by Monty Python
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The cast:
COUNSELLOR
Eric Idle
ARTHUR PEWTY
Michael Palin
DEIDRE PEWTY
Carol Cleveland
SOUTHERNER VOICE
John Cleese
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The sketch:
A little man enters, with a beautiful blond buxom woman dressed very scantily
Arthur: Are you the marriage guidance counsellor?
Counsellor: Yes. Good morning
Arthur: Good morning, sir
Counsellor: (stares at woman, fascinated) And good morning to you madam (pauses, shrugs himself out of staring and says to Arthur) Name?
Arthur: Mr and Mrs Arthur Pewty
Counsellor: (writes without looking down, just stares at Arthur's wife) And what is the name of your ravishing wife? (holds her hand) Wait. Don't tell me - it's something to do with moonlight - it goes with her eyes - it's soft and gentle, warm and yielding, deeply lyrical and yet tender and frightened like a tiny whit rabbit
Arthur: It's Deidre
Counsellor: Deidre. What a beautiful name. What a beautiful, beautiful name (leans across and lightly brushes his hand across Diedre's cheek) And what seems to be the trouble with your marriage Mr Pewty?
Arthur: Well, it all started about five years ago when we started going on holiday in Brighton together. Deidre, that's my wife, has always been a jolly good companion to me and I never particularly anticipated any marital strife - indeed the very idea of consulting a professional marital adviser has always been of the greatest repugnance to me although far be it from me to impugn the nature of your trade or profession
The counsellor and Arthur's wife are not listening, they are fascinated by each other
Counsellor: (realising Arthur has stopped) Do go on
Arthur: Well, as I say, we've always been good friends, sharing the interests, the gardening and so on, the model aeroplanes, the sixpenny bottle for the holiday money, and indeed twice a month settling down in the evenings doing the accounts, something which, er, Deidre, Deidre that's my wife, er, particularly looked forward to on account of her feet (the counsellor has his face very close to Diedres, so close that they could kiss) I should probably have said at the outset I'm noted for having something of a sense of humour, although I have kept myself very much to myself over the las two years notwithstanding, as it were, and it's only as comparatively recently that I began to realize - well, er prehaps realize is not the correct word, er, imagine, that I was not the only thing in her life
Counsellor: (who is practically in a clutch with Diedre) You suspected your wife?
Arthur: Well yes - at first, frankly yes (the counsellor points Diedre to a screen. She goes behind it) Her behaviour did seem at the time to me, who after all was there to see, to be a little odd
Counsellor: Odd?
Arthur: Yes well, I mean to a certain extent yes. I'm not by nature a suspicious person - far from it - though in fact I have something of a reputation as an after-dinner speaker, if you take my meaning....
A piece of Diedre's clothing comes over the top of the screen
Counsellor: Yes I certainly do
Diedre's bra and panties come over the screen
Arthur: Anyway in the area where I'm known people in fact know me extremely well....
Counsellor: (taking his jacket off) Oh yes. Would you hold this
Arthur: Certainly yes (helps him with his jacket. The counsellor continues to undress) Anyway as I said, I decided to face up to the facts and stop beating about the bush or I'd never look myself in the bathroom mirror again.
Counsellor: (stips down to his shorts) Er, look would you mind running long for ten minutes? Make it half an hour.
Arthur: No, no right-ho, fine. Yes I'll wait outside shall I?...(the cousellor has already gone behind the screen) Yes, well that's perhaps the best things. Yes. You've certainly put my mind at rest on one or two points, there.
Exits through door. Arthur is stopped by a deep southern American voice
Southener: Now ait there stranger. A man can run and run for year after year until he realizes that what he's running from ......is hisself
Arthur: Gosh
Southener: A man's got ot do what a man's got to do, and there ain't no sense in runnin'. Now you gotta turn, and you gotta fight, and you gotta hold your head up high
Arthur: Yes!
Southener: Now you go back in there my son and be a man
Arthur: Yes I will. I will!. I've been pushed around long enough. This is it. This is your monent Arthur Pewty - this is it Arthur Pewty. At last you're a man! (open the door very determined) All right, Diedre, come out of there
Counsellor: Go away
Arthur: Right. Right.
Arthur is then hit in the head with a chicken by a man in a suit of armour
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The wacky queen
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 2
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The cast:
VOICE OVER
John Cleese
TENNYSON
Michael Palin
QUEEN VICTORIA
Terry Jones
GLADESTONE
Graham Chapman
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The sketch:
(Queen Victoria Film: the texture of the film reproduces as accurately as possible an animated Victorian photograph. Queen Victoria and Gladstone are walking on the lawn in front of Osborne.)
Compare: These historic pictures of Queen Victoria, taken in 1880 at Osbome show the Queen with Gladstone. This unique film provides a rare glimpse into the private world of a woman who ruled half the earth. The commentary, recorded on the earliest wax cylinders, is spoken by Alfred Lord Tennyson, the Poet Laureate.
