by Ray White
Good news is an opportunity for someone close to you to share their excitement about big and small accomplishments. People who are really good with children do this naturally. When a child walks up and proudly shows them how they tied their own shoe or finished a puzzle with six pieces, they get noticeably excited and share their feeling of accomplishment with the child. It is a celebration for something that may seem small to an adult observer, but the children love it. They work to find more accomplishments they can show off. When we become adults, we don’t lose that need or that desire to share our great news and little wins with other people. We look for that joyous feeling and sense of accomplishment. So how we handle those opportunities in a relationship is important. Dismissing them as menial or something that should have already been accomplished takes away that joy. So does talking over their news and telling them about our lives, because we just can’t wait to get it out. Taking time to appreciate, compliment, and celebrate their little successes and news is just as important for adults as it is for children. Those close connections are formed in the small interactions around good news and small accomplishments. These small acts show them that we value them, and that what happens in their lives is important to us.
Remember the things they have told you about and ask them about the outcomes. Check in to find out how things went. If they took the time to tell you about it, it had some kind of a special meaning or importance to them. Follow up in a positive and participatory manner to show them they matter to you.
In later chapters we will talk about finding our purpose. Supporting someone else’s purpose or dreams is another great way to nurture a relationship. The more your partner feels like you are an integral part of his or her purpose and dreams, the closer the connection you will form. We all have something we are striving for or wish we could strive for. We seek out the company of those who will help us get there and avoid the people who interfere or don’t believe in our ability to one day fulfill our dreams.
Smile More
“A smile is the shortest distance between two people.” Victor Borge
One way to improve your close relationships as well as those in your extended network is to smile more. Smiling is the original example of something going viral. When you smile, other people catch it and they spread it to more people.
Ron Gotman, in his “Ted Talk, The Hidden Power of Smiling” video, talks about smiling being a built-in mechanism to help us determine how safe another person is. It also gives us the opportunity to quickly determine their emotions. Researchers who suppressed a subject’s ability to smile found they also reduced their ability to read the emotions of others. We automatically mimic someone’s smile to determine its authenticity. Smiling is like our internal radar. We send out a smile, and they send a smile back. We mimic that smile and automatically interpret the results. The results enable us to intuitively know whether this person is friend or foe and what kind of mood they are in.
One research study showed that by measuring the smiles of people in their yearbook photos, scientists could predict how long-lasting and fulfilling their lives would be, how they would score on measures of well-being, and how inspiring they would be to others. Other researchers found that measuring smile intensity on a Facebook profile could predict the life satisfaction of college students three-and-a-half years later.
Research has also shown that smiling sends positive messages to the emotional centers in the brain. So by forcing our faces to smile, we can activate the areas of our brain that make us feel better. In other words, we don’t just smile as a result of being happy; smiling actually makes us happier. Smiling also increases mood-enhancing hormones like endorphins and decreases stress-inducing hormones like cortisol, so you become healthier as well as happier. Smiling makes you more attractive to other people and has been correlated with a longer life.
Babies are born smiling. Children smile more than adults. As we get older, we start finding reasons not to smile. We are often so busy trying to be successful and so caught up in being disappointed by the world’s lack of perfection and cooperation with our pursuit of success, that we believe we have a lot of reasons not to smile. Stop for a moment and consider this: what would you say if a child asked you why you don’t smile a lot? Although your answer may be serious and real, is it really a good reason not to smile?
Hugs
Somehow in our politically correct world, touching people has become associated with negative consequences. We are overly cautious about offending someone or invading their space. Positive relationships are enhanced by appropriate touch. In other words, we must respect boundaries; but we can also reach out with appropriate gestures like a handshake, a pat on the shoulder, or a touch of the elbow. In our more connected relationships and with those people who are more comfortable with touch, we can add various levels of hugs and embraces, or even light kisses on the cheek. Touch is good for connection, and it is good for us physically. Touch is a physical need, just as sleep and exercise are. One study showed that premature babies who were kept in a ward where they were touched more grow more, both mentally and physically. They found premature babies who were touched for 45 minutes a day put on 47% more weight than those who weren’t. These babies also showed better cognitive development several months later. A tragic experiment also took place in 1989 under Ceausescu, the dictator in Romania. He took children away from dissidents and raised them in group homes where they did not receive any touch. Touch deprivation resulted in stunted physical and cognitive development. There is a famous quote by Virginia Satir, who was known as the “Mother of Family Therapy,” that “we need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth.”
