Monty Python's Flying Circus: The Sketches
Page 11
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Silly Job Interview /
Career Advisory Board
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 5
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The cast:
INTERVIEWER
John Cleese
STIG
Graham Chapman
CAREER ADVISOR
Eric Idle
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The sketch:
(Scene an interview room.)
Interviewer: You know I really enjoy interviewing applicants for this management training course. (knock at door) Come in. (Stig enters) Ah. Come and sit down.
Stig: Thank you. (he sits)
Interviewer: (stares at him and starts writing) Would you mind just standing up again for one moment. (stands up) Take a seat.
Stig: I'm sorry.
Interviewer: Take a seat. (Stig does so) Ah! (writes again) Good morning.
Stig: Good morning.
Interviewer: Good morning.
Stig: Good morning.
Interviewer: (writes) Tell me why did you say 'good morning' when you know perfectly well that it's afternoon?
Stig: Well, well, you said 'good morning'. Ha, ha.
Interviewer: (shakes head) Good afternoon.
Stig: Ah, good afternoon.
Interviewer: Oh dear. (writes again) Good evening.
Stig: ... Goodbye?
Interviewer: Ha, ha. No. (rings small hand-bell) ... Aren't you going to ask me why I rang the bell? (rings bell again)
Stig: Er why did you ring the bell?
Interviewer: Why do you think I rang the bell? (shouts) Five, four, three, two, one, zero!
Stig: Well, I, I...
Interviewer: Too late! (singing) Goodnight, ding-ding-ding-ding-ding. Goodnight. Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding.
Stig: Um. Oh this is, is the interview for the management training course is it?
Interviewer: (Rings bell) Yes. Yes it is. Goodnight. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.
Stig: Oh. Oh dear, I don't think I'm doing very well.
Interviewer: Why do you say that?
Stig: Well I don't know.
Interviewer: Do you say it because you didn't know?
Stig: Well. I, I, I, I don't know.
Interviewer: Five, four, three, two, one, zero! Right! (makes face and strange noise,)
Stig: I'm sorry, I'm confused.
Interviewer: Well why do you think I did that then?
Stig: Well I don't know.
Interviewer: Aren't you curious?
Stig: Well yes.
Interviewer: Well, why didn't you ask me?
Stig: Well...I...er...
Interviewer: Name?
Stig: What?
Interviewer: Your name man, your name!
Stig: Um, er David.
Interviewer: David. Sure?
Stig: Oh yes.
Interviewer: (writing) David Shaw.
Stig: No, no Thomas.
Interviewer: Thomas Shaw?
Stig: No, no, David Thomas.
Interviewer: (long look, rings bell) Goodnight. Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding- ding-ding-ding. Goodnight. Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding.
Stig: Oh dear we're back to that again. I don't know what to do when you do that.
Interviewer: Well do something. Goodnight. Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding, five, four, three, two, one . . .(Stig pulls face and makes noise) Good!
Stig: Good?
Interviewer: Very good - do it again. (Stig pulls face and makes noise) Very good' indeed, quite outstanding. (Interviewer goes to door) Ah right. (calls through door) Ready now. (four people come in and line up by desk) Right, once more. (rings bell) Goodnight, ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding.
(Stig very cautiously pulls face and makes noise. Interviewer rings bell again. Suddenly the four men all hold up points cards like diving or skating judges.)
Stig: What's going on? What's going on?
Interviewer: You've got very good marks.
Stig: (hysterically) Well I don't care, I want to know what's going on! I think you're deliberately trying to humiliate people, and I'm going straight out of here and I'm going to tell the police exactly what you do to people and I'm going to make bloody sure that you never do it again. There, what do you think of that? What do you think of that?
(The judges give him very high marks.)
Interviewer: Very good marks.
Stig: Oh, oh well, do I get the job?
Interviewer: Er, well, I'm afraid not. I'm afraid all the vacancies were filled several weeks ago.
(They fall about laughing.)
(Cut to man sitting at desk.)
