Fizzlesprocket_Everybody Loves Large Chests [Vol.2]

by Neven Iliev

  “Being hero – not tasty.”

  “Tasty? Oh, right, I see. Hmm, that’s too bad. And here I had estimated there would be an 84.255% chance of you finding it tasty. I admit your ability to beat the odds was the whole point of this, but this just seems personal. Is being a Hero really all that, uh, untasty?”

  “Yes.”

  “How come?”

  “Heroes share their tasties and shinies with others. Heroes die fighting scary things instead of running. Heroes are idiots. I want to be less idiot, not more.”

  “Oh! No, no, you’re thinking of the wrong kind of ‘hero,’ Boxxy. I’m not referring to the selfless people who sacrifice themselves for the good of others.”

  “You’re not?”

  “I’ll explain. Being the Hero of a God basically means you’ll become their chief representative in the mortal plane – the living embodiment of the virtues they stand for. In my case its random acts of whatever. You do get a few unique divine powers to play around with too, so it’s not like the title doesn’t have its benefits.”

  The Mimic had to agree, that certainly sounded much tastier than what it was imagining initially. It sounded like Morrigan here would be its boss, but it could probably live with that arrangement. Just so long as it was in the form of Quests or tasks, rather than being directly controlled like when it was a simple dungeon monster. Of course, that was only if it actually managed to kill that lich-thing.

  “What if I fail Quest? Or give up?” Boxxy would certainly try to do it, but it wanted to know if backing out to preserve its own life was an option.

  “Then you’ll just have to get your Jobs and Levels back the old-fashioned way.”

  So there were no apparent downsides to abandoning this endeavour entirely? Come to think of it, the Quest didn’t ask for a deposit like those Mercenary Guild assignments, so that made sense. Having confirmed that it had the option of simply giving up was the last thing the Mimic needed before making up its mind.

  “Okay. I accept.”

  [Boxxy T. Morningwood has undertaken a Quest: Defeat the lich.]

  Fizzy raised her arm like a schoolgirl requesting permission to speak. It appeared she had finally realised that rudely interrupting an actual God was probably not a smart idea. Especially not one whose entire domain hinged on unpredictability and randomness.

  “Yes, what it is, Fizzlesprocket?”

  “Earlier you said the Goddess of Truth and Justice cheated. I find that hard to believe.”

  “Yeah, she cheated! She got super butthurt her chosen Hero got one-shot by a box and revived him! She’s not supposed to do that! If not for her involvement, Boxxy over here wouldn’t be in this mess! Well – it would be in a mess, just not this one. The trouble this thing gets up to really is something else.”

  Nick turned his gills to face Boxxy once again.

  “By the way, great work with that priestess from about a week ago. Oh man, you should’ve seen that stuck-up bitch’s face when I showed her the image of her faithful servant taking it up the ass like a champ! It got even uglier when I told her the one that killed her also stole a Holy Pearl and pinned the blame for the crime on that dead nun! That really rustled Her jimmies, let me tell ya! She got so mad that she threw a gigantic hissy fit – it was amazing!”

  The sister Lyo incident that Erosa was up in arms about had apparently been staged by a monster. And yet that tidbit was somehow the least surprising thing Fizzy had heard tonight.

  “Haah, I will treasure that memory for a long while. Anyway, being the sore loser that she is, she went and sent a divine revelation to her oracle saying something along the likes of ‘The perpetrator is in Erosa.’ That’s why that Edward guy was there a few days ago.”

  “…”

  The dumb smile Boxxy sported instantly turned into a huge frown. The way it understood things, the whole reason it was in this position was because these deities were having some sort of internal dispute that it had nothing to do with.

  Noticing the scornful glare, the God of Probability tried to make an excuse. “Hey, you were bound to get found out eventually, so don’t put the blame on me, alright?”

  But it just kept silently staring daggers at him.

  “Okay! Okay, I admit it was almost entirely my fault. I’m here taking responsibility for my rash actions though, aren’t I?”

  “But did not help with escape?” it questioned.

  “How do you know I didn’t?” countered the deity. “My manipulations are so subtle that nobody can spot them before it’s too late. Someone overlooking to check the inside of your mouth, or the watertight seal on your cage’s control box eroding away. Perhaps it may not have been as obvious as sending the four Overlords to bust you out, but I could’ve easily been responsible for facilitating your escape.”

  “So did you help or not?” repeated Boxxy, clearly not buying into Clarence’s cryptic bullshit.

