Monty Python's Flying Circus: The Sketches

by Monty Python

  Man: Well, they just want me to stand at a counter, and when the sketch starts I go out.

  Wife: Oh, that sounds nice. It's what they call a walk-on.

  Man: Walk-on? That's a walk-off, that's what this is.

  (Cut to lingen'e shop; assistant and robber still hanging around waiting. A few seconds of this. Floor manager walks on.)

  Robber: (quietly) Well, where is he, George?

  Floor Manager: I don't know, he should have been here hours ago.

  Robber: He bloody should have been.

  (Cut back to grotty kitchen).

  Wife: Well what else does it say?

  Man: It just says 'We would like you to be in a sketch. You are standing at a counter. When the sketch starts you go off. Yours faithfully, Lord Hill.'

  Wife: Oh well, you'd better be off then.

  Man: Yeah, well, what about the cat?

  Wife: Oh I'll look after the cat. Goodness me, Mrs Newman's eldest never worried about the cat when he went off to do 'The Sweet Bird of Youth'.

  Man: All right then, all right. Bye. Bye dear.

  Wife: Bye bye, and mind you don't get seduced.

  (Man leaves, wife stands for a moment, then...)

  Wife: Oh, it'll make a change from plumbing. Dad! Franks got a television part.

  (She turns on the TV set. On the TV comes the picture of the assistant and tile robber and floor manager waiting in the lingerie shop. After a second or two a man is brought in and introduced to floor manager, who positions him and cues him. The man walks out.)

  Wife: You missed him.

  (Cut back to shop, the robber walks in and points gun at the assistant.)

  Robber: Good morning, I am a bank robber. Er, please don't panic, just hand over all your money.

  Assistant: (politely) This is a lingerie shop, sir.

  Robber: Fine, fine, fine. (slightly nonplussed) Adopt, adapt and improve. Motto of the round table. Well, um ... what have you got?

  Assistant: (still politely) Er, we've got corsets, stockings, suspender belts, tights, bras, slips, petticoats, knickers, socks and garters, sir.

  Robber: Fine, fine, fine, fine. No large piles of money in sales?

  Assistant: No, sir.

  Robber: No deposit accounts?

  Assistant: No sir.

  Robber: No piles of cash in easy to carry bags?

  Assistant: None at all sir.

  Robber: No luncheon vouchers?

  Assistant: No, sir.

  Robber: Fine, fine. Well, um... adopt, adapt and improve. Just a pair of knickers then please.

  Cut to effeminate announcer sitting at continuity desk. Any resemblance to Mel Oxley should be accidental. His name is David Unction.

  Unction

  Well that was a bit of fun wasn't it. Ha, ha, ha. And a special good evening to you. Not just an ordinary good evening like you get from all the other announcers, but a special good evening from me (holds up card saying 'David Unction') to you. Well, what have we got next? This is fun isn't it. Look, I'm sorry if I'm interrupting anything that any of you may be doing at home, but I want you to think of me as an old queen. Friend, ha, ha, ha. Well, let's see what we've got next. In a few moments 'It's A Tree' and in the chair as usual is Arthur Tree, and starring in the show will be a host of star guests as his star guests. And then at 9.30 we've got another rollocking half hour of laughter-packed squalor with 'Yes it's the Sewage Farm Attendants'. And this week Dan falls into a vat of human dung with hilarious consequences. Ha, ha, ha. But now it's the glittering world of show business with Arthur Tree...

  Music.

  CAPTION: 'IT'S A TREE'

  Stock film. Quick cuts. Plane arriving at night. Showbiz lights. Film premières. Audience applauding. Cut to studio: a tree sitting in a middle chair in David Frost type interview set. Zoom in on tree. It has a mouth which moves.

  Tree

  Hello. Hello people, and welcome to 'It's a Tree'. We have some really exiting guests for you this evening. A fabulous spruce, back from a tour of Holland, three gum trees making their first appearance in this country, scots pine and the conifers, and Elm Tree Bole - there you go, can't be bad - an exiting new American plank, a rainforest and a bucket of sawdust giving their views on teenage violence, and an unusual guest for this programme, a piece of laminated plastic.

