Sins of Sarah

by Anne Styles

  He had to find a way to keep her; he would go mad without her. Slowly, he dragged himself to his feet and went into the study, pulling the list of calls he had to make from his briefcase. Deliberately he left me door open so that Diana would know he was simply making business calls. It was ironic that most of the calls he had received during the day had been congratulatory ones. He worked conscientiously until Diana came to say that supper was ready. He was shooting a commercial the next day so in fact he had plenty to do, and he had done very little during the day, so distracted had he been.

  It was a stilted, difficult meal, with neither of them seeming to know what to say to each other. Nick finally pushed his hardly touched plate away. 'I'm sorry, I'm really not hungry,' he admitted.

  Diana shrugged. The meal had not been up to her usual standards. 'Nick, what are you going to do?'

  'I don't know.' He leant back wearily. 'For now I'm going to take Boots out. I need to think.' Thankfully, she didn't offer to go with him, so Nick whistled the dog and went for a long walk through the nearby woods in contemplative mood.

  He hated himself for being so spineless and so utterly unable to make a clear decision. And, he thought, suddenly he was feeling old. He knew the lines around his eyes were deeper, and, though thankfully his hair was still thick and showed no sign of receding, there was definitely grey over his ears now. How could he seriously even think of marrying Sarah, he wondered bitterly, tying her down to an old man? She was too young and vibrant, too full of life.

  Yet they shared so much. Like him, she could place any song in a musical - thanks to her father - and they had a shared passion for music and theatre that both rejoiced in. He remembered the absorption on her face as she had listened to Verdi in St Paul's with him, and her determination to sit in the upper circle rather than miss it when even he hadn't been able to get her favourite dress circle seats for a show they desperately wanted to see.

  Diana would have thrown up her hands in horror.

  Sarah loved the open air, competed happily in most of the sports he challenged her with, and cheerfully tramped galleries with him when time permitted, offering pithy and frequently accurate opinions of paintings he thought of buying.

  Though he admitted to treating her like a child to be spoilt, there was still far more to Sarah than a pretty exterior. Moreover, she loved him desperately, and he was going to devastate her if he broke things off. He couldn't do it, he decided, wanting to howl out his frustration to the dark, silent trees around him. He slammed his fist against the unforgiving trunk of an oak, almost rejoicing in the pain the blow produced, and decided then, to go back to London that night. Away from the suffocating atmosphere of Diana's influence. Back to Sarah. This time to stay.

  Marching back into the house with his new resolve, he was horrified to find several reporters hammering on the front door and Diana in tears in the kitchen. 'Nick, oh, thank goodness! Get rid of them, please?' she begged him, all animosity gone.

  Angrily, Nick forcibly ejected the four men with threats of legal action for trespass that he knew quite well he had no way of fulfilling. But it was enough to shift them to the sanctuary of the gate, out of view of the house. He returned then to pick up his overnight bag, and Diana suddenly realized he was leaving.

  'Nick! Please don't go!' she begged him, tears still obvious on her cheeks. 'Don't leave me alone in the house - not tonight, - please. They'll come back. I know they will!' Very slowly he looked at her, and knew he couldn't leave her on her own. His sense of decency was being tested to the limit, and in the face of her distress he simply couldn't do it

  'It makes no difference, you know,' he said, firmly. 'I can't go on like this, Diana. But I will stay tonight.'

  'In my bed?' Diana stopped crying in an instant.

  'No, in my own bed,' Nick decided. 'Take it or leave it, but that's the one condition I am going to stick to. It's never worried you before.'

  'Well, it does now.' Diana was equally firm. 'Nick, I know what we decided after Charlotte was born, but have you ever thought that we should have another baby? It could be the one thing that would give some purpose to what's left of our marriage.'

  Nick stared at her in complete horror as her words sank in. 'Are you out of your mind?' he demanded. 'You damn well almost died having Lotte, and you want to risk another child - after all the doctors told you?'

  'For you I would.'

