“Yes. I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have blown up at you,” she croaks, her voice strained as she shakes her head and runs her hand through her hair. “You’ve been wonderful to me and I’ve been—”
“A wonderful pain in the butt,” I tease, cutting her off, “and I wouldn’t change a thing about you.”
Her eyebrows lift and her eyes brighten as a smile spreads across her face. “You don’t hate me?”
I don’t see how she could possibly think I could ever hate her. The only person I’ve hated this week is myself.
“Not even close,” I reply, giving in to my temptation to touch her and pulling her into my arms. My entire body relaxes as I inhale her floral scent, releasing all the tightness and heaviness I’ve been carrying around from missing her. I’ve never related to people talking about how certain smells could comfort them and remind them of home—I’d never had anything like that before—but this scent and having her in my arms brings me comfort. She feels like home.
She doesn’t fight me on it at all. In fact, she snuggles into me, wrapping her arms around me as she lets out a contented sigh of relief.
“I’m really sorry too, Lizzy. I didn’t mean to say anything to upset you. You were right. I have my own demons I need to work out.”
“I shouldn’t have said that,” she says, leaning back before tilting her head up to meet my eyes.
The sincerity of her words are reflected in her eyes, but there’s something else there, something new…something more than before.
“Hush,” I say as I pull her back into a tight grip. “It’s all right. Besides, it’s my turn to apologize. You’ve already had your turn.” She laughs and it vibrates through me, warming me to my core as she squeezes me a little tighter. “Here’s the thing, I don’t connect with people easily—ever, really. I get that has been my choice, but I don’t know exactly what I’m doing or how all this works. What I do know is I care about you and our friendship a lot. I’m trying to do and say the right things, but this is all new territory for me. I’m kind of learning as I go.”
Her head bobs against my chest and she gives me another tight squeeze before leaning back to meet my gaze again. “This is all new for me too, and I’m really learning how to navigate through life in general right now, but you and our friendship is the first thing that has felt good and normal in a very long time. I don’t want to lose that. I’ll promise to be understanding and forgiving with you as long as you promise to do the same for me.”
I want to tell her I’ll do and agree to anything at this point, that I’ve decided I can no longer live without her in my life, at least not happily, but I know that would go over like a ton of bricks.
She isn’t ready to hear how I feel yet, and if I’m being honest, I don’t know that I’m ready to tell her. For now, I’ll continue this dance because I’d rather be doing this with her than anything with someone who isn’t her.
She’s officially spoiled me for all other women. I’m like a dog that’s had his first taste of table scraps, and I’m not afraid to beg for more. Now that I’ve had a taste of something better, something more, I could never settle for anything less again.
“You missed me, then?” I ask with a wag of my eyebrows.
She scoffs and lightly pushes on my chest, pulling out of my hold. Shaking her head, she purses her lips as she shrugs. “Perhaps a little,” she moans, scrunching her face, “but don’t let that go to your head.”
“Just a little, huh?” I mock, scratching my chin. “Well, I’m not afraid to admit I missed you a shit load.”
“Yeah?” she says, blinking as a blush appears on her cheeks. “Was it my bitchiness or smarminess you missed the most?”
“Actually...” I say, locking my eyes with hers. I reach out to tuck her hair behind her ear, then run my knuckles across her cheek, “…it was your beautiful smile.”
Daily
“Hi, Brenden,” I answer without having to look at the caller ID as I snuggle farther into my bed. I can time his nightly calls down to the second these days, which started again the night I showed up at the gym to apologize. “How was your day?”
“Long,” he answers, sighing into the phone. “How about yours?”
“Mine was okay. Want to talk about it?” I ask, already knowing the answer. Brenden never talks to me about his work and I’ve given up trying to pry the information out of him. He doesn’t seem to like to talk about that or his past, and I don’t push it. I know what it’s like having something you don’t want to talk about.
“Nope. What are we watching tonight?”
“There isn’t much to choose from. I have an old episode of Sex in the City on.”
“Ah, man,” he groans. “I don’t want to watch a chick show.”
I can’t help snickering at the absurdness of his statement. I’m not sure how this all got started; the two of us sitting on the phone together watching television every night, but shortly after the calls started again, they transitioned from random chitchat to watching television together. It’s ridiculous. It might have been the night I mentioned I like to leave the television on while I sleep because it made me feel less alone and afraid.
“Really? Chick show? There is nothing saying you have to watch what I am watching.”
“What fun would it be if I’m watching something different? What would we talk about?”
Laughing again, I roll my eyes at him even though he can’t see me.
“I don’t know. We could have a regular conversation like normal people.”
“Nah, normal is boring. Why would we want to be like that?”
“Good point, but I’m not changing the channel. This is a good episode. Miranda finally tells Steve she loves him.”
“You realize I don’t know what any of that means, right?”
“Well, Miranda and Steve have had a lot of relationship issues. Mostly because Miranda has been unwilling or able to fully accept Steve’s love—to trust in it and him. So, it was a big deal when she finally pulled her head out of her ass long enough to realize she loves him, and an even bigger deal that she allowed herself to be vulnerable long enough to actually tell him she loved him.”
