Monty Python's Flying Circus: The Sketches

by Monty Python

  CLERK

  Michael Palin

  LINKMAN

  Michael Palin

  CLIFF

  Graham Chapman

  PRESENTER

  Michael Palin

  * * *

  The sketch:

  (In long shot now. The Mayor, who is nine foot high, and dignitaries approach a startled Praline. Organ music below a reverent voice over:)

  Voice Over: And now, there is the Mayor. Surely the third tallest mayor in Derby's history. And there are the Aldermen magnificently resplendent in their Aldermanic hose and just look at the power in those thighs. The New Zealanders are going to find it pretty tough going in the set pieces in the second half... So Dawn Palethorpe with one clear round on Sir Gerald... and now the Mayor has reached the Great Customer Mr Eric Praline. (the mayor takes a piece of Paper from the post office man) And now the Mayoral human being takes the Mayoral Pen in the Mayoral hand and watched by the Lady Mayotess, who of course scored that magnificent try in the first half, signs the fishy exemption (the mayor signs it and hands it to Praline) and the Great Customer, Mr Eric Praline, who is understandably awed by the magnificence and even the absurdity of this great occasion here at Cardiff Arms Park, (Praline looks very confused) has finally gone spare and there is the going spiral look on the front of his head. And now the Aldermen are finishing their oranges and leaving the post office for the start of the second half.

  (They all exit out of door, eating oranges, and Praline looks after them. Cut to a rugby field Crowd roaring as the aldermen, mayor, mayoress, town clerk, Dawn Palethorpe (on a horse) and the borough surveyor run onto the pitch and take up their positions.)

  Commentator: And here come the Derby Council XV following the All Blacks out on to the pitch. There, in the centre of the picture you can see Dawn Palethorpe on Sir Gerald - one of the fastest wingers we must have seen in England this season. On the left hand side of the picture the Lord Mayor has been running such wonderful possession for Derby Council in the lines out and it's the All Blacks to kick off. Wilson to kick off. Oh, I can see there the Chairman of the By-ways and Highways Committee who's obviously recovered from that very nasty blow he got in that loose ball in the first half. (opposite them the All Blacks kick off) And Wilson kicks off and it's the Town Clerk's taken the ball beautifully there, the All Blacks are up on it very fast and the whistle has gone. I'm not quite sure what happened there, I couldn't see, but there's a scrum~down. I think it's an All Blacks' ball. 'They were upon them very fast. Obviously they're going to try very hard in this half to wipe out this five-point deficit. Derby Council eight points to three up and Derby Council have got the ball against the head. There is the Borough Surveyor, the scrum-haif is out of the ... er, the Chairman of the Highway and By-way Committee who's kicked for touch. The line out - and it's into the line out and the Mayor has got the ball again. To the Borough Surveyor who's left out the Medical Officer of Health. Straight along the line to the Lady Mayoress and the Lady Mayoress has got to go through. Number two has missed her - he's taken to the full back - only the full back to beat and she has scored! The Lady Mayoress has scored, it's eleven points to three.

  (Caption on screen: 'NEW ZEALAND 3 DERBY COUNCIL I I ' Cut to linkman and Cliff Morgan.)

  Linkman: (MICHAEL) Cliff, this must have been a very disappointing result for the All Blacks.

  Cliff: (Welsh accent) Well, they've had very bad luck on the tour so far. They missed four very easy kicks against the Exeter Amateur Operatic Society, which must have cost them the match and then of course there was that crippling defeat at the hands of the Derry and Toms Soft Toy Department, so I don't think they can be really fancying their chances against the London Pooves on Saturday.

  Linkman: And what about China?

  Cliff: Well, whether Mao Tse Tung is alive or not, Lin Piao has a stranglehold on central committee which Lin Shao Chi can't break, so it remains to be seen whether Chou En Lai can really get his finger out and get going in the second half.

  Linkman: Well, thank you Cliff. Tonight's other outstanding match was the semi-final between the Bournemouth Gynaecologists and the Watford Long John Silver Impersonators. We bring you edited highlights of the match.