In our personal relationships, touch is a requirement to feel closer and to improve communication with the other person. Touch, and specifically hugs, help us build trust with the other person. Hugs have also been shown to improve memory. They reduce stress and provide a feeling of safety. This is not just an emotional reaction; it is also a physical one. Hugs release oxytocin, which is like a relationship hormone. It is found in increased levels between moms and their newborn babies and in people with positive romantic relationships. Hugging also increases serotonin levels, which helps us feel happier and more relaxed. Hugs help improve the immune system and the production of white blood cells, and they help us release tension.
Hugs are another way of communicating the importance of people in our lives. Hugging sends the message that they are important to us and matter in our lives. Hugs open us up when we are feeling constrained and up tight. It gives us permission to start a dialogue about what is bothering us and opens up channels of communication. Have you ever seen someone so tense from emotional challenges that they looked like they were about to burst? Then with just a hug, the flood gates open and their emotions come pouring out? Hugs create the opening to release the pressure that has been building up.
Remember, hugs are a gift that give much more than we realize. But they are still a gift that some people might not want to receive. So offer hugs often, but only follow through if the other person wants to accept your gift.
Activity
1.Try to give eight hugs per day. Hugging releases oxytocin, which helps you feel even more connected to people.
2.Keep a post-it note on your desk, write the name of each person you hugged, and share your list with others. Sometimes at dinner my daughter will review her hugs from that day. We all enjoy listening to and thinking about who got and gave the hugs.
Be Mindful
When you are with someone, be mindful of them and what they are communicating. What are they trying to get across? Do they want you to learn something? Do they just need to get something off their chest? Are they genuinely interested in your opinion or learning about your experiences? Are they sending a different message with their facial expressions and body language than what is being expressed through their voice? Are they interested and engaged, or are they distracted b
y something else in their lives? Are they leaning in with intensity or are they leaning back and very relaxed? What are they doing with their hands? Is their smile genuine or forced? Look deep into their eyes. What are their eyes telling you? Take time to be thoughtful and think through what they are saying. Focus on their message by being mindful and observing the whole person. Be fully engaged with them rather than letting your mind wander to everything else in your life or environment. If you are mindful with the people you interact with, they will seek you out and want to talk to you. People want to talk to and spend time with someone they believe will listen and pay attention to them and what they are saying.
Be Authentic
"Be real. Try to do what you say, say what you mean, be what you seem." Marian Wright Edelman
The research we have discussed so far overwhelmingly shows that positive relationships contribute to your happiness. In order to develop and maintain those positive relationships, it is important that we are authentic. Positive relationships require disclosure about who we are. We have to share our personal hopes and fears. Two different studies found that relationships are closer when people share their personal feelings and challenges. It is about opening up and sharing who you are, the good and the bad, as opposed to simply talking about the weather. It is funny how we are most guarded with the people we are most eager to meet. Going out on a date or meeting with someone we have a tremendous amount of respect for causes us to be on our best behavior and do everything we can to hide our flaws. We go to what sometimes seem like ridiculous lengths to make sure the other person doesn’t meet the real us. Usually, that is because we think if they do see the real us, they won’t like us. Brene Brown says we are the “most in debt, addicted, obese, overmedicated adult cohort in US History.” We think we can selectively numb ourselves. But when we numb the pain, we also numb the joy. Yet, when asked about our closest relationships, we often explain they are people we can be ourselves with. They are people who accept us for who we are. They are people with whom we can experience our full range of emotions. I am not suggesting we should show bad behavior or flaunt our flaws when we meet someone new. It is a good idea to make a great first impression. But we should be careful not to overdo the act and pretend to be someone we are not. It can be fun, mysterious, and probably even wise to reveal our secrets and more in-depth thoughts and feelings a little at a time. It is probably a good strategy to show our best qualities first and let them learn about our lesser qualities later. But it is important not to step over the line and pretend to be something we are not. We should be authentic and proud of who we really are, and let that new person decide if they like the real us; if they don’t, it is their loss and not ours. Dare to be vulnerable. Be authentic.
Chapter 13
Give 100% and Expect Nothing in Return
The100/0 Principle
“Some of the biggest challenges in relationships come from the fact that most people enter a relationship in order to get something: They’re trying to find someone who’s going to make them feel good. In reality, the only way a relationship will last is if you see your relationship as a place that you go to give, and not a place you go to take.” Anthony Robbins
A foundational element to creating and improving positive relationships is a concept Al Ritter writes about called the 100/0 Principle. Most of us go into a relationship believing that it should be a 50/50 distribution of commitment. The assumption is that two people giving half each adds up to a 100% commitment to the relationship. As long as everything is even, then it will be a great relationship. The challenge is, 50/50 doesn’t work a lot of the time. If one person is giving 50% but the other person is only giving 30% because of some challenge they are having that may or may not be related to the relationship, the relationship suffers. We all experience situations where someone has had a bad day, is stressed from work, or has something going on in a different relationship that makes them not want to or unable to participate in your relationship. When that happens, do you just ignore them, or do you put forth a little more effort to comfort and empathize with them? For most of us, the answer is that we reach out to them. We give more than our 50%, because we know that is what the relationship needs. We put out extra effort, and we feel good doing it. We inherently know that it is much better to extend ourselves than to let the relationship lapse. It makes us feel better, and it makes the other person feel better.