Career Advisor: Well that was all good fun, and we all had a jolly good laugh, but I would like to assure you that you'd never be treated like that if you had an interview here at the Careers Advisory Board. Perhaps I should introduce myself. I am the Head of the Careers Advisory Board. I wanted to be a doctor, but there we are, I'm Head of the Careers Advisory Board. (emotionally) Or a sculptor, something artistic, or an engineer, with all those dams, but there we are, it's no use crying over split milk, the facts are there and that's that. I'm the Head of this lousy Board. (he weeps, then recovers) Never mind, now I wonder if you've ever considered what a very profitable line of work this man is in.
(Cut to front door of a fiat. Man walks up to the door and rings bell. He is dressed smartly.)
NB Sketch continues - Burglar/encyclopedia salesman
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Burglar/Encyclopaedia Salesman
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 5
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The cast:
SALESMAN
Eric Idle
WOMAN
John Cleese
MAN
Michael Palin
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The sketch:
(Scene : A front door of a flat. A man walks up to the door and rings bell. He is dressed smartly, like a Salesman.)
Salesman: Burglar! (longish pause while he waits, he rings again) Burglar! (woman appears at other side of door)
Woman: Yes?
Salesman: Burglar, madam.
Woman: What do you want?
Salesman: I wart to come in and steal a few firings, madam.
Woman: Are you an encyclopaedia salesman?
Salesman: No madam, I'm a burglar, I burgle people.
Woman: I think you're an encyclopaedia salesman.
Salesman: Oh I'm not, open the door, let me in please.
Woman: lf l let you in you'll sell me encyclopaedias.
Salesman: I won't, madam. I just want to come in and ransack the flat. Honestly.
Woman: Promise. No encyclopaedias?
Salesman: None at all.
Woman: All right. (she opens door) You'd better come in then.
(Salesman enters tit rough door.)
Salesman: Mind you I don't know whether you've really considered the advantages of owning a really fine set of modern encyclopaedias...(he pockets valuable) You know, they can really do you wonders.
(Cut back to man at desk.)
Man: That man was a successful encyclopaedia salesman. But not all encyclopaedia salesmen are successful. Here is an unsuccessful encyclopaedia salesman.
(Cut to very tall building; a body flies out of a high window and plummets. Cut back to man at desk.)
Man: Now here are two unsuccessful encyclopaedia salesmen.
(Cut to a different tall building; two bodies fly out of a high window. Cut back to man at desk.)
Man: I think there's a lesson there for all of us.
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It's the Arts / Johann Gambolputty... von Hautkopft of Ulm
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 6
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The cast:
MAN
Michael Palin
<
br /> FIGGIS
Graham Chapman
KARL
Terry Jones
INTERVIEWER
John Cleese
VIKING
John Cleese
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The sketch:
Man: (rushing in) I thought you did that so well Mr Figgis, could I have your autograph?
Figgis: You certainly can.
(Presenter signs autograph. Part of his signature gets away (animation) and eventually leads us into the title: 'It's the Arts'. Classical music plays.)
Figgis: Beethoven,.Mozart, Chopin, Liszt, Brahms, Panties ...I'm sorry ... Schumann, Schubert, Mendelssohn and Bach. Names that will live for ever. But there is one composer whose name is never included with the greats. Why is it the world never remembered the name of Johann Gambolputty de von Ausfern -schplenden -schlitter -crasscrenbon -fried -digger -dangle -dungle -burstein -von -knacker -thrasher -apple -banger -horowitz -ticolensic -grander -knotty -spelltinkle -grandlich -grumblemeyer -spelterwasser -kürstlich -himbleeisen -bahnwagen -gutenabend -bitte -eine -nürnburger -bratwustle -gerspurten -mit -zweimache -luber -hundsfut -gumberaber -shönendanker -kalbsfleisch -mittler -raucher von Hautkopft of Ulm. To do justice to this man, thought by many to be the greatest name in German Baroque music, we present a profile of Johann Gambolputty de von Ausfern -schplenden -schlitter -crasscrenbon -fried -digger -dangle -dungle -burstein -von -knacker - thrasher -apple -banger -horowitz -ticolensic -grander -knotty -spelltinkle -grandlich -grumblemeyer -spelterwasser - kurstlich -himbleeisen -bahnwagen -gutenabend -bitte -ein -nürnburger -bratwustle -gerspurten -mit -zweimache - auuber -hundsfut -gumberaber -shönendanker-kalbsfleisch -mittler -aucher von Hautkopft of Ulm We start with an interview with his only surviving relative Karl Gambolputty de von Ausfern.....(fades out)
(Cut to old man sitting blanketed, in wheel-chair, as he speaks, intercut with shot of interviewer nodding and looking interested.)