  (Rapid montage of goals scored by competent gynaecologists wearing surgical gowns and caps, against totally incompetent and immobile LJSI team who simply stand round going 'aaah! Jim lad' as the goals rain in. The ball is tucked off-screen. Sudden cut to studio. A presenter is standing in front of curtain; he catches the ball thrown from off. He smiles.)

  Presenter: Well, that's about it for tonight ladies and gentlemen, but remember if you've enjoyed watching the show just half as much as we've enjoyed doing it, then we've enioyed it twice as much as you. Ha, ha, ha.

  (The sixteen-ton weight falls on him. Cut to montage of scenes of destruction, buildings falling down, bombs etc. Roll credits over.)

  * * *

  Return to the sketches index

  Conquistador Coffee Campaign

  As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 24

  * * *

  The cast:

  BOSS

  John Cleese

  FROG

  Eric Idle

  * * *

  The sketch:

  (An office. Boss is reading a book, 'Chinese for Business Men'. He tries out a few Chinese words. There is a knock at the door.)

  Boss: Come in. (Mr Frog comes in) Ah, Frog.

  Frog: S. Frog, sir.

  Boss: Shut up, I want to have a word with you, Frog.

  Frog: S. Frog, sir.

  Boss: Shut up. It's about your advertising campaign for Conquistador Coffee. Now, I've had the managing director of Conquistador to see me this morning and he's very unhappy with your campaign. Very unhappy. In fact, he's shot himself.

  Frog: Badly, sir?

  Boss: No, extremely well. (lifts up a leg beloning to a body behind desk, and holds up a card saying 'joke') Well, before he went he left a note with the company secretary (opens a nearby door; a dead company secretary falls out), the effect of which was how disappointed he was with your work and, in particular, why you had changed the name from Conquistador Instant Coffee to Conquistador Instant Leprosy. Why, Frog?

  Frog: S. Frog, sir.

  Boss: Shut up. Why did you do it?

  Frog: It was a joke.

  Boss: A joke? (holds up card saying 'joke')

  Frog: No, no not a joke, a sales campaign. (holds up a card saying 'No, a Sales Campaign)

  Boss: I see, Frog.

  Frog: S. Frog, sir.

  Boss: Shut up. Now, let's have a look at the sales chart. (indicates a plummeting sales graph) When you took over this account, Frog, Conquistador were a brand leader. Here you introduced your first campaign, 'Conquistador coffee brings a new meaning to the word vomit'. Here you made your special introductory offer of a free dead dog with every jar, and this followed your second campaign 'the tingling fresh coffee which brings you exciting new cholera, mange, dropsy, the clap, hard pad and athlete's head. From the House of Conquistador'.

  Frog: It was a soft-sell, sir

  Boss: Why, Frog?

  Frog: S. Frog, sir.

  Boss: Shut up! Well?

  Frog: Well, people know the name, sir.

  Boss: They certainly do know the name - they burnt the factory down. The owner is hiding in the bathroom (shot heard) - the owner was hiding in my bathroom. (holds up 'joke' card again)

  Frog: You're not going to fire me, sir?

  Boss: Fire you? Three men dead, the factory burnt down, the account lost and our firm completely bankrupt, what... what... what ... can you possibly say? What excuse can you possibly make?

  Frog: Sorry, father. (holds up the 'yoke' card)

  Boss: Oh, yes. Oh, incidentally your film's won a prize.

  (He opens a venetian blind on the window to reveal the film: a coastline. Panning shot of hills rolling down into the sea, waves breaking on the shore. Travelogue music (Malcolm Arnold type) over this
. Suddenly the music sticks, and keeps repeating one phrase.)

  * * *

  Return to the sketches index

  Repeating Groove /

  Ramsey MacDonald Striptease

  As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 24

  * * *

  The cast:

  ANNOUNCER

  John Cleese

  'IT'S' MAN

  Michael Palin

  RAMSEY MACDONALD

  Michael Palin

  * * *

  The sketch:

  (The pan continues. We come across an old-fashioned gramophone on which the record is sticking. A hand comes in and lifts the needle off the pan continues - it's the hand of the announcer who is sitting at his desk.)