Now let’s look at that from the other side. How do you feel when someone reaches out to you? When they give 70% or 80% because you are just not able to give right now? Think of a time when life was really bad for you and someone was there to support and help you. For most of us, that is a person we describe as a real friend. “She was there for me when I needed her most.” Often, it is not even the person we thought it would be. What did that person ask for in return? What did he or she want from you in return for being there and giving you the extra love and attention you needed? Most likely, the answer is nothing. That person just felt good about it and gave what he or she felt you needed, and the reward was being able to give.
So if it is good to give a little extra, if that is how we define our “true” friends, and if giving extra makes us feel good and more connected, what if we became that person? What if we became that person in all of our important relationships? What if we became the person who gave what people needed and expected nothing in return, because the reward was in the giving?
That is the key to the 100/0 Principle and to great relationships. We give 100% and we expect nothing in return. They can give 0% and we will still be there for them, because we want to give and because we believe that relationship is important. How would the people in our relationships react? How did you react when your friend gave more than 50%? You were grateful beyond measure, and you were willing to give your friend more than 50% whenever he or she needed it. As a matter of fact, you probably looked forward to the opportunity when you could give back. As a result, the most likely scenario is that both people will end up giving more than 50% to the relationship, and it will thrive.
If we give 100% and expect nothing in return, how many of our relationships would be successful? The answer is, all of them. Every single one will work, because we are 100% committed and the other person doesn’t have to do anything. We have no expectations that they will call us, or bring us flowers, or remember our birthdays, or behave in any particular way. So we never have a reason be disappointed in them and they don’t feel pressure to be someone different from who they are. Most likely, and even though we are okay if they don’t, they will respond in kind. They will appreciate our efforts, and they will give more than 0%--and often more than 50% back to the relationship.
How good would you feel if you took control of all your relationships? If you had the opportunity to give to people unconditionally? If you had no expectations and therefore could not be disappointed, but instead had true appreciation and gratitude for everything the other person did? How good would you feel if you knew you were the person that people said “She likes me for me. She lets me be myself and loves me for it.” By following Al Ritter’s 100/0 Principle, you can be that person.
Why does it work? Not having our expectations met is one of the biggest challenges to relationships. We spend time thinking and planning how we are going to make someone happy. We put ourselves out there and become more vulnerable than we may be comfortable with. Often we don’t communicate our expectations, or if we do communicate them, the other person doesn’t agree to them or doesn’t remember, understand, or focus on them. As a result, their reaction is not what we expected. Our actions don’t make the other person as happy as we had hoped, or they don’t do the things we wanted them to do, so we are disappointed. Our natural reaction to our disappointment is to communicate to the other person how they should behave next time, so they will meet our expectations. Now they are disappointed. They want to be accepted for who they are, and they don’t want to have to think about how to react when they are aroun
d us, especially when they don’t understand the rules. As a result, the relationship becomes stressed and uncomfortable.
We can change that by giving 100% and having zero expectations. Whatever reaction they choose is ok. We appreciate any positive reaction and are not upset that it did not meet our dreams of the perfect reaction. They are happy, or at least contented, with our gesture and hopefully appreciate our acceptance of them. The relationship stays strong.
The 100/0 Principle takes discipline to implement. We have developed habits throughout our lives to protect our feelings and to protect how we think about ourselves. We often spend our early years and well into our teens getting what we want. When we cry or get upset, our parents try to comfort us. In middle school and high school, our friends and first loves forgive our outbursts and demanding nature. So we develop bad habits and expectations that other people will change and adapt for us. We lose track of the positive feelings created by giving, because our hormones and other factors create a world where we are focused only on fulfilling our own needs. We incorrectly start to believe that getting is what will make us happy. It takes focus and discipline to discover that fulfillment in the relationship comes from what we can give rather than what we can get. The good news is that it becomes a virtuous circle. The more we give, the better we feel, which makes us want to give more. It is hard to practice and remember during times of stress, but those times happen less and less often as we become happier from sharing more and more of ourselves.