  'The hell it's for me!' Nick turned angrily away from her. 'It's just another way to trap me and make me feel guilty! No way would I allow any woman to go through the hell you went through and you know it! For goodness' sake, Diana, you talk about my age, but .you are acting like a stupid child. To have a baby at thirty-nine is no joke, even if it was straightforward, and you know damn well it wouldn't be! It would be suicidal and I refuse to even consider it!'

  'It's the duty of every married couple to have children,' she protested, realising that even that hold on him wouldn't work.

  'Not if it risks life itself,' he retaliated. 'Nothing is worth that risk. I won't have that on my conscience!'

  'Well, at least it proves something.'

  'Oh, and what's that?'

  'You do have some feeling for me. Nick.'

  'Yes,' he said slowly, almost reluctantly. 'I do, I respect you - I always have. You're far more than I deserve most of the time, but I need more, Diana. I can't live like a monk for the rest of my life. You may think I'm too old to need - well - sex, if you want to put it bluntly, but I do. Not the cold mechanics of it, but love - real love. I want someone who feels like I do, who actually doesn't care if I want to make love on a garden bench. For years I thought I could live as you wanted me to, and I did try. But it's different now. Sarah changed all that.'

  'Nick, you could have that with anyone else, but not Sarah Campbell. I can't cope with her! I know I can't change that much, and I know that you'd want someone else occasionally, but not her.' 'How can you even contemplate a life like that?' he demanded curiously. 'Living here, alone, knowing I was with another woman. Surely it would be far better to end it, start again with someone else?'

  'No, Nick. I could never do that! Oh, don't think the offers aren't there, they are - several, in fact. But I chose to marry you, and the sanctity of my marriage vows is very important to me.'

  Wearily Nick turned away. 'Then I hope you don't live to regret that decision,' he said sadly. "There's not much more to say, is there? I'm going to bed. I have a long day's shoot tomorrow.'

  'Will you come back home tomorrow evening?' Diana tried to be casual.

  'I'm not sure.' He was quite honest. 'I think it would be better if I didn't, don't you?'

  'I want you here,' she admitted.

  'And you'll threaten me with-turning Lotte against me if I don't come home? Forget it, Diana. I may give in over asking for a divorce - for the time being - but I will not be threatened over Lotte. Is that understood?'

  Time - it was all he needed. Time to get the company under his financial control, even to start a new one if he needed to. Nick left her alone in the kitchen and took himself off to bed. But, like many other nights recently, sleep eluded him. Miserably he tossed around, again endlessly searching for a solution to his problems. Diana - or Sarah? One of them or both? Tears pricked once more at his eyelids as he realized the futility of it all. Rolling over, he cried silently into the pillow as his despair took over. Whatever he did, one or other would be hurt, and he hated himself for what he had done. Diana lay in her own bed and listened to him, appalled that he could be so unhappy over another woman, but totally unable to bring herself to feel sorry for him. This was his battle, and as far as she was concerned he was going to have to fight it - alone.

  * * *

  Nick had two frantic days of shooting before he could get away to see Sarah. Two days of being foul to his hard-pressed crew and having to go back to Oxford after long days on location in Sussex did nothing for his temper. Still, besieged by reporters as Diana was, he couldn't leave her alone to cop
e with them, and she refused point-blank to go to her parents' home for refuge.

  He spoke to Sarah on the phone several times a day, though she was busy too, in rehearsal for a television drama she had somehow fitted into her busy schedule. Yet he was still unable to come to any decision. No one who knew him would have believed the turmoil going on inside him as he drove into the garage of Sarah s flats early Thursday evening.

  She was smiling as she met him at the door. Guess what! I've just had a call from Patrick Lythgoe. He wants me to sing with him in a charity gala next weekend! She had done another Secret Agent since that first one, and she and Patrick had become better friends, though they would never be good ones. .

  'Are you going to do it?' he asked, surprised.

  'Why not? It should be fun, even with Patrick.' Cheered by her smile. Nick gathered her into his arms and held her in a grip so tight she could hardly breathe as he kissed her. 'Was it that bad?' she asked as he finally released her and led her to the sofa.

  'Yes, I'm afraid it was,' he admitted. 'And my crew must hate me. I've been awful to live with.' 'Poor darling.' She curled up against him. What are we going to do?'

