Monty Python's Flying Circus: The Sketches

by Monty Python

  (Explosion.)

  (ANIMATION: Ends with cut-out animation of sedan chair; matching shot links into next film. Cut to deserted beach. Sedan chair arrives at deserted beach. Hunkey opens the door. Gentleman gets out in his eighteenth-century finery. The flunkeys help him to change into a lace-trimmed striped bathing costume. He then gets back into the sedan chair and they all trot off into the sea. Cut to singer in bed with woman. Singer reclining with guitar, strumming.)

  Singer: And did those feet in ancient times, walk upon England's mountains green... we'd like to alter the mood a little, we'd like to bring you something for mum and dad, Annie, and Roger, Mazarin and Louis and all at Versailles, it's a little number called 'England's Mountains Green'. Hope you like it. And did those feet in ancient time ...

  (Cut to a man standing in the countryside.)

  Man: (rustic accent) Yes, you know it's a man's life in England's Mountain Green.

  ((The colonel enters briskly.)

  Colonel: Right I heard that, I heard that, I'm going to stop this sketch now, and if there's any more of this, I'm going to stop the whole programme. I thought it was supposed to be about teeth anyway. Why don't you do something about teeth - go on. (walks off)

  Man: What about my rustic monologue? ... I'm not sleeping with that producer again.

  (Cut to film of various sporting activities, wild west stage coach etc.)

  * * *

  Return to the sketches index

  Secret Service Dentists

  As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 4

  * * *

  The cast:

  BOOKSELLER

  John Cleese

  ARTHUR

  Eric Idle

  VAN DER BERG

  Dick Vosburgh

  LAFARGE

  Michael Palin

  NURSE

  Katya Wyeth

  BRIAN

  Terry Jones

  BIG CHEESE

  Graham Chapman

  VOICE OVER

  Eric Idle

  COLONEL

  Graham Chapman

  * * *

  The sketch:

  (Scene: A bookshop. A Bookseller is standing behind the counter. Arthur enters the shot and goes up to the counter. The Bookseller jumps and looks around furtively.)

  Bookseller: Er... oh!

  Arthur: Good morning, I'd like to buy a book please.

  Bookseller: Oh, well I'm afraid we don't have any. (trying to hide them)

  Arthur: I'm sorry?

  Bookseller: We don't have any books. We're fresh out of them. Good morning.

  Arthur: Well what are all these?

  Bookseller: All what? Oh! All these, ah ah ha ha. Your referring to these ... books.

  Arthur: Yes.

  Bookseller: They're um ... they're all sold. Good morning.

  Arthur: What all of them?

  Bookseller: Every single man Jack of them. Not a single one of them in an unsold state. Good morning.

  Arthur: Who to?

  Bookseller: What?

  Arthur: Who are they sold to?

  Bookseller: Oh ... various ... good Lord is that the time? Oh my goodness I must close for lunch.

  Arthur: It's only half past ten.

  Bookseller: Ah yes, well I feel rather peckish ... very peckish actually, I don't expect I'll open again today. I think I'll have a really good feed. I say! Look at that lovely bookshop just across the road there, they've got a much better selection than we've got, probably at ridiculously low prices ... just across the road there. (he has the door open) Good morning.

  Arthur: But I was told to come here.

  Bookseller: (bundling him back in) Well. Well, I see. Er ... (very, carefully) hear the gooseberries are doing well this year... and so are the mangoes. (winks)

  Arthur: I'm sorry?

  Bookseller: Er .,. oh . .. I was just saying ... thinking of the weather.. I hear the gooseberries are doing well this year... and so are the mangoes.

  Arthur: Mine aren't·

  Bookseller: (nodding keenly, with anticipation) Go on...

  Arthur: What?

  Bookseller: Go on - mine aren't ... but...

  Arthur: What?

  Bookseller: Aren't you going to say something about 'mine aren't but the Big Cheese gets his at low tide tonight'?

  Arthur: No.

  Bookseller: Oh, ah, good morning, (starts to bundle him out then stops) Wait. Who sent you?

  Arthur: The little old lady in the sweet shop.

  Bookseller: She didn't have a duelling scar just here ... and a hook?

  Arthur: No.

  Bookseller: Of course not, I was thinkimg of somebody else. Good morning.

  Arthur: Wait a minute, there's something going on here.

  Bookseller: (spinning round.) What, where? You didn't see anything did you?

  Arthur: No, but I think there's something going on here.

  Bookseller: No no, well there's nothing going on here at all (shouts off) and he didn't see anything. Good morning.

