“Hey, baby! You guys having breakfast?”
“Yep! Grandma Anna made us pancakes. Sean and I are going to be bouncing off the walls,” she chirps, and I can’t help but laugh. I’ve always tried to limit their sugar intake, which tends to backfire on me when they’re allowed to have it.
“I guess we’ll just have to find a way to burn that extra energy off today.”
“Grandma Anna and Grandpa Sean want to take us to the park today and then to the toy store so we can show them what we want for Christmas. Can we go, Mommy? Please,” she begs, drawing out the word.
My heart sinks at the prospect of spending the day alone, but there’s no way I can tell her no.
“I guess that’s fine with me. What time will you be coming home?”
“Well, they said we could stay the night again.”
“Oh,” I reply, my shoulders falling. “Is that what you and Sean both want?”
Maddison asks Sean if he wants to stay the night again, her voice becoming muffled. Disappointment washes over me when he squeals and shouts, “Yes!”
“Yes, ma’am, that’s what we both want.”
“Well, all right, but I’m coming to get you guys early tomorrow morning. Mommy misses you both very much.”
“We miss you too, Mommy.” My heart clenches with an intense need to hug her and kiss her sweet face. “And we love you!”
“I love you both very much. Give your brother kisses for me and be good.”
“I will, Mommy! Bye.”
“Bye, baby.”
As I hang up the phone and place it back into my bag, a chill runs through me. Goose pimples form on my arms and my hair stands on end. I look around, eyeing my surroundings with caution. When I locate the source, I stop dead in my tracks as my breath catches and skin heats.
Brenden’s eyes are locked on me, a wide smile on his face as he makes his way over. On their own accord, my eyes roam over his body, his muscle-revealing tank top igniting a fire in my belly. I pull my gaze from Brenden, allowing myself to cool back down, and notice the woman walking by his side.
My body tenses and my head throbs as a mixture of jealousy and insecurity course through me. The woman is breathtaking, her bronze skin glowing and caramel hair silky. Just like most of the women who had been with him in his pictures on Facebook, she’s the polar opposite of me.
“Hello, beautiful,” Brenden says, coming to a stop in front of me.
“Hi,” I reply, my voice meek as I reach up to tuck hair that isn’t there behind my ear.
The woman at his side is even more beautiful up close. Her exotic greyish-green eyes hone in on Brenden, her eyebrows drawn and mouth a gape, while his remain trained on me. I shift on my feet, pulling my sweat-soaked shirt away from my body as uncomfortable nerves flutter in my belly.
I have no clue who this woman is to Brenden, or how I should handle this, but I can’t take the awkwardness of the situation any longer. “Uh, hi,” I say, forcing my lips to curve into a smile as I lift my hand to extend a short wave hello. “I’m Lizzy. Elizabeth, but everyone calls me Lizzy,” I stumble through my words as Brenden looks over to her, the color draining from his face as her gaze moves to me.
Please don’t saying anything. Please don’t say anything, I chant to myself, over and over, willing Ally to hear me. She raises a brow at me while I plead for her to let this go and just be cordial. With a slight eye roll, Ally spins, a broad smile on her face.
“Hi, Lizzy. I’m Allison. It’s nice to meet you,” she says, and relief courses through me.
I don’t doubt Ally will have plenty to say when we leave here, but I’m grateful she’s playing it cool for the moment. After Jon met Lizzy at the bar, he ran his mouth to Ally and I got the pleasure of being grilled and lectured about the dangers of getting mixed up with someone who isn’t emotionally available. I know she isn’t wrong, but fate doesn’t seem to care, given Lizzy has literally been placed in my path yet again.
An unsettling silence falls between the three of us, Ally looking at me with wide eyes and pressed lips while Lizzy continues to fidget with her clothes and chew on her lip. I suppose this would be the part where I should do the typical introduction stuff, but I have no clue how to describe Lizzy. We’re in this odd place I’m not use to—somewhere between strangers and friends.
