices called inside asking me questions. There had to be something more interesting going
on than me sitting at a café, reading a book. Shaking my head in disgust, I continued reading.

  “Belle?”

  I froze. Simon. Simon was standing in front of me. Not only could I see his shoes, but I could smell his cologne. Closing my book, I turned to look up at him. “Hey, Simon.” Damn, he looks good. He had spiked his hair up and it looked good on him. Unfortunately, I looked like shit in my leggings, sweat shirt, and messy bun on top of my head. My excuse for looking like shit? I was incognito.

  “Is it sad that I have been coming here every day hoping to run into you?”

  Every day? I smiled up at him, as I placed my book next to me. “It’s a little creepy, but also cute. Do you want to sit down?” I asked, gesturing next to me.

  “I’d love to,” he said, placing his bag on the floor before sitting down. “I don’t mean to sound forward, well maybe I do. Have you decided anything?”

  Have I? Was I ready to let go of Spencer? He hadn’t made any attempt to contact me whether it was through my brothers or his confusing one-liner notes. Every day it was getting easier to put him in the past. I hadn’t planned on starting over with Simon when I woke up that morning, but seeing him in front of me put things in perspective. I still cared for Simon, and I did miss him. So, what the hell? It couldn’t get any worse, right? So yes, I think I had decided.

  I turned to Simon, grabbing his hands in mine clearly taking him by surprise. “Simon, if I say yes to you, that I’m willing to start over, I need you to answer a few questions.”

  Still in shock Simon squeezed my hands, nodding to my request.

  “Did you sleep with someone while you were overseas?”

  “No” he said quickly. Scooting closer he pulled my hands towards his chest. “I haven’t been with anyone but you since the night I first met you.”