  Arthur: (coming back into shop) There is something going on.

  Bookseller: Look there is nothing going on. Please believe me, there is abso... (a hand comes into view behind Arthur's back; Bookseller frantically waves at it to disappear; it does so) . . . lutely nothing going on. Is there anything going on?

  (A man appears, fleetingly: he is Van der Berg)

  Van der Berg: No there's nothing going on. (disappears)

  Bookseller: See there's nothing going on.

  Arthur: Who was that?

  Bookseller: That was my aunt, look what was this book you wanted then? Quickly! Quickly!

  Arthur: Oh, well, I'd like to buy a copy of an 'Illustrated History of False Teeth'.

  Bookseller: My God you've got guts.

  Arthur: What?

  Bookseller: (pulling gun) Just how much do you know?

  Arthur: What about?

  Bookseller: Are you from the British Dental Association?

  Arthur: No I'm a tobacconist.

  Bookseller: Get away from that door.

  Arthur: I'll just go over the other...

  Bookseller: Stay where you are. You'll never leave this bookshop alive.

  Arthur: Why not?

  Bookseller: You know too much, my dental friend.

  Arthur: I don't know anything.

  Bookseller: Come clean. You're a dentist aren't you.

  Arthur: No, I'm a tobacconist.

  Bookseller: A tobacconist who just happens to be buying a book on ...teeth?

  Arthur: Yes.

  Bookseller: Ha ha ha ha...

  (Lafarge enters room with gun. He is swarthy, French, dressed all in black and menacing.)

  Lafarge: Drop that gun, Stapleton.

  Bookseller: Lafrage! (he drops the gun)

  Arthur: There is something going on.

  Bookseller: No there isn't.

  Lafarge: OK Stapleton, this is it. Where's Mahoney hidden the fillings?

  Bookseller: What fillings?

  Lafarge: You know which fillings, Stapleton. Upper right two and four, lower right three and two lower left one. Come on. (he threatens with the gun) Remember what happened to Nigel.

  Arthur: What happened to Nigel?

  Bookseller: Orthodontic Jake gave him a gelignite mouth wash.

  Arthur: I knew there was something going on.

  Bookseller: Well there isn't.

  Lafarge: Come on Stapleton. The fillings!

  Bookseller: They're at 22 Wimpole Street.

  Lafarge: Don't play games with me! (pokes bookseller in eye with the gun)

  Bookseller: Oh, oh, 22a Wimpole Street.

  Lafarge: That's better.

  Bookseller: But you'll need an appointment.

  Lafarge: OK (shouting out of shop) Brian! Make with the appointment baby. No gas.

  (Van der Berg appears with machine gun and a nurse, he is basically dressed as a dentist. But with many rings, chains, writlets, cravats, buckled shoes an
d an ear-ring.)

  Van der Berg: Not so fast Lafarge!

  Lafarge: Van der Berg!

  Van der Berg: Yes. Now drop the roscoe.

  Arthur: There is something going on.

  Bookseller: No there isn't.

  Van der Berg: Get the guns.

  (The nurse runs forward, picks up the gun and puts it on steel surgeon's tray, and covers it with a white cloth, returning it to Van der Berg.)

  Arthur: Who's that?

  Bookseller: That's Van der Berg. He's on our side.

  Van der Berg: All right, get up against the wall Lafarge, and you too Stapleton.

  Bookseller: Me?

  Van der Berg: Yes, you!

  Bookseller: You dirty double-crossing rat.

  Arthur: (going with Bookseller) What's happened?

  Bookseller: He's two-timed me.

  Arthur: Bad luck.

  Van der Berg: All right ... where are the fillings? Answer me, where are they?

  Arthur: This is quite exciting.

  (Brian enters carrying a bazooka. Brian is dressed in operating-theatre clothes, gown, cap and mask, with rubber gloves and white wellingtons.)

  Brian: Not so fast.

  All: Brian!

  Arthur: Ooh, what's that?

  The Others: It's a bazooka.

  Brian: All right. Get against the wall Van der Berg ... and you nurse. And the first one to try anything moves to a practice six feet underground ... this is an anti-tank gun ... and it's loaded ...and you've just got five seconds to tell me ... whatever happened to Baby Jane?

  All: What?

  Brian: Oh ... I'm sorry ... my mind was wandering ... I've had a terrible day... I really have ... you've got five seconds to tell me... I've forgotten. I've forgotten.

  Bookseller: The five seconds haven't started yet have they?

  Van der Berg: Only we don't know the question.