“Well...” Allison says, breaking the silence, “if you guys will excuse me, I’m going to get to class to warm up. I’ll never be able to handle the ninety minutes of torture Brenden puts us through if I don’t.” She shoots Lizzy another smile and squeezes my arm before they exchange an awkward wave goodbye.
“I’ll be right there,” I call after her as she walks away.
Lizzy clears her throat and my eyes land back on her, the redness in her cheeks darkening. “So, you teach a class here?” she asks, shifting her weight from right to left as she tugs at her shirt.
“Yeah...a kickboxing class. It’s something I do on the weekends.”
“Well, don’t let me keep you,” she says, eyeing the door like it’s her salvation.
“You’re not,” I answer, taking a step closer. I have no intention of letting my time with her end so soon. It’s been killing me all week not knowing if or when I’d see her again. “They can wait.”
“Okay.” She wraps her arms around herself as if trying to hide behind them, and I can’t help but wonder if all her fidgeting is due to feeling self-conscious about her appearance. How anyone as incredible as her could ever doubt their beauty is beyond me. “So...Allison seems nice.”
“Yep. She’s great,” I chirp, one side of my mouth curving into a smile.
“She’s really beautiful. Is she Brazilian?”
“Don’t know.” I give her a quick shrug of my shoulders, enjoying her curiosity about Allison way too much and hoping it’s driven by jealousy. In her tipsy state, Lizzy confessed she was drawn to me, but also continued her pretense of disinterest in me.
“Oh...have you two been seeing each other long?” Her question comes out rushed, her voice low as she looks down at her feet.
“No,” I sneer, finding the question absurd. “Allison and I are just friends.”
“Oh.” She looks up , but her gaze moves past me to the exit again.
“Jon’s in love with her, actually,” I tell her, feeling the need to prove Allison and I have never, and will never, be together. “Has been since they were just kids. It’s how I met Ally. They were kind of a packaged deal. She’s like a sister to me now.”
“Oh,” she echoes, a little more lighthearted this time as her gaze meets mine. “I thought Jon said he was single the other night.”
“Yeah,” I scoff, shaking my head. “Those two are complicated. I’d love to tell you all about it when I have more time. Maybe over dinner sometime?” I ask, my heart skipping a beat.
Lizzy’s face pales, her eyes growing wider as she shakes her head. “What?” she stammers, jumping slightly at the loud clink of heavy weights as they hit metal. “Oh no, I can’t…” As her words trail off, she brings her hands together, rubbing the spot where her wedding band had been. I noticed it missing the other night and wondered what had changed to get her to take off her ring—a part of me wishing it had something to do with me. By her reaction now, I can’t help wondering if she wanted to take it off at all. “I’m sorry if…I was a little drunk the other night. I didn’t mean to give you the impression—”
“You’ve already agreed to have my babies, I just thought you might want to have dinner first,” I jest. I don’t want her to feel uncomfortable, but her rejection shoots a sharp pain through my chest.
Her entire body tenses, going so still, she appears to stop breathing altogether. Her shocked reaction is too humorous not to laugh. She must have had more to drink than I realized if she believes that’s something she might have said. Her response also confirms her attraction to me.
Shaking my head, I calm my laughter, and Lizzy’s eyes flutter wildly as her shoulders heave up and down. “Oh, Brenden,”
she sighs, gripping her forehead, “you’re a funny, funny man.” Lifting her head again, she crosses her arms, her cheeks still flushed.
“Sorry,” I smirk, “your reaction was pretty priceless, though.”
“Yeah, yeah. Ha-ha,” she taunts, her tone flat even though her lips twitch into a smile. “Here’s the thing, funny man, I would really like for us to be friends, but only friends. I’m not interested in…” Her voice trails off as her eyes travel over me. My body heats as if it were her hands roaming instead of her eyes. Clearing her throat, she shakes her head. “Well, I’m not ready for anything more anyway, and I’m pretty sure I never will be. There isn’t any point. I’ve already found and lost the love of my life.”
