When I asked him to stay here with me last night, I was nervous it would be weird for both of us, but everything felt oddly right. I avoided asking him before because this is the home I shared with Xander, where we built our life and raised our daughter together. Last night, though, after we ate dinner and watched a movie, I didn’t want him to go. My sleep is so much more peaceful with him, and I already hate having to sleep without him through the week.
“Good morning.” A warmth spreads through me as I lock my fingers with his, realizing Saturday is once again becoming my favorite day of the week.
“Fuck, I love this,” Brenden says, kissing the tattoo on my shoulder, his hardness pressing into my backside.
“Brenden,” I groan, rolling over on my back to face him, my lower abdomen already beginning to clench with need. “You know the rules, no getting frisky before I’ve had my coffee.”
“Lord, woman, you and your damn rules,” he teases, brushing his fingers across my cheek before dipping his head down to kiss my neck and nibble at my ear. An involuntary moan escapes my lips as I release a deep breath. He knows exactly how to get me worked up—coffee or not. “You make me crazy, you know that?” he asks, his breath hitting the spot right below my ear and sending chills through me.
“Yeah, I know, but you love me anyway.”
“Hell yes I do,” he replies as he lifts his head. When his intense gray eyes meet mine, my heart stutters. I never thought it would be possible to love someone or to be loved by someone again after I lost Xander, and now that I have that with Brenden, it is both wonderful and terrifying. “So, what’s on your agenda today?”
“I told the kids we would go to Jumpstreet and then to Culver’s to get some lunch this afternoon after I pick them up from my parents’ house. Would you like to come with us?”
“Really?” he questions, his eyes wide as a smile spreads across his face. There’s so much excitement in his features, he looks almost child-like. It’s completely adorable. “You want me to come with you guys? Are you sure?”
Even though Brenden already met and has been around the kids a couple times, he hasn’t pushed the issue. The kids adore him, but I think he worries that it will appear as if he is trying to take Xander’s place. I don’t feel that way at all, though. I love Brenden. I want him to be a part of my life—and that includes my kids.
“Of course I’m sure. The kids will be thrilled you’re coming along,” I reassure him, smiling as I reach up to stroke my fingers through his hair.
“Just the kids?” he asks, quirking up an eyebrow at me.
“Yep, just the kids,” I chirp, nodding as I try to force my lips into a frown. “I’ll personally be miserable having you with me all day, but I guess I can make that sacrifice for my children.”
“Miserable, huh?” Laughing, he positions himself on top of me and between my legs. “Well, perhaps I should just go then,” he says before leaning down to kiss my neck again and trailing to my bare chest. As my body shifts below him to bring us closer together, he begins to pull away, a cocky smirk on his handsome face.
“Okay, fine,” I relent as I grip on to him, bringing him close again. “You got me. I want you to come with us today. I actually enjoy your company very much, because I love you very much.”
“Damn,” he growls, “I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of hearing you say that. Say it again.”
Smiling, I lock my eyes on his and cup my hands around his face. “I love you, Brenden.”
“Come, boy, come sit down. Sit down and rest,” I say, reading The Giving Tree to Sean.
My heart swelled with joy when he asked me to read him a story before his mother tucked him in for the night. Getting to spend the day with Lizzy and her kids already made this one of the best days of my life, and this moment only made it that much sweeter.
“And the boy did, and the tree was happy.” Smiling, I close the book and look over at Sean, who’s trying to keep his drooping eyes open.
“All right, little man, I’m going to let your mom tuck you in now. Thank you for letting me hang out with you today.”
“You’re welcome,” he says, yawning.
“Goodnight, dude,” I chuckle. As I begin to get up from the end of his bed, Sean lifts upright and wraps his arms around me, giving me a tight squeeze.
My heart slams into my ribcage as I hug him back, wondering how anyone could take the love of a child for granted.
“Goodnight,” he says, releasing me and laying back down on his pillow.