“That does sound interesting. Tell me more and what channel, please.”
“It’s on TBS. Are you being a smartass?”
“No. Which one is Miranda? If I’m going to be watching this with you, I need to know more.”
“She’s the redhead. Are you really going to watch this with me?”
“Well, it’s not like I have much of a choice here. If it’s what you want to watch, I’m watching it.” His words send a warmth through my veins and butterflies set flight in my stomach. “Now, tell me more about this Miranda and Steve situation. Do you think there is anything he could have done to speed this process along?”
“I don’t know,” I answer, chuckling, “but I think she just needed the time to come to the realization on her own. It isn’t anything Steve did or didn’t do. I think Miranda was afraid of what loving someone would mean. She doesn’t do vulnerable and doesn’t like feeling dependent on someone else, but that’s all part of being in love.”
“Huh…” he says, and I wonder if that’s what’s kept him from falling in love all these years, or if he sees the correlation.
“You’re a total Miranda,” I tell him, laughing.
“Excuse me? I don’t think so. I assure you, I’m not a woman. If you’d like to see proof—”
“No,” I say, cutting him off as my body heats. “I’m not saying that. Everyone can relate to at least one of the main characters. Cat is a Carrie, searching for that one Big love. Lori is a Samantha, believing she prefers her freedom and a casual sex life to real relationships—”
“Okay, wow, I didn’t need to know that about her.”
I scoff, “And now, you’re my Miranda.”
“Whatever,” he sighs, “and who does that make you?”
“Charlotte, or so I’m told.”
“All ri
ght, what’s her deal?”
Sighing, I answer, “She’s uptight, overthinks, and over plans everything in her life. She wants it all to go perfectly, which ultimately ensures it never does. Her life ends up being nothing like she planned.”
Brenden’s fantastic laugh fills the line, and although I know it’s at my expense, it makes me smile. “Okay, yeah, you’re totally a Charlotte.”
“Bite me, Miranda,” I retort, and we laugh together, my heart feeling light and full at the same time.
Once the credits are rolling, the only sound over the line is Brenden’s heavy breathing. He almost always falls asleep before we get off the phone, but he never lets me go.
“Brenden?”
“Hmmm…” he hums on a deep inhale. It sounds incredibly sexy and my body aches as I picture him in his bed with messy hair, wearing nothing but a pair of boxers.
I clear my throat and shake my head, trying to rid myself of the image. “We should go to sleep.”
“Yeah, okay.” He yawns.
“Goodnight, Brenden.”
“Sweet dreams, Lizzy,” he replies, his voice smooth before he disconnects the line.
“Oh my gosh, I’m starving! I’m so glad you showed up. I don’t think my frozen dinner would have cut it today,” Lizzy says, closing her menu and placing it on the table. “How did you manage to swing this anyway? Are you off today or something? I didn’t think librarians or super heroes took days off.”
Picking up her water, she smirks at me, anticipating my witty comeback. But she looks so adorably sexy, I can’t seem to think of anything other than how badly I want to kiss her again.
“Brenden?” she says, clearing her throat. I shake my head, blinking several times as I pry my eyes away from her lips.
“What?” I reply, taking in her confused expression. “Oh, right. No, not off today. Just had something I had to do over here and decided I’d see if you wanted to have lunch.” She doesn’t say anything, just continues looking at me like I’ve sprouted a second head.
I told myself I showed up unexpectedly at her office just wanting to have lunch with my friend, but even I wasn’t buying that bullshit. This was a blatant excuse to see Lizzy; to spend more time with her. Even though things have been good between us recently, a part of me worried this was another poor choice on my part, that my desire for more would only spook her. So, when she walked out to greet me in the lobby of her office building, her face lighting up with joy as her eyes landed on me, I nearly came unglued, my thoughts and feelings threatening to spew out of me like vomit.
“So, what are you going to order? I was thinking the rock star burger looks pretty good.”
We walked from her office up the road to a chain restaurant she said was one of her favorite places in the world. It is small, poorly lit, and doesn’t seem all that clean, but I couldn’t care less because I love being somewhere that makes her happy.
“I’m going with the Tennessee cheesesteak with chicken.”
“With chicken? You can’t have a cheesesteak with chicken. It’s a freaking cheesesteak,” I protest, shaking my head as I chuckle.
Playfully kicking me under the table, she sticks her tongue out at me, and my pulse quickens as my gaze settles on her mouth again.
“Don’t make fun of me! I didn’t name the damn thing.”
“Do you have an issue with red meat or something?”
“No, but I do have a problem with you commenting on what I eat.” She leans back in the booth, crossing her arms as if she’s angry with me, but her eyes are still lit with amusement.
“Okay, fine,” I relent, holding my hands up in surrender. “You’re right. The fact that you clearly have poor judgment is none of my concern.”
“Ha!” she scoffs. “Yes, clearly I have poor judgement. I am here with you, after all.”
I chuckle, rubbing my chin. “Touché. Do you think you can hold on to that poor judgement a little bit longer?”