Tennyson: Well hello, it's the wacky Queen again! (the Queen repeatedly nudges Gladstone in the ribs and chucks him under the chin) And who's the other fella? It's Willie Gladstone! And when these two way-out wacky characters get together there's fun a-plenty. (they come up to a gardener with a hosepipe) And, uh-oh! There's a hosepipe! This means trouble for somebody! (the Queen takes the hose and kicks the gardener; he falls over) Uh-oh, Charlie Gardener's fallen for that old trick. The Queen has put him in a heap of trouble! (the Queen turns the hose on Gladstone) Uh-oh that's one in the eye for Willie! (the Queen hands Gladstone the hose) Here, you have a go! (she goes back to the tap and turns off the water) Well, doggone it, where's the water? (Gladstone examines the end of the hose; the water flow returns, spraying him) Uh-oh, there it is, all over his face! (she lifts her skirts and runs as he chases her across the lawn; next we see the Queen painting a fence,' Gladstone approaches from the other side) Well, hello, what's Britain's wacky Queen up to now? Weft, she's certainly not sitting on the fence. She's painting it. Surely nothing can go wrong here? Uh! oh, here's the PM coming back for more. (Gladstone walks into line with the end of the fence; the Queen drubs paint on him) And he certainly gets it (he takes the bucket from her and empties it over her head; she kicks him; he falls through the fence) Well, that's one way to get the housework done!
(Cut to the Queen and Gladstone having tea on the lawn. She pushes a custard pie into his face. As he retaliates the picture freezes; the camera pulls back to reveal that it is a photo on the mantelpiece of a working-class sitting room.)
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Working Class Playwright
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 2
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The cast:
MUM
Terry Jones
DAD
Graham Chapman
KEN
Eric Idle
MAN
Michael Palin
VOICE OVER
John Cleese
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The sketch:
(Opening Scene : A sitting room straight out of. H. Lawrence. Mum, wiping her hands
on her apron is ushering in a young man in a suit. They are a Northern couple.)
Mum: Oh dad... look who's come to see us... it's our Ken.
Dad: (without looking up) Aye, and about bloody time if you ask me.
Ken: Aren't you pleased to see me, father?
Mum: (squeezing his arm reassuringly) Of course he's pleased to see you, Ken, he...
Dad: All right, woman, all right I've got a tongue in my head - I'll do 'talkin'. (looks at Ken distastefully) Aye ... I like yer fancy suit. Is that what they're wearing up in Yorkshire now?
Ken: It's just an ordinary suit, father... it's all I've got apart from the overalls.
(Dad turns away with an expression of scornful disgust.)
Mum: How are you liking it down the mine, Ken?
Ken: Oh it's not too bad, mum... we're using some new tungsten carbide drills for the preliminary coal-face scouring operations.
Mum: Oh that sounds nice, dear...
Dad: Tungsten carbide drills! What the bloody hell's tungsten carbide drills?
Ken: It's something they use in coal-mining, father.
Dad: (mimicking) 'It's something they use in coal-mining, father'. You're all bloody fancy talk since you left London.
Ken: Oh not that again.
Mum: He's had a hard day dear... his new play opens at the National Theatre tomorrow.
Ken: Oh that's good.
Dad: Good! good? What do you know about it? What do you know about getting up at five o'clock in t'morning to fly to Paris... back at the Old Vic for drinks at twelve, sweating the day through press interviews, television interviews and getting back here at ten to wrestle with the problem of a homosexual nymphomaniac drug-addict involved in the ritual murder of a well known Scottish footbailer· That's a full working day, lad, and don't you forget it!
Mum: Oh, don't shout at the boy, father.
Dad: Aye, 'ampstead wasn't good enough for you, was it? ... you had to go poncing off to BarnsIcy, you and yer coal-mining friends. (spits)
Ken: Coal-mining is a wonderful thing father, but it's something you'll never understand. Just look at you!
Mum: Oh Ken! Be careful! You know what he's like after a few novels.
Dad: Oh come on lad! Come on, out wi' it! What's wrong wi' me?... yet tit!
Ken: I'll tell you what's wrong with you. Your head's addled with novels and poems, you come home every evening reeling of Chateau La Tour...
Mum: Oh don't, don't.
Ken: And look what you've done to mother! She's worn out with meeting film stars, attending premieres and giving gala luncheons...
Dad: There's nowt wrong wi' gala luncheons, lad! I've had more gala luncheons than you've had hot dinners!
Mum: Oh please!
Dad: Aaaaaaagh! (clutches hands and sinks to knees)
Mum: Oh no!
Ken: What is it?
Mum: Oh, it's his writer's cramp!
Ken: You never told me about this...
Mum: No, we didn't like to, Kenny.
Dad: I'm all right! I'm all right, woman. Just get him out of here.
Mum: Oh Ken! You'd better go ...
Ken: All right. I'm going.
Dad: After all we've done for him...
Ken: (at the door) One day you'll realize there's more to life than culture. There's dirt, and smoke, and good honest sweat!
Dad: Get out! Get out! Get OUT! You ... LABOURER!
