But on the third time he decided he’d had enough.
“Elspeth?” he asked as he ducked his head into the nursery and she had looked up from where she’d been entertaining the lads by making shadows on the walls.
“Yes?”
“These boys should be asleep,” he said. “See that they are, and soon. And then join me downstairs; there’s something we need to discuss.”
It had not occurred to Elspeth to be concerned and after the boys were asleep she walked down to the study fully expecting Clifford to consult with her about some chore he wanted done or to add to her ongoing academic assignments.
But when she walked in and saw his grim face she knew right away it would be neither of those things.
“Is something amiss, master?” she asked, although she knew it was.
“What do you think?”
Elspeth bit her lip, wishing he’d not put the question to her. Obviously something was amiss, very amiss. The fact that she could not think of what it was made her feel inadequate and nervous.
“Who do you work for, Elspeth? My sons or me?”
“I…I work for you.”
“Indeed you do, as I am the head of this household, while Harry and Colin are just lads.”
She nodded. “Yes?”
“So,” he continued. “Would you please tell me why you persist on encouraging my sons to disobey me and to disrespect my rules?”
Elspeth felt her heart sink. She knew instantly what he was referring to, and realized that while she felt a member of the family she’d forgotten her place, and to a certain extent her master’s authority.
“Sir, I…” she began, but Clifford held up his hand.
“It brings me no pleasure to have to correct you, Elspeth,” he said. “In fact, I find it quite disappointing that you put me in position of having to do so.”
“Master, please,” she began, but he stopped her with one angry look.
“Do not interrupt me, lass. Don’t even think of it.” He shook his head as he took a step forward. “My but you forget yourself, Elspeth, the way you practically flout my rules…”
“I don’t flout them,” she objected. “I admit to being forgetful of them..”
“Forgetful?” Clifford raised an eyebrow. “If it’s forgetfulness, it’s quite the selective sort. You seem capable of remembering menus, tasks, even your letters. However, it seems you are now incapable of remembering my rules.”
He took hold of her arm. “I aim to help you with that.”
“Please, sir..” Elspeth tried to keep the edge of fear out of her voice but she could not. The memory of previous spankings at Clifford’s strong hand came rushing back and she whimpered in apprehension as he took a seat in the straight-backed chair by the fire and pulled her over his knee.
Elspeth felt a sense of shame. She knew in her heart that she’d gotten lax, that she had let herself become too secure in her role. She knew she had in that way defied him and that she deserved what she was getting. But she also knew she had feelings for Clifford, feelings she could never divulge since he no doubt did not feel the same way. Having him chastise her in this way was painful not only physically, but emotionally to a girl who did not want to be reminded of just what she was to him, and what she could never be.
Of course Elspeth could have no way of knowing that Clifford had spanked his wife, or that he was not spanking her to reinforce their differences but because he truly did not like having his rules disobeyed.
Not that knowing these things would have made Elspeth feel much better. As his large and lifted the hem of her gown, she continued to whimper in fear.
“Hold still,” he commanded and Elspeth tried to obey as her heart pounded in her chest like a drum. But when his hand impacted her bottom, suffusing it with pain she yelped and put her hands back to shield herself
“Elspeth!” He rebuked her sharply and she reluctantly moved her hands, knowing it was prohibited to cover herself. She held her fists clenched in front of her face as she looked fearfully behind her. Elsbeth saw Clifford raise his hand and then saw it descend before another blow had her bucking in pain. But her punisher simply strengthened his grip and began to spank his young servant briskly, which set Elspeth to howls that faded to deep, open-mouthed sobs.
Clifford could tell he was hurting the girl, and sought to summon the same unfeeling stoicism he’d felt the first time he’d spanked her shortly after her arrival at his home. But as her cries and pleadings became more plaintive he had to force himself to continue, realizing he’d not been so conflicted since he’d spanked his fair but willful Caroline.
“Are you going to enforce my rules?” he demanded to know, making himself bring his hand down to punctuate each word.
“Yes! By the Christ, yes!!” she cried.
“Swearing now, are we?” he asked, shaking his head and leveled a new volley of spanks at the tender skin of her lower bottom. Again, it did not please him to do so, but he would have her know that swearing – even in her state of distress – was strictly forbidden.
Elspeth was bawling now and clutching the rung of the chair with her hands to keep from clutching her bottom. Her efforts to hold her position did not escape Clifford’s notice and giving her two more for good measure he stopped.
Elspeth’s bottom was an fiery red with deeper scarlet imprints left by his fingers. Her body continued to be wracked by sobs as she lay there, and he let her lay there for a moment and compose herself before carefully lifting her to standing.
Elspeth was shaky on her feet and her face was all but distraught as she stood before Clifford Harker. He studied her for a moment, trying to think of something wise or comforting to say and when he couldn’t he shocked them both by taking her in his arms and giving her a soothing hug.
“I’m so sorry,” she sobbed into his chest. “I’m so very sorry. I’m too soft with the boys. I know it. And I need to be stronger. But I swear I’m not doing it to be defiant. I just…I just love them is all.”