  Arthur: Was it about Vogler?

  Brian: No, no... no ... you've got five seconds to tell me...

  Van der Berg: About Nigel?

  Brian: No.

  Lafarge: Bronski?

  Brian: No. No.

  Arthur: The fillings!

  Brian: Oh yes, the fillings, of course. How stupid of me. Right, you've got five seconds ... (clears throat) Where are the fillings? Five, four, three, two, one, Zero! (there is a long pause, Brian has forgotten to fire the bazooka but he can't put his finger on what has gone wrong) Zero! (looks at gun) Oh! I've forgotten to fire it. Sorry. Silly day. Very well. (quite rapidly) Five, four, three, two, one.

  (A panel slides back and the Big Cheese appears in sight seated in adentist's chair. The Big Cheese is in dentist's gear, wears evil magnifing type glasses and strokes a rabbit lying on his lap.)

  Big Cheese: Drop the bazooka Brian.

  All: The Big Cheese!

  (Brian drops the bazooka.)

  Big Cheese: I'm glad you could all come to my little ... party. And Flopsy's glad too, aren't you, Flopsy? (he holds rabbit up as it does not reply) Aren't you Flopsy? (no reply again so he pulls a big revolver out and fires at rabbit from point-blank range) That'll teach you to play hard to get. There, poor Flopsy's dead. And never called me mother. And soon ... you will all be dead, dead, dead, dead. (the crowd start to hiss him) And because I'm so evil you'll all die the slow way ... under the drill.

  Arthur: lt's one o'clock.

  Big Cheese: So it is. Lunch break, everyone back here at two.

  (They, all happily relax and walk off. Arthur surreptitiously goes to telephone and, making sure nobody is looking, calls)

  Arthur: Hallo ... give me the British Dental Association ... and fast.

  (Cut to Arthur dressed normally as dentist leaning over patient in chair. He looks up to camera.)

  Arthur: You see, I knew there was something going on. Of course, the Big Cheese made two mistakes. First of all he didn't recognize me: Lemming, Arthur Lemming, Special Investigator, British Dental Association, and second ... (to patient) spit ... by the time I got back from lunch I had every dental surgeon in SWI waiting for them all in the broom cupboard. Funny isn't it, how naughty dentists always make that one fatal mistake. Bye for now ... keep your teeth clean.

  (Cut to photo of Arthur Lemming, with superimposed caption on screen: 'LEMMING OF THE BDA' Over this we hear a song.)

  Song: (Voice over pre-recorded) Lemming, Lemming ... Lemming of the BDA .. Lemming, Lemming ... Lemming of the BD ...Lemming of the BD ... BD, BDA.

  Voice Over: and Caption on Screen: 'IT'S A MAN'S LIFE IN THE BRITISH DENTAL ASSOCIATION'

  Colonel: (knocking the photo aside) Right! No, I warned you, no, I warned you about the slogan, right. That's the end. Stop the programme! Stop it.

  (Cut to referee blowing whistle.)

  * * *

  Return to the sketches index

  Confuse-a-Cat

  As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 5

  * * *

  The cast:

  MR. A

  Michael Palin

  MRS. B

  Terry Jones

  VET

  Graham Chapman

  SERGEANT

  Michael Palin

  GENERAL

  John Cleese

  * * *

  The sketch:

  (Elderly couple, Mr A and Mrs B are staring through french windows at a cat that is sitting in the middle of their lawn motionless and facing away from them. A car is heard drawing up.)

  Mr A: Oh good, that'll be the Vet, dear.

  Mrs B: I'd better go and let him in.

  (Mrs B: goes out and comes back into the room with the Vet)

  Mrs B: (stage whisper) It's the Vet, dear.

  Mr A: Oh very glad indeed you could come round, sir.

  Vet: Not at all. Now what seems to be the problem? You can tell me - I'm a Vet, you know.

  Mrs B: See! Tell him, dear.

  Mr A: Well...

  Mrs B: It's our cat. He doesn't do anything. He just sits out there on the lawn.

  Vet: Is he ... dead?

  Mr A: Oh, no!

  Vet: (to camera dramatically) Thank God for that. For one ghastly moment I thought I was... too late. If only more people would call in the nick of time.

  Mrs B: He just sits there, all day and every day.

  Mr A: And at night.

  Mrs B: Sh! Almost motionless. We have to take his food out to him.

  Mr A: And his milk.

  Mrs B: Sh! He doesn't do anything. He just sits there.

  Vet: Are you at your wits' end?

  Mrs B: Definitely, yes.