I nod in understanding and smile as she pauses, even though hearing her call Xander the love of her life makes my heart sink and stomach drop. She pulls on the collar of her shirt and takes a deep breath before beginning again.
“What I could use is a good friend—someone I can laugh and have fun with. You seem to be highly qualified for that job. So, what do you say? Friends?”
If I’m being honest, I’m not sure I can handle only being Lizzy’s friend. Jon was right when he said he and Allison are my only friends. I don’t do the friendship thing very well and I’m worried it will be exceptionally hard with someone I’m so attracted to—someone who makes me feel electric in the way Lizzy does. But then, I don’t know much about relationships either. Maybe a friendship isn’t a bad place to start. Besides, I’d probably agree to anything as long as it meant I got to spend more time with her.
Scratching my temple, I twist my mouth, as if seriously considering her proposal. “Does this job come with benefits?”
“No,” she scoffs. “There’s no benefit package.”
“You sure? I’m thinking that might be a deal breaker for me.”
“Such a funny man.” Crossing her arms, she shakes her head in amusement. “You should have your own comedy act.”
“Okay...okay.” I hold my hands up in surrender. “You can’t blame a guy for trying, right? Anyway, I thought we were already friends. Facebook made it official.”
“I had something a little more interactive in mind. You know, with actual face to face conversations,” she says, gesturing between us.
“You had me at more interactive,” I tease, winking. She presses her lips into a hard line and raises an eyebrow. I don’t want to push my luck with her, but she makes it so much fun. “Okay, only friends and face to face conversations. I’m in. Where do I sign, beautiful?”
“Nope, you can’t call me that,” she says, wagging her finger.
“Can’t call you what?” I ask, feigning ignorance.
A pink blush colors her cheeks as she narrows her eyes. “You can’t call me beautiful—or honey, sweetie, darling…”
“Sugar lips?” I quip. The truth is, calling her beautiful isn’t a conscious thing. It’s more like my thoughts seeping out of my mouth.
“No!” she answers, her voice raised. The people passing by pause to gawk at us and she scowls at them before continuing. “Calling me any of those pet names or using terms of endearment is against the rules.”
“Rules?” I mock. “You’re putting rules on our friendship?”
“Yep,” she replies, her features smooth and unwavering.
“All right,” I say, scratching my head. If I were having this conversation—no, I wouldn’t be having this conversation with any other woman. I wouldn’t even consider a friendship with any other woman, let alone one with rules, but this is Lizzy. She’s been different since the second I laid eyes on her. “Any other rules I should be aware of?”
“Yes,” she replies, standing straighter. “To be sure all lines are clearly drawn, any outings we go on will be Dutch. These will not be dates, so no opening doors for me or pulling out my chair.”
I can’t help but laugh at her request. “So, no sweet pet names or compliments, and I’m not allowed to act like a gentleman, is that it?” Taking a deep inhale, she nods her head as she bites her bottom lip. “Okay, Lizzy, you’ve got yourself a friend.”
Days Like These
“There’s a trick to it,” Xander says, flicking the oatmeal packet to ensure all the contents are in his bowl.
“A trick to it?” I reply, placing my hand on my hip and pressing my lips into a hard line. “It’s instant oatmeal, I’m pretty sure I’m capable of adding some water to oats.”
Shaking his head, he reaches to turn off the burner and removes the screaming kettle. “You have to add just the right amount or it doesn’t taste right—add too much and it gets soggy, add too little and it gets dry.” He tilts the kettle, pouring a little bit of water into his bowl before using his other hand to stir it. “The key is to pour, stir, pour until it’s just right.”
“Whatever you say, Goldilocks,” I mock, rolling my eyes as I walk out of the kitchen.
“Mommy?” Maddison says, tapping my arm, “Are you okay? Your hands are shaking.”
“Yeah, baby,” I reply, forcing my lips to curve upward. “Here’s your oatmeal.” Picking up their bowls, my hands unsteady from the suffocating pain in my chest, I walk them over and place them on the kitchen table. “You and Sean eat up. Mommy’s just going to finish getting ready.”