  “Alright fine. I could’ve, but I didn’t. Interfering with the lives of mortals in such a direct manner is cheating, and I don’t wanna stoop to Teresa’s level. That would only spark a godly miracle-measuring contest that I want no part of. Besides, watching you struggle to break free all on your lonesome was far, far more fun than just letting you out.”

  The Mimic thought on those words. It considered their implications and came to a singular conclusion which it decided to share with this mysterious entity.

  “I don’t like you.”

  “Hahahaha! Well said, Boxxy, well said! That sort of childish attitude of yours is exactly the reason I like you! One never truly knows what’s going through a child’s head, you know? Tell you what, since I was slightly to blame for that whole incident, I’m going to make things a bit easier on you.”

  Jacob turned his attention back to the gnome. “You there, Fizzlesprocket. Since you’re just an extra, how about you make yourself useful and help my new friend here with its Quest?”

  “What – with fighting some mighty undead? Nonononono! I have the combat ability of a flea! I have no place on the battlefield! Or out of town! Or out of my own house, for that matter!”

  “I know, but I have a fix for that. I’ll just make you a Paladin! Nobody can kick bony butt quite like a Paladin can! You even get to champion my name! That sounds fun, doesn’t it?”

  The God of Probability lifted an arm and went to snap its feathers –

  “No, it doesn’t!”

  – but was stopped by Fizzy’s outburst.

  “I can’t accept such a thing!” she continued. “Why do I have to help this man-eating monster with anything! Besides, you’re way too shady! If I have to live with your voice in my head, I’d probably go insane within the week!”

  Rupert stared at her intently with his meatball-tipped toes.

  “ … Roll a D20.”

  “Huh?”

  A fist-sized object fell onto the table, bounced a few times and rolled towards her before stopping within arm’s reach. It was a wooden shape with twenty equal faces and numbers etched on each side.

  “Roll that die. If you get fifteen or higher, you win.”

  The gnome swallowed audibly. This was sudden, but it sort of made sense considering Craig’s occupation. She picked up the so-called D20 and gave it a roll across the table with her short arms.

  *Kotororororororrr*

  And it landed on a seventeen.

  “Oh, lucky you!” exclaimed Beatrice. “Congratulations! You win!”

  *Snap*

  A bright light abruptly enveloped Fizzy, only to disappear just as rapidly.

  [Congratulations, you are now a Level 1 Paladin! STR +2. END +2. INT +2.]

  [The Faith (FTH) Attribute has been created through a special action. FTH +1.]

  [The Luck (LCK) Attribute has been created through a special action. LCK +1.]

  [Proficiency level increased. Champion of Chaos is now Level 1. FTH +2. LCK +2.]

  “What the shit!” she protested. “I won the roll, didn’t I?”

  “Y
es, you did.”

  “Then how come you forced this on me anyway!”

  “Because I had already decided on it.”

  “Then what was that roll about!”

  “To see whether I would shatter your fragile mind for daring to question my authority.”

  “ … Oh.”

  “Good thing you won,” commented Boxxy.

  “Yeah … Why me, though?”

  “That’s the question everyone asks when things aren’t going their way,” said Lucy. “Why me? Why did this happen? What did I do to deserve this? The answer to all of those is really simple.”

  A single silver coin fell from above and bounced on the wooden table with a small ding, landing heads-up in front of Fizzy. She only had to look at it for a moment before comprehending its meaning.

  “ … There is no reason. Just the luck of the draw.” The words floated out of her mouth almost all on their own.

  “Very good! See, you have a handle on this Champion of Chaos thing already!”

  *Ding ding ding ding*

  The sound of a small bell ringing suddenly filled the area.

  “And it would appear that is all we have time for. I’ll be sending you two back to the physical realm now. Just watch that first step.”

  He raised his left thorax and prepared to snap his leaves for the final time.

  “It’s a doozy!”

  *Snap*

  Epilogue

  Boxxy and Fizzy suddenly found themselves high in the sky – higher than even the griffins flew – and were plummeting downward. The sheer speed at which they were falling was well beyond any rhyme or reason, causing them to reach the ground within seconds, whereupon they crash-landed into a couple of unconscious bodies.

  “HISSSS!”

  “GYAAA!”

  They both woke up screaming, as if meeting with the God of Chance had been nothing more than a nightmare. However, their current conditions left very little doubt in their minds that the meeting had been quite real.

