Connecting Happiness and Success_A Guide to Creating Success Through Happiness

by Ray White

  Happiness and Marriage

  Relationships are a virtuous circle. The more you have, the better you feel, and the better you feel, the better you are at cultivating relationships. Our romantic relationships are often the most impactful to our happiness. Happier people are more likely to get married. Married people are more likely to be happy. People in positive marriages are on average happier than people who are single. People who are divorced are less happy than married or single people, and people in negative marriages are the least happy of everyone. So marrying the right person and then working to keep that relationship positive is very important.

  Being happier makes you more attractive to other people. Research has shown, unsurprisingly, that people would rather be with someone who is happy than someone who is self-focused, irritable, and withdrawn; so happy people probably more often tend to get married. Also, being committed in a marriage means you have to learn to get along. It gives you someone to share your fears, failures, and successes with. Marriage is daily, rather than weekly, and provides a lot of opportunities for small happiness experiences.

  Being married adds up to 10 points to the average happiness score. While marriage doesn’t guarantee happiness, happier people tend to get married and tend to be more satisfied with their spouse and marriage. The least happy people are in negative relationships or are divorced. Divorce is strongly correlated with being less happy. To be clear, being divorced does not guarantee you will be unhappy. Some people are much happier after they are divorced and separated from negative relationships. But the statistics show that, on average, divorced people are less happy.

  Once a marriage ends through death or divorce, people are much less happy. Research indicates it may take as long as five to seven years to recover after the death of a spouse.

  For most people, marriage creates an environment conducive to sharing, intimacy, and the bond of connectedness that supports happiness. It matters who you are married to, what you are giving to the relationship, and what you are focused on getting out of the relationship. Those people who find joy in giving to and appreciating their spouse are happier than those who focus on what they need and are not getting. As with other aspects of happiness, it is the giving that provides the lift much more than the getting. If your spouse enjoys doing some little thing for you, acknowledge his or her gift and show appreciation. Your appreciation will support your spouse’s happiness.

  Another great point is that being single in no way indicates you will be unhappy, or even lonely. Many single people have close, intimate, nonsexual relationships. They have close friends they can share their ups and downs with and with whom they feel comfortable sharing intimate details.

  Relationships are about giving. Once you are focused on giving and not receiving, it becomes much easier to cultivate great relationships.

  Our Happiness Impacts our Children

  The children of happy parents are happier throughout their lives, and happiness in children was related to being able to keep jobs, lower rates of suicide, and lower levels of substance abuse as long as 20 years later.

  Unfortunately, negative relationships also have serious negative impacts for our children. The results of children being around adults in negative relationships can include depression, withdrawal, poor social competence, health problems, poor academic performance, and overall bad behavior. Children exposed to parents with negative relationships have more trouble expressing and controlling their emotions and aggression. They also have a harder time focusing. When these kids grow up, they report more stress and less satisfaction with life and their families. Their bodies even create more stress hormones than children exposed to positive relationships.

  Children of parents with positive relationships are better socially, better in school, and have fewer behavioral problems.

  The best possible scenarios for the children are parents who stay married in a positive relationship, or who change a negative relationship in a marriage to a positive relationship. But the research also shows it is better for the children if the parents get divorced instead of staying in a negative relationship.

  Habits and Relationships

  One of the best known researchers on marriage and romantic relationships is John Gottman from the University of Washington. Using analysis techniques he has honed over several decades, he has developed the ability to determine the health of a relationship and its potential future within the first five minutes of observing the interactions of a couple. His methods have resulted in an ability to predict which couples will get divorced with better than 90% accuracy.

  Most people are not aware of the habits and patterns they have formed in their relationships. Gottman recommends habits we can practice or avoid in order to create and maintain positive relationships.

  Fight the negative habits.

  1.Don’t criticize or point out flaws in your partner’s character or personality.

  2.Try not to be defensive. Listen and consider the meaning of what your spouse is saying rather than potentially hurtful words he or she is using. Avoid denying responsibility, blaming someone or something else, whining, or being the victim. Negative statements that begin with “You always…” and “You never…” are indicators of challenges if the accompanying tone of voice is also negative.

  3.Don’t use contempt or disgust – talking down to your spouse as if you are superior. Don’t insult, use sarcasm, mock the other person, show disapproval, judgment, or hostile humor, or communicate that the other person is incompetent. The amount of disgust shown on a partner’s face can be used to predict the health of the relationship and the amount of time a couple will be separated.

  4.Stonewalling – withdrawing emotionally. Don’t exit the room or the conversation. Don’t start watching TV, looking at your phone, or reading a book during the middle of a serious conversation.