When I get up from his bed and turn to leave his room, Lizzy is standing in the doorway, tears filling her eyes though she has a bright smile on her face, her hand placed over her heart.
“Thank you,” she says as I reach her. Lifting on her toes, she gives me a quick kiss on the cheek.
After taking another deep breath and clearing her throat, she walks over to Sean, taking the spot on the bed I just vacated, but I can’t bring myself to leave.
I love her a little more each time I see her interacting with her kids. She is such a loving mother, the kind I only dreamed about having growing up. She may feel like she failed them when Xander died, but I know she did the best she could under the circumstances.
“Okay, time for bed, my sweet prince,” she says as I step out of sight right outside his door so I can listen.
“Mommy, I like Bweden.”
“I’m glad, baby. Mommy likes him too. You’ve had a big day, though. We need to get you settled in bed so you can get plenty of sleep.”
“Okay, Mommy. Will you sing to me?”
“Of course, baby,” her hushed voice answers before she gives him a kiss.
I’m literally bouncing with anticipation as I hold my breath and listen, not wanting to miss a single second of Lizzy singing.
“More than all the stars, deeper than the sea, my mommy loves me, my mommy loves me.”
As she continues her soft melody, I feel a warmth and tightness in my chest, my love for her growing yet again.
That’s how I’d describe my love for Lizzy—more than. I love her more than I’ve ever loved anyone, more than I ever thought possible, and with each new day, I find that I love her more than I did the day before.
Ignorant Bliss
“How was your day, Maddison?” Brenden asks, placing a bag of popcorn in the microwave.
She and Sean were thrilled when Brenden showed up at the door with popcorn, candy, and several Disney Movies he purchased for them. I love that he wanted to come over to have a movie night with the kids, and that he tries so hard to win them over. Not that he needs to put out much effort. They’ve adored him since day one.
“It was great!” Maddison chirps as she continues to color with Sean at the kitchen table. “Momma said she’s planning a family vacation.”
“Oh yeah?” My stomach knots as Brenden turns to look at me. Leaning back on the counter, he crosses his arms, his expression unreadable. “That does sound awesome,” he tells her, his eyes remaining on me as his eyebrows draw together.
I haven’t mention the vacation to him yet because I wasn’t sure how to tell him he’s not invited. This will be our first vacation since we lost Xander, and Sean’s first vacation ever. It’s a big moment for us as a family and I think having Brenden there for that might be a little overwhelming—like I’d be giving them hope for a future that is uncertain. Brenden’s been in my life for seven months now, but we’ve only been dating for about two, and in the grand scheme of things, that’s a very short period of time. It’s too soon to be planning for the future, and a family vacation feels very long-term.
“So, what’s the plan?” His tone is still upbeat even though his features reflect his concern and suspicion.
“I’m not sure yet,” I answer, my voice sounding small as I shrug. “Maybe a trip to Gatlinburg.”
“The beach would be so much more fun,” he retorts, his lips curling as he turns to the kids. “What do you guys say? Who wants to go to the beach?”
&nb
sp; “I do!” Maddison squeals, dropping her crayon and clamping her hands together, her eyes bright with excitement. Sean, who doesn’t know or care what we’re talking about, continues to color, repeating the word beach over and over again to a melody.
My body heats and chest burns as anger courses through me. This is the first time he’s stepped out of bounds with my kids, but he’s doing it in a big way. Not only is he inserting himself into plans that don’t include him, he’s offering them something I may not be able to deliver. I don’t think I can handle such a big vacation on my own.
“I’d really rather just stay in Tennessee,” I tell him, cutting my eyes over to him as I cross my arms.
“Oh, come on. That’s no fun. We need to leave the state. It doesn’t count as a vacation unless you cross at least one state line.”
My eyes widen and my heart stutters from his use of “we”. He doesn’t realize my plans are not our plans and explaining that is going to suck.
