“Are you all right, dear?” Patricia asks as Lizzy’s mouth remains agape on her paled face.
With a vacant look, she nods in response as I take her hand and squeeze it, willing her to look at me. When she doesn’t, every fear I’ve tried to push away begins to bubble to the surface.
“Will you guys excuse us for a moment?” I ask, forcing a smile. “We’re going to step outside to get some fresh air.” I pull Lizzy away from them and toward the door before Patricia even has a chance to respond.
I am hyper focused as I guide us through the crowd of people, wanting to speak to her without prying eyes and ears. My head spins as my thoughts grow darker. Even though a part of me expected Lizzy to react in this manner, there was still a part of me that hoped I was wrong—that we were past all this shit. What if she can’t move past this point? What if she can’t let go of what she had long enough to realize what we could have together—what we already have together?
As we step outside and I shut the door behind us, she pulls her hand from mine and creates some distance between us. “Don’t go freaking out on me, please,” I plead, trying in vain to close the gap between us.
Shaking her head, she begins to pace. “Don’t you think things are moving a little too fast and getting too serious?” she asks, her words choppy from her frantic breathing.
Her question causes my heart to sink, panic and anger swirling in my gut. “No!” I roar, shaking my head as I run my hands through my hair. “What the hell are you talking about? Things are going great between us. Don’t let someone saying something about me loving you cause you to put on the brakes.”
Her pacing stops as she finally meets my gaze and wraps her arms around herself. “Is what she said true? Are you in love with me, Brenden?” With a harsh exhale, I close my eyes and pinch the bridge of my nose. I may not have had the courage to say the words yet, but she should know how I feel. I’m not the one who’s been holding back. “Oh God,” she cries out, “I can’t do this. I’m sorry, but I’m just not ready for all of this Brenden.”
“Bullshit!” I shout, stepping up to her and cupping her face with my hands. I want to believe her wet eyes and blotchy face are clear indicators that she can’t mean what she’s saying—that she’s just scared. I’ve tried to be patient and understanding, but I can’t take this shit anymore. Never feeling certain where her heart lies while she has possession of mine is tearing me up inside. “Nothing has changed here. Stop trying to run away from what we have. I fucking love you, Elizabeth Shea. I. Love. You. And ready or not, I know you love me too.” I use my thumbs to wipe away her tears as they begin to stream down her face. “Maybe I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, but today, I know I love you and want to be with you—only you. How can you possibly see that as a bad thing?”
Shaking her head, she closes her eyes and pulls my hands from her face. “Because I think you want something more than I can give you.”
Her words echo my worst fear and a sharp pain ripples through my chest with my rough intake of breath. Since the moment this all begun, I’ve often wondered if she’d ever be able or willing to fully commit to me, and it seems I’m about to get my answer.
“I know I’m asking you to take a risk on me, and I know you’re afraid—hell, I’m fucking terrified too, but I’m still willing to take that risk on you. Are you not willing to do the same for me?”
The moments of silence that follow speak volumes, giving me my answer loud and clear, but I have to hear her say it. Waiting, I watch as she takes a deep breath, her throat bobbing as she swallows and rapidly blinks as if trying to get rid of her tears.
Just as her mouth moves to speak, the front door opens, allowing loud music and laughter to flow out from inside the house, drawing her attention.
“Lizzy?” I snap, my jaw working back and forth as breathing becomes more of a struggle.
Her eyes fall to the ground, her shoulders slumping as she shakes her head. My vision blurs, unwilling to accept what I’m seeing, and my lungs begin to burn, no longer getting the air they need.
“I should go,” she says in a near whisper before turning away from me.
My heart stutters, begging me to chase after her as she hurries away from me, but my reeling mind keeps my feet planted. My fists curl and my entire body trembles, my emotions waging war inside me while I watch her get into her car. As she drives away, my knees buckle. “Fuck!” I curse, crabbing onto my truck to keep myself upright. If she doesn’t feel the same way for me, I know it’s best to let her go, but the pain of it is unbearable.
Inked Declarations
My hand shakes as it curls and I lift it to knock on the door. Leaving it suspended in the air, I close my eyes and take another deep breath, reassuring myself that coming here was the right choice. As I exhale, my knuckles connect with the door, my stomach fluttering with each tap. I hear the click of the lock and drop my hand. My entire body goes rigid as it slowly begins to open, but it isn’t the tall, dark-haired man I’m aching to see on the other side.
“Wow, you look like shit,” Allison says, standing in Brenden’s front doorway, a hand on her hip and a smug smirk on her face.
While I don’t appreciate her canter, I’ve been a wreck for the past couple days and can only imagine how awful I must look—my puffy, red eyes and matted hair matching my oversized hoodie well. I was stupid and panicked when Jon’s mother said Brenden was in love with me, but I’d been a complete moron for walking away from him after he told me he loved me.
“Thanks,” I deadpan. “It’s been a rough couple days.”