  Shot of piece of laminated plastic with mouth.

  Plastic

  Hi there!

  Tree

  But first, will you please, please welcome - a block of wood.

  Shot of large block four feet cube, with a mouth, on the chair next to Tree.

  Shot of a forest with the sound of applause over.

  Tree

  Well, er, thanks Tree. I've got to pay the rent.

  They both laugh. Shot of forest laughing.

  Tree

  Ha, ha, ha, ha, super. Well, what have you been doing, Block?

  Block

  Well I've just been starring in several major multi-million dollar international films, and, during breaks on the set, I've been designing a Cathedral, doing wonderful unpublicized work for charity, er, finishing my history of the world, of course, pulling the birds, er, photographing royalty on the loo, averting World War Three - can't be bad - and, er learning to read.

  Tree

  The full Renaissance bit, really...super, super. Well I've got to stop you there Block I'm afraid, because we've got someone who's been doing cabaret in the New Forest. From America, will you welcome please a Chippendale writing desk.

  ANIMATION: a Chippendale desk.

  Chip

  Thank you Mr Tree. And I'd like to do a few impressions of some of my favourite Englishmen. First off. Long John Silver. (suitable animation) Arrrgh, Jim boy. Arrrrgh. And now Edward Heath. Hello sailor. Now a short scene from a play by Harold Splinter. (a huge hammer smashes it)

  Animated compère:

  Compère

  Wasn't that just great, ladies and gentlemen, wait a minute we've got something else I just know you're going to love. (fanfares) Yes sir, coming right up - the Vocational Guidance Counsellor Sketch. (more fanfares)

  Continues with Vocational Guidance Counsellor (chartered accountant)

  * * *

  Return to the sketches index

  Vocational Guidance counselor

  As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 10

  * * *

  About the Sketch:

  Not only did the sketch appear in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 10, it also featured in the Movie - 'And Now For Something Completely Different'.

  * * *

  The cast:

  counselor

  John Cleese

  ANCHOVY

  Michael Palin

  VOICE OVER

  Terry Jones

  VIKING

  Terry Jones

  UNCTION

  David Unction

  * * *

  The sketch:

  (As the sketch open Voices can be heard singing Vocational guidance counselor ... vocational guidance counselor ... vocational guidance counselor ... etc. Office set. Man sitting at desk. Mr Anchovy is standing waiting. The counselor looks at his watch then starts the sketch.)

  counselor: Ah Mr Anchovy. Do sit down.

  Anchovy: Thank you. Take the weight off the feet, eh?

  counselor:: Yes, yes.

  Anchovy: Lovely weather for the time of year, I must say.

  counselor: Enough of this gay banter. And now Mr Anchovy, you asked us to advise you which job in life you were best suited for.

  Anchovy: That is correct, yes.

  counselor: Well I now have the results here of the interviews and the aptitude tests that you took last week, and from them we've built up a pretty clear picture of the sort of person that you are. And 1 think I can say, without fear of contradiction, that the ideal job for you is chartered accountancy.

  Anchovy: But I am a chartered accountant.

  counselor: Jolly good. Well back to the office with yo
u then.

  Anchovy: No! No! No! You don't understand. I've been a chartered accountant for the last twenty years. I want a new job. Something exciting that will let me live.

  counselor: Well chartered accountancy is rather exciting isn't it?

  Anchovy: Exciting? No it's not. It's dull. Dull. Dull. My God it's dull, it's so desperately dull and tedious and stuffy and boring and des-per-ate-ly DULL.

  counselor: Well, er, yes Mr Anchovy, but you see your report here says that you are an extremely dull person. You see, our experts describe you as an appallingly dull fellow, unimaginative, timid, lacking in initiative, spineless, easily dominated, no sense of humour, tedious company and irrepressibly drab and awful. And w/hereas in most professions these would be considerable drawbacks, in chartered accountancy they are a positive boon.

  Anchovy: But don't you see, I came here to find a new job, a new life, a new meaning to my existence. Can't you help me?

  counselor: Well, do you have any idea of what you want to do?

  Anchovy: Yes, yes I have.

  counselor: What?