“Please, Momma!” Maddison whines. “We’ve never been to the beach before.”
“I don’t know, Maddie,” I sigh, doing my best to school my features and keep the panic out of my voice. “That’s a very long drive, and you know how much I would worry about you guys in the water.”
“We can take turns driving, and if we both get in the water with them, they’ll be fine,” Brenden counters, becoming even more liberal with the “we” word, making promises to my kids—to me—he shouldn’t be making.
“Yay! Does that mean you’ll be coming with us?” Maddison questions, jumping up from her chair.
“Of course, sweet girl. I wouldn’t miss it for the world,” he answers, smiling brightly at her. A lump grows in my throat as she runs over to hug him.
“Did you hear that, Momma?” she squeals, turning to me as she releases him. “Brenden said he’s going to come with us!”
“I sure did, baby,” I croak, my voice wavering. “Why don’t you take your brother and go pick out which movie you’d like to watch first?”
“Okay,” she chirps, bouncing back over to Sean. “Come on, let’s go pick out a movie.”
“Movie!” he exclaims as she helps him down from his chair.
My pulse races as I watch them leave the kitchen, feeling Brenden’s eyes trained on me and dreading the conversation we’re about to have.
“All right,” he says over the sound of microwave beeping once they’re gone. “What’s wrong?”
“I just wish you wouldn’t do that...” I answer with a wave of my hands before clutching my necklace.
His eyes narrow as he watches me fidget for a moment before he replies, “Do what?”
“Make promises!” I bite down on the inside of my cheek, hating the shrillness in my tone.
“What are you talking about, Lizzy?” The microwave beeps again, reminding us the popcorn is ready as he shakes his head. “I didn’t make any promises,” he huffs, opening it to pull the bag out.
“Yes, you did.” I nod as his gaze focuses on me again. “You just told Maddie you’d come with us on our vacation. When you tell a child something like that, it may as well be a promise. Especially with her.”
“Okay, but I am going to go with you,” he replies, his shoulders lifting as he tilts his head. “Unless…do you not want me to come with you? Is that why you didn’t tell me about your plans?”
The hurt in his voice causes my chest to tighten with guilt. This isn’t about not wanting him there, it’s about what it would mean making him part of it.
“It’s not like that...it’s just—”
“Baby, your freak out is starting to freak me out,” he huffs, cutting me off as he begins walking toward me. “I mean, you love me, right? You’re in this with me for real—you still want to be with me, right?”
“Yes of course, but—” I’m cut off again by his harsh exhale as he sighs in relief.
“But what, beautiful?” he asks, placing his hands on my shoulders as he searches my eyes. “What are you worried about now?”
“I don’t know,” I squeak out, wrapping my arms around him and burying my head in his chest as emotion overwhelms me.
Kissing the top of my head, he begins stroking my hair and my body starts to relax. “Is this about Xander?” Keeping my head pressed to his chest, I shake it in protest. “No, I just mean, are you afraid of losing me too?”
My heart sinks and I tighten my hold on him, realizing he’s right. The panic I feel and my reluctance to make future plans with him is all because of my fear. It’s been nearly three years now since I lost Xander, but the pain it caused me is still present in my day to day life.
I’ve opened my heart to Brenden, something I thought I’d never be able to do again, and I’m terrified of what it would do to me if it’s broken again. Even trying to process such a possibility causes a painful ache in my chest. Tears stream down my face as I begin to sob.
“Hey,” he says, pulling me away from his chest so he can see my face as he tries to wipe away my tears. “Don’t cry, baby. I’m here with you right now, and everything is going to be okay.” Nodding, I take deep breaths, trying to calm myself, not wanting the kids to see me upset.
“You can’t live your life in fear of what tomorrow will bring. Shit happens in life, and you can’t stop the bad things by not living your life. You have to embrace all that life brings—the good with the bad. It’s all intertwined. Those things weave us through all the twists and turns that come during our journey. In the end, it doesn’t matter what we do, we can’t change our final destination. We just have to live our lives and enjoy every moment of it.”