For two days, I wallowed in my own misery, crying for hours on end while telling myself I did him a favor by walking away—that I was damaged goods and would only hurt him. By day three, the tightness in my chest became so unbearable, I had no choice but to stop lying to myself. I’m in love with Brenden too, and I think a part of me has known that for a while now.
I wasn’t sure how to explain to Brenden why I ran the other night, or if he’d even be interested in hearing me out. He didn’t come after me when I left. It’s been four days and he still hasn’t tried to call. Even though I’m scared to death he’s done with me, I want to try. Brenden deserves to hear me say it—he needs to know that loving him is not only possible, but he’s worthy of it. I owe him that much at least.
“Brenden’s not here,” Allison says, gesturing for me to come inside, “but you can still come inside, if you want.”
Nodding, I step inside. My pulse races as she closes the door and turns to face me. Allison hasn’t exactly been friendly to me in the past, and I’m positive I won’t like what she has to say today.
“He’s really hurting, you know.”
“I know,” I sigh, hanging my head.
“This is exactly what I was afraid of, Lizzy,” she huffs, taking a seat on the couch. I sit on the loveseat across from her, fighting my instinct to flee. “You’re the only person he’s ever been in love with, do you know that?”
I nod, my chest tightening as tears begin to fill my eyes.
“Do you love him?”
“Yes,” I hiccup as a few tears spill down my face. I keep my eyes on hers so she can see the sincerity in them.
“Why?” she questions, leaning back into the couch, crossing her arms and legs.
I shake my head, my brain scrambling to think of a response. I hadn’t been prepared to answer a question like this. Allison wants proof that my love for Brenden is real—that I’m never going to hurt him like this again—and I want to give it to her.
“There isn’t much I don’t love about him,” I answer. Allison scoffs and shakes her head as if she’d been expecting that kind of vague response. I know she made up her mind about me a long time ago, and after everything that happened, it isn’t going to be easy to change it. “If I had to pick the one thing I love most about Brenden, I would say it’s the way he uses those broken pieces of himself to help others feel more whole. I love that he always tries to find a way to ma
ke a negative into a positive and that he chooses to see the beauty of life even through the ugly.”
My voice now barely audible due to the huge lump in my throat and my vision blurred from all my tears, I take a breath and wait for Allison’s response. She stares at me for a moment before clearing her throat and wiping away a stray tear of her own. “All right, I believe you. Now, what’s your plan to prove it to him? It may take more than words.”
Allison has a point; actions certainly speak louder than words. I’d chosen to walk away from him after he told me he’s in love with me, and it’s likely that it’s going to take something big to get him to hear me after that.
I’ve allowed my fear to hold me back and fought things between Brenden and I from the start. If I am going to convince him things will be different moving forward, I need to do something to show him I’m not afraid anymore.
“You’re right, but I think I know just the thing.”
“What the fuck are you doing?” I hiss at myself, turning off the television and throwing the remote. It’s been a week since she walked away from me at Jon’s party, and though I haven’t spoken to her, I still found myself flipping through the channels every night, imagining she’s watching with me. Just now, I’d stopped on Sex in the City and watched it for a full twenty minutes, wanting to feel closer to her, but it only made her absence more noticeable.
I’m starting to understand why I had no interest in this love shit in the first place. I don’t like this whining, moping person I’ve been this week. If I were on the outside looking in, I would totally make fun of myself for being such a little bitch. My heart fucking hurts, though.
I knew finding out I’m in love with her was going to freak her out. I expected it to take a while before she was willing to admit to me, or even herself, that she’s in love with me too. I never expected her to basically tell me I was wrong for loving her or that she could never love me in return.
It’s sad to think she may never be able to let go of her past or the life she thought she would have with Xander. I know it’s her unwillingness to let go that keeps her from seeing how good we are together, but I don’t know what else I can do. She makes me want to be the best version of myself, and I’d like to think I bring out the best in her. She deserves to be happy, and I think I could give her that happiness, if only she would let me.
The knock on my bedroom door causes me to jump, my fists curling as my irritation grows. I already told Allison and Jon I wanted to be left alone. Sitting by myself in my room on a Saturday night might be pathetic, but I don’t have it in me to give a damn. “What the hell do you want?” I yell, getting up from my bed.
“Uh, Brenden? Can I come in please?” The voice coming from the other side of the door causes me to freeze as I hold my breath and wait to see whether I hear it again or if it had merely been a figment of my imagination. Every sound around me seems to intensify as I strain to listen for her voice again, feeling unsure which outcome I’d prefer.
Even if it is Lizzy, I’m not certain I want to hear what she has to say. She’d said plenty by walking away from me last Saturday, and it wasn’t anything her actions hadn’t told me time and time again from the start.
“Please, Brenden, I know you’re in there,” she pleads. My traitorous heart skips as the corners of my mouth begin to curve, positive now it’s Lizzy. Glee and relief wash over me knowing she’s here, and I realize I’m willing to live through this pain all over again if it means getting the chance to see her.
In my mind, I’m already at the door, but in reality, I can’t seem to get my feet to move or my mouth to work. Panic courses through me when she jiggles the doorknob, my brain still unwilling to command my body to respond as I watch it begin to open.
