Elspeth’s face reddened and she felt her Irish temper flare but said nothing as she opened the parlor door and directed the women to two chairs.
After checking the fire she hurried off to get the tea. The water boiled far too fast for her and soon she was back in with the tray.
Mrs. Habersham took hers without acknowledging Elspeth, but her guest smiled kindly.
“Thank you,” she said.
Elspeth smiled back. “You are welcome.”
The parlor door opened then and Clifford Harker entered. Walking over to the women he took the preacher’s wife’s hand.
“Mrs. Habersham.”
“Mr. Harker.” Her thin lips spread in an unattractive smile. “Do you remember Prudence Alder, my niece?”
He smiled and took her hand. “Yes, I do. You were here summer before last, correct?”
“Yes.” Prudence stood, and Elspeth noticed that she was just half a head shorter than he. Next to the both of them she felt very small.
“I was sorry to hear of your wife’s passing, Mr. Harker. And your young son’s passing as well. How are your other boys, - Colin and Harry I believe?”
“Yes,” he said. “They are adapting.”
“He is a good father,” Mrs. Habersham said. “It’s indeed divine inspiration that guides him to be such a good father, raising these boys as he does with no mother figure in the house.”
Elspeth poured the tea and waited for Clifford to correct her, but he did not.
“Indeed it can be difficult,” he said. “But they are smart lads. They make it easier than it looks.”
“Will that be all?” Elspeth spoke the words over the lump in her throat, looking away as she addressed Clifford. But he seemed not to notice.
“Yes, you are excused,” he said. “But stay within earshot in case our guests need anything else.”
She walked from the room, and once outside the door could not stop the hot tears that coursed down her face.
“Stop it,” she told herself. But she couldn’t stop. All the months of caring for the boys, of guiding them from their sad little shells into the happy, easygoing lads they were becoming.
Elspeth could not, would not sell herself short. While neither she nor Clifford had intended for her to become a mother figure to his sons, she had. Did he not notice the way their eyes lit up when they saw her? Did he not see their growing bond? Did he not feel it himself? If he didn’t, then why had he increasingly included her in family outings, even taking her to church? Why had he taken the time to teach her to read? Why had he kissed her?
She brushed the tears away, trying to stop more from coming as she faced a harsh new reality. Clifford Harker was lonely. He was lonely and she was the only adult female in his life. And now someone from his past had come to visit and everything she’d become had vanished like smoke.
“Elspeth!”
She wiped her eyes quickly at the sound of his voice and rushed to splash cold water in her face.
“Elspeth! Where are you?”
“Here!” She wiped her face again, this time with her apron and walked towards the sound of his voice.
“Yes?”
When she saw him, his expression was dark and angry.
“The boys are in the parlor,” he said. “I thought I told you…”
“Yes,” she said. “And I told them…”
He ignored her and cut her off. “Bring some cakes to the parlor to go with the tea. And then take Colin and Harry back to their rooms!”
There was condemnation in his voice, as if it were her fault the boys had defied his wishes. And perhaps it was. Rather than retreat to the kitchen perhaps she should have gone to the nursery instead.
She piled some cakes on a plate and hurried to the parlor, where the boys sat looking chastened, even as Prudence sat talking to them.
“My word…,” she was saying. “I cannot believe how big you have gotten! And how handsome!”
“Elspeth!” They jumped up and ran to her, talking excitedly.
“We’re sorry we made Papa angry, but we missed you,” Colin said.
“Yes,” affirmed Harry. “Come play with us!”
“I will,” she said. “But after I serve Papa’s guests. So back to your rooms, please.”
The boys grumbled but obeyed and as soon as they were out of earshot Mrs. Habersham turned to Clifford.
“Those boys need a mother, sir,” she said gravely. “A cultured woman, not some educated country chit who treats them like her playmates. They need someone who can instruct them and raise them to be gentlemen.”
“Mrs. Habersham, please,” Clifford Harker raised his hand and Elspeth felt hope that he would defend her against the insult. But she was to be disappointed again.
“The boys are fine and I am fine,” he said. “In time I will court again and the woman I choose will be suitable. For now I have business to attend to.”
Mrs. Habersham smiled over her teacup.
“Did you know my niece will be staying with us for the next month?” she asked innocently. “It would be rather nice if you would perhaps accompany her to some of our church functions. For instance, the supper on Sunday?”
“Auntie,” Prudence began.
“Oh, come now,” Mrs. Habersham said. “It will give the two of you a chance to catch up. You talked so easily the last time she was here. And as I recall, your lovely Caroline remarked that two of you had quite a bit in common – you both loved books, sewing, gardening, music…”
“Please..” Prudence’s tone was growing embarrassed.
“So what do you say, Mr. Harker?”
“Why not?” he said with a smile. “It would be an honor. The boys will enjoy your company, I’m sure, and my servant will probably appreciate a Sunday afternoon to herself. Right Elspeth?”
The lump had returned to Elspeth’s throat and she could only nod as she stoked the fire.
“Will that be all?” she finally asked.
“Yes,” he said, and she left, the sound of the trio’s conversation lingering in her ears as she retreated up the stairs.