  “Okhsy? Haht? Hasha! Haaaaaaaaah! His ishn’t hakkehinh!”

  The Mimic let out a series of confused noises while the gnome stared at it with a stupid expression. She then looked at her hands, her legs, then back to the monster, then back to her own body. Satisfied with her inspection, she then raised her face and both arms to the sky.

  “Willie!” she shouted. “Wrong body! Not mine!”

  “Oh, shit!” came a disembodied voice. “I fucked that up! Wow! Here, let me fix it!”

  *Snap*

  Boxxy’s vision blurred and the world seemed to spin around wildly for a moment as it was instantly put back in its own body. Fizzy must have gone through pretty much the same, seeing as how she collapsed on all fours and started pounding the ground with her tiny fist.

  “I almost! Became! A fucking! Box!” She then raised that fist towards the heavens. “You incompetent divine bastard! I’ll get you back for this!”

  “Hey now,” came the voice once more. “I’ll overlook that this one time since I was at fault, but take it easy with the blaspheme, alright? It’s not healthy.”

  “Fine, whatever!” Fizzy said. “Then as your Champion can I just say I’d appreciate it if you took things more seriously!”

  “This God thing isn’t as easy as it looks you know! I’d like to see you try and pull off a double Reverse Astral Projection without messing something up. Anyway, I seriously have to go now. You guys take care.”

  Silence dominated the forest again. The two mortals quietly stared at each other, now fully aware they were little more than playthings for the God of Inconsistency.

  “So … what happens now?” asked Fizzy.

  “Time to teach.”

  “Huh? Oh, right. You still want me to give you the Artificer Job.”

  “No.”

  The Mimic had every intention of fulfilling that Quest and earning back what was rightfully its own. It decided to do something that would be a lot more useful than waste time and resources on pointlessly raising the Artificer Job.

  “ … Then what?”

  “You have new Job?”

  “Yeah. I’m a Level 1 Paladin now, apparently. I can’t teach you that one, though.”

  The Mentor Skill required her to have Level 25 in a Job before she could pass it on to others.

  “No, mistaken. I teach you.”

  “Oh please! What could you possibly teach me?”

  “How to fight like monster.”

  The gnome swallowed audibly. This wasn’t going to bode well for her. Especially since she’d just heard Bruce’s amused cackling somewhere in the back of her head.

  Afterword

  Well, so ends another instalment of this weird and disturbing series. Maybe it was a bad idea to wait until the second book to introduce any sort of overarching plot, but hey, the main character is only a few months old. Naturally it won’t have grand motivations like trying to become the pirate king or aiming to achieve godhood or whatever. Boxxy is a spiteful little bastard though, so you can rest assured it will definitely aim for Edward’s head if given the chance.

  I feel quite proud of how things turned out in this volume, to be honest. Especially the God of Luck. So many times when you hear about a God/Goddess of Chaos in fiction they’re represented as someone who brings naught but destruction, death, and carnage. That’s not what Terry’s about. Well, not all of it, anyway. The Goddess of Inconsistency is all about change, which doesn’t always have to be brought about by bloodshed. It’s just that violence often accompanies any large shifts in a culture or society in this fictional world of mine.

  The other deities are also not as stereotypical as one might imagine. For example, the God of War does not wish to plunge the world into armed conflict, he just wishes for the mortals to conduct themselves honourably and respectively when the time comes. Likewise, the God of Death is there to manage the souls of the deceased and make sure their remains are not befouled or besmirched. He’s also quite interested in commerce – because nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes.

  Fizzy was a curious little creature. Originally I intended her to be just a throwaway character, another minor footnote in Boxxy’s murderous path towards … wherever it was going. But as I wrote about her, the more attached I became, and she ended up becoming something I never intended her to be. Not that I’m complaining though. I dare say she’s my personal favourite character, especially after the metamorphosis she will go through in the next volume.

  I should also warn you that although I will try to keep the kinky stuff to a minimum (it’s one of the biggest complaints I hear about this series), it will never truly disappear. While it may seem like those elements interfere with the story, this would be a very different tale without them. I also think it adds a layer of irony that all this lewd stuff happens around a monster that lacks any sort of biological or psychological drive to get naughty with anything, despite all its potential for depravity.

  In closing I would like to invite you to check out the RPG GameLit Society on Facebook. It’s a great place to discuss the budding genre and get the scoop on the latest releases.

  Well, I suppose that’s it for me for the moment.

  Toodles!