Monty Python's Flying Circus: The Sketches
Page 36
Man: Yes. It just fell off the wall.
Butler: Don't move. I'll get help.
(He goes.)
Man: Yes - er, fell off the wall.
(A maid enters.)
Maid: Oh my God, what a mess. 'Ere, did you do this?
Man: No, no. I didn't do all this. It... it did it all.
Maid: Oh? Well... 'ere, hold this. I'll get started.
(She hands him a dagger.)
Man: Oh, it's jolly nice. What is it?
Maid: It's a Brazilian dagger. Ooops.
(She trips, falls lethally on to the dagger he is holding. She collapses at his feet. There is blood on the dagger and his hand. He is looking down at her, when he becomes aware of a man in a green baize apron at the door, who is looking at him in horror.)
Man: Er, she just fell on ... on to the dagger.
Green: (soothingly) Yes, of course she did, sir.
Man: Yes, just gave me the dagger and tripped, and went, 'Oops'.
Green starts backing round the room away from him, but humouring him.
Green: Yes sir, I understand.
Man: I mean, I didn't er...
Green: Oh no, no, of course not, sir, I understand.
Man: I mean she ... she just, er...
Green: Fell?
Man: Fell.
Green: (backs off too far and falls backwards through the window) Arrghh!
Man: (to window) I'm terribly sorry.
(A policeman and the butler appear at the door.)
Butler: That's him.
Policeman: Right, sir.
Man: Hello, officer. There seems to have been an accident. Well, several accidents actually.
Policeman: That's right, sir. Would you come this way, please. (goes towards him) Ahh! (clutches chest) It's me ... me heart, sir. (collapses)
Butler: You swine. I'll get you for that.
(He is about to move forward when a large portion of the ceiling collapses on him. He goes down, too.)
Man: Er, I won't wait. I'll phone.
(He moves off through door. Large crashing sounds. He comes downstairs into a stretch of hall leading to an outside door. As he comes suits of amour collapse, bookcase glass smashes, a grandfather dock tips over and smashes, pictures fall off walls. All this quite quickly in sequence as he passes in horror. He gets to the main door. We see his relief. He doses the main door behind him, slamming it: it's a country-house-type entrance. Cut to stock film of country house being blown up. Cut back to man looking in horror, with dust and rubble swirling around. He is holding the remains of the door.)
Man: Sorry.
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Seven Brides for Seven Brothers
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 18
* * *
The cast:
HEADMASTER
Graham Chapman
FIRST SMITH
Terry Jones
SECOND SMITH
Terry Gillam
THIRD SMITH
Eric Idle
PADRE
Michael Palin
* * *
The sketch:
(A school hall with a stage. Mr Praline and Brooky enter. Praline sits at piano and plays something very badly; Brooky turns the pages for him. Music ends. Unseen schoolmaster announcer:)
Schoolmaster: 'Seven Brides for Seven Brothers'. (slight applause)
(The curtain pans. Enter headmaster in mortar board and gown.)
Headmaster: 'Tis time the seven Smith brothers had brides. Fetch me Smith Major.
(Enter Smith Major in short pants.)
First Smith: Sir.
Headmaster: 'Tis time you and your six brothers were married.
First Smith: Thank you, Headmaster.
Headmaster: Fetch me your six brothers, that the seven brothers may be together.
(Smith Major rings handbell. Three bays enter and stand next to him.)
Boys: Behold, the seven brothers.
Headmaster: Right, I'll see Watson, Wilkins, and Spratt in my study afterwards.
First Smith: (has to be prompted, then declaims badly) But where shall we find seven brides for seven brothers?
Second Smith: The Sabine School for Girls.
Third Smith: Yes, and it's the Annual Dance.
Headmaster: Fetch hither the seven brides for seven brothers.
(Enter two schoolgirls.)
Two Girls: Behold the seven brides.