She narrows her eyes at me. “And why should I do that?”
“Because I want you to agree to hanging out with me this weekend.”
As soon as she told me she’d be free this weekend, I began thinking of a way to spend some time alone with her. I’ve come up with the perfect plan, but I’m not entirely sure she’ll agree to it.
I’ve never felt like this for anyone and I want to move forward with our relationship, but I’m not so certain that’s something she wants. There’s no doubt she feels this connection between us, and I know she cares for me, but I don’t fit into her plans and there’s no question she still loves Xander.
Late at night, when we’re on the phone and she’s close to falling asleep, she talks about him. Xander typically being an off-limits topic, it’s the only time she speaks openly about him. There’s always a softness in her tone when he comes up. Although I can’t see her face, I picture her with an easy smile and a brightness in her eyes. She never tells me much, just little things about something he once said or did, but it’s enough to prove her heart is still with him.
Perhaps I should see that as a flashing neon sign telling me to turn back now, instead of feeling an overwhelming desire to hear her speak that way about me one day.
Totally Casual
“So, let me get this straight. You are going over to his house to watch movies?” Julianna asks as she eyes me over her cup of coffee.
“Yes,” I sigh, rolling my eyes. “It’s not a big deal. He’s never seen Valley Girl or Urban Cowboy—or any of my favorites, really, so we are going to have an eighties movie night. There will be pizza and beer. Totally casual.”
“Uh huh...nothing wrong with a little casual sex between two friends,” Julianna chuckles and I throw a piece of my toast at her.
“It’s not like that,” I protest, shaking my head as my face heats.
“But that doesn’t mean you haven’t thought about it.”
Looking away, I bite my lip and shrug my shoulders. I should probably try to deny that, but I know it won’t do any good. Even if I were a good liar, the red blush on my cheeks would be a dead giveaway.
“No denial? That’s an improvement.”
“There’s no point in denying the fact that he is good looking, Julianna. That doesn’t mean I want more than his friendship.”
Even as I say it, I’m not positive it’s true anymore, and my ever-present sex dreams about Brenden only confuse things even further. When he gets close, my body tries to overpower my mind, reacting to him with an unashamed need, and although Brenden has been on his best behavior, I’m still a little leery of being alone with him in his home. I fear the lines of our friendship are beginning to blur to the point of no return…not that they were all that well defined in the first place.
“What?” I ask as Julianna laughs to herself.
“Speaking of great eighties movies, you do realize the two of you have the whole When Harry Met Sally thing going on, right?” She smirks as my stomach drops. It isn’t that I’ve never thought of that. I considered it in the beginning of this friendship journey with Brenden. Billy Crystal’s voice taunted me as I thought about him telling Meg Ryan’s character how a man and woman could never really be friends because the sex part always gets in the way. I think even then a part of me knew that was true, but now, it’s pretty undeniable. Acknowledging that, though, would mean I either have to face walking away and losing Brenden—the very thought making my chest tighten—or accept that our relationship is something more than friendship, that my feelings for him are more, and I’m not ready for that either.
The blood drains from my face and sweat beads on my forehead as I fail to think of a response. “Anyway,” she says, clearing her throat, “I found a place to live.” She is clearly changing the subject to let me off the hook, for which I’m very grateful. “I will be going back to pack up my things soon.”
I swear the woman is a force to be reckoned with. I can’t believe how quickly she has picked herself up and dusted herself off. In such a short period, she
has changed her entire life and is excelling better than people who’ve had years to get their shit together. Take me, for example. It’s been nearly three years since I lost him and I’m still trying to pick up the pieces, but Julianna is a pillar of strength. She can take a hit and keep on moving. I must admit, however, even though I admire her, I also worry about her and wonder if she’s merely hiding her broken pieces.
“Are you sure? You don’t have to rush.”
“I know, but I just...I need to get my life back on track. I feel like I’m starting over as it is, and I need some semblance of normalcy back in my life.”
“I can understand that, but I’m coming with you when you go back to pack up your things.”
“Really?” she asks, perking up. “Thank God! I don’t want to go by myself, but I didn’t want to ask you, and I was afraid if I took Lori she would try to set fire to everything Christopher owns.”
“Yeah, probably not a good idea to take her,” I scoff.
“Hey there.” I smile as I open the door, my heart already beating out of my damn chest. I watched Lizzy pace on the porch longer than I liked, contemplating whether she should come inside. Although I had no intention of letting her walk away, I wanted her to choose to stay on her own—to want to be here with me even if she is a little afraid. “Are you ready to educate me on awesome eighties cinematic classics?”
She returns my smile with a nervous one, her features tight and shoulders rigid as she steps inside without responding to my question. I can’t say I wasn’t expecting her to be nervous, but I’d hoped things would go better than this.
“Here, let me get your coat.” When I reach up to pull her coat from her shoulders, my fingers graze her exposed neck and her body shivers in response, sending a shockwave through mine as well. “All right,” I croak, clearing my throat as I hang up her coat, “you grab the pizza and I’ll get the beer, then we can head upstairs.”
In This Moment (In This Moment #1) Page 17