Imagine Me

by Fiona Cole

  “Juliana, don’t be naive and make this into something it’s not.” He couldn’t even meet my eyes when he said it. I watched his jaw clench and his throat bob over every swallow, like he was holding back words.

  Why? Why wouldn’t he just give in?

  Irritated, I let out a low growl, barely holding back the need to be the petulant child he accused me of being and stomping my foot. “I am an adult, Shane.” I was tired of explaining it, of defending my maturity. “One who can face the things in front of me. And I’m not the one who’s afraid of admitting how much I love you.”

  I said it again, apparently a glutton for punishment. Watching him stiffen every time I said it.

  He dropped his gaze, looking at the ground and shaking his head. The yoyo of emotions exhausted me and the tears were winning. They choked me and cracked my voice when all I wanted was to sound firm. “Don’t shake your head at me.” A tear leaked free and I sniffed again. “Shane.” His name the final plea on my lips.

  He lifted his head and met my wet eyes. For a moment, I was able to see him. He looked just as miserable as me, and I thought he was going to finally give in. He looked me over with his eyebrows scrunched together. He looked just as hollow as I felt.

  Then he looked away, paced two steps away and then back, rubbed his hand over his neck, his head, his mouth. When his eyes looked back to meet mine, the hollowness was gone. And all that greeted me was a blank wall.

  His voice was just as empty as his eyes, void of all emotions. “I know you think Jack has nothing to do with this, but he is my brother. He has become my family, and I am not willing to risk that on something as flimsy as a love proclamation. It’s not worth it.”

  Not worth it.

  Not worth it.

  I’m not worth it.

  My love wasn’t worth it.

  Holding back the tears was useless. I dropped my head and did the best I could to wipe them away, but sobs shook my body the more I tried to hold them in. His feet shuffled against the pavement as he stepped closer to me. Out of the corner of my eyes I saw his hand lift toward me.

  Jerking my head up, I slapped his hand away. “Don’t touch me.” My voice cracked and I worked to harden it, to let my anger fill it. “Don’t ever touch me. I don’t need your comfort. I don’t need you.” He flinched at my words and the hard wall slipped a little, reveling how my words hit him. “I don’t need someone who shows up to make me feel like a piece of meat.”

  He stepped forward again. “Juliana, I-”

  I stepped back. “Don’t.”

  Regret shined in his eyes, but I didn’t care. It may not have been his intention to make me feel so cheap, but he had, and I felt no sympathy for him hurting from his actions.

  “Go Shane. And don’t ever come back here.”

  Chapter 23

  I turned my back on Shane and held my head high all the way to the entryway of my building. I’d even managed to seem more pissed than upset until the elevator doors closed. Just in case he’d watched me through the glass front of my building.

  But as soon as those doors closed, I caved in on myself. My hands came up to cradle my face as my shoulders and head dropped down and loud sobs filled the small space. If anyone got on this elevator with me, I was fucked.

  Praise Jesus, the elevator dinged on my floor and slid open to an empty hallway. I rushed to my apartment, fumbled with the key and fell against the door as soon as it was closed behind me, sliding down to my bottom.

  I fully expected Jo to come storming out of her room demanding what the hell happened, but the place was dark and no one came for me. I sat, alone, on my apartment floor crying like a weak child. Maybe moving to Cincinnati was a mistake. It all felt like a giant joke right then.

  My life in Texas had been good. Much better than the mess it felt like now. The guy I’d fallen in love with let me know I wasn’t worth it. Betsy was a traitorous hunk of metal. And I was currently being accused of stealing materials from my lab.

  All of it weighed on me, and it was so easy to allow the sadness to swallow me whole. But it was just a moment in my life. Just one week. I tried to be rational, knowing that it hadn’t always been like that. I tried to remember all the reasons I loved it here.

  But the hurt whispered to me. What if it isn’t just a moment? What if I just keep fucking up? Maybe I should just go home. My parents were right. Hudson was right.