  Announcer: Sorry about that. And now for something completely diff... (the film sticks and repeats the end of the sentence several times) something completely diff... completely diff... completely diff... completely diff... completely different.

  It's Man: It's...

  (After about fifteen seconds of the credits the music and animation sticks, and keeps repeating. We finally get on to the right track, and complete the titles. Stock film of Ramsay MacDonald arriving at Number 10 Downing Street and any others of that period.)

  Voice Over: 1929. Stanley Baldwin's Conservative Government is defeated and Ramsay MacDonald becomes, for the second time, Prime Minister of England.

  (MacDonald walks into an empty room - black and white film).

  Ramsay MacDonald: My, it's hot in here.

  (He proceeds to take off his clothes, strips down to black garter belt and suspenders and stocking.)

  * * *

  Return to the sketches index

  Job Hunter

  As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 24

  * * *

  The cast:

  GLANS

  John Cleese

  BEE

  Terry Jones

  * * *

  The sketch:

  (Cut to Mr Glans who is sitting next to a fully practical old 8mm home projector. There is a knock at the door. He switches the projector off and hides it furtively. He is sitting in an office, with a placard saying 'Exchange and Man, Editor' on his desk. He points to it rather obviously.)

  Glans: Hello, come in. (enter Bee, a young aspirant job hunter) Ah, hello, hello, how much do you want for that briefcase?

  Bee: Well, I...

  Glans: All right then, the briefcase and the umbrella. A river down, must be my final offer.

  Bee: Well, I don't want to sell them. I've come for a job.

  Glans: Oh, take a seat, take a seat.

  Bee: Thank you.

  Glans: I see you chose the canvas chair with the aluminium frame. I'll throw that in and a river, for the briefcase and the umbrella ... no, make it fair, the briefcase and the umbrella and the two pens in your breast pocket and the chair's yours and a river and a pair of ex-German U-boat commando's binoculars.

  Bee: Really, they are not for sale.

  Glans: Not for sale, what does that mean?

  Bee: I came about the advertisement for the job of assistant editor.

  Glans: Oh yeah, right. Ah, OK, ah. How much experience in journalism?

  Bee: Five years.

  Glans: Right, typing speed?

  Bee: Fifty.

  Glans: 0 Levels?

  Bee: Eight.

  Glans: A Levels?

  Bee: Two.

  Glans: Right... Well, I'll give you the job, and the chair, and an all-wool ex-army sleeping bag ... for the briefcase, umbrella, the pens in your breast pocket and your string vest.

  Bee: When do I start?

  Glans: Monday.

  Bee: That's marvellous.

  Glans: If you throw in the shoes as well. (presses intercom) Hello, er ... Miss Johnson? Could we have two coffees and biscuits please?

  Miss Johnson: (over intercom) One coffee and one biscuit for the two ex-army greatcoats and the alarm clock on the mantelpiece.

  Glans: Two ex-army greatcoats and the alarm clock and a table lamp, for two coffees and biscuits.

  (ANIMATION: an elderly secretary at a desk in an empty room.)

  Miss Johnson: Two greatcoats and two table lamps.

  (Cut back to real office.)

  Glans: Two greatcoats, one table lamp and a desert boat.

  (Cut back to cartoon.)

  Miss Johnson: For two 'coffees and biscuits? Office.

  Glans:'Done.

  (Cartoon.)

  Miss Johnson: Done.

  Voice Over: So Miss Johnson returned to her typing and dreamed her little dreamy dreams, unaware as she was of the cruel trick fate had in store for her. For Miss Johnson was about to fall victim of the dreaded international Chinese Communist Conspiracy. (lots of little yellow men pour into the office) Yes, these fanatical thieves under the leadership of the so-called Moo Tse-tung (who appears in the animation) had caught Miss Johnson off guard for one brief but fatal moment and destroyed her. (Miss Johnson is submerged in a tide of yellow men) Just as they are ready to do anytime free men anywhere waver in their defence of democracy.

  * * *

  Return to the sketches index

  Agatha Christie Sketch (Railway Timetables)

  As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 24

  * * *

  The cast:

  JASMINA

  Carol Cleveland

  JOHN

  Eric Idle

  LADY PARTRIDGE

  Graham Chapman

  INSPECTOR

  Terry Jones

  TONY

  Michael Palin

  * * *

  The sketch:

  (Cut to an upper-class drawing room. An elderly man lies dead on the floor. Enter Jasmina and John.)