Karl: Oh ja. When I first met Johann Gambolputty de von Ausfern -schplenden -schlitter -crasscrenbon -fried -digger -dingle -dangle -dongle -dungle -burstein -von -knacker - thrasher -apple -banger -horowitz -ticolensic -grander -knotty -spelltinkle -grandlich -grumblemeyer -spelterwasser - kurstlich -himbleeisen -bahnwagen -gutenabend -bitte -ein -nürnburger -bratwustle -gerspurten -mitz -weimache - auuber -hundsfut -gumberaber -shönendanker-kalbsfleisch -mittler -aucher von Hautkopft of Ulm, he was with his wife, Sarah Gambolputty de von...
Interviewer: (as he speaks intercut with shots of Karl nodding and trying to look interested) Yes, if I may just cut in on you there, Herr Gambolputty de von Ausfern -schplenden -schlitter -crasscrenbon -fried -digger -dingle -dangle -dongle -dungle -burstein -von -knacker - thrasher -apple -banger -horowitz -ticolensic -grander -knotty -spelltinkle -grandlich -grumblemeyer -spelterwasser - kurstlich -himbleeisen -bahnwagen -gutenabend -bitte -ein -nürnburger -bratwustle -gerspurten -mitz -weimache - auuber -hundsfut -gumberaber -shönendanker-kalbsfleisch -mittler -aucher von Hautkopft of Ulm.
(No response. He shakes the old man, then gets up and listens to his heart. Realizing with exasperation that his intewiewee has died, he starts digging a grave. Cut back to presenter.)
Figgis: A tribute to Johann Gambolputty...
(Cut to Viking)
Viking: ... de yon Ausfern-schplenden-schlitter ...
(Cut to weedy man in pullover with National Health specs.)
Man:... crasscrenbon-fficd-digger-dingle-dangle-dongle ...
(Cut to a knight in armour.)
Knight in Armour: ... dungle-burstein-von-knacker-thrasher...
(Cut to a succession of animated characters.)
Mona Lisa: ... apple-banger-horowitz-ticolensic...
Lon Chaney: ....grander-knorty-spelltinkle.
Policeman: ... grandlich ...
Pig: ... grumblemeyer ...
Policeman: ... spelterwasser...
Boar: ... kurstlich-himbleeisen ...
Botticelli Lover: ... bahnwagen-gutenabend ..
Medieval Couple: . .. bitte-ein-nürmburger.
Family Group: ... bratwurstle...
Doctor: ... gerspurten ...
Bishop & Saint: ... mitz-weimache-luber-hundsfut...
Two Dancers: ... gumberaber-schönendanker...
Three Naked Ladies: ... kalbsfieisch...
Cricket Team: ... mittler-aucher...
Policemen: ... von Hautkopf...
Figgis: ... of Ulm.
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Non-Illegal Robbery / Vox Pops
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 6
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The cast:
BOSS
Michael Palin
FIFTH
John Cleese
LARRY
Terry Jones
REG
Eric Idle
VICAR
Terry Jones
CHARTERED ACCOUNTANT
John Cleese
PEPPERPOT
Michael Palin
PRALINE
John Cleese
POLICEMAN
Graham Chapman
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The sketch:
(Scene : A garret room with a bare table. Around it are grouped four desperate-looking robbers. The Boss has a rolled-up map. One of the gang, the fifth, is looking out of the window.)
Boss: All clear?
Fifth: All clear, Boss.
