by Ray White
Practicing the 100/0 Principle requires us to move from judging other people to accepting them. We have to treat everyone with dignity and respect, no matter what we believe their shortcomings are. By judging other people, we give ourselves permission, either consciously or unconsciously, to treat them poorly. We place ourselves on a level higher than the person we are judging. Instead of judging, we can observe their behavior and choose what we would or would not do in those situations. We can choose to act differently without judging them as good or bad people, or as worthy or unworthy of our efforts.
The word “should” is one of the most toxic words to positive relationships. I have seen people drive themselves crazy in work and personal relationships focusing on what someone else “should” have done. “Should” is a judgment that requires us to believe someone else thinks, believes, and understands all circumstances exactly the way we do. We all know that is impossible. We like people because they are similar to us and have similar values; but they all come from different environments, cultures, backgrounds, and parents. So they are going to evaluate a situation differently than we do. If we change our language to “we ask” or “we would like,” then we own it instead of making a judgment or blaming it on them. “Should” is a great warning sign. If you are thinking about what someone “should” have done, then you are not practicing zero expectations; and your relationships will suffer.
There is a difference between not having any expectations, which can make our relationships better, and hiding or not sharing our expectations, which will strain our relationships. If we are repressing our expectations, they will fester and create problems down the road. So how do you handle those expectations? You know it would be better for the relationship if you didn’t have them, you just don’t know how to let them go. Focus on what you like and appreciate about the other person. Why do you like being around them? How do they make you feel? What do you admire about them? What are the great things they do for you? Focusing on the positive and what you appreciate will help you let go of what they don’t have or are not doing.
There is a line between not having expectations and allowing someone to abuse us. Giving us flowers, fixing us dinner, remembering our birthdays, or turning off the TV to talk to us, are expectations of things that people do for us. We can eliminate these expectations and improve our relationships. But we can’t eliminate the expectation that other people will treat us with respect and dignity and not do harm or negative things to us. The key differentiation is the distinction between what people do “for us,” which is good and which we should allow them to control, and what people do “to us” in a negative form, which is against us or could hurt us. Our tolerance level for verbal, physical, or any other kind of abuse should be something close to zero. For example, we may not like that someone around us uses curse words in their language, but that is their choice. We should not start setting expectations that they can or can’t curse. We could choose to be around it or not, and we can communicate to them how we feel about cursing. But they get to choose whether or not they want to curse. If someone is cursing at us in an abusive way, our tolerance level changes. They are doing something negative “to us” and causing us harm, and we need to immediately remove ourselves from that situation and spend a lot less time with that person.
Always keep in mind that we are talking about giving freely. Giving freely is never painful. We give because we want to and we are excited to share ourselves and our feelings. Giving 100% does not mean we give someone our car when we need that car to get to work. Giving means we help them find a ride or we give them a ride, not that we sacrifice our own happiness and success for theirs. Building positive relationships means building something that works for both parties and leaves both parties better off.
As we mentioned before, one skill for creating positive relationships is the art of forgiveness. Often, when we feel we have been wronged or treated unfairly by another person, we choose to hold onto that feeling and simmer in it. We even share it with other people so we can marinate in it together and be mutually offended by the action. Most likely, the offense was that the other person did not meet our expectations.
They did not do what we thought they “should” do or hoped they would do. We believe they have purposely hurt us because they “should” know or they “should” have acted differently. They may feel they were in the right, not care that you are offended, or most likely be completely oblivious to how you feel. So we simmer in our disappointment and sometimes let it churn into anger and hate. We not only put unnecessary stress on the relationship, but we may even cut them out of our lives completely. The challenge is, the feelings are all within us. The other person is not feeling the same pain we are, and may not be feeling any pain at all. The saying that we are “taking poison and expecting the other person to die” is applicable here. We are wallowing in our anger, hatred, and disappointment, and they are continuing to live their lives. They either don’t know they hurt us or wish they hadn’t hurt us, but there is nothing they can do to change our feelings. That responsibility is within us. By forgiving them, we can reclaim that relationship. By allowing them to be who they are with all their faults and challenges, we allow ourselves to stop “taking the poison” and to once again enjoy and strengthen the relationship. Practice forgiveness. Make it the solution that replaces your disappointment, anger, and hatred.
“Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” Stephen R. Covey
One step to finding the ability to forgive is asking questions. We often create a running dialogue in our heads about what is going on, what happened, what the other person did, and why they did it. We make assumptions and jump to conclusions; and because of our strong emotions, we jump to the conclusion that we are right. Since we feel this anger or disappointment so strongly, we must know why they acted that way. Try to turn that internal discussion about the facts to a series of questions. “They love me; why would they act that way?” “Why would they make that statement?” “What is going on in their lives that would cause them to have that reaction?” Once we start to ask questions and dig deeper into the real cause of the pain, we often find the answers are not as obvious or clear as we had originally assumed. Many times the reactions are based on events and feelings that are completely separate from the interaction we are focused on. If we understand them, we can forgive them and move on. The relationship will stay stronger.