  Anchovy: (boldly) Lion taming.

  counselor: Well yes. Yes. Of course, it's a bit of a jump isn't it? I mean, er, chartered accountancy to lion taming in one go. You don't think it might be better if you worked your way towards lion taming, say, via banking'...

  Anchovy: No, no, no, no. No. I don't want to wait. At nine o'clock tomorrow I want to be in there, taming.

  counselor: Fine, fine. But do you, do you have any qualifications?

  Anchovy: Yes, I've got a hat.

  counselor: A hat?

  Anchovy: 'Yes, a hat. A lion taming hat. A hat with 'lion tamer' on it. I got it at Harrods. And it lights up saying 'lion tamer' in great big neon letters, so that you can tame them after dark when they're less stroppy.

  counselor: I see, I see.

  Anchovy: And you can switch it off during the day time, and claim reasonable wear and tear as allowable professional expenses under paragraph 335C...

  counselor: Yes, yes, yes, I do follow, Mr Anchovy, but you see the snag is... if I now call Mr Chipperfield and say to him, 'look here, I've got a forty-five-year-old chartered accountant with me who wants to become a lion tamer', his first question is not going to be 'does he have his own hat?' He's going to ask what sort of experience you've had with lions.

  Anchovy: Well I ... I've seen them at the zoo.

  counselor: Good, good, good.

  Anchovy: Lively brown furry things with short stumpy legs and great long noses. I don't know what all the fuss is about, I could tame one of those. They look pretty tame to start with.

  counselor: And these, er, these lions ... how high are they?

  Anchovy: (indicating a height of one foot) Well they're about so high, you know. They don't frighten me at all.

  counselor: Really. And do these lions eat ants?

  Anchovy: Yes, that's right.

  counselor: Er, well, Mr Anchovy ... I'm afraid what you've got hold of there is an anteater.

  Anchovy: A what?

  counselor: An anteater. Not a lion. You see a lion is a huge savage beast, about five feet high, ten feet long, weighing about four hundred pounds, running forty miles per hour, with masses of sharp pointed teeth and nasty long razor-sharp claws that can rip your belly open before you can say 'Eric Robinson', and they look like this.

  (The counselor produces large picture of a lion and shows to Mr Anchovy who screams and passes out.)

  counselor: Time enough I think for a piece of wood.

  (CAPTION: 'THE LARCH')

  Voice Over: The larch.

  (Cut back to office: Mr Anchovy sits up with a start.)

  counselor: Now, shall I call Mr Chipperfield?

  Anchovy: Er, no, no, no. I think your idea of making the transition to lion taming via easy stages, say via insurance...

  counselor: Or banking.

  Anchovy: Or banking, yes, yes, banking that's a man's life, isn't it? Banking, travel, excitement, adventure, thrills, decisions affecting people's lives.

  counselor: Jolly good, well, er, shall I put you in touch with a bank?

  Anchovy: Yes.

  counselor: Fine.

  Anchovy: Er... no, no, no. Look, er, it's a big decision, I'd like a couple of weeks to think about it... er... you know, don't want to jump into it too quickly. Maybe three weeks. I could let you know definitely then, I just don't want to make this definite decision. I'm er... (continues muttering nervously to himsel)

  counselor: (turning to camera) Well this is just one of the all too many cases on our books of chartered accountancy. The only way that we can fight this terrible debilitating social disease, is by informing the general public of its consequences, by showing young people that it's just not worth it. So, so please... give generously... to this address:

  The League for Fighting Chartered Accountancy,

  55 Lincoln House, Basil Street,

  London, SW3.

  (Cut back to David Unction reading 'Physique' magazine. He puts it into brown paper bag.)

  Unction: Oh, well that was fun wasn't it?

  (Cut to helmeted Viking.)

  Viking: No it wasn't, you fairy.

  (Cut back to Unction.)

  Unction: (sarcastically) Oh, hello sailor,

  (Cut to Viking.)

  Viking: Here, you wouldn't have got on one of our voyages - they were all dead butch.

  (Cut to Unction.)

  Unction: (camply) Oh that's not what I've heard.

