by Monty Python
Generals: Fantastic.
Cut to a Colonel talking to camera.
Colonel: All through the winter of '43 we had translators working, in joke-proof conditions, to try and produce a German version of the joke. They worked on one word each for greater safety. One of them saw two words of the joke and spent several weeks in hospital· But apart from that things went pretty quickly, and we soon had the joke by January, in a form which our troops couldn't understand but which the Germans could.
(Cut to a trench in the Ardennes· Members of the joke brigade are crouched holding pieces of paper with the joke on them.)
Voice Over: So, on July 8th, I944, the joke was first told to the enemy in the Ardennes...
Commanding NCO: Tell the ... joke.
Joke Brigade: (together) Wenn ist das Nunstrück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!
(Pan out of the British trench across war-torn landscape and come to rest where presumably the German trench is. There is a pause and then a group of Germans rear up in hysterics.)
Voice Over: It was a fantastic success. Over sixty thousand times as powerful as Britain's great pre-war joke ...Cut to a film of Chamberlain brandishing the 'Peace in our time' bit of paper ... and one which Hider just couldn't match.
Film of Hitler rally. Hitler speaks; subtitles are superimposed.
SUBTITLE: 'MY DOG'S GOT NO NOSE'
A young soldier responds:
SUBTITLE: HOW DOES HE SMELL?
Hitler speaks:
SUBTITLE: AWFUL'
Voice Over: In action it was deadly.
(Cut to a small squad with rifles making their way through forest. Suddenly one of them sees something and gives signal at which they all dive for cover. From the cover of a tree he reads out joke.)
Corporal: Wenn ist das Nunstrück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! .. Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!
(Sniper falls laughing out of tree.)
Joke Brigade: (charging) Wenn ist das Nunstrück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput.
(They chant the joke. Germans are put to fight laughing, some dropping to ground.)
Voice Over: The German casualties were appalling.
(Cut to a German hospital and a ward full of casualties still laughing hysterically.
Cut to Nazi interrogation room. An officer from the joke bngade has a light shining in his face. A Gestapo officer is interrogating him; another stands behind him.)
Nazi: Vott is the big joke?
Officer: I can only give you name, rank, and why did the chicken cross the road?
Nazi: That's not funny! (slaps him) I vant to know the joke.
Officer: All right. How do you make a Nazi cross?
Nazi: (momentarily fooled) I don't know ... how do you make a Nazi cross?
Officer: Tread on his corns. (does so; the Nazi hops in pain)
Nazi: Gott in Hiramell That's not funny! (mimes cuffing him while the other Nazi claps his hands to provide the sound effect) Now if you don't tell me the joke, I shall hit you properly.
Officer: I can stand physical pain, you know.
Nazi: Ah ... you're no fun. All right, Otto.
(Otto starts tickling the officer who starts laughing,)
Officer: Oh no - anything but that please no, all fight I'll tell you.
(They stop tickling him)
Nazi: Quick Otto. The typewriter.
(Otto goes to the typewriter and they wait expectantly. The officer produces piece of paper out of his breast pocket and reads.)
Officer: Wenn ist das Nunstrück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput.
(Otto at the typewriter explodes with laughter and dies.)
Nazi: Ach! Zat iss not funny!
(Nazi burts into laughter and dies. A German guard bursts in with machine gun, The British officer leaps on the table.)
Officer: (lightning speed) Wenn ist das Nunstrück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! .. Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput.
(The guard reels back and collapses laughing. British officer makes his escape. Cut to a film of German scientists working in laboratories.)
Voice Over: But at Peenemunde in the Autumn of '44, the Germans were working on a joke of their own.
(A German general is seated at an imposing desk. Behind him stands Otto, labelled 'A Different Gestapo Officer'. Bespectacled German scientist/joke writer enters room. He clean his throat and reads from card.)
German Joker: Die ist ein Kinnerhunder und zwei Mackel über und der bitte schön ist den Wunderhaus sprechensie. 'Nein' sprecht der Herren 'Ist aufern borger mit zveitingen'.
He finishes and looks hopeful.
Otto: We let you know.
(He shoots him.
Film of German scientists.)
Voice Over: But by December their joke was ready, and Hitler gave the order for the German V-Joke to be broadcast in English.
(Cut to 1940's wartime radio set with couple anxiously listening to it.)
Radio: (crackly German voice) Der ver zwei peanuts, valking down der strasse, and von vas... assaulted! peanut. Ho-ho-ho-ho.
(Radio bunts into 'Deutschland Über Alles'. The couple look at each other and then in blank amazement at the radio. Cut to modern BBC 2 interview. The commentator in a woodland glade.)
Commentator (Eric Idle): In 1945 Peace broke out. It was the end of the Joke. Joke warfare was banned at a special session of the Geneva Convention, and in I950 the last remaining copy of the joke was laid to rest here in the Berkshire countryside, never to be told again.