“I’m coming in,” she announces before mumbling, “Dear God, please don’t be doing anything inappropriate.”
My body relaxes the second she comes into view, her eyes wide and a blush on her cheeks. A rumble of laughter comes out of me causing her forehead and nose to crinkle with confusion. My laughter dies out as I admire her, the gravitational pull growing by the second. Damn it, I love this woman. She is fucking perfection.
“I’m not, but now that you’re here, we can change that,” I retort, moving toward her as she steps inside my room.
It feels like someone has knocked the wind out of me when a smile lights her face. I spent the past week trying to accept that I may never see her smile again, and the fact that she’s here smiling at me feels almost surreal. I’ve missed her so much, my stomach is knotted with my need to be closer to her.
Though I’m dying to pull her into my arms, I halt just a few feet away.
“Well,” she breathes, the color on her cheeks deepening as her eyelashes flutter. Fidgeting with her hair and clothes, she clears her throat before continuing. “I would like that very much, but only after I say what I came to say and show you what I came to show you.”
Feeling as if I’ve gained some insight into why she came here tonight, hope bubbles in my chest as my lips curl and spread across my face.
“Show me, huh?” I remark, raising an eyebrow as I close the gap between us. “Well, you certainly have my attention, Lizzy Shea.”
Any resolve I had to let her go dissolved the moment she was standing in front of me again, and I have no intention of keeping my hands off her much longer. After reaching around her to close my door, I bring my hand to her face, sweeping her hair back and behind her ear. Her eyes close as she moves into my touch like a cat being petted, and it takes all my willpower to stop there.
“I’m ready when you are,” I hum, leaning in as I drop my hand.
She takes a harsh breath as her eyes flicker open again. Sidestepping me, she walks to the middle of my room and spins. “I can’t think when you’re that close, and I have something I need to say,” she huffs, her posture tense with a hand on her hip.
“My apologies,” I scoff. “I didn’t mean to distract you from your show and tell mission. Please, continue.” Smirking, I shake my head and gesture for her to go on.
She rolls her eyes, and mutters, “Here goes nothing.”
When she unzips her hoodie and begins slipping it off her shoulders, exposing her creamy skin underneath, my entire body heats.
“Oh wow, getting right to the point and going for the show before the tell...I like it.”
“Shut up and look, jackass.” She smirks, shaking her head before turning around so her back is to me, revealing a white bandage on her right shoulder.
“You got a tattoo?” I rasp.
I can’t believe it. She sure seemed hell-bent on not getting one when I took her.
“Yep. Go ahead and pull back the bandage. I want you to see it.”
Closing the small gap between us, I reach up to completely remove her hoodie, allowing it to fall to the floor. Unable to help myself, I run my hands back up her arms, delighting in the goosebumps that pop up on her skin in the wake of my touch. Leaning down, I kiss her shoulder and she inhales a sharp breath. My excitement and anticipation begin to grow as I peel back the tape on the bandage, recalling how she said any tattoo she got would have to be meaningful to her.
Bold colors peak out as I lift the padding away from her skin. My mouth falls open once the tattoo is fully exposed and I’m rendered speechless as my eyes work to take in every detail. It’s so colorful and full of life, like an actual work of art. It certainly makes the little symbol I got on my chest seem insignificant. There is so much to take in, it’s hard for me to focus on the image as a whole. There’s a clock…no, a broken clock, and the edge morphs into a flock of birds flying away. Below, there are three words: In This Moment. It’s magnificent and beautiful, just like her.
“This is stunning,” I tell her, continuing to admire it.
“It’s a reminder to stop thinking about the past and worrying about the future. It’s a reminder to let myself be free to just live in this moment.”
“Wow,” I breathe, feeling a littl
e dumbfounded. Her tattoo is not only breathtaking, but her something meaningful came from me. Now, no matter what happens between us, she will always have something to remind her of me. “Your tat totally trumps mine. It’s perfect.”
“I’m glad you like it,” she mocks, turning back to face me. Smiling, she snakes her arms around me. “Now, ask me why I got a tattoo today.”
“All right,” I reply, pressing my body harder into hers. Lust-filled need blurs my vision and dulls my senses, making it hard to focus on anything else. “Why did you get a tattoo?”
“Because I’m ready to face my fears. After everything that happened the other night, I wanted to be able to show you instead of just telling you. I’m so sorry, Brenden, but I know for sure I’m ready. I know I can handle whatever may come as long as I’m facing it with you. I’m willing to take that risk with you because...I love you. I’m in love with you.”
My heart clenches and my grip on her tightens in reaction to her statement. Hearing her say those words feels better than I ever imagined. Every part of me buzzes as if high on endorphins, my pulse racing from a sudden surge in adrenaline. “Say it again,” I plead.
“I love you, Brenden,” she repeats, her voice low and eyes soft as her lips curve.
“I love you, too. So fucking much.”
More Than
“Good morning, beautiful,” Brenden says, wrapping his arm around me as he spoons me.
In This Moment (In This Moment #1) Page 24