Headmaster: Fetch hither the padre that the seven brides may marry the seven brothers. (nothing happens) Fetch hither the master on duty that the seven brides may marry the seven brothers.
Padre: (entering) Sorry, I'm late, Headmaster - I've been wrestling with Plato.
Headmaster: What you do in your own time, Padre, is written on the wall in the vestry.
Padre: Right, do you four boys take these two girls to be your seven brides?
Boys: Yes, sir.
Padre: Right, go and do your prep.
(The curtain comes across quickly.)
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The man who is alternately rude and polite
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 18
* * *
The cast:
GENT
Michael Palin
BUTCHER
Eric Idle
* * *
The sketch:
(Animation sketch links us to a butcher's shop. Harmless looking city gent enters.)
Gent: Good morning, I'd care to purchase a chicken, please.
Butcher: Don't come here with that posh talk you nasty, stuck-up twit.
Gent: I beg your pardon?
Butcher: A chicken, sir. Certainly.
Gent: Thank you. And how much does that work out to per pound, my good fellow?
Butcher: Per pound, you slimy trollop, what kind of a ponce are you?
Gent: I'm sorry?
Butcher: 4/6 a pound, sir, nice and ready for roasting.
Gent: I see, and I'd care to purchase some stuffing in addition, please.
Butcher: Use your own, you great poofy poonagger!
Gent: What?
Butcher: Ah, certainly sir, some stuffing.
Gent: Oh, thank you.
Butcher: 'Oh, thank you' says the great queen like a la-di-dah poofta.
Gent: I beg your pardon?
Butcher: That's all right, sir, call again.
Gent: Excuse me.
Butcher: What is it now, you great pillock?
Gent: Well, I can't help noticing that you insult me and then you're polite to me alternately.
Butcher: I'm terribly sorry to hear that, sir.
Gent: That's all right. It doesn't really matter.
Butcher: Tough titty if it did, you nasty spotted prancer.
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Documentary on Boxer
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 18
* * *
The cast:
KEN CLEAN-AIR-SYSTEMS
John Cleese
VOICE OVER
Michael Palin
MANAGER
Graham Chapman
MRS. CLEAN-AIR-SYSTEMS
Eric Idle
MOTHER
Terry Jones
TRAINER
Michael Palin
MAUREEN
Carol Cleveland
PETULA
Connie Booth
COLONEL
John Cleese
CRITIC
Terry Jones
* * *
The sketch:
(Film of a boxer (Ken Clean-Air-Systems) in training, running along a country road. All this is shot in 'Man Alive' style: plenty of hand-held documentary work. Sound of boxer's feet on the leaves and heavy breathing.)
Voice Over: (MICHAEL) This is Ken Clean-air Systems, the great white hope of the British boxing world. After three fights - an
d only two convictions - his manager believes that Ken is ready to face the giant American, Satellite Five.
(Cut to manager being driven in Rolls. Superimposed caption on screen: 'MR ENGLEBERT HUMPERDINCK - MANAGER')
Manager: The great thing about Ken is that he's almost totally stupid.
(Cut back to Ken jogging, the early morning sun filtering through the trees.)
Voice Over: Every morning, he jogs the forty-seven miles from his two-bedroomed, eight-bathroom, six-up-two-down, three-to-go-house in Ryegate, to the Government's Pesticide Research Centre at Shoreham. Nobody knows why.
(Cut to Ken's wife, a young married with her head in a scarf and curlers, hanging out the washing in a council estate. Caption appears on screen: 'MRS CLEAN-AIR SYSTEMS')
Mrs CAS: Basically Ken is a very gentle, home-loving person. I remember when one of his stick insects had a knee infection. He stayed up all night rubbing it with germoline and banging its head on the table.
(Cut to Ken's mother - an old lady in a wheelchair. Hand-held big close-up against the sky. Caption on screen: 'MRS NELLIE AIR-VENT, MOTHER')
Mother: Oh he was such a pretty baby, always so kind and gentle. He was really considerate to his mother, and not at all the kind of person you'd expect to pulverize their opponent into a bloody mass of flesh and raw bone, spitting teeth and fragments of gum into a ring which had become one man's hell and Ken's glory.