(Ken goes. Shocked silence. Dad goes to table and takes the cover off the typewriter.)
Dad: Hey, you know, mother, I think there's a play there .... get t'agent on t'phone.
Mum: Aye I think you're right, Frank, it could express, it could express a vital theme of our age...
Dad: Aye.
(In the room beneath a man is standing on a chair. banging on the ceiling with a broom.)
Man: Oh shut up! (bang bang) Shut up! (they stop talking upstairs) Oh, that's better. (he climbs down and looks at the camera) And now for something completely different ... a man with three buttocks...
Mum and Dad: (from upstairs) We've done that!
(The man looks up slightly disconcerted.)
Man: Oh all right. All right! A man with nine legs.
Voice Off: He ran away.
Man: Oh... Bloody Hell! Er ... a Scotsman on a horse!
(Cut to film of a Scotsman (John Cleese) riding up on a home. He looks around, puzzled.
Cut to stock film of Women's Institute audience applauding. Cut to the man with two noses (Graham Chapmam); he puts a handkerchief to his elbow and we hear the sound of a nose being blown.
Cut to Women's Institute audience applauding.
Cut to cartoon of a flying sheep.)
Voice Over: Harold! Come back, Harold! Harold! Come back, Harold! Oh, blast!
(The sheep is shot down by a cannon. Cut to film of an audience of Indian ladies not applauding.)
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The Wrestling Epilogue
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 2
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The cast:
INTERVIEWER
John Cleese
EMCEE
Eric Idle
* * *
The sketch:
Interviewer: Good evening, and welcome once again to the Epilogue. On the programme this evening we have Monsignor Edward Gay, visiting Pastoral Emissary of the Somerset Theological College and author of a number of books about belief, the most recent of which is the best seller 'My God'. And opposite him we have Dr Tom Jack: humanist, broadcaster, lecturer and author of the book 'Hello Sailor'. Tonight, instead of discussing the existence or non-existence of God, they have decided to fight for it. The existence, or non-existence, to be determined by two falls, two submissions, or a knockout. All right boys, let's get to it. Your master of ceremonies for this evening - Mr Arthur Waring.
(The partial pants move into a wrestling ring.)
MC: Good evening ladies and gentlemen and welcome to a three-round contest of the Epilogue. Introducing on my right in the blue comer, appearing for Jehovah - the ever popular Monsignor Eddie Gay. (there are boos from the crowd) And on my left in the red comer - author of the books 'The Problems of Kierkegaard' and 'Hello Sailor' and visiting Professor of Modern Theological Philosophy at the University of East Anglia - from Wigan - Dr Tom Jack! (cheers; gong goes for the start)
(CAPTION: 'ROUND 1' They are real wrestlers. They throw each other about.)
Interviewer: Now Dr Jack's got a flying mare there. A flying mare there, and this is going to be a full body slam. A full body slam, and he's laying it in there, and he's standing back. Well .. there we are leaving the Epilogue for the moment, we'll be bringing you the result of this discussion later on in the programme.
Interviewer: Oh my God! (pulls out a revolver and shoots something off-screen)
(ANIMATION: We see a cowboy just having been shot· This leads into cartoon film, which includes a carnivorous pram and music from Rodin's statue 'The Kiss '. Then a protest march appears carrying banners. Close in on banners which read: End Discrimination: Mice Is Nice; Ho Ho Ho Traps Must Go; Hands Off Mice: Repeal Anti-Mouse Laws Now; Kidderminster Young Methodists Resent Oppression: A Fair Deal For Mice Men.)
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The mouse problem
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 2
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About the Sketch:
Not only did this sketch appear in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 2, it was also performed on their Album - Monty Python's Flying Circus'.
* * *
The cast:
LINKMAN
Michael Palin
CONFESSER
John Cleese
INTERVIEWER
Terry Jones
VOICE OVER
John Cleese
KARGOL
Graham Chapman
JANET
Carol Cleveland
JULIU
S CAESAR
Graham Chapman
NAPOLEON
Terry Jones
VIKING
Eric Idle
WINDOW CLEANER
Eric Idle
STOCKBROKER
John Cleese
MAN
Terry Jones
ACCOUNTANT
Graham Chapman
VICAR
John Cleese
PORTER
Terry Jones
SECOND MAN
Graham Chapman
MR. A
John Cleese
* * *
The sketch:
(Sketch starts with a policeman leading a man in mouse costume into a police station. Photo of headline: Mouse Clubs On Increase. Cut to: photos of neon signs of clubs: Eek Eek Club; The Little White Rodent Room; Caerphilly A Go-Go. Cut to studio: ordinary grey-suited Linkman.)
Linkman: Yes. The Mouse Problem· This week 'The World Around Us' looks at the growing social phenomenon of Mice and Men. What makes a man want to be a mouse.
(Interviewer, Harold Voice, sitting facing a confessor. The confessor is badly lit and is turned away from camera.)
Confessor: (very slowly and painfully) Well it's not a question of wantiing to be a mouse... it just sort of happens to you. All of a sudden you realize... that's what you want to be.