  5.Whining – statements that blame the other person and make you the victim as if you did not have any control. Don’t complain when you can make a request.

  Create good habits that nurture positive relationships:

  1.Use “we” instead of “I” to show you are in this together and to help reduce the perception of blame.

  2.Have a sense of humor – be able to laugh at yourself. Insert humor into tense situations to hint to your partner that, no matter what, you still care about him or her.

  3.Start every conversation with something positive rather than jumping into negative statements.

  4.Listen to and support each other’s hopes and dreams. Our hopes and dreams give us a true sense of purpose; and at the same time, they are areas of great sensitivity and low confidence. Knowing our hopes and dreams are honored and respected gives us renewed strength and makes the relationship extraordinarily valuable. Not supporting the other person’s hopes and dreams can lead to a slow death of the relationship as the other person slowly builds the confidence to pursue his or her dreams and leave the non-supporting partner behind.

  5.Start discussions by clarifying what you do agree with before jumping into what you don’t agree with.

  6.Say small positive things often: Thank you, I love you, I respect you, I like you.

  When relationships are happy, people are constantly finding and thinking about what is good about them. When relationships are negative, people do just the opposite: they constantly identify and review the negative aspects.

  Conflict is a normal part of a relationship. We all grow and learn. We find different interests and discover new areas of excitement. As our lives change, we need to confront and address the issues created by two people changing in different ways. It is not the number or emotionality of the fights that is an indicator of a negative relationship as much as the balance of positivity to negativity and whether the fights are constantly about the core issues and sensitive areas of the relationship.

  Many couples fight about money. It turns out that the amount of money is not what causes the fights; it is each person’s perception of whether they ha
ve enough money. So more money does not stop the fighting, while gaining an understanding on how each party judges how much money is enough does.

  Indicators of a positive relationship include how two people talk about how their day went, or how they try to have an enjoyable conversation. People in positive relationships celebrate the small wins with their partners.

  Activity:

  1.Create rituals that give you the opportunity to connect

  a.Dinner with the family

  b.Annual vacations

  c.Nightly walks

  d.Activities related to common interests: exercise, diet, gardening, bowling, saving money for a big purchase

  2.Talk a lot

  a.Talk about things you appreciate about the other person

  b.Talk about small things the person is going to be doing each day

  c.Share and discuss the positive aspects of experiences

  My wonderful wife and I have been married for 25 years and we have 3 great kids. It has taken a lot of time to learn how to make the marriage work. One of our rituals is walking the dog every night. It gives us the opportunity to vent and get out the frustrations of the day. It also gives us the opportunity to talk about the little things that are going on in our lives. I am not much of a talker, so it gives me the opportunity to open up on a regular basis. Also, the short time away from the kids gives us the opportunity to actually complete sentences and thoughts without being interrupted by kids who need help with homework, shirts for soccer practice, school paperwork signed, permission to watch TV or play on the Wii, or directions on how to fix their newest kitchen concoction.

  Positive Relationships Make You Healthier

  Research shows that social relationships are an independent predictor of health. Positive relationships improve our immune system, while negative relationships make it weaker.

  Cohen and Wills reviewed a wide expanse of research and concluded this: “Numerous studies indicate that people with spouses, friends, and family members who provide psychological and material resources are in better health than those with fewer supportive social contacts… Social support is a causal contributor to well-being.”

  Additional research indicates that relationships actually alter the cardiovascular, endocrine, and immune systems, contributing to better health and longevity. More optimistic cancer patients can be less stressed, less fatigued, and have less disruption of their normal life because of their willingness to reach out socially. Several other studies have confirmed that cancer patients with strong relationships, both personally and in support groups, live 50% longer on average. The strength and happiness that come from positive relationships keeps them going.

  Positive Relationships Help You Stay Smarter

  “Frequent social activity may help to prevent or delay cognitive decline in old age.” Bryan James, PhD.

  Visiting friends, attending parties, and going to church will help keep your brain healthy. Bryan James and his team tested seniors over a five-year period and found that those who spent more time in social activities reduced their rate of cognitive decline by 47%. Social activity included playing bingo, trips with friends, volunteer activities, visiting relatives or friends, participating in groups or organizations, and going to church.

  Positive Relationships Help You Live Longer

  A nine-year study in California found that people with four types of relationships--marriage, friendships, church relationships, and informal groups--lived longer than those who did not have those strong relationship ties. Marriage and friendship were the strongest predictors. The strength of prediction increased with age.