“There, there,” he said, feeling suddenly sorry for the girl. Tipping her face up, he looked down at Elspeth noticing for the first time how truly beautiful she was. She’d picked up a bit of weight since she’d arrived and that had filled out her face, which now glowed with good health. Her eyes were framed with long, tear-sodden lashes, her trembling lips full and so inviting that he could not stop himself from kissing them.
Her mouth yielded sweetly to him and he reveled in her soft submission to him, his mouth deepening its hold on hers as she tentatively and then passionately returned his kiss.
Clifford felt his hand roam down her back and stop before traveling down to her bottom. She was just a girl, after all, a servant. He could not…
“No!” He tore himself away and turned, the back of his hand to his mouth.
Elspeth’s mouth ached for the ardent pressure of his again, the breath now coming in hot gasps from between her parted lips.
“I…Did I do something wrong?” she asked softly.
He wanted to turn to look at her but could not, not until he’d composed himself. When he felt he had, he made his face as impassive as possible.
“No, Elspeth,” he said. “I did.”
“No,” she began, but he held up a hand to indicate he wanted her silence.
“Yes,” he countered. “I’m a lonely man, a widower. Sometimes the need for…something is overwhelming. I am sorry that you were here when one of those needs struck. It was not my right to do that.” He paused. “Nor my true desire.”
Elspeth bit her lip and nodded. She felt heat rise to her face and suddenly felt angry with Clifford Harker for misleading them both and angry at herself for thinking what she’d felt pass between them could possibly have been real
“I beg your pardon,” she said quietly. “If I tempted you in any way, I…”
“It’s not for you to apologize,” he said. “I am the man of this house, I am the master, I am the one in control. You answer to me, but I answer to myse
lf and I am responsible for what happened. Not you.”
She nodded but did not look at him and he felt a stab of pain. Even now he wanted to take her, to hold her. He was lying and he knew it, even if she didn’t. He was not about to let this girl blame herself. He was not about to bring her any more pain than he already had.
“Elspeth, do you understand it is not your fault?”
“Yes,” she said quietly, still looking at the floor.
“Very well, then,” he said. “Please go to your room, then. And tomorrow we will both try harder to be the people we should be.”
Elspeth nodded and turned, walking stiffly from the room. Clifford took a step forward and stopped, clutching the chair to keep himself from following after her. He wanted to go to the girl, but he could not bring himself to do so. So he stood there and watched her go, drawing in regret with every breath.
***
Elspeth did not allow herself to break down until she reached her room. As soon as she did she barred the door and threw herself on the bed, where she sobbed brokenly into her pillow.
Oh god, she loved him. She really did. She was a fool, a complete and utter fool. She was a servant, a pathetic girl so poor that she was working for a man. She lived by his leave with nothing of her own. Why should he want her? Clifford Harker was a fine gentleman in a fine house with two fine sons. He was in mourning now, as he’d pointed out, and vulnerable. He’d given in to a moment of weakness and had stopped when he realized who – or what – he’d been kissing.
It was nearly winter, the time of year when couples generally kept close, kept each other warm. By spring he’d be over this emotional hurdle, and perhaps strong enough to look for love again.
“I won’t be me,” Elspeth sobbed into her pillow. “It won’t be me.”
She tried to imagine Clifford Harker bringing another woman around, an acceptable proper woman. She tried to imagine serving him and this woman dinner as she continued her servitude, of watching this woman take her place with Harry and Colin of seeing this new family go off together on picnics and leave her behind to watch longingly from the window.
She imagined Clifford Harker placing his hand on this new wife’s swelling belly and looking at her with pride, their eyes filled only with love for each other.
This brought tears anew and while she knew she should not be torturing herself, she could not stop the images from coming.
“You must be strong,” she told herself. “You must be strong. It will not do for you to pretend that you can have something you were not meant for.”
Her bottom still throbbed from the spanking and suddenly she felt a great comfort in the pain. It was a reminder that he really touched her, that he was guiding her, that he took an interest in shaping her. It was a reminder of what had happened next and how she had gone from despair to elation in his grip.
“Silly fool.”
She gingerly sat up on the edge of the bed and then stood and walked over to the dresser, pouring some water into the wash basin and splashing it on her face. By the dim candlelight, she could still see how red-rimmed her eyes were, how haunted they were by her own desperate longing.
Elspeth removed her apron and hung it on the peg by the dresser. Next came the dress, and she turned to look at her bottom, wincing at its splotchy and reddened surface. Dipping the washcloth into the cool water she sponged it gently on the torture surface.
She slipped on a chemise then and undid the hair from the loose bun, brushing it as it cascaded down her back.
She sighed as she put the brush down. Tomorrow was a new start, and she vowed to greet the day as a stronger woman who reminded herself as many time as necessary of her station, of her place in the order of things. She would not delude herself or pretend she could be the princess in a fairy tale.