Another benefit of the 100/0 Principle is that it helps you realize you are in control of your relationships. You get to choose to make them work and what you will give to them. You also get to choose which relationships you want to give your energy to. Some relationships, like friends, we choose and develop; while others, like family, we are anointed with. So how do you make a family relationship, which you can’t sever except in the most extreme cases, work for you? The answer is “thumbs-up” and “thumbs-down.” You may not get to pick those family relationships, but you can choose how much time and energy to put into them. When you have an interaction with a difficult family member and you have given 100% with zero expectations, but they still create an atmosphere that is mostly negative, that is a “thumbs down” experience. As a result you will choose not to spend as much time with them, or to implement a longer period of time before you interact with them again. You don’t have to be angry, disappointed, or upset; just choose a different schedule. If you interact with them and it is a “thumbs up,” meaning most of the interaction was good, you can choose to see them more often and for longer periods of time. Regulate your schedule of interaction with a “thumbs up” for more time or a “thumbs down” for less time, rather than being upset or cutting them out of your life completely.
Holidays are a great time to practice the 100/0 principle. We spend time with those friends and family members whom we may not have as much fondness for. We can re-hash all the baggage and problems and let them push our buttons. We can dread the encounters and go over and over in our heads how horrible it w
ill be or what catastrophic scenarios could occur, or we can forgive them for all of their past transgressions and accept who they are with no expectations for better behavior. If we give them a chance with an open mind, we might be surprised by how pleasant they can be; and if things start to go south, we can excuse ourselves and go spend time with the family members we are more able to accept and appreciate.
Perfection and Apologies
We are human beings, so we are not perfect. We can’t always give 100% and make all our important relationships work. As a matter of fact, it is difficult to get it right more than 50% of the time. Relationships are emotionally charged and full of surprises and difficult moments. But that doesn’t mean we give up. We try to be the best person we can be today, and then we build from there. When we make mistakes, we forgive ourselves, apologize to the other person, and work on doing better. It is hard to apologize, because the other person always had some form of involvement in what went wrong and we don’t want to move forward without them recognizing their role. But that is counterproductive and doesn’t fit with the 100/0 Principle. We are giving 100%, so we have to own it and apologize for our actions, no matter what the other person does. Over the years we will improve and get better, but we will always have times when we are imperfect and we need to forgive ourselves, apologize, and try to do better. Knowing we will be wrong and will fail sometimes will also help us accept those missteps in everyone else. We can forgive them, help them forgive themselves, support them, and help them move forward.
Don’t give up. The 100/0 Principle will not feel natural at first. You will have to work at it, and you might not see results immediately. But if you have the patience to stick with it, you will begin to feel differently about yourself and your relationships; and those feelings will motivate you to do more and more. Once giving 100% becomes natural rather than forced, you will start to notice other people appreciating what you are doing, and reciprocating.
“Life is an echo – what you send out comes back.” Chinese Proverb
Activity
1.List your important relationships.
2.What can you give to those relationships?
3.List your weak, challenged, or severed relationships that would be important if they worked. What can you apologize for? (It doesn’t matter who is at fault. What matters is the relationship.) What can you give to that relationship? Remember to use the “thumbs up”/“thumbs down” guidelines.
4.List at least three positive points about this person.
5.What are your expectations? Can you let go of them?
6.What are your unmet expectations?
7.What are your judgments about this person? How can you accept them anyway?
8.What are your questions about how the other person feels or why they are acting the way they are?
Chapter 14
Work Relationships
“…work relationships are central, not only for how work gets done, but also for the quality of our lives.” Dutton and Ragins
Not only are relationships important for happiness in our personal lives, they are also important for happiness at work. For most people, happiness at work includes dynamic interpersonal relationships, which include ongoing respect and recognition for accomplishing something meaningful for the team or company. Given that most of us spend 50% or more of our waking hours at work, it would be impossible to ignore the impact of relationships in that area of our lives. In the past, relationships at work have been a taboo subject because of how complicated they are and how complicated they can make productivity and work life in general when they go from good to bad, which seems to happen often.