  I wouldn’t have to worry about being looked down upon in my job. I wouldn’t have to worry about my car breaking down. I wouldn’t have to worry about a broken heart. In our circle of friends in Texas, the men were gentlemen, and Daddy was not a man you crossed by hurting his baby girl. The men didn’t take a woman they cared about to an alley to fuck her and leave her aching between your legs.

  My legs clenched around the ache now and it sent a shock of pain and pleasure through me.

  Picking myself off the floor, I made my way to the bathroom where I splashed cold water on my face. I stared at my reflection in the mirror, looking for answers that seemed so far out of reach. I was patting away the smudged make-up when I heard a knock at the door.

  My skin prickled and my heart hammered against my chest.

  Maybe it was Shane coming back to say what a huge mistake he’d made and that I was worth it, that he wanted the same things I did. I’d open the door and he’d pull me into his arms, whispering into my ear how much he loved me and tell me he wouldn’t leave me. My eyes sparked with a hope I hated myself for having. I breathed in as deeply as my chest would allow and tried to be rational.

  The knock came again and I rushed out of the bathroom to answer the door. My fingers fumbled with the locks as I bit my lips nervously. Flinging the door open, my heart dropped and my body tried to make sense of what was in front of me.

  “Hudson.” I breathed out his name in shock.

  Disappointment settled around me as I took in the sweater over his polo, his dark hair perfectly parted and slicked back, his blue eyes, ten shades too dark. None of it was what I had wanted to greet me on the other side of my door.

  “Hey, Jules.” His easy smile slid from his face when he took in my puffy, red-rimmed eyes. His hands slipped from his pockets and he stepped into my space, pulling me to his chest. “Hey, hey. What happened? Why have you been crying?”

  Because it was Hudson, the boy I’d grown up with, who knew so much about me, I let him hold me. I pushed the door closed and wrapped my arms around his waist, enjoying the comfort of home for just a moment. A few tears even leaked out again to stain his shirt a darker color.

  He pulled back and framed my face with his hands, leaning down to look me over. “You okay?”

  Taking a deep breath, I nodded and let him lead me to my couch. He held my hands as we sat beside each other.

  “What are you doing here?” I asked, it finally hitting me how crazy it was for him to be at my door past ten on a Friday night when he should’ve been in Texas.

  “I missed you.” His answer easily slid off his tongue, like it was a fact of life, so obvious that he was confused why I needed to question it. “And after that message you sent me about missing me too, I had to come.” I hadn’t exactly said I missed him, but I didn’t interrupt. “I wanted to surprise you. I came by but you weren’t home, so I decided to have a coffee across the street and wait. I’d only gotten in a while ago, so I wasn’t waiting long. Figured I’d try your door one more time before I headed to my hotel and called you.”

  “It’s a nice surprise. I miss you too.” He couldn’t have come at a better time. I needed a piece of home and while he’d shocked me, I couldn’t deny how good it felt to not be alone. To have the comfort of a friend when I was in so much doubt about my choices.

  “I hate seeing you sad, Jules.” His eyes looked over my face and a hand lifted to brush my cheek and push hair back behind my ear.

  “Me too. Or I hate being sad.” I laughed weakly as I rummaged through my mind on how to explain why I was such a mess. “It’s just
been a long week with work and stuff.”

  “I hate that you aren’t close so I can comfort you. Don’t you miss us? Our friendship?”

  A small warning bell chimed in the back of my mind. Surely Hudson wouldn’t have traveled all this way just to try and convince me to go back home. I remembered my conversation with my mom and proceeded with caution.

  “Of course, I miss our friendship,” I said, purposefully ignoring his “us” comment. “But distance doesn’t have to mean we can’t be friends.”

  “Do you have anyone here that can comfort you like me?” he argued.

  I sat up straighter, feeling a little defensive. “I have Jo.”

  “Where is Jo now?” He lifted his hands wide and looked around my apartment as though Jolene would pop out from behind the couch. He leveled me with a look that I knew meant he was about to make his argument, but was trying to come off as pleading. I knew him so well. “Jules, you can come home. Be a scientist there. We can move closer to the city so you’re not under your parents’ thumb. I’ll be there for you. It doesn’t have to be the high-society life you hate.”