(The wheelchair moves away and we see that it is on top of a car. Cut to exterior of a semi-detached house. Night.)
Voice Over: Every morning at his little three-room semi near Reading Ken gets up at three o'dock (light goes on) and goes back to bed again because it's far too early.
(Light goes out. Close-up alarm clock at 7.05. General shot of room, Ken coming out of bathroom pulling his track-suit on.)
Voice Over: At seven o'clock Ken gets up, he has a quick shower, a rub-down, gets into his track-suit, and goes back to bed again. (shot of trainer running) At 7.50 every morning Ken's trainer runs the 13,000 miles from his two-room lean-to in Bangkok and gets him up.
(General shot of room to show his trainer standing over the sleeping Ken. He holds a large mallet and a steel peg.)
Trainer: I used to wake Ken up with a crowbar on the back of the head. But I recently found that this was too far from his brain and I wasn't getting through to him anymore. So I now wake him up with a steel peg driven into his skull with a mallet.
(Cut to the empty kitchen, shot from ground level. The camera pans across to show plate of food under an upright chair, and then pans across the room to the kitchen cupboard; Mrs Clean-Air Systems at the sink.)
Voice Over: For breakfast every day, Ken places a plate of liver and bacon under his chair, and locks himself in the cupboard.
(Cut to gym. Manager standing beside ropes of the ring. Again a hand-held 'Man Alive' type interview, with camera noise and all.)
Manager: Well, he's having a lot of mental difficulties with his breakfasts, but this is temperament, caused by a small particle of brain in his skull, and once we've removed that he'll be perfectly all right.
(Close-up alarm clock. Hands at 8.30)
Voice Over: At 8.30 the real training begins. (General shot of room. Ken asleep in bed) Ken goes back to bed and his trainer gets him up. (The door bursts open but we don't stay to see what happens. We cut immediately to outside of the house. His trainer pushes Ken out. Trainer goes back into the house (obviously to Ken's wife). Cut to Ken jogging through town. Hand held Ken finds his way blocked by a parked car. He stops and looks very puzzled, then instead of going round it turns and runs back the way he has come.) At 10.30 every morning Ken arrives at what he thinks is the gym. Sometimes it's a sweetshop, sometimes it's a private house. Today its a hospital.
(Ken turns into the gates or doors of a hospital. There is a slight pause, and a white-coated doctor arrives at the door and points right up the street.)
Doctor: Urn, straight down there. Straight down there.
(Ken follows his finger and looks very hard in that direction. When he is satisfied that Ken has understood where he is pointing, the doctor retires back inside. Ken turns and watches him as he does this, then turns and sets off in the opposite direction. Cut to a shot of a roadside diner.)
Voice Over: For lunch Ken crouches down in the road and rubs gravel into his hair. (Pan down to roadside to reveal Ken just finishing rubbing gravel into his hair; he stands up and hops over a railing to a riverside where a bed stands) But lunch doesn't take long. Ken's soon up on his feet and back to bed. (Ken hops into the bed) And his trainer has to run the 49,000 miles from his two-bedroom, six-living-room tree-house in Kyoto to wake him up. (Trainer runs into shot, pauses by bedside and turns to camera. He has large plumber's bag.)
Trainer: Hello. When Ken is in a really deep sleep like this one, the only way to wake him up is to saw his head off.
(Cut to stock close-up of punchbag and glove smashing into it. Continual hitting and impact-bang-bang-bang-bang throughout.)
Voice Over: What is he like in the ring, this human dynamo, this eighteen-stone bantam weight battering-ram? We asked his sparring partner and one-time childhood sweetheart, Maureen Spencer.
(Cut to medium close-ip of Maureen, very busty in boxing gear and sparring helmet.)