  Vet: Hm. I see. Well I think I may be able to help you. You see ... (he goes over to armchair, puts on spectacles, sits, crosses legs and puts finger tips together)... your cat is suffering from what we Vets haven't found a word for. His condition is typified by total physical inertia, absence of interest in its ambience - what we Vets call environment - failure to respond to the conventional external stimuli - a ball of string, a nice juicy mouse, a bird. To be blunt, your cat is in a rut. It's the old stockbroker syndrome, the suburban fin de siècle ennui, angst, weltschmertz, call it what you will.

  Mrs B: Moping.

  Vet: In a way, in a way ... hum ... moping, I must remember that. Now, what's to be done? Tell me sir, have you confused your cat recenty?

  Mr A: Well we ...

  Mrs B: Sh! No.

  Vet: Yes ... well I think I can definitely say that your cat badly needs to be confused.

  Mrs B: What?

  Mr A:Sh! What?

  Vet: Confused. To shake it out of its state of complacency. I'm afraid I'm not personally qualified to confuse cats, but I can recommend an extremely good service. Here is their card.

  Mrs B: (reading card) Oooh. 'Confuse-a-Cat Limited'.

  Mr A: 'Confuse-a-Cat Limited'.'

  Mrs B: Oh.

  (Cut to large van arriving. On one side is a large sign reading 'Confuse-a-Cat Limited: Europe's leading cat-confusing service. By appointment to...' and a cres
t. Several people get out of the van, dressed in white coats, with peaked caps and insignia. One of them has a sergeant's stripes.)

  Sergeant: Squad! Eyes front! Stand at ease. Cat confusers ...shun!

  (From a following car a general alights.)

  General: Well men, we've got a pretty difficult cat to confuse today so let's get straight on with it. Jolly good. Thank you sergeant.

  Sergeant: Confusers attend to the van and fetch out... wait for it... fetch out the funny things. (the men unload the van) Move, move, move. One, two, one, two, get those funny things off.

  (The workmen are completing the erection of a proscenium with curtains in front of the still immobile cat. A and B watch with awe. The arrangements are completed. All stand ready.)

  Sergeant: Stage ready for confusing, sir!

  General: Very good. Carry on, sergeant.

  Sergeant: Left turn, double march!

  General: Right men, confuse the ... cat!

  (Drum roll and cymbals. The curtains draw back and an amazing show takes place, using various tricks: locked camera, fast motion, jerky motion, jump cuts, some pixilated motion etc. Long John Silver walks to front of stage.)

  Long John Silver: My lords, ladies and Gedderbong.

  (Long John Silver disappears. A pause. Two boxers appear. they circle each other. On one's head a bowler hat appears, vanishes. On the other's a stove-pipe hat appears. On the first's head a fez. The stove-pipe hat becomes a Stetson. The fez becomes a cardinal's hat. The Stetson becomes a wimple. Then the cardinal's hat and the wimple vanish. One of the boxers becomes Napoleon and the other boxer is astonished. Napoleon punches the boxer with the hand inside his jacket. The boxer falls, stunned. Horizontally he shoots off stage. Shot of cat, watching unimpressed. Napoleon does one-legged pixilated dance across stage and off, immediately reappearing on other side of stage doing same dance in same direction. He reaches the other side, but is halted by a traffic policeman. The policeman beckons onto the stage a man in a penguin skin on a pogo-stick. The penguin gets halfway across and then turns into a dustbin. Napoleon hops off stage. Policeman goes to dustbin, opens it and Napoleon gets out. Shot of cat, still unmoved. A nude man with a towel round his waist gets out of the dustbin. Napoleon points at ground. A chair appears where he points. The nude man gets on to the chair, jumps in the air and vanishes. Then Napoleon points to ground by him and a small cannon appears. Napoleon fires cannon and the policeman disappears. The man with the towel round his waist gets out of the dustbin and is chased off stage by the penguin on the pogo-stick. A sedan chair is carried on stage by two chefs. The man with the towel gets out and the penguin appears from the dustbin and chases him off. Napoleon points to sedan chair and it changes into dustbin. Man in towel runs back on to stage and jumps in dustbin. He looks out and the penguin appears from the other dustbin and hits him on the head with a raw chicken. Shot of cat still unimpressed. Napoleon, the man with the towel round his waist, the policeman, a boxer, and a chef suddenly appear standing in a line, and take a bow. They immediately change positions and take another bow. The penguin appears at the end of the line with a puff of smoke. Each one in turn jumps in the air and vanishes. Shot of passive cat.)