  For a moment, the plan he set out sounded more enticing than I anticipated. I would have the opportunity to keep working. To have a man I felt secure with. Still be close to my parents. It was all laid out before me, and I was tempted to agree to anything to help me feel better.

  But then I remembered my family, the life. We could move closer into the city, but Hudson would still be working for my father. I’d still be required to go to gala functions, take on a charity. Then how much time would I have to give up at the lab until it was too much and I’d have to walk away? How much of myself would I have to sacrifice until there was nothing left?

  I pulled my hands into my lap. “Hudson, I can’t. I’m happy here.”

  “Happy?” he asked, incredulously. His coaxing tone shifting to frustration. “You don’t look very happy, Juliana.”

  “It’s just been a bad week,” I said defensively.

  He stared at me, jaw clenched, eyes scanning my face, thinking over his next plan of attack.

  “Is it because of that man I saw fucking you earlier?”

  I choked on my breath, my eyes growing wide with shock. “What?”

  “Really? In an alley? Out in public?” His lips curled in disgust and I swallowed hard, unable to process anything. “Is this what you want to be? Is this why you want to be away, so you can sleep around?”

  “Hudson.” His name was barely air passing over my lips as I tried to regain my composure. But instead, I felt lightheaded, the tingling of frustration prickling up my spine.

  “I love you, Juliana.” His proclamation sounded angry and not at all sweet like an I love you should come out. “Enough to look past this last year and whatever else you’ve done. But you have to meet me half way.”

  He spoke as though he was doing me a favor for loving me. And it pissed me off. “I don’t want to meet you anywhere, Hudson.”

  “No, you just want to meet a man in an alley to get fucked. And by someone who so obviously hurts you.”

  “That’s enough.” My tone was hard and in control. I couldn’t believe all the things he was saying, and so cruelly. He was supposed to be my friend and right then he was being a dick. “My sex life is none of your business.”

  “Your ‘sex life’ is shameful. Shameful enough to need space to do it away from family. Is that the only reason you left?”

  “Enough.” I raised my voice, letting him know I was done allowing him to sit in my apartment and talk down to me. I was so sick and tired of people talking down to me. Fuck him. I stood, staring down at him with barely concealed anger. “I left because I didn’t want to stay and become a kept woman, passed from my father to a husband chosen for me. I can be strong by making my own choices. I’m so sick and tired of explaining that to people.” He opened his mouth to speak, but I held up my hand and kept going. “I may get hurt and make decisions you don’t agree with, but they are my choices and I lived them. At least I’m living the way I wanted.”

  He stood with his jaw clenched, trying to regain his composure. “I’m just worried about you, Juliana.”

  I walked past him and opened my door. “Don’t be. I’m fine all on my own.”

  I wouldn’t meet his eyes as he walked out. We’d grown up together and as much as I hadn’t seen the side of him he just unleashed on me, he’d seen my stubborn side enough to know I was done.

  He walked out and I slammed the door behind him, feeling better than before he came. All that talk reminded me how strong I was. I may have been hurt then, but I knew I was strong enough to get past it. The soft pain hardened a little bit more, reminding me I was a bad-ass bitch all on my own.

  Chapter 24

  Part of me wanted to wallow in my misery the whole weekend through, but I’d done that last weekend and I just wanted my family at that point. I wanted to laugh at their stories even if it hurt, because maybe for a moment in time, I’d forget the pain taking up residence inside me. I needed to remind myself that everything I needed was here in Cincinnati.

  Jolene and I had had a girls’ night and stuffed our faces with Cincinnati-style pizza and Grater’s ice cream, which made me a little sad. I’d had Grater’s for the first time with Shane, the same night I’d fallen in love with him. However, when Jo saw my frown, she insisted we make new memories to go with the glorious-ness that was Grater’s. We’d danced with pints and spoons in our hands and passed out watching rom-coms.