  The Evolution of Heroes

  “It is within relationships with others that most people find meaning and purpose in their lives; that they typically experience the positive emotions of love, joy, happiness, and contentment; and that they successfully overcome the physical and psychological challenges to well-being and survival all humans encounter. “Berscheid

  In order to survive, humans had to form social groups to become more effective at hunting and gathering food, and to protect against other more dangerous individuals or groups. As a result, people who were best at forming social bonds were more likely to survive and more likely to pass down those genes to their offspring. This leads many researchers to believe that over time we have evolved to be more social, and to be happier when we are connected to other people. We are also physically healthier when we have positive relationships. We recover from disease faster and have lower blood pressure. We are biologically wired to feel good when we meet new people and to feel bad when our relationships don’t work out.

  It is instinctual for people to want to belong to a social group. Being part of a social group meant you had a better chance of survival because you had access to and shared responsibilities for food, shelter, and protection from enemies. Our ancestors found that it was easier to care for and protect children in groups, that hunting with three or four people was more successful than hunting alone, and that banding together made it easier to fight off enemies.

  Our brains are wired to be social. We use the pre-frontal cortex of our brain to simulate social situations and the impacts of our actions and decisions. For survival, we need to know what is going to keep the people in our tribe happy and functioning effectively.

  It is common for scientists to talk about an instinct for self-preservation. New research and analysis is showing that we really have an instinct for group preservation. We survived and thrived as a species because we were able to work cooperatively to gather food, grow food, and hunt food.

  There was some recognition of the importance of social relationships that caused the hunter to risk his life to kill food, yet bring it back to share with his family or tribe. A social group would be much more successful at working together to protect themselves from overly aggressive individuals who were only interested in self-preservation. Humans didn’t survive and evolve as individuals. They survived and evolved initially as small family groups, then as small tribes, and eventually as larger communities.

  Research shows that people will form social relationships without economic or other motives. We are simply internally driven to form positive relationships that provide regular social contact and a feeling of connectedness. As a result, much of our thinking has evolved around how we become part of or remain part of a social group. We interpret events, actions, and communications based on their impacts on our belonging to the group. We also form many of our responses with the reaction of our social group in mind.

  If we evolved to be social, why would we choose loneliness?

  “I can tell you without a doubt that virtually everyone I see comes to me because of some deficiency of human contact. Indeed, I am increasingly sought out because people feel lonely, isolated, or confused at work. They feel cut off.” Hallowell

  People withdraw and retreat into isolation to protect themselves. In the modern era, it is to protect themselves from negative emotions and feelings, but early on it was to protect themselves from physical dangers in the unknown world. Since they didn’t know if other people were going to take their food and resources or physically harm them, they had to remain distant, guarded, and vigilant for signs of danger. This withdrawal was accompanied by a host of negative emotions that supported their survival instincts. Once they found a group where they were safe and felt comfortable, their instincts and their supporting emotions switched gears, and they became more positive and open. Positive emotions and happiness are a reflection of a more open and social outlook. There is more trust, more venturing out to meet new people, and more comfort with characteristics that we initially thought indicated potential dangers.

  Positive relationships have many benefits, one of which is helping us avoid loneliness and its related negative consequences. Instinctually, loneliness is a sign of a harsh or dangerous environment. So loneliness automatically triggers stress levels related to increased vigilance for threat and heightened feelings of vulnerability
. Loneliness interferes with our sleep and has been shown to increase blood pressure. It increases the risk of heart attack and stroke, and impairs kidney function. Loneliness creates a downward spiral. When we are lonely our instincts compel us to find a positive relationship, because it will be safer. So we have a need as well as a desire to find a positive connection. But we also worry about being rejected, not being good enough, and not being able to handle the disappointment of not making that connection. So we don’t want be lonely, but our self-doubt prevents us from taking the risks to initiate or reignite those relations we not only crave but physically need. As humans, we need relationships because they make us feel safer and give us the opportunity to let our guard down and reduce our stress levels. It is important for our happiness and our health that we push through our social fears and self-doubt to build positive connections to other people.

  Deci and Ryan developed a theory of human motivation called the Self Determination Theory, or SDT for short. They determined that well-being results when a person’s needs for autonomy, competence, and relatedness are met. Relatedness is the feeling of being connected to other people in a positive manner. Feeling connected helps motivate us to do more in our lives. For example, children are more likely to venture out and explore if they feel a strong connection to their parents. Relatedness helps us feel more secure to move outside of our comfort zone. The research showed that children were more intrinsically motivated when their teachers were warm and caring and paid attention to their work.