Unfortunately, relationships are a vital part of our work lives and productivity, and ignoring their existence is no longer productive. Our best solution is to understand the nature of work relationships and teach employees and team members how to create and sustain positive relationships. Most everything we do at work runs more smoothly when we have positive relationships and the related support at work. In the workplace, happy people receive more emotional and task support than less happy people. We can get more done because we have team members who can add knowledge or lend a hand. We are happier because we have people to commiserate with and to discuss and test our feelings with. Our relationships with vendors and clients determines our ability to bring new ideas and get raises and promotions. In the age of the knowledge worker, having other people to help us focus and expand our knowledge allows us to be more productive and more creative.
Most of this book addresses you, the individual. As we talk about workplace happiness, let’s get into the mindset of you the informal leader, you the team leader, you the supervisor, and even you the executive or organizational leader. Take the perspective of what you can change about you, but also what you can change within your team or organization. I have personally witnessed small actions by individuals ripple through teams and organizations and become rituals and defining characteristics. We had a team member whose sister taught at a school full of lower income students. Her and her sister’s idea to rally our team to help those children around Christmas became a defining example for our company and for many of our careers.
It helped us realize what we could do to help someone else, and it also clarified what was really important to us as individuals and as an organization. There are many examples of people sharing their passions, leading by example, and just showing their caring side to others in the workplace and creating a positive ripple effect throughout the organization. This can be something as small as bringing in cupcakes, organizing a walking club, or inviting a group to happy hour.
Working with and for people you like will have a short-term and longterm effect on your cardiovascular system, in the form of lower heart rate and lower blood pressure. Research has shown that positive relationships help people learn faster, because they have a safe environment in which to learn. If they are worried about how the group will react to failures and mistakes, they will not venture out of their comfort zone and take new risks. If, on the other hand, they feel supported by their peers, they will explore new areas and help increase the knowledge level of the entire organization.
How you feel can affect your team members. Gallup’s research of 1,740 people across 105 teams found that one team member’s happiness can increase by as much as 20% over a 6-month period if their other team members are happier. It is a virtuous circle, in that each team member has a positive effect on the other. Happier supervisors who are trusted by their employees can increase their employees’ happiness by as much as a 15% over a 6-month period. Employees who agreed that they could connect with their supervisor or someone at work were more productive, contributed more to profits, and were significantly more likely to stay with their company longterm.
Research shows it is better to sit in large groups at lunch during work, because you will be connected to more people and more areas of the organization. The more diverse the group, the higher are your chances of success. The diversity makes you more innovative and productive. Having a group you can trust to share your positive and negative feelings with is important. It provides an outlet for negative feelings as well as a source for productive information exchange. It also doesn’t have to be limited to lunch. Bumping into people in the hallway and at the coffee machine can result in similar connections. Maintaining a few high-quality, high-contact connections is key, but don’t overlook expanding your secondary network to a larger and more diversified group.
Results of a Gallup-Healthways poll showed that the two best determinants of job satisfaction are having a good boss and having a best friend at work. A good boss is defined as one who is approachable, provides regular feedback, establishes clear requirements, delegates, practices good listening, offers recognition, is trustworthy, and considers your best interest.
Our relationship with our supervisor is the number one predictor of our willingness to stay in our jobs. Research indicates that the supervisor can influence the employee
’s job satisfaction based on what he or she communicates about the job. In one study, supervisors in one group told their employees how difficult and involved a job was, while in another group they did not make any special comments. Both groups of employees did the same job, but the group whose supervisor made the comments felt like the job was more involved; and they were more satisfied than the group that heard no such comments. Research by Eisenberger and colleagues confirmed that “employees who believed that the supervisor valued their contributions and cared about their well-being” stayed at companies longer and had more faith in their company.
As individuals, if we want to enjoy going to work every day, we can find ways to improve our relationships with our supervisors. As organizations, we can recognize the influence our supervisors have on the happiness of our employees, their retention, and their productivity, and emphasize programs that help them become more aware and supportive of their team members. We can create an environment of accountability and building on strengths to increase success, rather than an environment of policing and constantly focusing on the failures.
Our antiquated management models were built to manage people’s butts and hands. Their purpose was to make sure their butts were in their chairs or at their stations on time and that their hands were continuously busy with their assigned task. Now, in the age of the knowledge worker, we need to change our management practices to focus on managing people’s brains. We need them to be engaged, excited, and creative. We want them using their resources to solve the challenges of the company. I have spent the majority of my career in companies that do not produce anything tangible. My companies have always provided some kind of service or digital product. As a result, we are completely dependent on our employees’ brains rather than their butts and hands. Unfortunately, many supervisors believe we should focus on what time the employees sit down in their chairs rather than how much work is produced. A person can sit in a chair for a long time and not produce anything. We need people whose brain is engaged and focused. It is imperative that we create positive, trusting relationships and healthy environments that provide opportunities for what Daniel Pink calls mastery, purpose, and autonomy. We have to teach our supervisors how to manage their brains instead of their butts.