  When Sunday rolled around, I walked into King’s late since the customary construction traffic seemed to have been even worse today. I opened the door with an energy I didn’t possess, and a smile on my face, even if it was a little forced. Fake it until you make it, right? Luella and Evie greeted me with forced smiles of their own, and Jameson just stared from behind the bar. I stumbled over my feet a little, taking in their concerned faces. I fought off the furrowing of my brow and smiled even harder, refusing to let their worried expressions bring me down. I shrugged off my purse and walked to the table.

  “Hey ladies.” I said with fake happiness in my tone, but it faded off when, out of the corner of my eye, I saw Jack appear from the back hallway, head bent as he listened to Hudson.

  Hudson.

  Fucking Hudson.

  My eyes widened and I clamped my jaw shut to prevent it from hitting the floor. Jack looked pissed, which pissed me off because I could only imagine what the hell Hudson was spewing to him.

  Catching Hudson’s eyes, I was met with a victorious glint. The jealous little weasel was using my family against me, and I wanted to make him choke on his balls. Fuck him. He didn’t get to come here and mess with my life. I opened my mouth and raised my hand, preparing to stomp over and lay into him good when the door opened behind me.

  Jack’s concerned scowl morphed into a murderous glare, and I didn’t need to turn to see who stood behind me. Jack’s fists clenched as tight as his jaw, and he began taking long strides to the man behind me.

  “You son of a bitch,” Jack growled out the words.

  Jameson stepped out from behind the bar and intercepted Jack, holding him back. “No fighting in my bar.”

  Jack didn’t even acknowledge him as he strained against Jameson’s arms. “You fucked my sister.” He roared it so loud, I wouldn’t be surprised if everyone on the block heard.

  “Jack,” I said. I didn’t know what the hell I wanted. For him to shut up? For him to never ever say anything about me being fucked again? For Shane to leave? What the hell was he doing here, anyway? Did he want to torture me more?

  I really just wanted to feel like I had control of the situation, of my life.

  “Look man . . .” Shane started and his voice sent chills down my spine. I hated myself for feeling anything from his voice.

  “In a fucking alley, like she’s one of the random whores you screw around with.”

  Shane didn’t even try to defend himself. “Jack, I’m sorry.”


  “Go, Juliana.” Evie muttered beneath her breath at the table, but still loud enough to hear.

  “Shut the fuck up, Evie.” Jack didn’t even look at her as he snapped his words.

  “Watch your mouth, Jack,” Jameson warned, his arm tightening around Jack more forcefully.

  Jack was too far gone to acknowledge his mistake, too focused on Shane. “You’re like my brother. I trusted you. Just so you could screw my baby sister.”

  “Enough,” I shouted. I was done being talked about like a child who wasn’t there. “I’m a big girl, Jack. I can make my own decisions, and you need to calm down.”

  “Calm down? He degraded you. Used you.”

  “Stop it!” The situation was spiraling downhill, faster than I could control it. I still hadn’t turned to look at Shane, but I could feel him. And Jack’s rage was another living being in the room, trying to break free of Jameson and unleash hell on Shane. “You’re exaggerating, and you need to get it together,” I said, pointing at him before turning my finger to Hudson, who was leaning against the wall like it was some free show. “And you’re a fucking, conniving dick.”

  “Well that conniving dick—who was looking out for you—came to me after finding you crying last night. Shane is why you’ve been so depressed lately,” Jack said. It wasn’t a question. He was beyond any of my input. “So not only did he fuck you, but he hurt you by throwing you away. It’s what he does.”

  “It’s not what-” Shane tried to defend himself.

  “It is. I’ve watched you since I’ve known you use one woman after the next.”

  “It’s not like-”

  “And now you’ve moved on to my sister.”

  “Jack, I-”

  “I trusted you. You were my brother.”

  “I am your brother. It’s not-”

  “You used her like a-”

  “I love her!” Shane roared.

  The room fell silent at his proclamation. The words rattled around in my head and my heart beat too hard, unsure what to feel. My stomach churned as I tried to process it all. Evie and Luella gaped at each other. I blinked over and over trying to prevent the tears from burning the backs of my eyes.