“You are just a maid,” she reminded her reflection. “Just a maid and nothing more. Perhaps I should just leave.” But even as she said the words the breath caught in her throat and she stifled a sob. As much as she loved Clifford, she loved the boys even more. She could never abandon them; they would never understand. Harry was just able to trust again, and Colin’s sweet trusting nature – how could she survive a day without that sweet smile, those warm hugs.
“I’ll stay,” she said into the mirror. “I’ll stay and let things unfold as they will. If he finds love then that is good for him and the boys. Better I be unhappy than then, and would not their happiness be a bright spark in my heart?”
She told herself she was being selfish to even want more, and that she was lucky to even be here. After all, some others had not even survived the journey to this land. She told herself that she would be, could be a good servant and a good nursemaid. And she told herself that she would too would eventually find love, just not with the man she wanted more than anything on earth.
Chapter Nine
Clifford Harker purposefully avoided Elspeth the next day. For her part, she was not surprised or hurt. She knew the kiss they shared had confused him, and possibly filled him with guilt as well. He was not over the death of his wife, after all, and as long as she remained a presence in the house any affection he showed another woman – no matter how small – would seem like a betrayal.
In a way, Elspeth felt guilty herself. She was falling in love with Clifford, even as she urged his dead’s wife children to remember and talk about their mother. She knew that Harry and Colin were both young enough to accept her as a stepmother, and would grow to love her as Caroline’s replacement should the impossible happen and she marry the man she called master. But to even love their father was, Elspeth believed, a type of active magic that could make him love her in return. So even as she encouraged the boys to honor Caroline, she worked her wiles on the dead woman’s mate.
She knew this, and acknowledged it, not as something wrong or sinful but as fact. There was, after all, no way to fall out of love. The best she could do would be to remember her place and not encourage her feelings or envision them going anywhere beyond that once kiss and the occasional longing glance she could feel from him, even if she did not see it directly.
Clifford brought a book to dinner, which he pretended to read so he could avoid eye contact or conversation with Elspeth as she dutifully served and then ate with the family. She did not press him, nor did she try to engage him even marginally. Instead she chatted with the boys about their day and about what they would do on the next.
“We could go down to the pond,” Colin offered. “It’s nearly iced.”
“Not enough,” Harry said wisely. “Papa says it won’t be ready for skating for a month yet.
“Then that settles that,” Elspeth said. “If you’d like come this Sunday after church we’ll walk down and check its progress.”
“Not this Sunday.”
All looked up at the sound of Clifford’s voice.
“There’s a dinner at the church after services,” he announced. “We will be attending.”
He looked at Elspeth. “All of us.”
She said nothing, only nodded. Part of her was surprised, as she thought Clifford would seek to distance himself from her in the wake of their kiss.
“He just needs me there to mind the children,” she said to balance her childish dreams against reality. “He’ll want to socialize, meet people. He needs someone to watch the boys as he does that, and that is all.”
He said nothing more to her after breakfast other than to tell her he would be in his study and did not want to be disturbed unless there was an emergency or a caller. As luck would have it, though, a visitor did come to call just before noon.
It was Reverend Habersham’s wife. Beside her was a tall pretty young woman in a traveling cloak and bonnet.
“Mrs. Habersham.” Elspeth dropped into a polite curtsy. “So nice to see you.”
The preacher’s wife tilted her head back and looked down her nose at Elspeth.
“My word,” she said disgustedly. “Look at you, attempting to engage me in conversat
ion as if you were the lady of this house.”
She looked past Elspeth. “Where’s Mr. Harker?”
“I’ll fetch him. Wait here.”
Elspeth turned, saying no more lest she speak her mind. The boys, who had followed her to the door now trailed behind her like baby ducks to their father’s study.
When they got there Elspeth quietly knocked on the door.
“Yes?”
“You have visitors,” she said.
She heard him sigh and get up.
“Who?” he asked, opening the door.
“Mrs. Habersham. And a guest.”
He took off his glasses and tucked them in his pocket.
“Show them to the parlor and serve them some tea, Elspeth. I’ll be along directly. See that the boys keep to their room.”
“As you wish, sir,” she said with a curtsy.
She heard the study door click as she turned to go back down the hall. The boys were there waiting halfway down for her. Elspeth stopped and knelt before them with a smile.
“Colin, Harry,” she said, looking serious. “Your father is receiving guests and wants you to stay in your nursery until they leave.”
“Why?” Colin asked.
“Because he wants it to be so. And it so it shall.” She made her tone especially firm, looking from one boy to the next to impress how seriously she took the matter. “Now upstairs with you both.”
The boys obeyed and Elspeth went back to the front door.
“Mr. Harker would like you to wait in the parlor. I’ll fetch some tea if you’d like.”
“Yes, we would.” Mrs. Habersham said. Elspeth turned to lead the way.
As they walked, the preacher’s wife addressed the woman at her side, talking as Elspeth couldn’t hear.
“Mr. Harker was kind enough to take this girl in when she was nothing more than a filthy, uncouth beggar at the port. Why he keeps her I’ll never know; servants are scarce. Perhaps that is why.”
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