Boss: (unfolding big map across table; talking carefully) Right ... this is the plan then. At 10:45 .. · you, Reg:, collect me and Ken in the van, and take us round to the British Jewellery Centre in the High Street. We will arrive outside the British Jewellery Centre at 10:50a of m. I shall then get out of the car, you Reg, take it and park it back here in Denver Street, right? At 10:51, I shall enter the British Jewellery Centre, where you, Vic, disguised as a customer, will meet me and hand me £5.18.3d. At 10:52, I shall approach the counter and purchase a watch costing £5.18.3d. I shall then give the watch to you, Vic. You'll go straight to Norman's Garage in East Street. You lads continue back up here at 10:56 and we rendezvous in the back room at the Cow and Sickle, at 11:15. All right, any questions?
Larry: We don't seem to be doing anything illegal.
Boss: What do you mean?
Larry: Well ... we're paying for the watch.
Boss: (patiently) Yes...
Larry: (hesitating) Well... why are we paying for the watch?
Boss: (heavily) They wouldn't give it to us if we didn't pay for it, would they... eh?
Larry: Look! I don't like this outfit.
Boss: Why not?
Larry: (at last feeling free to say what's on his mind) Well, we never break the bloody law.
(General consternation.)
Boss: What d'you mean?
Larry: Well, look at that bank job last week.
Boss: What was wrong with that?
Larry: Well having to go in there with a mask on and ask for £15 out of my deposit account; that's what was wrong with it.
Boss: Listen! What are you trying to say, Larry?
Larry: Couldn't we just steal the watch, Boss
Boss: Oh, you dumb cluck! We spent weeks organizing this job. Reg rented a room across the road and filmed the people going in and out every day. Vic spent three weeks looking at watch catalogues...until he knew the price of each one backwards, and now I'm not going to risk the whole raid just for the sake of breaking the law.
Larry: Urr... couldn't we park on a double yellow line?
Boss: No!
Larry: Couldn't we get a dog to foul the foot...
Boss: No!
Reg: (suddenly going pale) 'Ere, Boss!
Boss: What's the matter with you?
Reg: I just thought... I left the car on a meter... and it's...
Boss: Overdue?
Reg: Yes, Boss.
Boss: How much?
Reg: (quaking) I dunno, Boss... maybe two ... maybe five minutes ...
Boss
: Five minutes overdue. You fool! You fool! All right ... we've no time to lose. Ken - shave all your hair off, get your passport and meet me at this address in Rio de Janeiro Tuesday night. Vic - go to East Africa, have plastic surgery and meet me there. Reg - go to Canada and work your way south to Nicaragua by July. Larry - you stay here as front man. Give us fifteen minutes then blow the building up. All right, make it fast.
Larry: I can't blow the building up.
Boss: Why not?
Larry: It's illegal.
Boss: Oh bloody hell. Well we'd better give ourselves up then.
Reg: We can't, Boss.
Boss: Why not?
Reg: We haven't done anything illegal.
(Cut to film. Exterior of bank. Three bandits rush out with swag etc. One of them stops to talk to camera raising mask off hem.)
Boss: No I think being illegal makes it more exciting.
Reg: Yes, I agree. I mean, if you're going to go straight you might as well be a vicar or something.
(Cut to vicar, wheeling quickly round to reveal he has had his hand in the restoration-fund box.)
Vicar: What?
(Cut to chartered accountant.)
Chartered Accountant: I agree. If there were fewer robbers there wouldn't be so many of them, numerically speaking.
(Cut to pepperpot.)
Pepperpot: I think sexual ecstasy is over-rated.
(Cut to Scotsman.)
Scotsman: Well, how very interesting, because I'm now made entirely of tin.
(Cut to Police Inspector Praline.)
Praline: After a few more of these remarks, I shall be appearing in a sketch, so stay tuned.
(Cut to policeman.)
Policeman: It's the uniform that puts them off, that and my bad breath.
(Cut to judge in full long wig and robes and a QC also wearing wig and robes.)
Judge: (matter of factly) We like dressing up, yes...