***
The boys’ excitement at seeing her was nearly enough to make her want to cry again.
“I drew you a picture!” Colin climbed in her lap as she sat down and handed her a piece of paper with a crude heart in the center. Inside the heart was the figure of what Elspeth surmised to be the two of them.
“Do you love it!”
“I do,” she said, clutching him to her. “And I will treasure it forever and ever.”
“I helped,” Harry said. “His heart would have looked like a circle otherwise, so it’s from me too.”
She smiled. “Thanks.”
“Who is that strange woman with Mrs. Habersham and Papa?” Harry asked. “She said she knows us but I don’t remember.”
“Her name is Miss Alder,” Elspeth said. “She’s Mrs. Habersham’s niece. She’s staying with Mrs. Habersham and the Reverend Habersham for a month.”
Colin made a face.
“That’s sad,” he said. “They are no fun.”
Elspeth put her hand in front of her face so they wouldn’t see her grin.
“Well,” she said, regaining her composure. “Don’t let your father hear you say that. He’ll think you rude.”
“And then we’ll be in trouble.”
“Yes.”
There was a knock at the nursery door and then Clifford Harker entered.
“Our guests have gone,” he announced. “And I’m most disappointed in you two boys.” He turned to Elspeth. “And in you for allowing them to defy me. Again.”
She stood, her hurt and anger rising to the surface.
“I did not allow them to defy you,” she corrected. “I was serving guests who arrived without any announcement in the middle of an already structured day. The boys were restless.”
“That is of no consequence,” he said hotly. “These boys are losing respect for me. Mrs. Habersham is…”
“…right?” Elspeth finished his sentence, hurt hanging on the word.
“Boys,” she said, not wanting them to hear any more. “Please leave the room. I’d have a word with your father.”
Colin and Harry seemed to sense that something was wrong and walked out. Once they were gone she shut the door.
“You may beat me for my frankness, master, but I do not care. No physical punishment could hurt as badly as your treatment of me in front of those women. Yes, I am just a servant. No, I am no cultured lady. But in spite of being ordered not to, I have loved these boys of yours and they love me in return. It was not planned that way, but love seldom plans itself. To be talked about as if I’m nothing more than a workhorse in this house is beyond painful. You let Mrs. Habersham humiliate me. I am grateful at least, that her guest has more manners. I am disappointed, however, in your lack of them.”
Clifford Harker stood there, stunned.
“You dare talk to me in such a way?” he asked, his tone full of warning.
“Yes,” she said. “I do.”
They started at one another and she waited there, waited for him to take hold of her and grab the nearest implement and use it on her helpless bottom. But instead, he simply nodded, adjusted his jacket and then, turning on his heel, walked out.
Elspeth stood there, not knowing whether she should follow him or not. She searched her instincts and decided it was telling her not to.
She turned back towards the fire and stared into it, feeling the hot tears of hurt and regret rush down her face. What had she been thinking to confront him?
Then she heard footsteps and before she could turn she felt his hand on her arm, turning her towards him roughly. Fear welled in hear heart. He was going to beat her, she knew. He was going to beat her worse than she’d ever been beaten. She tried to steel herself for it, so when he leaned down and kissed her, it was a complete surprise.
His mouth on hers was hungry and insistent. And wet. And that’s when she realized the tears she felt sliding between their lips weren’t just hers but his as well.
“Elspeth,” he said against her mouth. “Elspeth, I’m so sorry. I’m so very sorry.”
He was clutching her so tightly now that it hurt. But she did not tell him so, and just let him hold her as his lips coursed a trail from her mouth to her throat.
Elspeth had never been kissed like this, and threw her head back, her breath coming in little gasps as his hands roamed her body with possessive desperation.
“I forgive you,” she managed. “You know I do. I forgive you. I love you.
“I love you,” he said. “And what a fool I am. I just realized it, Elspeth. I love you. The boys love you….”
“Elspeth?”
Colin’s voice snapped her out of her daydream. Turning she dried her eyes quickly.
“Yes?”
“It’s snowing,” he said. “Come and see.”
She took his little hand then and walked down the stairs. As she passed the hallway she saw Clifford standing there. He looked at her for a long moment before ducking into his study and shutting the door.
“Elspeth?” Colin looked up at her questioningly.
“Yes,” she said. “I’m coming.”
***
It snowed all night, the hardest and earliest snowfall the region had seen in years. By morning a blanket of white covered the ground, with no signs of stopping. Elspeth was up earlier than usual to stoke the fires and check that the boys’ blankets were pulled up round them.
She thought about going back to bed but knew she would not be able to sleep if she did. So instead she sat in the rocking chair by the window wrapped in a blanket to await the gray and snowy dawn.
Elspeth did not know how long Clifford Harker had been standing there watching. When she turned to catch sight of him in the doorway she couldn’t say anything. At first he didn’t either. Then he walked over to her and sat in the chair beside hers.
“I should have defended you yesterday,” he said. “You were right. Mrs. Habersham was needlessly cruel.” He paused. “It may be hard for you to understand, Elspeth, but any indication of….feeling…on my part would be tinder for the blaze of gossip that woman would start. I can’t….”