  Jasmina: Anyway, John, you can catch the 11.30 from Hornchurch and be in Basingstoke by one o'clock, oh, and there's a buffet car and... (sees corpse) oh! Daddy!

  John: My hat! Sir Horace!

  Jasmina: (not daring to look) Has he been...

  John: Yes - after breakfast. But that doesn't matter now... he's dead.

  Jasmina: Oh! Poor daddy...

  John: Looks like I shan't be catching the 11.30 now.

  Jasmina: Oh no, John, you mustn't miss your train.

  John: How could I think of catching a train when I should be here helping you?

  Jasmina: Oh, John, thank you... anyway you could always catch the 9.30 tomorrow - it goes via Caterham and Chipstead.

  John: Or the 9.45's even better.

  Jasmina: Oh, but you'd have to change at Lambs Green.

  John: Yes, but there's only a seven-minute wait now.

  Jasmina: Oh, yes, of course, I'd forgotten it was Friday. Oh, who could have done this.

  (Enter Lady Partridge.)

  Lady Partridge: Oh, do hurry Sir Horace, your train leaves in twenty-eight minutes, and if you miss the 10.15 you won't catch the 3.45 which means ... oh!

  John: I'm afraid Sir Horace won't be catching the 10.15, Lady Partridge.

  Lady Partridge: Has he been... ?

  Jasmina: Yes - after breakfast.

  John: Lady Partridge, I'm afraid you can cancel his seat reservation.

  Lady Partridge: Oh, and it was back to the engine - fourth coach along so that he could see the gradient signs outside Swanborough.

  John: Not any more Lady Partridge... the line's been closed.

  Lady Partridge: Closed! Not Swanborough!

  John: I'm afraid so.

  (Enter Inspector Davis.)

  Inspector: All fight, nobody move. I'm Inspector Davis of Scotland Yard.

  John: My word, you were here quickly, inspector.

  Inspector: Yeah, I got the 8.55 Pullman Express from King's Cross and missed that bit around Hornchurch.

  Lady Partridge: It's a very good train.

  All: Excellent, very good, delightful.

  (Tony runs in through the french windows. He wears white flannels and boater and is jolly upper
-class.)

  Tony: Hello everyone.

  All: Tony!

  Tony: Where's daddy? (seeing him) Oh golly! Has he been... ?

  John and Jasmina: Yes, after breakfast.

  Tony: Then ... he won't be needing his reservation on the 10.15.

  John: Exactly.

  Tony: And I suppose as his eldest son it must go to me.

  Inspector: Just a minute, Tony There's a small matter of... murder.

  Tony: Oh, but surely he simply shot himself and then hid the gun.

  Lady Partridge: How could anyone shoot himself and then hide the gun without first canceling his reservation.

  Tony: Ha, ha! Well, I must dash or I'll be late for the 10.15.

  Inspector: I suggest yOu murdered your father for his seat reservation.

  Tony: I may have had the motive, inspector, but I could not have done it, for I have only just arrived from Gillingham on the 8.13 and here's my restaurant car ticket to prove it.

  Jasmina: The 8. 13 from Gillingham doesn't have a restaurant car.

  John: It's a standing buffet only.

  Tony: Oh, er... did I say the 8.13, I meant the 7.58 stopping train.

  Lady Partridge: But the 7.58 stopping train arrived at Swindon at 8.19 owing to annual point maintenance at Wisborough Junction.

  John: So how did you make the connection with the 8. I3 which left six minutes earlier?

  Tony: Oh, er, simple! I caught the 7.16 Football Special arriving at Swindon at 8.09.

  Jasmina: But the 7.16 Football Special only stops at Swindon on alternate Saturdays.

  Lady Partridge: Yes, surely you mean the Holidaymaker Special.

  Tony: Oh, yes! How daft of me. Of course I came on the Holidaymaker Spedal calling at Bedford, Colmworth, Fen Dinon, Sutton, Wallington and Gillingham.