  'I want to hold you in my arms,' he said, laughing for the first time in three days. 'But I may not be able to for a while.'

  'I don't think I like the sound of that.' She sat up, turning his face towards her. 'What is it Nick, tell me?'

  'Later - we'll discuss it later,' he promised. He was passionate and loving as he kissed her over and over again, bringing her to the brink of tears as she realized his distress was as great as hers.

  'It sounds as if I'm going to need this,' she commented, seating herself on the floor at his feet and sipping at the drink she had poured for them. Nick played with her tumbled mass of hair and told her of the trauma of the last few days.

  'For the moment I can't get a divorce, Sarah,' he finished quietly. 'I want one, and I've asked Diana for one, believe me. But I have no grounds to divorce her and she refuses to even consider it. Oh, I can carry on as before - she can do nothing about that - but I can offer you nothing else at the moment, and I just don't feel that's fair to you. I want to give you so much more than that. It could easily take years. To be honest, I've been wondering if maybe you and I should have a breathing space. I've treated you both very badly. I never meant for things to go this far, - believe me, but now they have and I have to find a solution. I love you very much, Sarah, but I must save the company - or I could end up hating you because I'd lost it, or got it into such a financial mess that I might just as well have done. Maybe living together would work, maybe it wouldn't - I don't know. But you have to think about it carefully before we do anything. I refuse to rush you into something you might very much regret later.'

  'So you won't simply move in with me now?'

  'No, darling. Not because I don't want to, I do - very much. But I can't - not yet, don't you see? The Press would ruin you, and it matters at this stage of your career, take it from me.'

  'The hell I will!' Sarah jumped up. 'I've had time to think too. Nick. While reporters have hammered at my door and I couldn't even go out shopping because of them! You won't make a commitment to me, will you? That's your problem. Well, this time I've had enough! I've dreamt about us getting married - just like Cress and James are. Yes, I know, orange blossom and confetti - all that! I want it too. Why shouldn't I?'

  'I can't give it to you, darling.' Nick sighed. 'Not yet anyway. I simply can't make that promise at the moment. We need to think.'

  'Stalling! That's all you're doing. Nick Grey! Well, I've had it! I've had it with you - I don't need it any more! I won't be your 'bit on the side' any longer. I'll ... I'll marry Charlie instead.'

  'Then more fool you! Sarah, be sensible,' he pleaded. 'Just give it a little time. I'll work something out with Diana eventually.'

  'No, it's now or nothing. Nick! I want commitment. A ring, even - a real life together. I don't mind about the company. If you really loved me it wouldn't matter to you either. You'd let it go!'

  'I can't! Sarah, don't you realize? I have thirty-five employees at Wardour Street, not to mention all the freelancers we employ. If I let the company fold, they'd all be out of work, and they have families - mortgages and things. Could you really live with knowing that I'd deliberately let them all down? Because, frankly, I couldn't. I may be fairly ruthless but I'm not cruel, and I can't do it. If Diana got wind of any plans I had with you, she and her damned father would immediately demand all her share of the business - in cash. She has that right and she'd do it, out of sheer spite. I have to find a way to avoid that - and I can, given a little time.'

  Sarah was beyond being reasoned with even though she knew deep down every word he uttered made total sense. "There is no time,' she said stubbornly. 'I won't play second fiddle to a load of accountants! It's over, Nicholas. You were right; you're far too old for me, I want fun, discos, parties, kids of my own age, and to wear clothes that I want to wear, not what you consider suitable!'

  'The hell you do! I have never said no to anything you wanted to do or go to, and you know it!' he protested. 'The only thing I've ever objected to is that wretched baseball cap!' But the realization had hit him that she meant what she was saying. All his anguish over the last few days was for nothing, and she was making the last decision he had expected.

  'I mean it, Nicholas.' She faced him squarely and tried not to cry. Ironically, it was the one time she held onto her tears. If she had wept at that point Nick would have given way, but for some unknown reason she stayed calmly dry-eyed.