Maureen: Well, I think that if Ken keeps his right up, gets in with the left jab and takes the fight to his man - well, he should go for a cut eye in the third and put Wilcox on the canvas by six.
(She goes back to sparring and we see it is she who is hitting the punchbag. Remaining on her we hear the voice Over.)
Voice Over: Ken's opponent in Tuesday's fight is Petula Wilcox, the Birmingham girl who was a shorthand typist before turning pro in 1968. (Cut to typical teenage girl's bedsit. Pin-ups of popstars on the walls. Teddy bears on the bed and gonks. Petula Wilcox is siuing up on . the bed knitting.) She's keen on knitting and likes Cliff Richard records. How does she rate her chances against Ken?
Petula: Well, I'm a southpaw and I think this will confuse him, particularly with his brain problem.
(Cut to the ring. Floodlight. The night of the big fight. Murmur of a huge crowd. Excitement, cigar smoke rising in front of the camera. Bustle of activity all rouns In medium close-up the master of ceremonies walks out into the middle of the ring, and takes the microphone.)
Master of Ceremonies: My lords, ladies and gedderbong... On my right, from the town of Reigate in the county of Kent, the heavyweight... (unintelligible) Mr Ken Clean-Air Systems!... (applause, cut to Ken's comer; Ken raises his arms above his head) and on my left! Miss Petula Wilcox.
(Superimposed caption appears on the screen: ROUND 1 For the first time we see Petula dance out into the middle of the ring, frail and lovely in a white muslin dress, with a bow in her hair and boxing gloves. The referee bring them together, cautions them and then they separate. The bell goes. As speeded-up as we can manage and with the same stupendous sound effects as for all-in cricket, Ken belts the hell out of Petula. While this goes on, we hear a few voice overs.)
Colonel Type: I think boxin's a splendid sport - teaches you self-defence.
Critic: Obviously boxing must have its limits, but providing they're both perfectly fit I can see nothing wrong with one healthy man heating the bring daylights out of a little schoolgirl.
Voice: It's quick and it's fun.
(Boxing match is still in full swing as we cut away to the Grillomatic snack bar. )
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'It's a Living'
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 19
* * *
The cast:
COMPÈRE
Eric Idle
* * *
The sketch:
(Quiz show set-up. Two contestants either side, compere in the middle. On the back wall, in large letters, it says 'It's a living'. Music plays brightly. Track quickly into compere, losing contestants, as he starts his quick spiel. CAPTION: 'IT'
S A LIVING')
Compere: Hello, good evening, and welcome to 'It's A Living'. The rules are very simple: each week we get a large fee; at the end of that week we get another large fee; if there's been no interruption at the end of the year we get a repeat fee which can be added on for tax purposes to the previous year or the following year if there's no new series. Every contestant, in addition to getting a large fee is entitled to three drinks at the BBC or if the show is over, seven drinks - unless he is an MP, in which case he can have seven drinks before the show, or a bishop only three drinks in toto. The winners will receive an additional fee, a prize which they can flog back and a special fee for a guest appearance on 'Late Night Line Up'. Well, those are the rules, that's the game, we'll be back again same time next week. Till then. Bye-bye.
(Cut to BBC world symbol.)
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The Time on BBC 1
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 19
* * *
The cast:
FIRST VOICE OVER
Michael Palin
SECOND VOICE OVER
Terry Jones
ANNOUNCER
John Cleese
MAN
Terry Jones
NABARRO
Graham Chapman
* * *
The sketch:
1st Voice Over: Well, it's five past nine and nearly time for six past nine. On BBC 2 now it'll shortly be six and a half minutes past nine. Later on this evening it'll be ten o'clock and at 10.30 we'll be joining BBC 2 in time for 10.33, and don't forget tomorrow when it'll be 9.20. Those of you who missed 8.45 on Friday will be able to see it again this Friday at a quarter to nine. Now here is a time check. It's six and a half minutes to the big green thing.