“I understand,” Elspeth said. And she did.
“You are frank,” he said. “You are too frank for a servant. After your angry words I considered punishing you. But I bore some of the blame for sending you messages that I’m sure are confusing.”
He sighed. “But Mrs. Habersham is right about one thing. These children need a mother and it is time I started thinking of their needs and not my own. They need a woman to call “mother” before they outgrow their need for one. And so I have made a decision.”
Elspeth felt her heart leap in her chest. Finally he was going to make things right. She almost smiled, but didn’t. She did not want to fear too eager.
“I am going to court Prudence. As distasteful as Mrs. Habersham is, she is right about her niece. She is a charming young woman, very cultured, of sound mind, schooled in the domestic arts and comes from a good family.”
Elspeth felt herself go numb. She said nothing, but only blinked and nodded as she turned her gaze from his face to the snow falling outside.
“I tell you this, Elspeth because as I said, I have said things, done things that I am sure confuse you. You are a sweet girl, and have been good to my sons. You will have a place in my household as long as you need it. But as for anything changing between us…”
She turned to him and drew on every ounce of resolve to force a smile.
“Yes,” she said. “Thank you.”
He stood and nodded.
“Very well, then.”
He turned and when he was gone she stood too and walked back to her room, where she lay on the bed and sobbed into her pillow as if her very heart would break.
Chapter Ten
Elspeth cried all night. She could not sleep for the deep pain that kept her awake and coated her pillow with tears. When she did drift off it was to half-dreamt images of Clifford taking vows with the statuesque Prudence Alder as she watched from the back of the chapel.
She tried again and again to remind herself of her place, repeating to herself over and over that she was a servant – just a simple, poor, uneducated servant who had mistaken her master’s moment of weakness for something more than it was. But as the hours ticked past Elspeth came to the realization that all the logic in the world was not going to mend her broken heart.
As the snow covered the roof in its cold blanket she felt the cold weight of despair cover her heart.
She did not know what to do. She could not leave; she was bound to serve Clifford Harker until the cost of her transport had been settled. How long would that take? A year? Two? She thought about asking Harker if he would allow her to leave and work for another household. But such a move might raise suspicions; he would have to give a reason and the only acceptable reason to terminate a servant was for poor performance. And then there were Harry and Colin to consider. Even if their father was planning to court and remarry they would need a mother figure in the meantime.
They would need her.
The notion of giving up Harry and Colin to the practical and cultured Prudence Alder pained Elspeth nearly as much as giving up Clifford. She loved everything about the little boys, their mannerisms, their enthusiasm, the way their skin smelled when she kissed them goodnight, the feel of their arms around her neck.
She knew that to prepare them for their father’s taking another wife would mean pulling back from them emotionally to make room for their new mother. Would they understand? Perhaps Colin would instinctively understand. But the younger and more exuberantly affectionate Harry would surely be confused.
It would be her job to ease the transition to a new life with a new mother, and to discourage the resentment they may naturally feel towards Prudence. Could she do that? Would she herself feel resentment towards the woman she would be forced to watch take
possession of the very life she secretly wanted for herself?
Elspeth rolled over on her back and threw an arm across her face. The light of a cold and snowy dawn was breaking on the horizon and she’d not slept. Her throat felt sore, her nose stuffy, her eyes puffed and sore from all the tears she’d shed.
But she could not keep to her bed, especially not on a morning like this. She stood and walked over to the wash basin, where she splashed some cold water on her face. It made her feel a little better, but did nothing to ease the pain in her chest.
Down the hall they boys were still sleeping. The fire in their fireplace had burn down to the coals so, kneeling, she tossed in two fresh logs and coaxed a blaze from the coal to feed on them.
She did not go to Clifford’s room; he tended his own fire. But she did go downstairs and start a blaze in the living room and kitchen so the house would be warm by the time father and sons came down for breakfast. This morning it was ham, oatcakes and stewed apples.
Usually the warm, comforting smells of cooking cheered her up. The appreciative smiles and compliments of Clifford Harker and the boys always got her day off to a good start. But this morning when they came downstairs with their father to excitedly tuck into their honey and oatcakes she felt a pang of renewed pain.
“Enjoy what time you have,” she told herself and tried to put on a happy face. But it was an ineffective show judging by how Clifford Harker looked at her. When Elspeth saw him staring at her red-rimmed eyes she turned away. Half of her hoped he would express concern, half of her hoped he would not. The latter half won.
“May we go play in the snow after breakfast, papa?” Colin asked.
“Not today,” he said. “It’s still snowing quite hard. Perhaps when it is over. Today you should stick to your studies. I’d like you to come in my study after you’ve washed up from your morning meal so we can go over your writing.”
Elspeth turned and found herself speaking before she could stop herself. “Should I come too, sir? I’m well into my reading. You said I could learn more.”
But Clifford Harker visibly stiffened and answered without even looking at her.
“No,” he said curtly. “I’ve decided to discontinue your instruction. And to relieve you of responsibility for teaching the boys. That is…”
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