(He walks away revealing a monument on which is written: 'To the unknown Joke'. Camera pulls away slowly through idyllic setting. Patriotic music reaches crescendo.)
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Flying Sheep
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 2
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About the Sketch:
Not only did this sketch appear in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 2, it was also performed on their Album - Monty Python's Flying Circus'.
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The cast:
TOURIST
Terry Jones
SHEPHERD
Graham Chapman
VOICE OVER
Eric Idle
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The sketch:
(Opening Scene : A tourist dressed in a business suit approaches a shepherd. The sounds of sheep and the outdoors are heard.)
Tourist: Good afternoon.
Shepherd: Afternoon
Tourist: Ah, lovely day isn't it?
Shepherd: Eh, 'tis that.
Tourist: You here on holiday?
Shepherd: Nope, I live 'ere.
Tourist: Oh, good for you. Uh...those ARE sheep aren't they?
Shepherd: Yeh.
Tourist: Hmm, thought they were. Only, what are they doing up in the trees?
Shepherd: A fair question and one that in recent weeks 'as been much on my mind. It's my considered opinion that they're nestin'.
Tourist: Nesting?
Shepherd: Aye.
Tourist: Like birds?
Shepherd: Exactly. It's my belief that these sheep are laborin' under the misapprehension that they're birds. Observe their be'avior. Take for a start the sheeps' tendency to 'op about the field on their 'ind legs. Now witness their attmpts to fly from tree to tree. Notice that they do not so much fly as...plummet.
(Baaa baaa... flap flap flap... whoosh... thud.)
Tourist: Yes, but why do they think they're birds?
Shepherd: Another fair question. One thing is for sure, the sheep is not a creature of the air. They have enormous difficulty in the comparatively simple act of perchin'. (Baaa baaa... flap flap flap... whoosh... thud.) Trouble is, sheep are very dim. Once they get an idea in their 'eads, there's no shiftin' it.
Tourist: But where did they get the idea?
Shepherd: From Harold. He's that
most dangerous of creatures, a clever sheep. 'e's realized that a sheep's life consists of standin' around for a few months and then bein' eaten. And that's a depressing prospect for an ambitious sheep.
Tourist: Well why don't just remove Harold?
Shepherd: Because of the enormous commercial possibilities if 'e succeeds.
Voice Over : And what exactly are the commercial possibilities of ovine aviation?
(Continued in the Sketch - French lecture on Sheep Aircraft)
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French lecture on Sheep-aircraft
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 2
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The cast:
FIRST FRENCHMAN
John Cleese
SECOND FRENCHMAN
Michael Palin
FIRST PEPPERPOT
Graham Chapman
SECOND PEPPERPOT
Terry Jones
THIRD PEPPERPOT
Michael Plain
FOURTH PEPPERPOT
John Cleese
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The sketch:
(Two Frenchmen stand in front of a diagram of a sheep adapted for flying. They speak rapidly in French, much of it pseudo.)
First Frenchman: (JOHN) Bonsoir - ici nous avons les diagrammes modernes d'un mouton anglo-français ... maintenant ... baa-aa, baa-aa... nous avons, dans la tête, le cabinc. Ici, on se trouve le petit capitaine Anglais, Monsieur Trubshawe.
Second Frenchman: Vive Brian, wherever you are.
First Frenchman: D'accord, d'accord. Maintenant, je vous présente mon collègue, le pour célèbre, Jean-Brian Zatapathique.
(Transfers his moustache to Second Frenchman)
Second Frenchman Maintenant, le mouton ... le landing ... les wheels, bon.
(Opens diagram to show wheels on sheep's legs.)
First Frenchman: Bon, les wheels, ici.
Second Frenchman C'est formidable, n'est ce pas ... (unintelligibly indicates motor at rear of sheep)
First Frenchman: Les voyageurs ... les bagages ... ils sont ... ici!
(Triumphantly opens the rest of the diagram to reveal the whole brilliant arrangement. They run round flapping their arms and baa-ing. Cut to pepperpots in supermarket with off-screen interviewer.)
First Pepperpot: Oh yes, we get a lot of French people round here.
Second Pepperpot: Ooh Yes.
Third Pepperpot: All over yes.
Interviewer: And how do you get on with these French people?
First Pepperpot: Oh very well.
Fourth Pepperpot: So do I.
Third Pepperpot: Me too.
First Pepperpot: Oh yes 1 like them. I mean, they think well don't they? I mean, be fair- Pascal.
Second Pepperpot: Blaise Pascal.
Third Pepperpot: Jean-Paul Sartre.
First Pepperpot: Yes, Voltaire.
Second Pepperpot: Ooh! - Rend Descartes.
(Reni Descartes is sitting thinking. Bubbles come from his head with 'thinks '. Suddenly he looks happy. In a thought bubble appears 'I THINK THEREFORE I AM '. A large hand comes into picture with a pin and pricks the thought bubble. It deflates and disappears. After a second, Reni disappears too.)