  'In that case, there's nothing much to say, is there?' Nick rose, his height making him suddenly tower above her, and her resolve crumbled a little. 'I'm glad you made a decision before too many people got hurt. Make no mistake, Sarah, I fell in love with you the moment I saw you. I tried not to, believe me, I tried very hard. But I'll go on loving you.' He hung onto his self-control -just - and bent to kiss her rigid cheek before turning to go.

  Stony-faced she watched him leave, refusing his offer to return her key and stood like a statue in the middle of her living room as her misery slowly gave way to anger. Deep down, the sensible, decent part of her knew she had done the right thing. From now on, she would go it alone, without him. Let his wife have him!

  She would show the bastard - who needed him? She thought bitterly. Staring at herself in the bedroom mirror, she knew she was beautiful, well, now that she was notorious too she could have any man she chose! Any, she told herself, and the tears began to roll down her face again. The problem was that she didn't want another man.

  Nick had spoilt her for anyone else. But she had to start again, somehow she had to put him behind her. She would show Diana Grey that she wasn't beaten. There had to be someone around who could make her forget Nick, Some-one better than Nick, someone, somewhere . . .

  Eventually, slowly, she reached for the phone and dialled Tim Farmer's number. She would start close to home.

  'Hi, Tim!' She put on her most cheerful voice. 'Is that party still on for tonight? Because if it is, I'd like to change my mind and come.'

  CHAPTER 19

  In the next few months it seemed that Sarah Campbell's scandalous name was never out of the newspapers or magazines as she worked flat out on as many productions as she could fit in. She turned nothing down, taking parts that she would previously not have looked at, and stripped off without compunction as the directors asked her, fitting a social life around her work which would have floored most people. Personal appearances alone netted her a fortune that summer as she filled up empty spaces in her weekend diary, almost afraid to have any spare time, it seemed.

  Her appearance with Patrick at the gala had opened up yet another avenue for both of them when they were invited to record the song they'd sung together. Gleefully, they plugged the song on all the chat shows - leading to bitter comments from Marie Louise, Patrick's girlfriend, which were automatically picked up and exaggerated by all the newspapers.

>   Bruce Webster, the record company boss, soon became another escort, provoking more comment about Sarah's preferences for older men. Sarah didn't give a damn, and plunged into the wealthy, extravagant world that he lived in with a cheerful abandon, working all day and partying all night. Bruce was forty-five and in the middle of a divorce, and whatever reputation Sarah still had soon plunged to an all-time low, to the distress of both Charles and a despairing Nick, who carefully kept an eye on her from a distance.

  In vain, Oscar and Charles begged her to slow down. 'You'll bum yourself out,' Charles said worried, looking at her tired face one day at one of their infrequent lunches. 'And since when have you started smoking?' She had done her best to avoid him, ashamed of her party life, knowing his main ambition was to keep her from it, but Charles had persisted and was still very much around. With a clatter she dropped her fork and faced him.

  'One more lecture, Charles Hastings, and I'll walk out on you,' she warned. 'You are not my father!'

  'If I were I could deal with you!' He frowned. 'Sarah, you don't look well. I'm worried about you.'

  'We were shooting a commercial all night.' She tried to make it sound easy. 'I haven't had any sleep. I'll be fine tomorrow.'

  'Then you should've stayed in bed today!' He was horrified. 'Why on earth did you say you'd come out?'

  'Because I knew it was hopeless trying to sleep. The flat's too noisy during the day, and my doctor won't give me any more pills.'

  'Have you been taking sleeping pills?' he demanded, regretting not keeping a better eye on her - at least via George if nothing else. He was sure that George knew nothing of pills, and he immediately blamed Bruce, whom he knew and distrusted.

  'I need them, Charlie,' she said sadly. 'I don't sleep well, and I need to if I'm going to keep working. There's nothing else to do.' Charles looked at her hard. She had lost a lot of weight, he realized, and her eyes, usually so sparklingly hazel, looked as if someone had drawn a veil over them. He signalled to the waiter to take their plates and bring Sarah some coffee. 'I'm going to make a phone call,' he said firmly. 'Just stay there.' With a sinking heart Sarah watched him go to the phone, fearing the worst. All she wanted to do was lie down and shut her sore eyes, not have the confrontation with George that she feared Charles was arranging.