  Continues with The first man to jump the Channel

  * * *

  Return to the sketches index

  The First Man to Jump the Channel /

  Tunnelling from Godalming to Java

  As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 10

  * * *

  The cast:

  VOICE OVER

  Eric Idle

  INTERVIEWER

  John Cleese

  RON

  Terry Jones

  MR. VERCOTTI

  Michael Palin

  * * *

  The sketch:

  (Cut to the sea. Pan to show Ran Obvious running along beach.)

  Voice Over: There is an epic quality about the sea which has throughout history stirred the hearts and minds of Englishmen of all nations. Sir Francis Drake, Captain Webb, Nelson of Trafalgar and Scott of the Antartic - all rose to the challenge of the mighty ocean. And today another Englishman may add his name to the golden roll of history: Mr Ron Obvious of Neaps End. For today, Ron Obvious hopes to be the first man to jump the Channel·

  (Ron runs up to group of cheering supporters. An interviewer addresses him.)

  Interviewer: Ron, now let's just get this quite clear - you're intending to jump across the English Channel?

  Ron: Oh yes, that is correct, yes.

  Interviewer: And, er, just how far is that?

  Ron: Oh, well it's twenty-six miles from here to Calais.

  Interviewer: Er, that's to the beach at Calais?

  Ron: Well, no, no, provided I get a good lift off and maybe a gust of breeze over the French coast, I shall be jumping into the centre of Calais itself.

  (Brief shot of group of Frenchmen with banner.' 'Fin de Cross-Channel jump '.)

  Interviewer: Ron are you using any special techniques to jump this great distance?

  Ron: Oh no, no. I shall be using an ordinary two-footed jump, er, straight up in the air and across the Channel.

  Interviewer: I see. Er, Ron, what is the furthest distance that you've jumped, er, so far?

  Ron: Er, oh, eleven foot six inches at Motspur Park on July 22nd. Er, but I have done nearly twelve feet unofficially.

  (Ron breaks off to make training-type movements.)

  Interviewer: I see. Er, Ron, Ron, Ron, aren't you worried Ron, aren't you worried jumping twenty-six miles across the sea?

  Ron: Oh, well no, no, no, no. It is in fact easier to jump over sea than over dry land.

  Interviewer:
Well how is that?

  Ron: Er, well my manager explained it to me. You see if you're five miles out over the English Channel, with nothing but sea underneath you, er, there is a very great impetus to say in the air.

  Interviewer: I see. Well, er, thank you very much Ron and the very best of luck.

  Ron: Thank you. Thank you.

  Interviewer: (to camera) The man behind Ron's cross-Channel jump is his manager Mr Luigi Vercotti. (turns to speak to Vercotti, who has a Mafia suit and dark glasses) Mr Vercotti, er Mr Vercotti ... Mr Vercotti...

  Mr Vercotti: What? (mumbles protestations of innocence) I don't know what you're talking about.

  Interviewer: Er, no, we're from the BBC, Mr Vercotti.

  Mr Vercotti: Who?

  Interviewer: The BBC.

  Mr Vercotti: Oh, oh. I see. I thought, I thought you were the er . .. I like the police a lot, I've got a lot of time for them.

  Interviewer: Mr, er, Mr Vercotti, what is your chief task as Ron's manager?

  Mr Vercotti: Well my main task is, er, to fix a sponsor for the big jump.

  Interviewer: And who is the sponsor?

  Mr Vercotti: The Chippenham Brick Company. Ah, they, er, pay all the bills, er, in return for which Ron will be carrying half a hundredweight of their bricks.

  (We see a passport officer checking Ron's passport.)

  Interviewer: I see. Well, er, it looks as if Ron is ready now. He's got the bricks. He's had his passport checked and he's all set to go. And he's off on the first ever cross-Channel jump. (Ron runs down the beach and jumps; he lands about four feet into the water) Will Ron be trying the cross-Channel jump again soon?

  Mr Vercotti: No. No. I'm taking him off the jumps, Er, because I've got something lined up for Ron next week that I think is very much more up his street.

  Interviewer: Er, what's that?

  Mr Vercotti: Er, Ron is going to eat Chichester Cathedral.