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The Man With Three Buttocks
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 2
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About the Sketch:
Not only did this sketch appear in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 2, it was also performed on their Album - Monty Python's Flying Circus' under the name More Television Interviews/Arthur Frampton.
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The cast:
ANNOUNCER
Eric Idle
HOST
John Cleese
ARTHUR FRAMPTON
Terry Jones
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The sketch:
Announcer: And now for something completely different. A man with three buttocks!
Host : I have with me Mr Arthur Frampton who... (pause) Mr. Frampton, I understand that you - um - as it were... (pause) Well let me put it another way. Erm, I believe that whereas most people have - er - two... Two.
Frampton: Oh, sure.
Host: Ah well, er, Mr Frampton. Erm, is that chair comfortable?
Frampton: Fine, yeah, fine.
Host:Mr Frampton, er, vis a vis your... (pause) rump.
Frampton: I beg your pardon?
Host:Your rump.
Frampton: What?
Host:Er, your derriere. (Whispers) Posterior. Sit-upon.
Frampton: What's that?
Host: (whispers) Your buttocks.
Frampton: Oh, me bum!
Host: (hurriedly) Sshhh! Well now, I understand that you, Mr Frampton, have a... (pause) 50% bonus in the region of what you say.
Frampton: I got three cheeks.
Host:Yes, yes, excellent, excellent. Well we were wondering, Mr Frampton, if you could see your way clear to giving us a quick... (pause) a quick visual... (long pause). Mr Frampton, would you take your trousers down.
Frampton: What? (to cameramen) 'Ere, get that away! I'm not taking me trousers down on television. What do you think I am?
Host:Please take them down.
Frampton: No!
Host:No, er look, er Mr Frampton. It's quite easy for somebody just to come along here claiming... that they have a bit to spare in the botty department. The point is, our viewers need proof.
Frampton: I've been on Persian Radio ... Get off! Arthur Figgis knows I've got three buttocks.
Host: How?
Frarnpton: We go cycling together.
(Cut to shot of two men riding tandem. The one behind (Graham) looks down, looks up and exclaims 'strewth '.)
Announcer: (sitting at desk) And now for something completely different. A man with three buttocks.
(Interview studio again.)
Interviewer: Good evening, I have with me Mr Arthur Frampton, who.. Mr Frampton I understand that you, as it were - well let me put it another way... I believe Mr Frampton that whereas most people... didn't we do this just now?
Frampton: Er ... yes.
Interviewer: Well why didn't you say so?
Frarnpton: I thought it was the continental version.
(Cut back to Announcer sitting confidently at desk)
Announcer: And now for something completely the same - a man with three buttocks. (phone on desk rings - he answers) Hullo? ... Oh, did we. (puts phone down and looks at camera) And now for something completely different. A man with three noses.
Off-Screen Voice: He's not here yet!
Announcer: Two noses?
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A man with two noses / Musical Mice
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 2
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About the Sketch:
Not only did the sketch appear in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 2, it also featured in the Movie - 'And Now For Something Completely Different'
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The cast:
MAN WITH TWO NOSES
Graham Chapman
COMPÈRE
Michael Palin
KEN EWING
Terry Jones
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The sketch:
(Opening Scene : Stock shot of audience of Women , applauding. A man flourishing a handkerchief blows his nose. Then he puts his handkerchief inside his shin and blows again. Stock shot women applauding again.)
Compare: Ladies and gentlemen isn't she just great eh, wasn't she just Feat. Ha, ha, ha, and she can run as fast as she can sing, ha, ha, ha. And I'm telling you - 'cos I know. No, only kidding. Ha, ha, ha. Seriously now, ladies and gentlemen, we have for you one of the most unique acts in the world today. He's ... well I'll say no more, just let you see for yourselves... ladies and gentlemen, my very great privilege to introduce Arthur Ewing, and his musical mice.
Cut to Ewin
g.
Ewing: Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. Ladies and gentlemen. I have in this box twenty-three white mice. Mice which have been painstakingly trained over the past few years, to squeak at a selected pitch. (he raises a mouse by its tail) This is E sharp... and this one is G. You get the general idea. Now these mice are so arranged upon this rack, that when played in the correct order they will squeak 'The Bells of St Mary's'. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you on the mouse organ 'The Bells of St Mary's'. Thank you.
(He produces two mallets. He starts stritu'ng the mice while singing quietly 'The Bells of St Mary's. Each downward stroke of the mallet brings a terrible squashing sound and the expiring squeak. It is quite clear that he is slaughtering the mice. The musical effect is poor. After thefirst few notes people are shouting 'Stop it, stop him someone, Oh my God'. He cheerfully takes a bow. He is hauled off by the floor manager. He comes back and has a few more 'hits' before being dragged off again.)
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Marriage Guidance Counsellor
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 2
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About the Sketch:
Not only did the sketch appear in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 2, it also featured in the Movie - 'And Now For Something Completely Different'