My lips curve up as I once again feel complete admiration for his outlook on life. It’s refreshing and infectious—and just one of the many things I love so much about him. Leaning up on the balls of my feet, I place a gentle kiss on his lips, then rest my forehead on his. “I love you, Brenden.”
A bright smile lights his face as I lift my head. “Those are my favorite words in the whole wide world,” he responds, his arms closing in around me like a boa constrictor. “So, the beach? When are we going, because I really like the idea of you having on very little clothing for the entire vacation.”
Laughing, I playfully smack him on the ass. He makes a valid point, though. The thought of him running around in a pair of swim trunks all wet as his tan skin glistens in the sun makes the beach sound a lot more appealing than it did a moment ago.
“All right, you win. Let’s go to the beach.”
“Have a shot with me,” I say, placing a bottle of tequila on the kitchen counter in front of Jon.
He’s barely been speaking to me lately. He’s been cold and distant since I went off on him when he tried to talk to me about Lizzy after his party. I’ve apologized and tried to explain I was hurting at the time—neither of which were easy for me to do—but it didn’t help.
I haven’t exactly been an exemplary friend over all these years, but he’s never stayed upset with me for this long. I hate the way things have been between us and know I should do something to make it right. So, I bought a bottle of tequila and some beer, and I am determined to get him to talk this shit out with me.
Jon looks back and forth between the bottle of Patron and me for a second before shrugging his shoulders in indifference.
“All right,” he sighs, turning to grab some shot glasses.
I flip the caps off two beer bottles and set one in front of him while he pours our shots. Remaining silent, we take our first shot followed by a sip of beer, then repeat the process a second time.
“Are we ever going to talk about this?” I ask after I finish chasing the shot with my beer, the burning in my chest distracting me from how uncomfortable this feels. Things have never been this off with Jon before. I’ve said and done a lot worse, so there must be something more going on with him.
“Nope,” he answers with a quick shake of his head as he pours another round of tequila. “Nothing to talk about.”
He takes shot nu
mber three and is already pouring number four before I can respond.
“Come on, man. What’s really going on? We should be able to move past this. You’ve got to talk to me eventually.”
“Since when do you care so much?” he scoffs. “It’s not like you’ve been around lately anyway.”
Laughing, I prop myself on the counter and cross my arms as I shake my head. “Is that what this is about? Do you miss me, Jonny boy?”
“Fuck you, asshole,” he spits before slamming back another shot. “I don’t miss you.”
“You do...you miss me,” I taunt. “Don’t worry. You still have a special place in my heart, and I’ll need you around to be my best man someday.”
“Best man?” My blood heats as he laughs sarcastically and shakes his head. “Enjoy living in that ignorant bliss while you can, dude.”
“What the hell does that mean?” I bite out.
“Never mind, just forget it,” he replies, rolling his eyes before taking a swig of his beer. “It doesn’t matter. I’m sure you’ll figure it all out on your own eventually.”
“Hell no!” I shout, standing straight as my balled fists fall to my sides. “You don’t get to say something screwed up like that and then just say never mind. Tell me what you mean.”
My anger begins to increase with each second that goes by, my blood feeling more like lava as it courses quickly through my veins. Jon doesn’t seem concerned, though. He continues to regard me silently while he drinks his beer.
“Look,” he groans, placing his beer back on the counter as he scratches the stubble on his chin, “she’s got you hearing fucking wedding bells, but do you honestly believe she has any intentions of staying with you forever?”
Bile rises to my throat and my stomach knots as my mother’s words haunt me. “You’re pathetic. No one is ever going to love you.”
“What the fuck, man? I know you’re pissed at me and there’s obviously something bothering you, but that’s a seriously fucked up thing to say to me.”
In This Moment (In This Moment #1) Page 25