Once the kids are both eating their breakfast, I sprint to my bedroom, closing the door behind me before I let out a sob, tears streaming down my face as I reach out to use my dresser for support, my weak knees unable to hold me up on their own. I struggle to keep my panting sobs silent as the pain continues to rip through me, my body bent at the waist.
My therapist warned me there would be days like this—that my bad days weren’t behind me yet—but I’d been so sure she was wrong; that she didn’t understand how far I’d come or how much better I’d been feeling. I’d been so cocky going into our meeting last week, rambling on about all the progress I’d made and all the things I’d accomplished, but instead of getting the praise I’d been expecting, she merely looked at me with thoughtful concern.
“I just want you to understand this is a process. It isn’t something that just goes away overnight. You’ll have good days—it sounds like you’ve had quite a few of those already—but there will still be bad days. I tell you this not to discourage you, but because it is important you understand it’s normal. I need you to know when that bad day comes, it doesn’t mean you haven’t progressed in your healing. I don’t want you to lose hope or let that bad day derail you. You can and will make it through to the other side.
“We all expect wounds on our body to leave behind scars as a reminder, but wounds to our hearts and souls are no different. They may heal, but they never completely go away. There will always be things to remind you of the pain and loss you felt. You may never fully heal again, but I need you to understand it’s okay. You’ll never be the person you were or have the life you had before you lost Xander, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be happy and whole again.”
A simple breakfast request from Maddison ended up being the catalyst to my downward spiral this morning. Oatmeal was always Xander’s go-to breakfast, a fact that made me smile as I shared it with Maddison. I felt so proud of myself for being able to talk to her about it without getting emotional, but when the smell of the cinnamon and brown sugar hit me, it triggered an emotional response. I suddenly felt so close to Xander, which only made the heartache of knowing he was lost to me forever more agonizing.
It’s funny how missing someone can help you appreciate even their most annoying habits. It drove me mad watching him pour the water into his oatmeal a little bit at a time, but I would now give anything to see him do that one more time. I never thought memories of things like this would bring me so much comfort, or that I would feel so much pain from the loss of them.
It’s always the little things about him I find myself missing the most.
Taking deep breaths, I replay Dr. Gentry’s words in my mind again, reminding myself that what I’m feeling i
s normal—that tomorrow will be better, that I’m still going to be okay, and that I must keep moving forward. Trying to hold on to Xander and the life we had won’t change what happened. It won’t bring him back to me.
The ice clinks against the glass as the amber liquor glides down my throat, numbing me and muting my mind. My work day felt exceptionally long and the stresses of it are weighing heavily on me.
My decision to become a youth counselor hadn’t been easy. I know all too well the kind of things that can plague young children. The kind of darkness those things can cause still dwells inside me. The small, poor urban town where I grew up aided in my decision. That town yielded more troubled kids from bad homes than it did normal ones from good homes.
The few families who didn’t allow their status in life to dictate the kind of people they would become are the only ones who escaped unscathed. The men and women of Andrews help run the great city of Nashville. They just don’t get paid enough to actually live there, forcing them to live in the poorer communities outside the city limits.
The stress on a low-income family can be overwhelming and defeating. Sadly, it tends to be the children who end up suffering the most.
Children in all types of environments and situations can need counseling, but I always thought I would work in a town like Andrews. Even after I moved to Murphy for college, that was my plan, but life doesn’t always go according to plan. My plans for the future and my outlook on life changed drastically after one night. I never thought I would end up happy and settled in a small town like Smyth.
I suppose working as a counselor isn’t all that different than other lines of work. I have good and bad days just like everyone else. On the good days, I get to see the positive impact I’m having on the kids I help. Like when Thomas came in my office the other day to thank me for helping him after he made honor roll. That day, I felt accomplished and worthwhile. Those bad days though, they can make me question myself and my career choice entirely. Today was one of those days.
In This Moment (In This Moment #1) Page 9